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-   -   I need help with this essay editing (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=681231)

  • Jul 10, 2012, 07:54 PM
    Wondergirl
    No, the thesis needs lot of work yet. Like I said, your best thing to do is make a good outline for the main points with details for each main point. Then look at the essay and see where there is repetition and where you can make stronger arguments for differences and similarities.
  • Jul 10, 2012, 08:03 PM
    Wondergirl
    For instance (this is NOT an outline):

    Topic for a paragraph--living situation for high school (list details) vs. living situation for college (list details). Are there any similarities? What are the differences?

    Outline style --

    Living situation
    A. Similarities
    1. high school
    a.
    b.
    c.
    2. college
    a.
    b.
    c.
    B. Differences
    1. high school
    a.
    b.
    c.
    2. college
    a.
    b.
    c.

    Courses
    A. Similarities
    1. high school
    a.
    b.
    c.
    2. college
    a.
    b.
    c.
    B. Differences
    1. high school
    a.
    b.
    c.
    2. college
    a.
    b.
    c.
  • Jul 11, 2012, 10:29 AM
    jessica2300
    How can I put this essay on first person
  • Jul 11, 2012, 10:35 AM
    Wondergirl
    Why would you want first person? It already is in places.
  • Jul 11, 2012, 10:40 AM
    jessica2300
    I need as a first person as I me myself like experience
  • Jul 11, 2012, 10:41 AM
    Wondergirl
    Are you in college?
  • Jul 11, 2012, 10:48 AM
    jessica2300
    High school 12th grade
  • Jul 11, 2012, 10:50 AM
    Wondergirl
    You cannot use the first person because you have not experienced college life. It would make your essay even worse and less believable than it is now.
  • Jul 11, 2012, 10:53 AM
    jessica2300
    Well I'm taking duel enrollment class in college
  • Jul 11, 2012, 10:58 AM
    Wondergirl
    Online?
  • Jul 11, 2012, 11:12 AM
    jessica2300
    Yes maam
  • Jul 11, 2012, 11:28 AM
    jessica2300
    Will you please help me thank you so much
  • Jul 11, 2012, 11:30 AM
    Wondergirl
    You have no college experience and no real clue what goes on there. Making your essay first person would water it down further and make it sound even more superficial than it is already. You would be better off spending time strengthening your major points by putting together the outline, as I showed you, and then developing the essay accordingly.
  • Jul 11, 2012, 11:32 AM
    jessica2300
    Well I'm in first year of college so it would consider as my college life I took some duelenrollment classes in campus
  • Jul 11, 2012, 11:33 AM
    Wondergirl
    I've been to three colleges. Your essay does not reflect college life.
  • Jul 11, 2012, 11:38 AM
    jessica2300
    Well how can I make my essay my experience in college and high I need an compare and contrast essay
  • Jul 11, 2012, 11:44 AM
    Wondergirl
    You've got a compare-contrast essay, but it's repetitive, poorly organized, and poorly written. Turning it into first person won't fix that. Make the outline!!

    List all the things that happen in both kinds of schools, then compare and contrast using the outline form as a guide --

    Textbooks
    Teachers
    Classmates
    Living situation
    Parking of student cars
    Free time
    Class length
    Class schedule
    Food service
    Core courses
    Electives
    Majors/minors
    etc.
  • Jul 11, 2012, 12:07 PM
    jessica2300
    Can you help my paragraph by paragraph
  • Jul 11, 2012, 12:08 PM
    Wondergirl
    I just did --

    Textbooks
    Teachers
    Classmates
    Living situation
    Parking of student cars
    Free time
    Class length
    Class schedule
    Food service
    Core courses
    Electives
    Majors/minors
    etc.

    Be sure each paragraph has a good topic sentence and is on only one of the above subjects -- and shows high school and college similarities and differences.
  • Jul 11, 2012, 12:09 PM
    jessica2300
    When I was a high school I remember thinking, “How long for senior year”, “Can graduation come any sooner?” High school was considered as a lockup in my opinion it had horrible food as free lunch, high fences, bossy teachers, and the false idea of hope. I couldn't wait to go to college, now that I'm attending college as a sophomore, it made me realize that high school may have felt like prison, but it's nothing compared to all the energy college takes away from me and that's without anyone giving you orders. Even though high school and college are both institutions of education but, the transition among the two can be drastic and can take time for the mind to get use to the different rules, regulations and ideas that comes with college. Being a high school student is usually the happiest and most careless period of one's. There comes a time when I realize that college is a difficult period of my life, especially when it comes to education. Although college and high school both require hard work and dedication, college schooling takes more self control, responsibility, and more so a positive attitude about your education.

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