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-   -   Can't see eye to eye. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=108767)

  • Jul 10, 2007, 09:40 PM
    bigbird213
    Can't see eye to eye.
    Hello All,

    I have read many of the postings here, and I'm hoping someone can help me out a bit.

    Ill do my best to make this short and sweet :)

    My girlfriend of 3 years has never liked drinking alcohol, in fact she despises it. I can understand her point of view entirely, due to family history, etc, etc. I would never try to force her to drink, or be upset if she didn't want to - its her decision.

    The problem arises when it comes to me drinking. When I want to hang out with my friends, drink a little, and just relax ("typical" college male things, I suppose), she HATES it. I have tried and tried to compromise, but it doesn't seem to work. I don't drink times when I can, to show her that I want to compromise, but I am usually just met with a "your still drinking", or "when you drink, im just totally disgusted".

    To clarify, I do not drink excessively. It is probably 2 - 3 times a month, and when I do, I never drink to the point of being physically injured, or unable to function. I do not ever drive after drinking, and have never done anything "unfaithful" while drinking.

    I have never gotten a totally straight answer as to why, but I wish there was just a way to agree to disagree.

    I can provide more details, if you guys think they are needed... but does it really seem to be my fault? I hate to feel like I am the one who is wrong in the situation, and be convinced that I haven't done anything wrong...

    Is it simply incompatibility? I have never heard of this being such an issue to break a relationship, except in extreme (alcoholic) cases...

    :confused:
  • Jul 10, 2007, 09:48 PM
    Pook_Myster
    She has obviously experienced, or witnessed some aweful things as a result of alcohol... and it would seem that it has scared her to death... are you understanding of this and do you agree?

    If so, you need to make her aware that you understand, agree that alcohol, when not respected can lead to aweful situations and events - but you also need to make her aware of the fact that alcohol is not a problem for you, you do respect it and use it / enjoy it accordingly.

    If you can see her point of view, she should be able to see yours... if not, then... well... maybe 'incompatability' yes...

    It is always important to communication with each other, and equally important to respect each others view points and opinions... if you can't do that then the relationship may not be right for you.
  • Jul 10, 2007, 10:15 PM
    bigbird213
    Thanks for the quick response...

    I have told her over and over, and we have had many long conversations about this. I have told her that I understand that people she may have grown up with have destroyed their lives because of alcohol. I have been completely understanding and accpting of her hatred of it. She is always invited to be with me in situations where it may occur, though never forced to go, or guilted by not going.

    I will not lie and say that I have never wished she would come. It has occurred to me at times that maybe if she could just "loosen up" and enjoy herself, she may be much happier. I do know that line of thinking is immature, but it has crossed my mind, though I would not exrpess that to her.

    My problem lies in my resistance to stop, simply because she doesn't approve of it. This is not meant to belittle her feelings on this issue, but I believe that if I can be totally understanding and compromising on the issue, then it is acceptable to assume I can expect a decent attempt at a compromise from her.

    I guess I feel like I'm not being met halfway... or even 60/40
  • Jul 10, 2007, 10:17 PM
    Pook_Myster
    If I were you, I would have to say that I would expect compromise too, given that you have been so understanding to her reasoning...

    I do suggest that she needs to realise that Alcolhol alone causes no harm... when mixed with the wrong personality, then trouble begins - so for her to suggest that she has a problem with alcohol is a little narrow minded - for alone it is a mear chemical substance... when it is used and disrespected by people with certain personality traits like anger, weakness, addiction - then it is a problem.

    If you aren't one of these people - as it sounds you are not - then really, what problem should she have?

    I believe you deserve a little more credit from her for your efforts so far.
  • Jul 10, 2007, 10:23 PM
    prayerlord
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by bigbird213
    Hello All,

    I have read many of the postings here, and im hoping someone can help me out a bit.

    Ill do my best to make this short and sweet :)

    My girlfriend of 3 years has never liked drinking alcohol, in fact she despises it. I can understand her point of view entirely, due to family history, etc, etc. I would never try to force her to drink, or be upset if she didnt want to - its her decision.

    The problem arises when it comes to me drinking. When I want to hang out with my friends, drink a little, and just relax ("typical" college male things, i suppose), she HATES it. I have tried and tried to compromise, but it doesnt seem to work. I dont drink times when I can, to show her that I want to compromise, but I am usually just met with a "your still drinking", or "when you drink, im just totally disgusted".

    To clarify, I do not drink excessively. It is probably 2 - 3 times a month, and when I do, I never drink to the point of being physically injured, or unable to function. I do not ever drive after drinking, and have never done anything "unfaithful" while drinking.

    I have never gotten a totally straight answer as to why, but I wish there was just a way to agree to disagree.

    I can provide more details, if you guys think they are needed....but does it really seem to be my fault? I hate to feel like I am the one who is wrong in the situation, and be convinced that I haven't done anything wrong....

    Is it simply incompatibility? I have never heard of this being such an issue to break a relationship, except in extreme (alcoholic) cases.....

    :confused:

    You know what man.. u should stop drinking. Because people that drinks always have a mess up mind. Not all but people who drinks a lot. And I mean A LOT! Your girlfriend loves you. She just want you to be safe and away from alcohol. Stop drinking. Yeah,I know its fun because you drink with your friends and all, but its your girlfriend we're talking here. You have to put a girl that you love 2nd, because family comes first. But hey, what ever you do... just listen to her. If she cries(which I don't know) cry with her. If she's happy, you should be too. Good luck my friend... I hope you make the right decision.
  • Jul 10, 2007, 10:29 PM
    Dana Bandle
    I think you should forget her & move on. She sounds like she will not be very fun to live with in 10 years. If a man wants a few drinks. Not a problem with most woman but this one YES! RUN
  • Jul 10, 2007, 10:30 PM
    JonLR92
    I agree with prayer. If there's something you wouldn't do for your girl(that is reasonable) then there is a problem. Let her know you love her by not drinking anymore, it's a bad habit anyway
  • Jul 10, 2007, 10:57 PM
    Pook_Myster
    Are you two serious? You would stop doing something that is completely harmless, yet you enjoy, because your sour girlfriend doesn't like it - DESPITE constant effort from you to understand why she feels the way she does and accepting it? When has she tried to understand him? Grow some b*lls you two!
  • Jul 11, 2007, 12:46 AM
    iAMfromHuntersBar
    As Pook_Myster has said this is definitely you need to get to the bottom of!

    I can understand your frustration but I don't think you should stop drinking or run away from this situation - if you've been with this girl for 3 years you obviously care about each other!

    When she says she is disgusted with you drinking, I'm sure you've asked why? What sort of response do you get - is it just a vague "because you're drinking"?

    J
  • Jul 11, 2007, 06:36 AM
    SuperFudd
    Well, I've read most of the comments here and I think you've got to ask yourself where you're going. You've been together for 3 years... is it going to be for a life-time? If not then I would say keep drinking and try and get her to understand. But if you plan on spending your life with this girl... then maybe you should think about giving it up. If she's normally a compromising girl and you two have a good relationship other than this... then it may be one of those things that you just have to give in on to make the relationship work. We all have those unbending things that we're like "I can NOT be with you if you do that" and the other person then has to decide. If this is one of those things for her then you should consider the possibility of just giving it up completely. It'll be better for the relationship and hell... what's a few drunken nights a month? You can still go and have a good time with your friends sober. But if she's completely unbending on a lot of different issues, then you might take the hint that it's only going to get worse. You've fought it for a while and giving in to something like this doesn't give her the power. In fact since you've fought it for so long, then you're doing her the favor and showing her how much you care. Just my thoughts man. I'll pour a shot and drink it for you when I get back to the States.
  • Jul 11, 2007, 06:55 AM
    mecmec
    I think your girlfriend is afraid that you will develop a drinking problem. It sounds as if she has been affected at some stage in her life by alcohol and is in fear of it now. However you should be able to have a few drinks every now and then - you don't have a problem. The best thing to do is just reassure her that you use alcohol to unwind occasionally... you don't abuse it. There is a huge difference between use and abuse and she has to be able to tell the two apart, despite her fear.
  • Jul 11, 2007, 07:20 AM
    bigbird213
    HuntersBar,

    I agree with you, and it seems that you share my viewpoint.

    To the others, I have definitely been on the fence over this issue, and I have felt that I was wrong for not giving it up and for wanting to continue this, but the more I think about it, the more I feel it is not that unreasonable.

    I have asked her many times "why?", and the answer is usually just a "becuase your drinking", and once in a while she says "you know why", and I'm not sure I truly understand. To the best of my knowledge it is because she has come from a family which had issues due to alcoholism (her father), which I understand has affected her.

    For a while now, I have felt the issue was prooving to her that I am responsible and not all people who drink end up like some of the people she has been exposed to, but how do you open up the mind of someone who just won't listen??
  • Jul 11, 2007, 07:30 AM
    iAMfromHuntersBar
    If she cares about you and fears losing you, she'll have to listen!

    If her father was an alcoholic, or even if he turned into a different person when he was drinking I suppose she has every right to fear that you're going to do the same.

    You're spot on in thinking that you've got to prove you're not like these people... but I don't think it's going to be easy!
  • Jul 11, 2007, 07:45 AM
    bushg
    Maybe you could point out some of the people that you both know that drink.Point out the ones that manage a job, family life,work,and not breaking the laws. Adults can handle having a drink or two. Hell they may even get toated every once in a while. Also point out that it can even have medical benefits. Look them up and present it this way. All to often the children of substance abusers like to be in control of the people they love . They want to make sure that their childhoods are not repeated and sometimes they are just so used to the role of being care giver, that it has just become part of who they are. If you stop and think about it she may be controlling in other aspects as well. I would encourage her to get some type of counseling to deal with the problems of her childhood. Make sure that her problems as a child does not take over your life. Good Luck.
  • Jul 11, 2007, 08:41 AM
    mecmec
    The only thing you can do is keep reassuring her that you will not let drinking ever come before her... it is just a luxury you indulge in now and then to have a good time, the same as having a box of chocolates on your birthday (kind of - it's a metaphor). Make sure that when you are drinking you don't put that before her. Keep telling her that you are not controlled by it, it is not a priority in your life but its something you enjoy occasionally and don't really want to have to stop. Try and get her to talk about why she is so against it. It sounds to me like she needs to resolve her issues and maybe she should see a counsellor to talk things through with. This is not a reason to break up for either of ye! Would you break up with someone because one is afraid of flying? Or of spiders? She needs to be able to break up social drinking and alcohalism in her head. Is sounds as if she perceives all drinking as the same thing and its not.my boyfriend is an alcohalic and I understand where she is coming from to a degree. However I know the difference between a social drinker and an alcohalic and maybe she doesn't if she grew up in that environment. I still drink although I never do with him.:)
  • Aug 11, 2007, 10:26 AM
    bigbird213
    Hey guys,

    Thanks for all the previous advice, but I'm back again :(

    Throughout the last month it has been back and forth, up and down like always. She would get very mad, then feel bad and tell me she wants to try, and then get angry again some other time.

    Today is no different. I guess I'm just looking for advice and to see if I'm really the bad person here.

    It is getting towards the end of my summer break (ill be moving back to school in a month), and I want to be spending time with my friends. MY girlfriend was supposed to be working until very late tonight, so I decided it would be the best time to go hang out with the guys. (Side note: she hates when she is home and I'm out, she has nothing to do other than see me, which can be smothering).

    Well, she found out that she is getting out of work early, and subsequently got mad at me because I did not want to blow off my friends to come see her. The argument then continued down the path to "You disgust me when you drink", "There is nothing beneficial about it", "you can never go out and enjoy yourself without drinking" (which is a lie as this is the first time in 3 weeks now, and probably the fourth time I've seen my friends), and the ultimatum "I can't ever be with someone who drinks".

    The problem comes from the fact that she will continue to call and harass me about how selfish I am, and how I don't care about anyone but myself. She ignores the times when I say no to drinking with my friends for her sake. She says if I can do it once, why can't I do it all the time. When I say that she isn't living up to her end of the compromise, she tells me she doesn't have to compromise when she is against it.

    Sorry if this dragged on, but I just feel like I'm beating my head against a wall. She tells me that she says she can't be with someone who drinks, and then get EXTREMELY mad because I will still go after "I see how big of a deal it is to her". In my mind - That's a form of control. I don't want to give in to that, but I don't want to feel ike a horrible person :(

    Thanks for any advice
  • Aug 11, 2007, 11:18 AM
    bigbird213
    Highlights from the phone conversation I just had:

    "Your nothing to me"
    "I hope to God you get arrested"
    "If you were lying on the curb, I'd drive right by"
    "Your the dumbest sh*t i know"
    "Your worthless"

    ... I don't deserve this, even if she was angry
  • Aug 11, 2007, 11:36 AM
    Chery
    Has the thought ever occurred to you that even if you stopped drinking, she would find something else to berate you about? Some people just are not happy unless they can ▀itch about something. It makes them feel above the individuals they berate and boosts their own ego. Most of these type of individuals are good at dishing it out but get all confused when confronted with their own weapons.

    Just food for thought.

    And your are correct.. you did not deserve those comments on the phone.

    Good luck, and get back with us.

    http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
  • Aug 11, 2007, 12:02 PM
    bushg
    Bigbird I am a female, That has lived in an family that has abused alcohol, some until the day they died. I also married a man that chose to doctor his demons with alcohol. However, I do not agree with your girlfriend, I can understand her fear and her need to control. But that does not make it right. This is her problem not yours and she needs to work it out. Do not let her control you.
  • Aug 11, 2007, 12:38 PM
    alibaba6277
    It sounds to me as though your g/f needs a wake up call. Perhaps show her some of the messages on this site. You have been very patient with her, and perhaps its time to give her an ultimatum: "you either get your act together and compromise with me, or its over." if she truly loves you (as I think she probably does) she will chose a compromise; if she doesn't then she's not worth the trouble, especially after the coments on the phone! I do feel for her in that she has obviously had a tough life due to abuse of alcohol, but she has got to learn to get over her fears for the man she loves.

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