My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me last night. We are both 22, and have pretty much been living togeather for the past 3 years, even though we both have our own places. I have not been well for about the past year, because of various reasons (quite a few of which are very serious), I believe I have have been in a deep depression. Not myself that's for sure, and not the person I can be. As you can guess, this created a great strain on our relationship. We love each other so much, we had plans to marry and have children togeather. Being depressed turned me into something I don't want to be ever again. I was insecure, jeleous, possesive and sometimes controlling. It is hard for me to admit these things. Part of the reason I was depressed is because I don't deal with issues that I face. I simply tuck them away.. and they build up.. and they eat away at me. And turned me into a person I don't even know. Because of the way I behave and act... she has grown to feel like she needs to lie to me, or hide the truth to avoid confrontation. I feel so ashamed that I have caused her to resort to this. But that is what has come from my blindness to the things bothering me, and their affect on our relationship. Last weekend we had a huge fight... because of her lying outright to me(she said she was watching a movie in bed, when in fact she was out at a party with her sister, and had been talking to this guy.. alone for over an hour. She denied it but I overheard some of their conversation when she accidentally answered one of my calls) I thought for sure she was cheating on me... maybe not sexually, but something wastn right. When she lies to me, it makes me feel like she would only lie because she has something to hide. Essentially there is no trust in our relationship at this point in time. Sunday night I told her I was thinking about killing myself (I have been REALLY unhealthy, and blind to it until now). So Monday last week she said she wanted to go on a break, clearly the relationship has hit rock bottom. I had convinced her to try and work through this. It was actually the first time I had talked about a lot of the stuff that I believe has caused my depression, and the first time I had admitted that I may be depressed. We agreed to work on ourselves and the relationship. Tuesday came, and she had changed her mind. She said she wanted to take a break again, and really put her foot down. She said she needed time to get back to know herself, and fix the issues she has. She doesn't like lying to me, and she doesn't like feeling unhappy. She also wanted time for ME to get help with my issues. She said when she is feeling better, and she sees some change in me she is ready to try again. She tells me at this point she loves me, and still wants to marry me, but doesn't want things to be how they have been. She wants us to be happy. Well... as you can guess, I'm crazy about this girl. And giving her the space she's asked for is a lot harder than it sounded. I called, texted... and called again. Finally on Friday I said I wanted to give her space.. then my INSECURITY AND JELEOUSY took over on the weekend again. I called her on Monday (yesterday), even though we had agreed to talk on Tuesday. She got mad and hung up on me when I had asked what was going on over the weekend(I was concerned she was hanging out with another guy, which she admitted to having seen him, and talked for a couple minutes). I called her back later, and asked her to meet me for coffee, and told her I was sorry for reacting the way I did. She agreed to meet with me, I bought her flowers, and met her at the coffee shop. Now the break had escalated to a full on break up. I told her she wanted to be honest with me, she said she wanted to be honest with me, and this is what she really wanted. I'm still not sure why she flipped from on a break to full break up. It doesn't seem clear. It took 4 hours for us to "break up". The whole time she is still holding my hand, still calling me baby, and honey... still kissing me. She says we can still see each other, but we won't be "togeather". Its been hard for me, but I've fully admitted to how I've been acting the past year, my eyes have truly been open to the damage that has been caused by both our issues, that should have been sorted out in the past. I told her all kinds of stuff... she asked me why I was just telling her this now. She says she still loves me, she says she is still IN love with me. She says she wants to have a future with me, and she wants to marry me. But she can't be with me right now. I feel like she is too afraid to break my heart.. and possibly hers by letting go completely. She says it needs time.. and she can't promise that we will be togeather again. I asked her to look me in the eyes and say she doesn't love me enough to give this a chance, and that she doesn't want this to work out. She couldn't do it, she just cried. She said she won't say those things. But she says she can't promise we will be togeather.

Anyway, later that night, we talked... I asked her if she would be mad if I spent the night with her.. she said no, and told me to come over. I said I wouldn't if she didn't think it was right. She insisted I come over. She tells me she loves me, and wants to be with me, and kisses me and holds my hand. We made love last night... and I sang a song to her in the morning before I left for work (for some reason I have a HUGE issue with singing in front of people... I never do.. and I don't recall ever being able to sing in front of her before). I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I start counselling tomorrow. Im going to see the doctor afterwards to see if antidepressant medication is in order. I went grocery shopping.. for healthy food (I usually eat out alot), and started working out. I REALLY want to change my life around. This has been such an eye opening experience for me. I want us to be happy. I want her to be happy, I don't want her to feel like she needs to lie to me, I just want us to be happy. Togeather. But this really just feels like the end. I've decided I'm not going to call her. I need to wait for her to call me. I feel like I pushed her from a "break" to the full on "break up" because I gave her no space.

Thursday (2 days from now) is her classes christmas party (4th year university class). Her sister is coming, I am concerned that the same guy is coming down to the party as well. If he is, then I think this is done.. and she is wanting to pursue something with this guy. Which is crazy, I know I haven't been the best for her... but I know I can be. Ive never even admitted my issues until now. I'm not saying I'm fixed, but she cannot deny the change already happening. And if he is coming, how can she tell me she loves me.. call me pet names, hold me... make love to me... tell me she wants a future. YES I know I'm insecure I've only JUST started counselling.

I fear this whole thing I've written isn't going to make any sense. Because I keep jumping all over the place, adding things in.

I don't know what I should do... especially about this party. I could go.. and see for myself if he is there (I was formally invited to the party, but know I shouldn't go). I could ask someone I know that is going... if he is there (we have a lot of common friends). I know both of these action risk being absolutely destructive, especially if he is not there. However, I NEED to know if that's what this is about. We agreed we're not going to see other people for the break, and now that this is a "break up" we said we weren't going to see other people, that that's not what this is about. And that IF anything happened that we were thinking about seeing someone else, we would tell the other person. Even if we were playing with the idea of seeing someone else... we would tell each other.

I'm feeling so lost, and so insecure right now, I have no idea what to do. I don't know where to start. This girl means everything to me. I realize I can't make her my whole world, and I can't be hers. That's not a fair burden to put on anyway. I want us to be happy, with our own dreams, friends and lives... I just want us to share it togeather. In fact I JUST phoned her. She told me earlier tonight she would call me at 7:00 pm she told me she would call me later.and I JUST phoned her (its 12:30am). We didn't talk long.. she was talking to one of her girlfriends (roomate). I KNOW I shouldn't have called her... im so weak its pathetic. I feel like I just made a HUGE mistake even with that one small phone call. She said she will phone me tomorrow... I doubt she will. Instead she will wait for me to call her.. like I always do. This has happened 4-5 times, she says she will call me.. and doesn't.. and then I end up breaking and call. IM SO LOST!

How can she say she loves me and wants a future with me if she isn't willing to work through this with me. I know a person can only take so much. But this is really driving me crazy now, its not helping ANYTHING.

God... I need help, so bad. I get so worked up, I can't help but call her. Ive been worked up writing this whole thing, I don't think it makes any sense, and I've just been rambling on. Hopefully what I'm feeling, and what is going on will make sense to someone reading this. Please, ANY advice is welcome. I love her so much, I want to marry this girl. If she says the same things to me.. even after we break up, I don't know what to do/think. Please help

Welcome to the club
Me and my ex just broke up a few weeks ago after a 4 year relationship, feel free to read my post
All I can say is, clearly she wants to try other things
All you can do is make yourself better, being needy and stuff will not help at all
IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE and it seems like you do, just try it by yourself, if she doesn't come back, then you'll be all right anyway since you're taking strides to be a better person
It will be painful if you go this route but IF YOU THINK logically, it's a lot better than begging for her back every time

Oh and don't worry about phoning her and regretting it, we've all made that mistake
You have to try to hang in there... im trying to as well
Try doing some stuff to get your mind off it... I started having a totally new routine which my body seems to be accepting such as working out
You got to learn to love yourself!

Does anyone think there is a chance this girl still wants to be with me? I know I've been really need the last few days... I KNOW I need to give her space. But honestly. She SAID she loves me, and WANTS a future with me. But not now and now how things have being going. She wants to find herself, and know who she is again, and she wants the same for me... I just feel like this is really the end of everything. Regardless of what she says. Im so scared.

First you need to realise that by accepting that you're depressed and taking active steps to get through that issue, you have taken a giant step towards healing yourself. This is what you should concentrate on now and you should be doing that for you not for anybody else. As for your ex nobody can tell you what she thinks and feels,and I suggest you don't contact her but give her space,you need to clear your head and not overthink her possible actions. The focus should be on your recovery now,whatever happens in the future remains to be seen.

I'm at work.. I feel so devastated. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm so worried this will be the end, even though she says she's willing to give it a shot. This is so painful. I just want her to tell me she's ready... I can see where things went wrong, we've talked about them. I know what needs to change for it to work.. I just need the chance to show her we can work through this!!

I also have had a four year relationship end recently. And dude to be honest I thought all of the stupid things that you can think in the situation it ain't worth it. It will get better and so many people told me that and I didn't listen but it really does. My best advice is leave her alone for awhile go out to the bar with friends find some strange. Stay busy during the times when I was really depressed it helped for a week or so to go to bed only when I was really tired so my mind wasn't racing try it.
Good Luck to you

Listen well my friend, get the help you need and do the changing first, on your own, and then worry about what happens next. No she cannot hold your hand because you have taken every opportunity to push her away and let your issues drive a very deep wedge between you. This is not her fault, but is your responsibility to correct. Do so NOW, and focus on doing it right.

Good Luck, I hope you do right by yourself, and leave her alone until you get to a better place in your life.

This reminds me of how my relationship ended. I felt just like you, everything was my fault. Toward the end of it, I turned into a person that was completely different than who I was in the beginning of our relationship. Like you I didn't tell her when things bothered me and allowed them to eat away at me over time. This made me angry, jealous, controlling and needy. After allowing this to happen, she shut herself off and wouldn't communicate with me about important things that had to do with us.

Then other guys came into the picture and made things worse.

Dude, this is almost like a carbon copy of what happened with me.

She may say she still loves you and she wants to work through this with you, but look at her actions. She initiated this, not you. She is actively looking for and hong out with other guys, not you.

Granted the depression and lack of communication probably did contribute to the demise of this relationship, but this does not rest completely on your shoulders. She contributed to this as well. You just can't see it right now, because your still spiraling from the break up. In time you will see the truth and be able to reflect back on things and get the answers you want.

Go to your doctor and councilor and get the help you seek. Don't go out to the bar and try to hook up with other women. This will not help you feel any better and alcohol and depression do not mix.

It will take time, but once you make it to the top of the mountain, the view will be much more clear.

So I've been to the counsellor today... twice, for an hour each time. I also sent her (the gf) the following message... and I'm HOPING I can stick to it. I still feel as though we are on "a break" rather than full on breakup.. this is just her way of saying "GIVE ME SOME ING SPACE"! And essentially forcing me to actually give her a break. Anyway, the message:

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>Name deled for privacy<, December 2 at 4:35pm
Just finished talking with the counsellor, he suggested I send you a letter that would actually free you, and give you the space you want. Because obviously I have not up until this point, and you don't need it in the back of your mind that I'm going to call you when you don't want me to.

I want you to know I am sorry for not respecting your need for space. I've been getting some mixed messages from you because you're confused about the whole situation... they have also confused me. You are very stressed out with a lot of things, and if you say you need space and time... I need to be respectful of that.

I want you to know I am sorry for my part in all this. I realize my role in creating this conflict between us, and the damage it has done to you, our relationship, and myself.

I want you to know I am working hard to overcome some big obstacles in my life, and I will overcome them. My counsellor assures me (like the one I talked to last week), that my prognosis is good.. and he believes I will be able to work through these issues I've been having. I just need some tools, and know how to put them into practice. These tools will help me overcome the issues I am currently dealing, and future issues that may arise, so that I can deal with things constructively, rather than destructively.

I want you to know I care a great deal about you, and your happieness. I love you, and I want what is best for you.

I want you to take the time you need... to consider everything with an honest heart, and to find me when you feel you're ready to talk. I'm going to be spending my time working on me; becoming the person I want to be.

So, once again, I am sorry for not allowing you the time and space you have asked for. I am going to do my best to give you all the time you need. I believe it is obviously important for both of us to talk to each other about all that has gone on at some point in time... but I understand NOW is not the time. I understand that.

Just remember I love you and I care about you.

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GOD I hope she makes the right decision. I know she still loves me... alot. And deep down she wants this to work. I guess we'll see what happens... hopefully she will start to miss me.. and miss what we used to have, and can have in the future. Anyone that feels like it... I would appreciate your help... either through comments/advice/words of encouragement... and also through prayer if you're comfortable with that.

Thanks for any support. I will try to update... when there's something worth updating (rather than me just going on about how crazy and pathetic I've been feeling, I'm trying to get over that part of this). She's not going to want a whiny little baby that can't man up and do what needs to be done. Anyway, I'm rambling again... rofl.

Most women feel that way. Good Luck on your journey and never put you real name on the Internet in the future.

So here's an update a few weeks later I guess.

So after I had sent her that letter (dec. 2nd)... I actually managed to restrain myself from calling her. It was extremely hard.. especially the first 3-4 days. It does get a little easier as time goes on.. for anyone in a similar situation, believe me, be strong). She actually ended up calling me the following Monday (dec.7th) while I was on lunch from work. I answered (thought about not answering), and spoke to her for about 10 minutes.. give or take a minute or two. I had been feeling a lot better, because I had been working on myself. Keeping busy, really trying to exact some change in my life. She seemed bothered that I was so calm, and I wasn't upset at not having talked to her for so long. I said I had to go, and she said she was sorry for calling me, it wasn't fair to me, and that she wasn't ready to talk about anything yet. I told her it was fine, and call me whenever she feels ready.

I did make the mistake of asking (later that night via text message), if her basketball team (rec league) needed a score keeper for the game. She said it was hard enough talking to me on the phone earlier, and that she didn't think she was ready to see me yet. I said it was fine.. I immediately regretted even asking about this. Anyway, learn the hard way I guess.

So I was able to keep myself from contacting her whatsoever for another week. She eventually called me the following week on Tuesday (dec. 15th). By this time I had gotten myself into a nice routine. I had been spending time with old friends, working out, cooking (something I hadn't done in a long time), playing guitar.. and not talking to her. She attempted to call me... 4-5 times throughout the day, but I did not answer... later that night she called again.. I answered and we started talking. She was VERY upset that I seemed so happy without her. She was crying, saying how she missed me.. and this was so hard. And she's wanted to call me every day since we last talked. We actually ended up talking for... 3-4 hours. Something we hadn't done in a long time. I didn't initiate any conversation about our relationship, or any issues we had had/were having. I tried to keep the conversation light, and fun. We actually both had a great time talking.. it was a lot of fun. She said she missed me, and missed talking to me. She said that we were so good togeather, and its too bad it took something like us breaking up for us to be able to talk like we were. She eventually asked me if I would come over to her house... I declined. Multiple times. I really wanted to go... but said no.

So after talking until about 2:30am, finally said goonight.. she asked me one more time to come over. I said I don't think I should.. she texted me after saying the offer still stood. I don't know if I made the right decision... I ended up going to her house. And spent the night there... we talked some more.. and.. well.. you know.

She asked me if I wanted to see a movie on Thursday, but I said I probably wouldn't be able to, because I had a counselling session. Basically our schedules didn't seem to match up at all for the next week (and then we will both be gone to our parents house for christmas). I tried to call her Wednesday (after I had spent the night). Anyway, after I spent the night I figured we were on our way to beginning to repair our relationship... not jumping into things right away, but we had a really good time, and it felt right. She said it felt right. I figured we could start to regain the friendship we used to have (we were BEST friends for about 5 years before we started dating). Anyway, the past few days she has been REALLY flakey. Not calling or texting at all... not returning my calls, or answering. I mean, she does call.. and answer. But, I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. I kind of feel like she's jerking me around. Because she was really upset Tuesday that I was doing so well with all of this... she obviously really wanted to be with me. Maybe I came running back too easily? She's tested me and I failed? And now it seems I'm still wrapped around her finger? I don't know. Sometimes she seems like she wants to get back togeather, then other times she "doesnt know about anything". Its so damn frustrating. I'm thinking maybe I should be the one to initiate a no contact rule.. so she has time to see I'm not going to be played with, and she better decide that if she still loves me and wants to give this a shot she better decide, rather than play games with my head.

I've had a couple different invitations from other women to go out "on a date". But have declined all offers thus far. Im obviously really hoping things with my "ex (god i hate that)" will work out. I really love her a lot. I know she loves me. She said none of her feelings have changed for me.

I'm just really confused. I don't want to play "hard to get" and push her away... but at the same time, I think it will make her realize I'm not the only one losing something here. She wants to talk and meet tomorrow. But after the way she's been jerking me around (saying she will call me, and then not calling.. or waiting to for me to call... or calling way later than previously suggested).. its like she's waiting to see if I will try and get ahold of her. I told her that I feel like she's jerking me around, and its not something I need to deal with right now. I said maybe we shouldn't talk for a while and that IIII wasn't sure about this anymore. I also told her there was something else I needed to talk to her about (considering telling her about the dates I've been offered.. and see how she feels about that). She didn't seem to like it when I say I'm not too sure about things... and yet she says it all the time. And she seemed really concerned about what I wanted to talk to her. She asked if it was about another girl (something she was really upset about on Tuesday.. saying she wasn't ready for me to be with anyone else).

Idk, I love her, and hope she loves me, and hope we can get through this. But at the same time, I feel like I'm just being messed with. Like, she needs that sense of security that I'm still an option for her.. whenever she decides. I hate to feel like.. im just being kept around in case I find someone before her... or until she finds someone else then she'll be done with me.

Im sorry, this is kind of just rambling. I realize its not too specific.. and its hard to get a lot of what is happening across typing it out like this. Hopefully someone will have some insight for me : )

A harsh possible insight. From the outside looking in this is a classic'I'm going to jerk you around and mess you about until I feel ready to let you go' scenario. Choose to NOT play along by going NC,for you,to end your confusion so that you can move on with your life. She's not making any efforts to make this work she is keeping you hanging around handing out the odd crumb or two. Step away,avoid future drama and disappear from her life.

I am proud of you, for taking on a huge challenge in your life, and that is- to change. Too many people wallow in their grief, and never figure out how to cope, what tools they need to survive and thrive, and what needs to be changed so that history doesn't repeat itself.

Your counsellor is right. You CAN get through this, and come out a better person, man, and mate at the end.

But, you must stick with it, and do what you're advised to do. I'd like to see you keep a diary, daily, of all the conflicting thoughts, feelings, actions you experience to help keep things in perspective.

It is important that you respect boundaries with your now ex girlfriend. She is free to do as she chooses, and there is no guarantee she will be back. Your goals have to be made for YOU, not because of her, or getting her back.

One last thing, be cautious of lumping every bad reaction and thought you've had to being depressed. Let your Doctor make that diagnosis, and don't use it as an excuse to explain your behaviour.

I hope that you keep posting with your progress.

So last night we ended up talking. Around bed time. I told her how I felt. That I felt like I was being jerked around. And I wasn't willing to let myself be hung up on her.. waiting for her to decide when she's ready to move on. I told her I didn't think we should talk or see each other anymore. She didn't like this. She said she wasn't ready for me to find someone else, and I told her I wasn't planning on sticking around to find out when she finally would feel like that (because she would obviously have moved on by that point). She says her feelings haven't changed for me... said she still loved me, but that sometimes people just need a break. I held my ground. She was really quite upset at the idea of that actually being IT! And never seeing me, or talking to me again.

I called her tonight. Asked her if I could come give her something, because I didn't think I would see her before I left for the holidays. She was staying at her sister's house. I drove over there... she came out. We said hi, talked briefly.. and then I just kissed her. It was actually quite romantic lol. Snow flakes falling the size of a quarter, stars and moon out. We kissed quite passionately, I told her I loved her, but that I couldn't do this anymore. She asked why I drove over there to kiss her and tell her that... she asked if it was a goodbye kiss. We both got pretty teary eyed, I nodded... she started crying. I kissed her again, told her I loved her again... told her to remember the happy times with me, got in my car and drove off. And now I am STICKING to the NC rule. I don't know how I, or she, will feel in the next few weeks... but maybe NC, initiated by me... on somewhat decent terms, with some sense of closure, will allow us to both gain some perspective on the whole situation, in whatever capacity that may be.

She just texted me now, and said she is so confused.. and asked me what she is supposed to do. She said that was amazing, and she can't believe what's going on, and that this is goodbye. Sigh... this is going to be hard. I don't know what I want anymore, I don't know what I should do, or what I will do in the future. I'm planning on At least not having any sort of contact with her WHATSOEVER until january/february, and even then, not until I know what I want, and it seems she may know what she wants.

Please, wish me luck, and for those that care to... pray for me.. and her.

Thanks for the support.

AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

It's always a good thing to stand up for ourselves and speak our mind. So well done!
All the best of luck to you-and a bit of prayer. Whatever happens will be for the best-believe that. Merry Christmas to you too.