I am a country girl with a very prejudiced family. I met the man of my dreams at a bar and were together for almost a year. I am totally infactuated with him and his two kids but we recently broke off our relationship because I can't make the commitment to him to tell my family about him. He looks at it as if I'm ashamed of him and the kids because of their color. And that is not the point at all, my family is on the American History X crazy side of this topic. I don't want him to get physically hurt because of me. My family has a lot of money and they are the only ones really helping me out when I get in a jam. He works a mediocre job but he can't really do for me what they do or take care of me in a sense that a man is supposed to take care of a woman. The stress of juggling two separate lives was getting the best of me and he was tired of having to hide his stuff when someone came over. I have moral values of not wanting to go against the views of my family but I would also like to live my life for me and what I want. I want to shout to the world how much I really do love this man but I don't want to lose my family in the process. Help!!

If the love is that strong, then what's the problem. I believe you are "finding" too many excuses! It's time you take a look at yourself.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

I am a country girl with a very prejudiced family. I met the man of my dreams at a bar and were together for almost a year. I am totally infactuated with him and his two kids but we recently broke off our relationship because I can't make the commitment to him to tell my family about him. He looks at it as if i'm ashamed of him and the kids because of their color. And that is not the point at all, my family is on the American History X crazy side of this topic. I don't want him to get physically hurt because of me. My family has a lot of money and they are the only ones really helping me out when i get in a jam. He works a mediocre job but he can't really do for me what they do or take care of me in a sense that a man is supposed to take care of a woman. The stress of juggling two seperate lives was getting the best of me and he was tired of having to hide his stuff when someone came over. I have moral values of not wanting to go against the views of my family but I would also like to live my life for me and what I want. I want to shout to the world how much I really do love this man but I don't want to lose my family in the process. Help!!!!

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Well I understand the situation you are in you love your family and want stability. Can this man one day provide more for you. How does his children react to you and a year isn't very long are you sure this is something that you really want? As for your family maybe you should try to show them the good side of other races. Love is strong and very important but so is trust

I just don't know how to go about telling them without one of them going ballistic. I love this man with all my heart. I love his kids and they love me. His 7yr old daughter is always telling him daddy I want you to marry kim and we want to come live with you and kim. They wanted to get me something for mother's day and not their real mother. They were separated when we met and going through a divorce and she hates me because the kids run to me and I'm all they talk about. So she tried to destroy him had him thrown in jail on false charges, car impounded, lost his job. I mean it was ridiculous. I picked up the pieces and helped him out and took care of those kids for the last year. Me and the daughter got into a small argument because I told her to pick up her clothes, toys, etc... and she smarted off and I'm sorry I would take that off my own kids much less someone else's so he and I get into a bigger argument because "i was out of line" now he has since moved back into his ex-wife's garage apt. "so he can be closer to the kids" because I wouldn't make a commitment. I love him with all my heart and I miss the kids dearly, but it's the principal of the thing and if he really loved me wouldn't he have tried to make it worth my while to tell my family about them?

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Originally Posted by kaj675

i i love him with all my heart and i miss the kids dearly, but it's the principal of the thing and if he really loved me wouldn't he have tried to make it worth my while to tell my family about them?

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It's the principal of the thing that if you loved him you would tell your family. Your family should love you unconditionally.

I don't blame him for being hurt. You say you love him, but you won't stand up for that love. You say you want to be with him forever, but you are not willing to risk the $$ security blanket of your family. Are you sure that you love him? Maybe you love the risk (your family finding out) that you take by being with him.

OK I am hearing that money is more important than your love for this man, is this ture? Dig deep!!
I am from the northwest and it is not unusal to see a white woman with a black man. I am and have been with black men since I was very young. My fathers and his side of the family are all from TEXAS... dont like that I date black men BUT you know what? ITS MY LIFE and I will live it how I please. My father has money BUT money is not important to me... GET educated girlie and live your own life!! Maybe you should go to school get a good job and then be with him if you love this man SO much. If I was him I would think that you are ashamed to be with me or that money was more important. You can say that your family is important but if they truly love you as a daughter, sister or whatever they will love you as long as you let them. It might be hard at first and some of the stubborn family memebers might fight it BUT when they see how happy you are then they will get it. I wish you the best in your decision. I hope you make the right one :)

I see your point of view as well, but right now my family are the only ones helping me do anything. If I get in a jam and really need something they are the only ones I can call. He and I have broken up and he is seeing someone else. I wish them both luck but back to just the generalized race thing. My mother has told me that if I bring home a black man she will disown me and I will be out of the family forever. I don't want to lose my family but I want to live my life for me. And say I find someone that is really great and I tell them and get disowned and we get married have a family and 10yrs down the road we split and I have nothing. I can't say family because I can't have children but just say we adopt. I'm on my own without him or my family. If I can see that it's rocky in the beginning I'm not going to tell my family right off the bat until I know it's for sure worth losing them over. I know people say that all the time. I had friends in high school that dated black men and even married them and their parents got over it and everyone says that "your parents love you and they aren't going to disown you" bull!! My parents would. They don't even want me to be friends with black females. They are like kkk stuff. It's insanely ridiculous. Everything that comes out their mouth is and this and and that. My parents are the type of people that as long as everything is going their way they love me but when they found out how I felt about the whole race thing they went ballistic. They wanted to disown me because I had friends over at a bar be que that were black and they showed up. There were white, black, and mexican, they still went ballistic. My dad had co signed for my car and tried to take it away from me and make me pay him for his half ownership. That's how racist they are. They will never get over it. I just wish we could all get along. This is 2008. I don't even know how to sit them down and talk to them about my views and their views sensibly

I somehow think the problem is that you have a deeper sense of social justice (love) inside of you and want to be loved for who you are, rather than this being about who you love at the moment.

I imagine that sooner or later you will need to DISOWN your parents for as much time as it takes for you to become financially independent so that you can begin to relate to them as equals. Otherwise, you will never have your own life or self respect and will be feeding into a system you instinctively know to be unjust (not based on love). And you will always question if your parents can love you for who you are.

That's easy for me or anyone else to say, I know, and I feel a bit awful suggesting it since you feel so emotionally torn at the moment, and it is obviously a difficult step for you to take. On the other hand, what choice do you have?

Once you do become more financially independent, you'll find you're free to love a man and show them respect which would be a much better basis for forming a relationship.

Can you ask your parents for financial help in ways that will help you secure your financial independence? Are you working or studying at the moment?

I work full time at an insurance company and make decent money and I'm also going to school for criminal justice in hopes to become an investigator for the same insurance company I work for now. I pay my own way and but when something drastic happens like my water heater went out. I didn't have the money to replace it. I borrowed it from them. Its just very stressful and it's hard to stand up to them. My father and I don't get along at all whatso ever. It's a screaming match with the two of us in the same room. But I love my mother. She is my best friend but she just doesn't understand me. I was in a bad relationship with a guy for 5years and it was a complete nightmare and I kept it from them that long. One day they showed up and we were fighting. My mother acted like she would have rather found me dead then with a "black man". I'm glad they came because 5yrs of terror ended that day. My dad put the fear of God in him and he left and haven't heard from him since 2/03. She still every time we're by ourselves brings it up "what made you do that" "didn't we teach you better than that" "why" "why" "are you still messing with those n's". Then I just get pissed and won't say anything. I'm 32yrs old. You lived your life and your parents hated dad but they got over it to not lose you. Let me live my life. My grandfather is worth millions and lives on a farm that has been in our family since the early 1800s. Its sentimental to me. She says she will cut me out of the will because it will be over her dead body if a black man even sets foot on that place. It's not all about the money. It's like I want to call her bluff but I know she will do it. I like black men and my whole family is racist. It's very stressful living two separate lives and my friends having to be quiet when they call cause I don't want them to show up at my house acting a fool.

Hi kaj675, I started to wonder how to respond when I read this on another thread:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...on-195608.html


It's hard for anyone to be completely financially independent, so I understand your fear of letting go of family support. However, your father is abusing the power he has over you.

You're in a tough spot, so I wish you the best in dealing with a complicated situation.

You americans are unbeliveable.money more important than love,race a serious issue and a man must provide for you. It's a kick up the you want oh and tell the black guy the truth that is that he is far better off without a spoilt brat like you.

When you are so attached to your family, it is hard to separate from them. Their opinion matters to you, and you believe what they say. But if your family truly cared about you the way you do for them they would accept your decision. You can not live for your family as an adult, because you won't be able to start a family. HE is your new family.

You need to move away from your family and not be scared of them. Leave, don't contact them and move on until they have calmed down.