I've been molested and raped all my life by strangers, neighbors, friends and family. People I thought I could trust, people I thought I could count on. I can't take much more of it. Now I don't like being around people. I don't like going out on dates or with friends. I don't like going to work or to the store. I feel depressed all the time. And I cry a lot. And latly all I can think about is how much I want to die. I cut myself a couple times and done other things to hurt myself. Because I feel like it is my fault and I deserve to get hurt and I deserve to die. Because I am a bad person. I feel like everywhere I go people are looking down at me. I don't know what do to make myself stop feeling this way. I wish I had a friend. I feel so lost and alone.

I can just tell you that killing yourself is not the way out. I can tell from my own experience... I almost jumped off a tall building myself. If I did that I would not have a chance to enjoy SO MANY nice ("nice" doesn't describe it well enough) things that happened to me after I wanted to jump.

There are just moments when you have to go through some bad (very bad) things. To quote an old saying: "Those who want to enjoy the glory of sunrise, must live through the night."

Living depressed is a horrible way to exist. See a doctor and try some of the antidepressants available. Saved my life. I'm normal again. Good Luck!

Your perception of Self is wrongfully distorted. The physical and emotional experiences you have had are not a matter of "fault" or "blame". Due to many factors involved with your childhood and exposure to those horrendous acts against you, there exists a "emotional scaring". The perpetrators are the ones who should be punished and surely they will receive theirs in due time. The important issue right now is that you need to look out into the world through a new window! Only you can change the future and put the past into a lead box and cast it out into the deepest depths of oblivion. You should seriously consider finding a counselor to help you through this transition. It is not easy for anyone to let loose of "Bad Baggage". Remember that you are not what others think you are but you are all that "You Think" you are! You want to die out of desparation to bring to an end to the recurring nightmare of life that you find yourself in. You are no longer willing to venture out into a world that you have learned to distrust. I would certainly want to help you. Will you share your age and your current living arrangements. Are you employed? Church? Alcohol/drug abuse? Family ties? Is there no one? Look in the yellow pages under Counseling and/or Mental Health! There you will find free counseling sessions where you can share with others who have had the same experiences! You will be surprised as to how many other woman have had similar life experiences and how they learned to overcome and move on while building new constructive and happy lives. They will become your "Support Group". Give it a try and write in again. I hope I have helped you feel better!

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Originally Posted by Boncatgirl

I've been molested and raped all my life by strangers, neighbors, friends and family. People I thought I could trust, people I thought I could count on. I can't take much more of it. Now I don't like being around people. I don't like going out on dates or with friends. I don't like going to work or to the store. I feel depressed all the time. And I cry alot. And latly all I can think about is how much I want to die. I cut myself a couple times and done other things to hurt myself. Because I feel like it is my fault and I deserve to get hurt and I deserve to die. Because I am a bad person. I feel like everywhere I go people are looking down at me. I don't know what do to make myself stop feeling this way. I wish I had a friend. I feel so lost and alone.

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I'm not good with words, not english words, anyway here it goes.

I was laying down on the flor in my room, my dog, Atena was with me in the room. I had just walked inside from smoking 1 and a half, you know what. And I just feel depressed.

It's been going on for some time and It just get's worse and worse, not to try to sound dramatic but I'm going freaking nuts. I can't do anything without feeling bad for myself, To quote A military man

"I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself."

I'm really trying to live like that, but I just don't want to anymore, I can't explain what Im feeling but I just needed to say this, don't ask me why.

Just the other day I was reminded that depression is anger turned inward. The people who abused you deserve your anger and resentment. Be honest about mistakes you have made. Those are forgivable. You are worthwhile, even when it feels like the whole world is against you. You are both forgivable and worthwhile. Get some medical or psychological assistance.

The circumstances in your life have led you to believe that you brought all this on yourself, and I just want to tell you that that is simply not true. You were brought into this world with people who mean you no good--even in your own family. I've always believed that the people who seem to suffer the most in this world are the people who have, or will have the most to offer, and the enemy is trying to choke it out of you.

Please don't kill yourself or any of that. You are precious in the eyes of the Lord, and despite how you may feel, your life truly does matter. No matter how it may seem (and I'm speaking from personal experience here, not just vain, people-pleasing words) Jesus is there for you.

The Bible says, "Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28 He can deliver you from the depression that you feel and I know this because He did it for me as well. I was very depressed and angry, and constantly sad about how my life had turned out--I had to drop out of college because of my poor planning, and I was always considered to be ugly and a loser by many people who I came across.

I know it's not rape and I'm not comparing my situation to yours in that manner, I'm just letting you know that there are others who feel the same way, and that there is an Answer for us all--in Jesus Christ the Lord.

As hard as it may be, you need to release the anger and pain that you have toward the people who betrayed you. Evenn though it may be justified, all anger (justified or not) when carried for a long time, will destroy your soul. Let them go, and begin again.

The road isn't at all easy (it sure wasn't for me, because I had some false starts and was afraid to move forward after I knew better) but Jesus Christ was there for me always. He can be there for you too. :)

You can email me if you want to talk further. I'm all (eyes) ears. :D

To Lady day, that was great advice. I've been so down these past months because of being lonely, and wondering why I can't be happy with someone and why someone won't or hasn't loved me. I look to the bible, but can't find the right scriptures to help. I wonder why is it that some women are so lucky to have everything, money, fame, and the best looking men, and others like me have nothing, no one and is slowing dying. I had a crush on an pro baseball player, and wonder why can't I meet him, why can't he meet me even if I'm not rich or famous or blond. It really hurts to see people like him and know that I will never ever be able to just say hi, I'm a fan and would like to be a friend. I know this is stupid but believe me I have tried to get over my depression about being alone and I just can't.

Antidepressants could work but they could just **** you up and then you'll depend on pill's the rest of you're life but if you're not afraid to do drugs, then there's a simple solution actually but may seem kind of crazy to different people.

MDMA also known by it's street name (Ecstasy) was being used by therapists before is was made illegal to treat people with traumatic events that have happened in there life. Example, a family member passing, rape (mostly), and car accident, ETC. The success rate of this working is 9/10. If you're not a downer on drugs and are not afraid to try this I recommend you do this, you will be able to get back into life again and accept what happened to you.