In a nutshell my husband will not stop calling a particular female even though I have confronted him and he keeps saying that there is nothing going on. This has been a problem for some time and he says I am making more out of it. I do not want to divorce but I can't take much more of this behavior. How do I get him to stop since threats do not work. I left him last summer but he got me to come back by lying. I'm fed up and I am falling out of love.:mad: :confused:

I think he should consider your feelings and your marriage

Ywinans, what is the nature of the relationship between your husband and this woman? Is this someone he works with? Met on the internet? Someone he was friends with before you were married? Can you tell us a little bit more about this situation? It is hard to give advice with so little info.

My husband has a side business a mobile DJ company and back in 2001 he provided the musical enjoyment for a client of his bachelor party. This is where he met this woman for the first time. They ran into each other again at a function where he was the Disc Jockey. He says that she saw his name on a flyer and since her company was sponsoring the event she had to come out and see him. Well this is were their relationship goes from innocent to dishonest. He confessed to me that he told her he was separated and of course he gave his cell # and she gave him hers. From this point to October 2004 he had her believing he was going to get a divorce it wasn't until she propose they move in together that he told her he was working on his marriage and we were back together. All this time he had been there for her emotionally. April of 2005 I found out they were seen together at a car show that we had planned to go to but I was unable due to my job demands. The next month I came across pictures from the car show with her in them. I confronted him and of course he lied. I searched throughout the house for other pictures and found pictures of her in a hotel room posing nude for him. At this point I worked feverishly finding as much incriminating evidence I could. I did my own investigating and found out she was an ex- stripper and was a porn star in Atlanta. After a month I could not take anymore I packed our bags and my son and I moved out. I came back in August because he seemed truly sorry for his actions. He told me that he wanted to work on our marriage. Like a fool I believed him. I asked him to cease all contact with her and get some counseling. Needless to say he still calls her a minimum twenty times in a month and tells me that they are just friends and to get over it. He claims I'm the only one for him and she means nothing to him and besides, I should know nothing is going on since I know his every move. I'm now wondering should I stay in this marriage of 17 years or give up and divorce him. I need advice.

would he put up with it if it was you doing it? it doesnt sound like they are just friends to me, it sounds like they were having an affair, if they are just friends why would she ask him to move in with her?

Ywinans, I am so sorry you are in such pain.

The fact that your husband thinks you should "just get over it" is very problematic. He needs to understand that he broke all trust with you and that he has to work on getting that back along with the respect he has lost from you, in doing what he did.

Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if we have hit our breaking point when we are contemplating ending our marriage. Have you hit your breaking point with him yet? Or do you still want to work on the marriage? I know you are frustrated, but do you think there is any hope of turning him around? If not, I think you have your answer. If you do think there is hope, or you want to make another attempt to save your marriage, I think it would be a wise decision and beneficial to both of you to seek out a marriage counselor and see if the damage he has done can be repaired. A good counselor will get him to see that his actions don't speak of a man who is willing to make any attempt to correct his behavior. If your husband refuses to go, I think you should go on your own. The counselor will help you think this through and come to a decision as to what is best for you in this situation.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I will attempt to get him to go to counseling and give it one more try before I feel it is hopeless. I will not settle for less. I feel I have been a devoted wife and mother and deserve a man who will cherish me.

Take care, I will keep you posted.

Yes, ywinans, please keep us posted if you remember to. And, for the record, you are absolutely right. You should not settle for less from him, than what you yourself have given in this marriage.

His statement that the woman doesn't mean anything to him doesn't make sense. If she really didn't mean anything to him then it wouldn't be a big deal to cut off all communication with her. Instead he gets defensive and tells you to get over it, this makes me a little questioning of his true actions and feeling towards this woman. I agree with rubypitbull you need to get marriage counseling. I would try to fix things before giving up simply because there is a child involved. If your husband really loves you he will also want to do everything possible to try to fix the problem. His lies is what really troubles me. Things need to come out in the open and you both need to express your feelings in the matter. I think a counselor might be needed for him to really hear what you have to say. Best of luck!

Anyone who takes that much effort to keep someone in their life, cares more and has invested more than you think. Whether it has been a physical affair or not , there is definitely something brewing between them. I would tell him I will get out or you can, until you decide what's more important. You shouldn't have to live like that. He is going to keep dragging you along, with no intentions of stopping whatever relationship he already has with her. They are only going to get closer as he complains to her why you are giving him such a hard time. She is a real jerk for not letting him go and respecting your relationship. She sounds like the black widow, I hope you get rid of her, or him or both!

There is a statement here that stuck out when I read it. It bothers me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ywinans43

From this point to October 2004 he had her believing he was going to get a divorce it wasn't until she propose they move in together that he told her he was working on his marriage and we were back together.

---

The fact that she wanted to move in together tells me that this goes beyond phone calls. If NOTHING else an emotional affair is taking place. But, again, if she wants to move in together - I would think it has gone a step farther.

I don't mean to be harsh by pointing this out - And I am sorry if it comes across that way. I just want you to really think about this. If you can get past this - then great. Marriage should not be something that is taken lightly. I would have a hard time to tell you to just walk away. Counseling is going to be key. Also, he has got to be honest with you. If he keeps this up - then you will be wasting your time.

As far as you watching his every move - well, he hasn't given you much of a choice, has he? Something is going on here - he has broken your trust. There are consequences to that. If he says he wants to be with you - then he has to understand that he broke something and HE has to fix it.
Good Luck.

It's unfortunate that your husband is behaving in this kind of manner despite that you people have a child. Well, all hope is not lost. Marriage is for better & for worst, for good & for bad, but all the same, the most important ingredients of marriage (to my own believe) are love, respect for each other, mutual understanding & the fear of God.
I suggest that you take him to your pastor or Rev. Fr. Or whosever that is the leader of your church (if you people are christians). The suggestion of taking him to a marriage counsellor is also a wise one. Always pray to God for a peaceful, quick & permanent solution to this urgly behaviour.
Finally, I will advise you to continue loving him & carry out your routine duties as a responsible wife as guilty conscience may lead him to a permanent change of behaviour.
I wish you all the best!

Forget Counsiling, That Only Works If He Really Wants To. Hes Having A Great Time, Hes Got His Wife To Do All The Wife Stuff And His Girlfriend At The Same Time To Give Him Everything Else. He Want Go To Counsiling ,he May Say He Is Sorry, But Hes Only Sorry If He Gets Caught,
So How Long Have You Wasted With Him. Hes Taken What You Can't Get Back, And That's Your Time.
When Stuff Like This Happens The Trust Just Don't Come Back, And If Its Not Her He'll Find Another,
Sorry I Can't Say You Should Work On This And Marriage Is Hard Work And You Just Can't Quit, Lose Him And Move On To What You Deserve. Your Child Doesn't Need Any Of This Either.
And I Really Don't Think You Should Be The One Who Has To Leave.
Good Luck

He thinks ha can have his cake and eat it too! Get her number and call her asd find out what is going on. And let him know you are going to call her and tell him when you find out the truth you will be leaving. You want to know who is calling who and what his is telling her. Don's Be anyone's footstool. You deserve BETTER.

Hello Everyone,

I want to thank every one of you for your advice. My husband has agreed to go to counseling however he did call her the day before our Anniversary and she called on our anniversary to wish him a happy Father's Day. I listened to her message on his cell phone and I erased it and the record of her number. She called again and I answered his phone and had a heart to heart talk with her. It got very heated. I made sure I had control of the conversation. Maybe this is what prompted him to go to counseling. I will lay it all on the line. I am so tired of his actions. I'm also tired of desperate harlots who have nothing better to do than try to steal husbands away from their wives. He thinks that I'm trying to get revenge and that I'm starting a relationship with another man. What has prompted him to think this way is that I have asked my best friend to call me with her number blocked. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine without stooping to his level. I have no regrets for my actions. He deserves this and more. I have been a doting, loving wife for 18 years putting my dreams on hold for the family. Enough is enough. I will not settle for less. He has to gain my trust again or this marriage will dissolve.

Again, Thanks.

YWinans

Good for you. It sounds like you're getting stronger.
Ask yourself this... do you really think you should have to have any heart to heart talks with anyone other than your husband? Just the fact that your marriage has come down to this should tell you something. You don't need it... any of it. You deserve more.
I'm not sure that counseling is going to help. I'm sure it would help you, but I think leaving him would help you more. He sounds very immature and selfish. He wants his cake and to eat it too, no matter whether he's stomping on your heart or not.
You said you were falling out of love with him. Can you say that you truly love him now? Can you live with the deception and trying to trust again, and always wondering if he's back to his old ways?
You deserve more. I say if you can afford it, then move out and make a new life for yourself. This is your life. How does it look, from the outside looking in? What would you tell a friend? Can you see yourself living the rest of your life like this? Always wondering, never fully trusting, always wondering if he loves you as much as you love him?
These are the questions you have to ask yourself. Only you know your limitations.

I'm the reason why we have the house we live in. If anyone should leave it should be him. I have considered selling the house and splitting the profits even though he deserves nada. We live in a community property state so I would have to divide the profits. I will give it one more try only because we have a son who is an A student and gifted athlete and I would hate to disrupt his life right now. I know my actions are getting to my husband. He is going out of his way to be more attentive to my needs. Let's see what counselling can do. My actions from this point on will be for me and my son.

Dear To be a miss,
You brought up some valid points. I will take all of them into consideration. I do appreciate your feedback. When it is all said and done, He will be the one to leave.
I will keep you posted.

Again,
Thanks.

It sounds to me like it is an emotional affair, not a physical one, therefore I feel it can be ended, forgiven, and behind you if you both commit to counseling. Some people are able to forgive the physical betrayal of vows, but I think that is much more difficult to get past. You seem to have caught on to this before it went that far. I suggest you attend counseling alone at first to sort out your thoughts and feelings and to give the counselor the information he/she needs before your husband attends. That way you can begin to get right to the point the first time he goes with you. There is obviously something you are not getting from him (like respect, honesty) but there is also something he doesn't feel he is getting from you so he is turning to someone else for it. Communication is key but honesty and trust go hand in hand with that. I really hope you two can work things out.

We are on the road to recovery. We are currently in counseling. My husband finally realizes that he is going to have to do a lot to gain my trust again. Thank you for your advice. Y