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    Cleavse's Avatar
    Cleavse Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 14, 2011, 08:06 PM
    Advice on post-college breakup. Struggling to cope with the breakup - Please read/hel
    Everyone has their own story so here is mine:

    My ex-girlfriend and I met in college, dated for all 4 years until recently. We spent almost everyday together, she was my support and best friend. Like any couple, we had our problems, and I was her first ever relationship. I received a job offer out in Chicago and in Michigan (home) post-college, but I chose to move to Chicago. We both are graduated from college now, and post-college, she moved down south for a few months to stay with her parents until she found a job. In those months, we webcammed and I stayed in the weekends to keep her company since she didn't know anyone.

    She then received a job back at the university that we both attended and moved back there. As soon as she moved back, I tried to come back more, but I guess things weren't the same. She's preoccupied in the "college atmosphere" with her friends always being there while I'm more in the real world atmosphere. She just wanted to have fun, since she wasn't single all throughout college. I felt like I was thrown to the curb even though I stayed in on weekends for her when she was down south. Out of sight/out of mind?

    I really don't know that many people and was homesick, so I felt like she left me at a time where I needed her support the most. When she broke up with me via webcam, she told me that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore. Those words broke my heart. She told me that I'm a nice guy, but she doesn't want to be with me and wants someone different.

    So for a month after the breakup, I did all the desperate things a person would do to try to win her back. Bought her gifts, etc. She took them, but it was temporary happness. Obviously, it didn't win her back. After New Years, she's gradually stopped talking to me, presumely to let me get over her. I read that I should do the no contact policy and there may be a chance that she misses me. However, I feel like this backfires since she's the one initiating the no contact. She's also too busy to really think about me, so I feel like I'll gradually be forgotten.

    4 years is a long time, when you spent every moment of your college with them. I really am heartbroken. It's been affecting my work and my life. I haven't given up hope, but I know I need a miracle for her to come back to me, especially with the 4 hour distance. Is there anything I can do to set myself up for her to come back? I know you can't make someone fall back in love. It's been a little more than a month now, and I still am a wreck. I go to the gym, take care of myself, but when I come home, there's that empty feeling. I would really like her back, because I know there won't be another man that'll treat her or care about her as much as I will... and I know that the next guy will have a clean slate and won't have to try as hard to get her.

    I stuck at the crossroad with letting go. It's something that I really don't want to do. I know she's the best thing that's happened to me. I really would love to get married one day to her. I've tried to meet new people, but they don't compare to her. I've never met someone that I was so emotionally and physically attracted to.

    Is there anything I can do to set myself up for a chance at her coming back? I realize the chances are slim to none, but if there's anything I can do, I'm willing to sacrifice.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,880, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Jan 14, 2011, 08:37 PM

    You are going at this all wrong, my friend. First off No Contact is for a proper healing. After 4 years of good times, and companionship, life has decide to split you two up. That's a fact you have to accept, so you can move beyond the hurt feelings, and get your life rolling in the right direction, and get back on your feet, getting busy with the task of healing, and rebuilding a life that YOU enjoy without her. With new friends and activities that you look forward to. In this way you can let go of the past, and someday appreciate the memories.

    For sure break ups suck, they always do, and always will. But when one chapter of your life ends, another begins. It starts with healing though, and make no mistake, that will take a lot of hard work on your part. Maybe harder than any exam you have ever faced, and no doubt the biggest challenge of your very young life. But it can be done, and must be done. An has been done by others before you.

    So leave her alone, and look around at all the things you have to do, and get busy doing it, and eventually the misery, and pain fades, and the living of your new life takes over.

    Read the stickies and get some idea that we all have gone through this, some of us ore than a few times, and we survive, and thrive.

    So will you in good time, if you just don't quit on yourself. High school is long over and so is college. Now its time for real life to begin, an I hope you are up for it.
    acciosnivellus's Avatar
    acciosnivellus Posts: 52, Reputation: 51
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    #3

    Jan 14, 2011, 09:19 PM
    You sound like a very caring and devoted partner, so try to keep your chin up. I know exactly how you're feeling, as me and many others are going through the same thing. Unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do to get her back. She made her choices, and they didn't include you. I know that's painful, it's something I've had to relunctantly accept as well. Once you start learning how to let go, even though it's a terrifying thought, you will slowly learn to accept it and be on your way in healing. I struggle with this everyday still, but I know I'm getting better because I've accomplished the first steps of acceptance. I've definitely made my fair share of errors during my own breakup, like allowing contact after the split and even thinking that maybe just one more try would do the trick, but I am learning how to take control of my life again, and you will too. Hang in there buddy, it will get better.
    gara's Avatar
    gara Posts: 117, Reputation: 26
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    #4

    Jan 15, 2011, 01:30 AM
    You know what , man I'm proud of you , you are just one of the good guys , who been victimed by love , I'm proud of you , but are you proud of yoruself , because you got every good sing that some of the men don't have , I will ask you one question?
    First it's not your fault , it's her's , you didn't do nothing wrong , don't you ever blame yourself , this will be one of your first and hard mission of you in life , to forget some one , who was with you in 4 years , I know you did forget her , but memories is the proplem , every thing around you remind you to her , I will send you to do things , that I did when I walked out from one leg in bad breakn up relationship , and guess what , you are not in this breakn relatioship alone , I'm with you, so man do the things I will ask you to do , first thing first , she will not going to come back to you , I'm sorry it's hurts me to say this to you , but man I'm sorry she won't and never going to come back to you, only by her choice and will , so the question is , when she will do that , she will do that the time you forget about her , so this the things you will do , and I want you to do it perfect and follow my words


    1- make a lot of friends and talk to them every thing you feel like talking about her
    2- work out real good , and keep your head bussy , play video games or read books
    3- by book talking about breaking up , and write songs about her or the things you fear on that paper or write
    4- music are the best healing cure, turn to this break to hate and anger , and listen such these singers ( eminem , john mayer) they are the best when it comes to relatioships or break up songs.
    5- you have to know you are not suffring this bad relationship in this world , some people are going on divorce while they have children suffring with them too , so say thank god you are single , imagine if you are married right now and you are going to divorce , life is ***** man , so man up and stand on your feet and fight this shadows in your head that she coasted you,
    6- stay with your family and call them , because they are the only one who will not leave you no matter what happens to you.

    I hope you work what I said to you , it worked with me , I hope it works with you , by the end of the day every thing depends on your hands and your mentaly will.
    Cleavse's Avatar
    Cleavse Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 31, 2011, 08:34 AM
    Ex Girlfriend Problem (She ended with me too)?
    Threads merged



    My ex girlfriend ended things with me almost 2 months ago. We were together for all 4 years in college and she broke up with me once I moved out of state for a job offer. I was heartbroken and tried really hard to get back with her. I started No Contact with her almost 3 months ago. Last weekend, I saw her for the first time. I was picking up my friend from her apartment, but I refused to go in since I wasn't ready and didn't want to regress.

    I got a text from her saying "You're selfish." I explained to her back that "I'm not ready to see you, I don't want to regress, I hope you understand." Which she replied "No, I don't. You're f-ing selfish." Later on in the evening, I start getting these pretty rude texts like "Stop stealing my friends, get your own." (We have mutual friends, some that I've known longer than her)... and otheres calling me "a selfish little bit*h, and that she has never met someone that was as big of a douchebag as me." Then she proceeded to call me and yell at me. This was the first time I guess I stood up for myself and didn't give her attention. I catered to her for the past 4 years and was always there for her. The very next day, I went to her apartment to say goodbye to all her roommates and herself (we're all mutual friends back in college.) We talked a little and she asked me to help her fill up her car tires with air since she didn't know how to, like nothing happened... she knows I have a soft spot for her.

    After this weekend, I went back home, I've been feeling guilty. I felt like I've regressed even though I made so much progress in the past 2 months. It's been hell since she ended things with me. I don't know if I should continue No Contact or talk to her about this weekend and apologize that I didn't say hi to her...
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Jan 31, 2011, 08:41 AM
    WHHHAAAATTTT? The only reason she was nice to you was A) she was going to ask you to put air in her tires and B) she knew she was being ridiculous if she blamed you in front of all your mutual friends.
    She's a USER. She's talking about herself when she calls you selfish. She broke up with you. You are selfish for moving away for a job? She needs to grow up. It's not your job to teach her how.
    spitvenom's Avatar
    spitvenom Posts: 1,266, Reputation: 373
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    #7

    Jan 31, 2011, 09:00 AM

    joypulv is right she is the selfish one. You are going to apologize for not saying hi?? Let me ask you this when you went to say bye to your friends and her did she apologize for Yelling at you or calling you a little B*tch? Did she even thank you for putting air in her tires?
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #8

    Jan 31, 2011, 09:30 AM

    I concur with the above posters.

    You moved on, keep moving, she did not get her way, so she threw a tantrum... god love her, she must be in a bad head place.. my advice. Leave her there.

    Back to no contact, you have nothing to be sorry for, except perhaps filling her car with air, you're a better man then me, I would have told her to Google it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,880, Reputation: 10852
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    #9

    Jan 31, 2011, 12:35 PM

    Lousy experience but just start NC all over again, screw her!
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #10

    Feb 2, 2011, 09:38 AM
    Moderators, this to me is yet another buggy situation?
    I see a 1/14 post, and a 1/31 follow up, but also a 1/31 post, and now a new one identical to the 1/31 one, even though I can't see the entire 1/31 follow up, which says 'merged posts' on it in some views but not others.
    Very confusing.
    momosur's Avatar
    momosur Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Feb 2, 2011, 09:41 AM
    I'm not a good person in such matters.
    But all I can say is that if you love her, and she feels the same for you, go on.

    Forgive and forget.
    If the problem persists, ask her if you are the real cause or there is something else bothering her.

    If you are, then stop.

    If you aren't, then you people will become greater friends.

    Hope I helped,
    Momo :)
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #12

    Feb 2, 2011, 10:39 AM

    Okay you regressed, so just pick yourself back up and go full NO CONTACT. Geez, aren't you glad you are no longer her door mat!!
    Her texting you like that only goes to prove that she wants upmost control in any relationship. She doesn't mind hurting you, to move on with her life, but if your not around to dance to her tone she sure gets nasty!!

    Take care
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,880, Reputation: 10852
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    #13

    Feb 2, 2011, 03:22 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    Moderators, this to me is yet another buggy situation?
    I see a 1/14 post, and a 1/31 follow up, but also a 1/31 post, and now a new one identical to the 1/31 one, even though I can't see the entire 1/31 follow up, which says 'merged posts' on it in some views but not others.
    Very confusing.
    The problem has been rectified, and to the OP, maybe the format that your using has confused you but there is no need to keep copying and pasting duplicates to this original post.

    If there is problem just say something so we can get to the bottom of it, but don't just keep posting in the dark.
    Cleavse's Avatar
    Cleavse Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Feb 7, 2011, 08:13 PM
    Threads merged for the last time.

    My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. I've tried to move on but I'm still madly in love with her. I've learned to better control my emotions. I away in another state due to receiving a job offer. Should I show her that I' still care about her? I know she's moved on but do you think this move could rekindle make her miss me?

    Is there anythign I can do? I've done no contact and everything. Help!

    It's been 2 months, I still can't get over her. I have good days where I'm OK then all the sudden, I'll be in one of my really bad moods where I can barely function. I want to get her something for Valentines Day to tell her I still care. Is that a bad idea? You think that could get her thinking again.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #15

    Feb 7, 2011, 08:34 PM

    Stick to no contact.

    She's your ex, she's moved on, she's over it and you. It's time for you to move on too.

    Sending things will not help. It's best to forget about her, keep yourself busy, and when you're ready you can meet someone new.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,880, Reputation: 10852
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    #16

    Feb 7, 2011, 09:46 PM

    I think you give yourself more time, and forget about Valentines day. It will get better. Go 6 months of NC and see how you feel.

    Read the stickies and get some idea that we all have gone through this, some of us ore than a few times, and we survive, and thrive.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #17

    Feb 8, 2011, 07:38 AM

    If she has moved on with her life, then you making contact on Valentines day will not be met with joy. You will only be making yourself appear to be desperate!!

    I know that your lonely and hurting, but you are in a new place start getting out and meeting new people. Start getting to know that people you work with. Get involved around your area with volunteering. Just don't sit around thinking of her. She is the past, start looking forward to your future!!

    Take care
    Cleavse's Avatar
    Cleavse Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Feb 8, 2011, 07:01 PM
    There is nothing that I can do to encourage her to come back to me? I know the distance is a huge barrier. Is there anything I can do to set myself and improve my chances of her returning to me? It's been 2 months and it's driving me nuts. I have great days where I feel like I'm on top of the word, and there are days where I hit rock bottom.

    I don't know how much more I can take of this, help!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,880, Reputation: 10852
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    #19

    Feb 8, 2011, 07:12 PM

    We all have good days and bad days, and that's just life. Enjoy the good, and get through the bad. Your problem is you have no plan for the bad days, and that makes them worse than what they have to be.

    There is nothing that I can do to encourage her to come back to me?
    There is nothing you SHOULD do to encourage her back. Going crazy is certainly up to you, but is that the best idea you can come up with to spend your time?

    Read the stickies, going crazy over a lost love is not on the list of things to do when you get dumped.
    Cleavse's Avatar
    Cleavse Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Feb 10, 2011, 03:01 PM
    Next weekend, I'm going back to my home state to visit my Alma Mater and hang out with my friends who are still in college. Problem is - we all have the same friends since we grew up in college together.

    I'm really nervous about this, since last time (if you read my post before), she told me I was stealing her friends and *****ed me out.

    I still have feelings for her, but I've started to control it better. I'm scared I may regress and what not, with Valentines Day coming up. I want to leave the weekend with her thinking about me or what not, but I know that isn't reality. I'm so frustrated, been nothing but the better person but I feel like I'm being punished still.

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