I've been with this guy for a long time, he have broken up with me before, after being with him for 1 year and 1 month he broke up with me first for 7 months then we came back but only lasted 3 months and then he broke up with me again and we were separated for 4 months. After those 4 months apart he asked me to come back with me and now we've been together for 10 months without breaking up. The reasons he gave me before for dumping me were that I was too jealous and I got mad at everything. Well were doing OK now, he was charming ahd sweet and always tried to go to my home everyday no matter what. But there was a problem, we always fought because I couldn't trust him ( that is because he had lied to me before) and there is this girl who is really good friends with his mom and sister and something that really bothers me is that she goes almost everyday to his home for lunch or her mom always invites her. The times we fought he would calm me down and assure me that he didn't like her at all, and that he loved me and wanted me to be his wife in the future. He would also tell me that he wasn't going to leave me like he did before, that he wasn't going to make that mistake again. Well, this last fight (4 days ago) he got really mad and told me that he was tired that I did not trust him, that he respected me and that he always does everything for me and didn't know what else to do. He was really upset. The next day he didn't call me nor appear and I had to go to his home but he was different, he was cold, he wasn't sweet anymore, before he would call me "My love, honey, etc" and now most of the time he just calls me my name. I talked to him and told him that I felt an awkwardness between us and he told me that he was still mad and sad because of the fight and that he didn't know what he wanted for his life and was confused but he didn't want to make any decision cause he could regret later,so he told me that I should give him a day. So I did, but all that day I was anxious and sad cause I did not know what he was going to tell him. So the next day when we talked, I told him that I was sorry for not trusting him and that I was going to try not to get mad at everything and start a fight.. so he told me that this month was going to be a probation month, we are going to be together but that we were going to see if we fight like before or if we improve, if we did we were going to stay together but if we fought a lot we would have to take other measures.. well I agreed because I didn't wanted to loose him, but he put me conditions... he told me that he was not going to visit me everyday that when he had to go to play soccer or when he had to do another stuff or when I had to studied or we were busy he would not go to my home. That was really sad for me but I didn't say anything, after that he was been different with me, yesterday he pick me up to go to his home and talk to me OK but he wasn't so sweet with him like before, and I could feel that coldness between us... today he told me that he wasn't going to come to my home because he was tired from working and wanted to rest. So I asked him what was wrong, why he was like that, he wasn't like that before, I asked him if he didn't want to be with me anymore and if he doesn't say anything because he did not want to hurt me, but all he says is that he is just tired from work, that he is stress out because he has more work now, that he is not going to leave me that I should stop thinking that and chill out, all he wants is to be OK with me... I really don't know what to do anymore because I do love him and he is really hurting me by the way he is acting with me, I can't concentrate, I almost don't eat anything, I can't study... this is wearing me out... I don't want to loose him but at the same time I want to be happy I want his old caring self to be back again but I don't know what is going on in his mind.. he is growing distant and distant and I don't know what to do.. im starting to feel uncomfortable around him, I am scared, I don't know what to say anymore... really I need some advice for this... cause I am getting more and more depressed.

Wow, are you your own person or so totally attached to this guy that you can not function without him? A man can never be your happiness for you. They can make you happy at certain times, but when they see you acting needy and controlling, they will become very distant. He is trying to pull away from you because you are squashing him.

Can you lay off and give time for him to figure out what he wants in life? You can't go back on what you had. Learn some communication tips by reading about how men think and how to draw a man in w/o having to force anything.

If he sees you are going to respect his space, he will either start wondering about you and come back, or head in another direction. I have learned that if you think you lost someone that loved you by their coldness, then maybe you never had them in the first place.

Free yourself from your emotions by trying to cut your strings. When he is not on your mind so much, then you can think straight.

Look, you've ground this guy down. None of us are the Dalai Lama, and it sounds as if that sort of patience is required to be with you. You are really stressing this guy out, and if you don't back off and get some professional help you'll lose him (if you haven't already).

You say it yourself. You're jealous and you don't trust him. Yet, from what you say he has never given you any REAL reason to distrust him. Most of us have a tipping point when we just can't take any more, and I think your BF has reached this point.

You really need to look at your own behavior in this relationship. How can you expect him to be loving and caring towards you when you treat him with disrespect and distrust? Ask yourself how you would feel, in his shoes, if you were with a person that constantly questioned your loyalty and made a fuss about someone that visited your mother and sister?

Your behavior is possessive and reeks of selfishness - all you seem to be worried about is 'poor you', whilst you give no though at all to the difficulties that you cause your BF. Take a good look at yourself, you're the problem here, not him.

Thanks for the advices.. I really need to think about my behavior and take a good look at myself.. but meanwhile what do I do? How do I treat him when we see each other? And I have another question... why doesn't he breaks up with me if he has gotten tired of me?

I highly suggest the two of you take a break, as you are way to dependent to see how needy, and insecure you are, and how smothering you can be. If I had any chill pills, I would send you three to take right now and the rest as needed.

Hate to be harsh but all that breaking up with you is about him getting very frustrated by your constant need for attention.

You have a lot of adjustments to make for your own sake.

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Originally Posted by krebecam

thanks for the advices..i really need to think about my behavior and take a good look at myself..but meanwhile what do i do? how do i treat him when we see each other? and i have another question...why doesn't he breaks up with me if he has gotten tired of me?

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There is no time like the present to do some self analysis and start by adjusting your own behavior. The old way of behaving isn't' serving you well - why do you keep repeating it?

I think that when you see him you need to be calm and rational. Do you think you can manage that? When you see him explain that you're really trying to make changes and to think of how your behavior affects him, rather than only thinking of yourself.

I don't know if he wants to break up with you or not, only he can tell you that. Perhaps you can start by talking to him, and actually listening to what he says. Unless you make an effort to hear what he says, and stop creating drama you'll only create greater distance.

These last days I have tried to be calm... tried to laugh, I didn't fight with him.. but he was still a little bit indifferent... I tried to ignore that and tried to make him laugh and was nice with him... but today he treated me really bad... he ignored me completely and when I said hi and tried to kiss him he avoided me... after that he just did not talk to me... he was mad at me and I don't know what I did... he didn't even say hi to my parents.. he was mad at them too... I asked him what's wrong and he said nothing... the truth is that I really don't know what to do

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Originally Posted by krebecam

these last days i have tried to be calm...tried to laugh, i didnt fight with him..but he was still a little bit indifferent...i tried to ignore that and tried to make him laugh and was nice with him...but today he treated me really bad...he ignored me completely and when i said hi and tried to kiss him he avoided me...after that he just did not talk to me...he was mad at me and i dont know what i did...he didnt even say hi to my parents..he was mad at them too...i asked him what's wrong and he said nothing...the truth is that i really don't know what to do

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Want to know what you need to do?

You need to do NOTHING.

NOTHING,NOTHING,NOTHING.Can you do that?Can you just NOT focus on DOING anything,and doing nothing but being yourself and leading your own life?

Don't fight,don't be sweet,don't be jealous,mad,distant,aloof,clingy,possessive,anythi ng.Just.Be.Yourself.And go about the business of living your own life.

I presume you know that you have your own life,separate from your parents,your boyfriend,your colleagues,your friends etc etc(meaning everybody else),to lead,which is why you were born?

A woman has her own identity.She can't always be the ideal daughter,sister,friend,girlfriend,wife,mother,aunt ,grandmother.She's also a person in her own right.If you didn't know that, spend the next few days figuring it out as in,what you like to eat,what you like to wear,where you like to party,what books you want to read,how you like your eggs,what dreams you want to fulfill for yourself etc etc,the list is endless.

Focus on these basic things that make up the woman that is YOU.Just do that.Want to go a step further?Forget you have a boyfriend.Forget everything else.Take this as a project for yourself,a "KNOW MYSELF" scheme,if you have a habit of writing,start a journal--it does help.

In the meanwhile,in your interactions with your boyfriend,treat him very normally,as if you would treat a close friend,politely,respectfully,talk,go out(if your situation demands it,otherwise don't volunteer).No need to focus on "relationships",having "relationship talks",its like your initial days of getting to know each other and dating.

If he asks you what's happening in your life,smile sweetly and mysteriously,and say you are much too busy and in love with someone else.Then tell him that someone else is YOURSELF.You are getting to know yourself better and falling in love with that woman within:)

Sometimes,the best things are ruined by trying too much.Dont lose yourself for anybody.It isn't worth it.

Well.. I haven't heard anything from him since 5 days ago.. I turned off my cellphone so I can think well without putting my emotions on the way... yesterday it was my brother's graduation and my parents invited his family.. well all his family went except him... I don't know but maybe it's time to let him go... no matter how I feel for him it's seems that he'll be better without me... it's sad but what else can I do.. I guess nothing

You will be better without him!!

By his lack of attendance, the answer is very concrete-it's over... be happy about being free from the bondage of emotion... even if it takes months.

Then, you can concentrate on what you need to do in life.

So we talked... and decided to break up... im really sad... he wanted us to stay as friends and talk good... but I told him that I don't think so.. that he shouldn't expect for things to go to normal and be friends right away... that it's better not to have contact until I'm prepared to look at him without feeling anything... now guys do you have any post break up tips...

I'm sorry for your pain.
You have the right ideas,no friendship yet and no contact.
Start taking really good care of yourself,make sure you eat right,get enough sleep and that you have family and friends to talk to. Physical exercise helps as well.
At the top of the relationship page there are stickies with good advice , read them.
Take care.

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well. You've gotten a lot of good advice - nothing too much I can add. For now, stay away from him - no contact. Keep your chin up, things will get better.

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Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

Thanks to everyone... I just found out something that really hurt me a lot... we broke up yesterday in the morning and in the night he went out to dinner with the girl that I mentioned before in the long story.. the girl who is really good friends with his mom and sister and who was always in his home... and that he had told her "I am now free i don't have anything with anyone anymore"... so there is a chance that he had something with her before and his parents supported him.. that is why he was waiting for an excuse to break up... I am so mad... maybe that is why I did not trust them and I got so mad because I had an instinct... I am so disappointed and hurt... I have known him since we were kids and I can't believe he did that to me

Big difference between childhood friends, and romantic partners. Also as many break ups as you have had already, one had to stick sooner or later, and who knows, he may be back in a few months to continue the cycle. If that happens have the common sense to decline any further contact.

Also remember the break ups,

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The reasons he gave me before for dumping me were that I was too jealous and I got mad at everything.

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Whether you are hurt and disappointed, or not, all the facts point to you both not working long term, and certainly not as a couple, so celebrate your freedom, and relish it.

You can leave him alone and do your thing and be happy about it.

Well.. I'm very sad.. I've been hearing that he is going out with that girl.. it makes me think that he may have probably cheated on me... I erased him from everything that I could think of (facebook, messenger, etc).. he seems to be so happy while I'm here sad and that is not fair... how could he forget me so fast? Maybe he didn't love me or cared about me like he said he did... it feels that all of our realationship was a lie... and that breaks my heart

I understand you feel heartbroken but try not to overthink the past,whether he loved you or not and don't dwell on his possible cheating and ability to move on so quickly. Concentrate on getting over this,have an active plan for your own healing,keep busy,see friends exercise and look after yourself. Take care.

You put all the blame on him, but none on yourself. Why?

I really need help... well after we broke up I tried to maintain no contact with him... and I was doing all right.. he traveled for two weeks and I was calm and was starting to get my life all together again but when he arrived from his journey I saw an email from him telling me that he wished me a happy new year and that he will always consider me a good friend... well I did not respond his email.. also he send me an invitation to join his network at windows live but I did not accept that either... so then he started calling me from unknown number and hanging up... and so one night, it was late and I was sleeping he called me with his number and I answered, he told me that he wished me a good year so I said thanks and he said " sorry for calling you so late" so I said " don't worry..thanks and goodbye" and I hang up... then the next day he sends me messages to my cell telling me to sign in the msn to chat and to please unblock him from the msn... but I did not unblock him and ignored his messages... then he started calling me a lot... and I did not anwered his phone calls.. but he kept calling me and his nick on the msn was "Perhaps i made a mistake. could that be? I hope it isn't too late"... so I don't know what he wants... and I don't know what to do... it's so confusing.. (I had erased him from my msn but I don't know how he appeared again in my contacts)