I am 25, well-educated, good-looking, have a good job and great boyfriend. I find myself looking for problems in my life. I am starting to do it in my relationship. When I met my boyfriend I was afraid that eventually I would feel jealous, or obsessive--and I did. I find myself always thinking/worrying about my relationship. I feel as though my boyfriend is too good for me and I will eventually drive him away because I seem to find problems. When we are out I find myself seeing if he is looking at other girls or even if he is having a conversation with someone I find it hard to focus on my conversation because I want to know what he is talking about. I know it sounds crazy. He is totally in love with me and trustworthy. Even his friends tell me that.
My other issue is this:
When I was younger, my older brother would touch me in inappropriate places and then give me money. It happened many times, but it took me a long time to tell my parents. I eventually told my parents and it never happened again. My brother has apologized and Im pretty sure I have forgiven him. I can talk to him about my life and I even look up to him for advice. I don't know if this would be considered sexual abuse or if it would have an affect on me. I do not want to scapegoat my jealousy issues. Its just hard because I know its wrong to feel this way, but my logic is not prevailing over my emotions. I just get so depressed sometimes because I don't know if I get these jealous feelings because that's just me or because I have psychological issues. I am well-educated, and know my jealsous feelings are stupid, but I still get those horrible feelings. I am getting better at controlling them, but its so tiring. I wish I could not care and be happy like so many other women. I am so upset and scared that these feelings will ruin my life and haunt me forever. I do not want to lose my boyfriend. Any advice would help, thanks so much.

Your feelings are NOT stupid and the goal should not be to contain and control them, but to determine the causes, come to terms with your past issues and learn new ways to cope with triggering factors. I really hope that you will try to find a good therapist, preferably one familiar with attachment issues. You don't seem to be deeply damaged and I am not suggesting that you suffer from an attachment problem, but in my opinion a therapist familiar with these types of issues could probably help you more than one who isn't. If you can't find one, then I feel that you need to explore other therapy options, to find the one that will work best for you.

Hope this helps! I believe that you can get through this with very little work.

Hugs, Didi

I think you should try and control your jealously issues as much as you can, because there is only sooo much jealously a guy can take, the next thing you know he's saying. F that. I don't need that in my life. If he's a good man. The you need to find a way to control it. Or lose him.

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Originally Posted by scoleman30

if he's a good man. the you need to find a way to controll it. or lose him.

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Wrong. If he's a good man he will be filled with understanding and compassion and help her get past this by standing beside her and working TOGETHER at strengthening the trust in the relationship.

Hugs, Didi

grammadidi I agree with you totally on the adviseyou gave. If you have a feeling,you should never try and control it, but rather understand why you have these feelings.
Hun. If you can talk to him about this and you two can work on this together. It will make the relationship with your boyfriend stronger and everyone else around you.I also feel therapy would be a great thing for you

wow.. I couldn't sleep so I came on and googled the reason I couldn't sleep.When I read your post I was stumped.. You were describing EXACTLY how I felt and you described Exactly how I behave as well.. Our childhood is simililar.. yet my jealousy is a bit more extreme.. I know my boyfriend loves me.. (we have talked about my jealousy) and yet knowing he loves me doesn't help =/.. So if you have found a way to deal with this feeling I would love to know =) ty

OK so I have the same issue and a bit more extreme as well. It's ruining my relationship, my happiness, and very soon is going to take over my life. I reallly need some good advice asap. I can barely watch a movie with my f without getting jealous angry and mean. It like kills me and I know it's not normal because he doesn't feel that jealous. I know he loves me too but I'm still jealous. It's so hard and I need help.

I can relate totally because me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 years then he broke up with me because he couldn't take me nagging all the time then later we got back together and for awhile it was good but then my jealousy issues started kicking in and I can't think about anything else other than what he's doing and who he's with and I hate when he's with his friends and I'm not there it drives me crazy! So as of now we have been dating for almost 3 years and I'm afraid he's going to get sick of me getting jealous and do the same thing again, he says he won't but I didn't know if I believe him. What do I do I'm so lost??

Ok so it sounds to me like you have self-esteem, insecurity issues.
Definitely try and see a therapist.
I think it's not about what he is doing, where he is going, who he is talking to or whether he is trustworthy. It is about you not loving yourself, therefore you feel like no one else can. A belief that you are not as funny or as pretty or witty as other women or the chick he talks to at the bar is somehow better than you, so that's where the jealousy starts.
To overcome these feelings you need to discover who you REALLY are, find out what is good about you, why people like you... so many people do not know who they are.
Start with a piece of paper, maybe work on it for a while...
With three columns titled “ideal self” “perceived self” and “real self”
Under each, jot down what you would like to be, how you think people see you and who you think you really are. Carry these around with you; it will help you discover who you really are. You need to discover what it is that makes you a loveable, attractive and most importantly, WORTHY person and girlfriend. This is not something that can be done over night.
Think if it this way, if he is to go out and find someone else, and decide that she is better, and leave you, will you be OK? It's about being OK with yourself, whether he wants to be with you or he decides he wants to be with someone else. These feelings come from the belief that you cannot live without him, or that somehow you will suffer extremely if he is to find someone else. I am sure that you have been alone at some point; you need to remind yourself that if anything is to happen you cannot control it nor could you have prevented it and if it happens you will live on. Your focus should be on maintaining internal peace with yourself and who you are, so that IF the day ever comes where you are alone, you're not left with someone you do not know.
Remember he is only part of your life, not your whole life. If leaves you, you'll be OK, so take the risk, let him go out, let him meet new people, let him live, he will love you more.
Love was never meant to jealously guard its captives.