Hi Everyone,

I have a general question, and I would like your input. Does porn lead to cheating? The reason why I ask is because my BF loves porn, and I would like to know if that could lead to cheating.

Nope, doesn't lead to cheating.. I don't personally look at porn, well anymore but when I did in my younger years(yes I am only 22) but as a teenager, I never cheated. Porn gives you a sense of fantasy, it's geared to men who have fantasies, that under certain terms, women they date would never do, nor would they want them to do.

Not many guys would want to see their girlfriend/fiance/wife tied up and pounded by various dudes. But, it may intrigued them enough to look at it on the internet.

My final thought, porn really isn't a big issue to argue over. You could spend countless hours arguing over it, then he will only hide it and when you find out, cause a bigger argument. Argue about the big things, or talk about them(better solution) and don't sweat the small stuff

Short answer: No. It really depends on the individual.

Many of my friends watch porn but don't cheat. I don't consider porn a "gateway activity" into cheating. In my opinion, porn is to men as romance novels are to women.

no.

Thanks guys,

That makes sense. I guess it is my own insecurities that cause me to feel sad when he looks at other women and/or porn.

Another question is why do men want or need porn when they are in relationships and having sex with their partner?

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Originally Posted by starlite1

Thanks guys,

That makes sense. I guess it is my own insecurities that cause me to feel sad when he looks at other women and/or porn.

Another question is why do men want or need porn when they are in relationships and having sex with their partner?

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I can ask this same question: Why do women want or need romance novels when they are in relationships and having sex with their partner?

I believe that both sexes fantasize. Men are typically aroused by visuals whereas (talking to my female friends) females are typically aroused by mental stimulation like ideas and situations presented in romance novels.

Thanks Ducky!

But sometimes when he looks at other women or porn, it makes me feel that I am not pretty enough or good enough for him because he is looking at these things. Is that the case when men look?

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Originally Posted by starlite1

Thanks Ducky!

But sometimes when he looks at other women or porn, it makes me feel that I am not pretty enough or good enough for him because he is looking at these things. Is that the case when men look?

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I don't believe so at all.

It definitely seems like you have some deeper self-esteem issues that you need to address here. I'm not a licensed therapist by any means but there are a few key points I want to point out that may help you deal with this.

You have to recognize that nobody can make us anything. I can't make someone angry by flipping them off or acting rude. People become angry/upset/stressed/etc. because another person does not behave or act the way that they expect them to.

In your case, your train of thought sounds a lot like, "He likes to look at other women and porn, therefore he does not think I'm pretty or good enough for him." Does that sound accurate?

It is normal for men to look at other women or porn. You need to remind yourself, who is he with? He is with you, right. Do you really want to put such importance on something that does not really effect you. He is with you, you need to remember that. Just because he looks at porn does not mean he wants to be with them.

Hi Ducky,

That is accurate. So if I understand correctly, he doesn't think less of me, or wants to be with other women because he looks at them and porn. I hope I said that right.

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Originally Posted by starlite1

But sometimes when he looks at other women or porn, it makes me feel that I am not pretty enough or good enough for him

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Hello star:

BINGO. You NAILED it. It has to do with how YOU FEEL, instead of what HE DOES. So, you have to get over how you feel, because he's NEVER going to stop doing what he does - nor SHOULD he.

excon

Porn doesn't lead to cheating, but it makes insecure females, even more insecure. That leads to some very unhappy females.

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Originally Posted by starlite1

Hi Ducky,

That is accurate. So if I understand correctly, he doesn't think less of me, or wants to be with other women because he looks at them and porn. I hope I said that right.

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Yes. His behavior or actions may have not fit your expectations however that doesn't necessarily mean he thinks less of you or wants to be with other women.

So essentially you have two choices here. Some people find porn unacceptable. Are you one of these people? If so, you have to make the decision to either currently live and deal with the situation you're in or change it.

Is this something you could deal with at any level, regardless of your self-esteem?

I would have to learn to deal with it if I want to be in a relationship with him. I wouldn't expect him to change, right? I mean, how could I change the situation?

By not acting on your insecurities in an impulsive, negative way. Its one think to acknowledge your feelings to your partner, but its still you who must cope with those feelings in a positive way. Now that doesn't mean being a doormat to keep the peace though.

I don't know how to convey to him in a positive way that porn does bother me. I'd rather he not begin hiding it though, then that would be worse.

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Originally Posted by starlite1

I don't know how to convey to him in a positive way that porn does bother me. I'd rather he not begin hiding it though, then that would be worse.

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Hello again, star:

The truth is a good way to start. Positive doesn't have to be wussy. Straight talk is really VERY positive.

You don't have to like porn. You don't have to tell him you do. You DO have to give him permission to watch it. Isn't there stuff YOU like to do that HE doesn't?? Then make a deal with him, and stick with it. Let him enjoy his end of the bargain, as you should enjoy yours.

If you do it that way, he's not going to hide and neither are you.

excon

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Originally Posted by starlite1

I don't know how to convey to him in a positive way that porn does bother me. I'd rather he not begin hiding it though, then that would be worse.

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Well the original intent of my question back to you was if porn was a relationship deal breaker or not for you personally. For some people it is. If it bothers you solely on the fact that it makes you feel insecure and undesirable, that is something you yourself can work on to overcome. However, if it is something you feel morally against that's another matter altogether.

Hi Guys,

It makes me feel real insecure; that he'd rather look at it than be with me. I know that isn't really the case (at least I hope not) but I feel insecure.

Star, you know me and you share a lot of the same problems. My advice is the same you gave to me, talk to him about it. He sounds like a honest respectful guy so he will appreciate you being open with him. Communication solves all relationship problems and especially the insecure ones.