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-   -   Can a lady switch off in 24 hours! (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=107336)

  • Jul 6, 2007, 09:56 AM
    Scorpio39
    Can a lady switch off in 24 hours!
    I am 39 and in a marriage that has no meaning. It is not possible to get separated (so we can't talk about that)
    My story is a regular one, but I need help!
    I know this attractive lady for over 3 years and she too is married.
    She used to always be proud of her husband who she would not only talk about frequently but very openly showed, how much she loved.
    Since we used to work together, we were just regular colleagues, until last year when I moved on.
    5 months ago, we started chatting an for some strange reason she started to message me more often.
    I used to flirt with her and never get any response, till one day she reciprocated.
    From then, we would be in touch with each other on every occasion we could, we would wake each other up with a message and finally sleep with a message.
    In the interim period we would meet as often as we could, and they were always in public places.
    She came on very very strong to me emotionally, to a point I gave in to.
    She would get upset if I would not respond to her messages or her call. But we never had any tussles over it. It was fun and the attention was high!
    Finally last weekend, as her husband was out, we landed up at her place and got into a physical relationship!
    THAT WAS IT!
    From then on, she has just stopped being warm. But the problem is, she has not stopped communicating! She still messages, and calls, but the intensity and frequency is gone!
    We would be in touch every half hour and now its been days since she has communicated.
    My question is CAN ONE JUST SWITCH OFF in 24 hours?
    Why does she still chat with me? I am in pain, I miss her and the wonderful communication channel we had. I can't get over her and the worst part is we are going to work together soon! She talks to me as if I am just one of the many people in her life, unlike the way she used to, which made me feel so special!
    PLEASE HELP!:(
  • Jul 6, 2007, 10:03 AM
    SAB123
    She probably feels guilty she cheated on her husband and stopped. One minute my ex fiancÚ is telling me how much she loves me and then the next day we got in a fight and it was over. So yes one can just switch off in 24 hrs.
  • Jul 6, 2007, 10:05 AM
    Scorpio39
    Thank you. I feel the same. Though, if guilt was the issue, why was she spending so much time with me all this time?
    Why is she then still communicating in buts and pieces!
    Why would she say yes for lunch and show up!
  • Jul 6, 2007, 10:18 AM
    kristynn
    She "switched off" when she finally realized that although everything seems great and wonderful, it is WRONG!

    She is attracted to you and this is the reason she spends time with you, messages, calls, shows up for lunch, etc.

    Despite all this, she's now conscious that she's being irresponsible and she is cheating on her husband. This is a fact that she ignored, but that is finally obvious to her.
  • Jul 6, 2007, 11:32 AM
    kristynn
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Scorpio39
    i just feel used and victimised. feel like she was just seeking a thrill and used me to get it.

    No, you shouldn't feel victimised, but be understanding.

    If she would be using you for a thrill, she wouldn't let you down like this. :rolleyes:

    I think you should have a serious talk with her.
  • Jul 6, 2007, 11:41 AM
    dreamguy
    Interest level does not drop overnight. So the answer is no a woman does not switch positions in 24 hours. Although it may seem that way to most men. Why? Because many men fail to pick up on the subtle signals she gives us day by day week by week that her interest level is falling.

    Interest level falls in slow increments week by week. It may take anywhere from 2-6 months to notice a significant drop in her interest level. Her interest level may drop as slow as 1-2 points per week.

    Most men overlook or rationalize the warning signs of her falling interest level. The warning signs are so subtle that the majority of love doctors let it slip under the radar. Men have to keep their eyes open and pay close attention like forensic love detectives before hits the fan and it becomes too late.

    You should have a pretty good idea what her interest level is after 3 years. If her interest level is 95% today it won't drop to 49% tomorrow or even next week. It will likely take 6 months for that to happen.

    The problem is that while her interest level is slowly dropping she gets moody or complains that she's too tired for sex or she's argumentative or she does not touch you as much, etc. Then men rationalize this by saying "well she's just having a bad day."
  • Jul 6, 2007, 11:42 AM
    Scorpio39
    I can only be understanding if she shows even the sligthest affection. She is now dealing/talking to me as if I am another guy in her life and that we had aboslutely nothing between us. Warm but indifferant.
    Tried talking but she does not want to on this subject!
  • Jul 6, 2007, 11:55 AM
    kristynn
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Scorpio39
    Tried talking but she does not want to on this subject!

    She will have to.

    Ignoring a problem is not the best way to deal with it. (yes! Problem) She's only avoiding it...
    It can possibly mean that she regrets everything and she had to put a stop to it. This is her way to do so.
    She wants to forget everything and let it all fade away.
  • Jul 6, 2007, 01:09 PM
    Scorpio39
    kristynn, if she wants it to fade away, why is she still trying to be in touch with me..
    But the worst is yet to come.. we are going to start working together in the same department for a project for 1 year.
  • Jul 6, 2007, 01:18 PM
    dreamguy
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Scorpio39
    kristynn, if she wants it to fade away, why is she still trying to be in touch with me..
    But the worst is yet to come.. we are going to start working together in the same department for a project for 1 year.

    Because she is using you as an emotional safety net. In a few months or so she won't need to contact you because she will have gotten enough emotional support from you to detach completely.
  • Jul 6, 2007, 01:19 PM
    kristynn
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Scorpio39
    kristynn, if she wants it to fade away, why is she still trying to be in touch with me..

    Maybe because as I said, she is attracted to you and she can't help it. She definitely likes you but she knows it's not right and cheating is no good.

    It's not YOU she wants to avoid, but CHEATING.

    I'm not blaming you and you shouldn't blame her, but did you forget she has a husband?
  • Jul 6, 2007, 01:27 PM
    dreamguy
    What do I say? No spouses or exes lurking in the background when you pursue a date with someone!

    I think it should be against the law to talk to a married person of the opposite sex. It should also be against the law to have contact with an ex while they are seeing someone else.
  • Jul 7, 2007, 12:56 AM
    Scorpio39
    I am minding my own business, don't contact her for two days and she calls me to just tell me what she did over the weekend with her family!
    In the conversations lay lots of messages that tell me, I was alone several times where I could have messaged but I did not!
    WHY? Either you cut off or get back!
  • Jul 7, 2007, 11:45 AM
    talaniman
    Of course you both should leave each other alone or take the energy from this affair and work on your marriages. Since you don't then leaving your spouses is the solution to end all the sneaking and assuming, and whys and what ifs. This thing that your doing is only a temporary and sad band aid for doing what must be done. You want your friend with benefits back and she just wants a friend, so instead of wondering what's in her mind, deal with what's in yours. Seems she can't give you what you want, so maybe you should take the lead, and stop letting her control this relationship, if you can call it that. You both are stuck. Do the right thing, and cut her loose, and give your wife her freedom. You'll never be open and honest and healthy cheating, ducking and dodging.
  • Jul 7, 2007, 01:01 PM
    Scorpio39
    talaniman, what do you mean by 'not letting her take control"?
  • Jul 7, 2007, 01:20 PM
    talaniman
    By expressing yourself, and stop letting her call when she pleases, by stop being a sounding board. Cut this off, and you won't have any of these problems. Being polite doesn't mean being a pushover.
  • Jul 7, 2007, 01:33 PM
    Ash123
    Yes, be polite. And force yourself to realize that you are in love with a woman who cannot fully love you... lamenting this affair won't help nor will wanting her to be different.

    if you robbed a bank to pay your kids college loans, and realized that the money you took was all marked and useless would you go back to the bank and complain??

    In other words, if you did something wrong - even if it was for the right reasons - you cannot go back... only forward. Yes, she feels guilty and will respect you more if you just let it be what it was... a special encounter that served a purpose... an escape... but maybe not a solution.
  • Aug 16, 2007, 05:08 AM
    little angel
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by SAB123
    She probally feels guilty she cheated on her husband and stopped. One minute my ex fiance is telling me how much she loves me and then the next day we got in a fight and it was over. So yes one can just switch off in 24 hrs.




    Are you still meeting her ? Is it only for your work purpose or are you still comfortable with her company?
    The only reason i ask this question is i am also facing a similar situation my friends suggested i take a break and spend a whole day with her which i did.
    We went to a resort from morning to evening so that she just doesn't feel that she is cheating on her husband.
    Why did she agree to come with me if she is guilty
    mr. scorpio please answer
  • Aug 16, 2007, 06:21 AM
    talaniman
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by little angel
    ARE YOU STILL MEETING HER ? IS IT ONLY FOR YOUR WORK PURPOSE OR ARE YOU STILL COMFORTABLE WITH HER COMPANY?
    tHE ONLY REASON I ASK THIS QUESTION IS I AM ALSO FACING A SIMILAR SITUATION MY FRIENDS SUGGESTED I TAKE A BREAK AND SPEND A WHOLE DAY WITH HER WHICH I DID.
    WE WENT TO A RESORT FROM MORNING TO EVENING SO THAT SHE JUST DOESNT FEEL THAT SHE IS CHEATING ON HER HUSBAND.
    WHY DID SHE AGREE TO COME WITH ME IF SHE IS GUILTY
    MR. SCORPIO PLEASE ANSWER

    First off, the caps are not needed and it makes everyone think you are shouting. In the second place, whether she feels guilty or not, you are helping her cheat, and the solution is simple. Stop contacting each other.
  • Aug 16, 2007, 08:18 AM
    Scorpio39
    Little Angel
    I work with her now, but I hv switched off from her on a personal basis.. we talk work, we go for meetings together, but when it comes to the old times of messaging each other and meeting up each other on holidays etc is all over..
    I feel much better now then I ever did, and have moved on..
    Like I had said earlier.. Enjoy every moment while it lasts, cause 99% of the time it does not last too long!

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