I am a male. I'm 20 years old. My girlfriend is female, and she is about to turn 20. My girlfriend of two and a half years says she does not find intimacy in sex, whether it is intercourse, oral, hand jobs, etc. She says she finds intimacy only in holding each other and talking. I, on the other hand disagree with her. I am a very sexual person. I love sex and I sometimes prefer to call it making love. I find intimacy in sex as well as in holding each other and talking to one another. She says she does not find pleasure in it either because she “is not a sexual person” (in her terms). She says she will have sex with me, but only because I want it. She says she is uncomfortable doing it because of the surrounding environment (i.e. someone is in the house), and because she is uncomfortable with herself (physically). I tell her she is beautiful all the time, and that she does not need to be uncomfortable about her body (because she truly does not have anything wrong with her).

I am not sure what to do. I love her so much and I do not want to do things that make her uncomfortable. However, I have needs, too. I enjoy sex, but she never wants to do it, so we do not. Should there be a compromise of some sort. I have no idea what to do or not do in my situation. Do I just give her what she wants (no sex) and me be unhappy? Do I argue with her about me wanting to do it only for her to be unhappy when we finally do it? What are the circumstances of what options I have at this point?

This topic relates to adult sexuality, but I found it better to be posted in the relationships category because I want I'm not sure what do in the relationship.

Have you two ever spent hours together, just walking and talking... and then started kissing, hugging, and holding on to each other? Of those times, how many eventually led to being intimate as well?

Most guys have a duality where we want the loving intimacy of a person we are emotinally connected to, but also crave the raw animal instict of just "doing it" porn-star style.

You might try making a "weekend getaway" where you both can be alone, relax, and remain uninterrupted. Take time to talk and just be together - without the expectation of sex. Also - make sure your "love making" doesn't progress too quickly from the emotional connection to physical pleasure.

And at the end of it all, you have to be honest and question if this person really is "the one". Be honest - maybe she's not.

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She says she finds intimacy only in holding each other and talking. I, on the other hand disagree with her.

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I really don't understand how you can disagree with what she likes. If you can't meet her needs just because that's what she wants, why should she meet yours. A relationship is give and take and not about just you. If you can't see that then leave her alone and find one who is more suited to your NEEDS.

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She says she is uncomfortable doing it because of the surrounding environment (i.e. someone is in the house), and because she is uncomfortable with herself (physically). I tell her she is beautiful all the time, and that she

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Telling her and making her feel beautiful are two different things and if she is uncomfortable with her surrounding you need to do something about that. You two sound to young and incompatible to be together honestly. You obviously are not talking to work to solve the problems between you.

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This topic relates to adult sexuality, but I found it better to be posted in the relationships category because I want I'm not sure what do in the relationship.

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This has nothing to do with adult sexuality as you two do not relate on a personal level and that affects the quality of the relationship. You can either grow into this or walk your own way.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I really don't understand how you can disagree with what she likes. If you can't meet her needs just because thats what she wants, why should she meet yours. A relationship is give and take and not about just you. If you can't see that then leave her alone and find one who is more suited to your NEEDS.

Telling her and making her feel beautiful are two different things and if she is uncomfortable with her surrounding you need to do something about that. You two sound to young and incompatible to be together honestly. You obviously are not talking to work to solve the problems between you.

This has nothing to do with adult sexuality as you two do not relate on a personal level and that affects the quality of the relationship. You can either grow into this or walk your own way.

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I didn't make myself clear. I'm not making this about me. I've been doing what she wants for the past 2 years. I've held her, I've talked to her.. things that are intimate. I never said talking and holding each other aren't intimate. I just said that I want more than that, like sex, which I find intimate. I give her all. I do things she would never do for me. When I ask for the things she wants from me, she doesn't give them to me. Don't tell me I'm making this about me, because I am not.

What would I be asking questions on here if I was not trying to solve problems with her and I? You think I haven't talked to her about this? Well I have. A LOT. NOTHING has changed.

As far as making her feel comfortable, I do my best. She says she is uncomfortable when other people are in the house, because she thinks she's fat, thinks she has small boobs. What else am I supposed to do when I tell her and show her that those things she thinks are flase?

I think you need to stop jumping to conclusions telling that her and I aren't for each other or that we are too young to be in a relationship. You have no idea what her and I's maturity level is at. Again, don't jump to conclusions. Ask questions about things first.

And as for your last comment... did I post this in relationships or adult sexuality?

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Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

Have you two ever spent hours together, just walking and talking... and then started kissing, hugging, and holding on to each other? Of those times, how many eventually led to being intimate as well?

Most guys have a duality where we want the loving intimacy of a person we are emotinally connected to, but also crave the raw animal instict of just "doing it" porn-star style.

You might try making a "weekend getaway" where you both can be alone, relax, and remain uninterrupted. Take time to talk and just be together - without the expectation of sex. Also - make sure your "love making" doesn't progress too quickly from the emotional connection to physical pleasure.

And at the end of it all, you have to be honest and question if this person really is "the one". Be honest - maybe she's not.

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We have spent hours together many times. We spend basically our lives together. We have taken strolls, walks, etc. and have held each other, laughed, enjoyed each other's presence, kissed.. and they never went further than that. Sometimes they did.

My girlfriend used to love to have sex all the time. She used to initiate and do all sorts of crazy things in our sex life. Now, however, she doesn't. We've taken weekend trips with just the two of us... sometimes with sex, sometimes without.

Lastly, when we do have our time for sex and love making, she doesn't just want to kiss and take things slow. She just wants to get it over with because it either hurts her, or she orgasms too quickly and wants to be done. Other times, she's in the mood for a few minutes, and when we get into it, she starts to get out of the mood, so that's why we finish it up more quick.

That's why I quoted you sir, to make sure I had it right and my last line is my opinion, and not an indictment. You have communications problems, and if you and her cannot work together to solve your problems, then you will be like so many others who break up for the same reason. There is no blame for either, if you prove to be incompatible that happens as relationships change and people change, or grow apart. Don't be so sensitive.