Ask Me Help Desk - Wife Caught Drinking

Here's the backstory:
My wife and I have been together for awhile and seen the ups and downs etc. I found out about 3 months into the relationship that she was an alcoholic. She'd been lying to me about the amount she consumed until I confronted her. I went through the rehab process with her (Shakes, DTs) and she started to cruise again until she relasped again. She moved back in with her parents and cleaned up for about two years. Eventually we got married and have been so for two years. She hasn't drank until about two weeks ago I caught her and told her I was leaving. I didn't because we have a house and a life together. This is the sterile version leaving out all the good times and love. My question is what should I do besides tell her to go to AA? Should I stay? (I know you can't really answer that) Will this ever get better and change? I'm asking because we don't have kids and I don't want to bring kids into this world to deal with an unstable household. Its not fair. I feel like I'm in a tailspin because I love my wife truly but feel my trust has been shattered.

I am so sorry for the situation you are in, it is truly a rollercoaster ride to sy the least.

Now, you know I am sure, that she will not stop unless she wants to. AA will not help her if she is not ready to get help.

"Will this ever get better and change?" Well, we really can't answer that either, only she can.

I believe that you should, if you haven't already, sit down and talk to her, let her know what a deal breaker her drinking is. Let her know that this is not acceptable in your marriage and let her make the choice as to whether she wants to continue drinking.

Unfortunately it is all in her hands, it is her ultimate decision. Addiction is a terrible thing, as I am sure you are aware. It is a lifelong battle that some win, yet others lose, and lose miserably.

I may not be a good one for giving any kind of advice on this type of Subject,
Because I have been sorely hurt, abused and all that griefy stuff from an Alcoholic man.

But personally I'd get away from any Alcoholics if at all possible.
It's a constant battle, that never truly gets better.

It sounds like you truly love your wife and it sounds like your wife does want to get
Better (many alcoholics never try or want to change and it sounds as if she keeps trying and doesn't give up) that is a good sign. You have to decide- has she done horrible things- or has she made a mistake? A relapse is a mistake- albeit a painful one for all involved- and it sounds like right now you are not asking so much about what to do with her (likely she knows what she needs to do different and has probably told you if you have talked about it- for example AA and/or other things that she has found in the past that help her to be strong). It sounds more like you are asking how to deal with the hurt you feel.

It takes a lot of love and strength to forgive. The truth is we all have made mistakes
And someone forgave us. If you truly and sincerely love you're your wife then hopefully
You can find the power to forgive.

There is a saying “time heals all wounds” there is some truth to the saying. When you
Hurt you have to allow time for the healing process to be completed and it doesn’t just
Happen overnight, it takes time. How much time? Until you feel healed.

The time and healing phase is not a time to beat your partner about the head with their
Mistake. If you need to talk about something that is bothering you, create an atmosphere
For open dialogue for you and your spouse- don't ignore it or run away. Communicating about what you feel to your spouse and how this situation has impacted you is important. Do not sit and dwell on the things that bother you- talk so you can work through them - healing from this hurt and not letting yourself relive it all the time is crucial to you moving forward.

The big question, how do you mend the marriage? The decision is ultimately yours to
Make. If you "want" life to get back to normal it can if you take steps to make it that way (ie- don't rehash the problem in your mind constantly, do the things you enjoyed doing together). Take all that you’ve gone through as a learning experience. A marriage is like a long-term stock investment, it’s going to endure some turbulent times, but in the end if it’s a good stock, it’s going to bounce back and chances are you’re going to have MORE after it recovers than you did when you initially invested.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MilitaryMan19D30

Heres the backstory:
My wife and I have been together for awhile and seen the ups and downs etc. I found out about 3 months into the relationship that she was an alcoholic. She'd been lying to me about the amount she consumed until I confronted her. I went through the rehab process with her (Shakes, DTs) and she started to cruise again until she relasped again. She moved back in with her parents and cleaned up for about two years. Eventually we got married and have been so for two years. She hasn't drank until about two weeks ago I caught her and told her I was leaving. I didn't because we have a house and a life together. This is the sterile version leaving out all the good times and love. My question is what should I do besides tell her to go to AA? Should I stay? (I know you can't really answer that) Will this ever get better and change? I'm asking because we don't have kids and I don't want to bring kids into this world to deal with an unstable household. Its not fair. I feel like I'm in a tailspin because I love my wife truly but feel my trust has been shattered.

The alcohol is not the problem it is her attidue, mind, how she thinks, deals with problems, has fun, relieves boredom etc... Alcohol is how she escapes. She must get help, the drinking is her medicine for the real problems that she face's. This may gone on for years, they are never cured from the possiblty of bingeing. With this said it is up to you to decide how much you can tolerate. Work on you. Protect yourself financially. Make no threats that you are not willing to follow through on. We can not change anyone but ourselves. I know the hell that you are going through if that helps and my heart goes out to you and please do not let her ever make you believe that you can cure her or having a child can. Educate yourself on this and get yourself help... then maybe you can help her. Just maybe no guarntees. A is a religon based program... depending on how she feels about religon will determine if this will help her. She really needs some type of theraphy to help her come to terms with her problems and even to begin to understand why she is so intent on destroying herself. :) peace

Thanks for the insightful answers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bushg

The alcohol is not the problem it is her attidue, mind, how she thinks, deals with problems, has fun, relieves boredom etc...Alcohol is how she escapes. She must get help, the drinking is her medicine for the real problems that she face's. This may gone on for years, they are never cured from the possiblty of bingeing. With this said it is up to you to decide how much you can tolerate. Work on you. Protect yourself financialy. Make no threats that you are not willing to follow through on. We can not change anyone but ourselves. I know the hell that you are going through if that helps and my heart goes out to you and please do not let her ever make you believe that you can cure her or having a child can. Educate youself on this and get yourself help...then maybe you can help her. just maybe no guarntees. A A is a religon based program...depending on how she feels about religon will determine if this will help her. She really needs some type of theraphy to help her come to terms with her problems and even to begin to understand why she is so intent on destroying herself. :) peace

Being an addict in recovery, I have to agree with a lot of what is said here. Drinking, drugging, gambling (or whatever the addiction may be) is a symptom of the disease. It is what we addicts do because we are addicts. Figuring out the why and how we became addicts is what needs to be done. AA or any other 12 Step program is an excellent part of being in recovery. It introduces us to the 12 Steps which really truly can be life changing. You learn so much about yourself that you find all areas of your life improving. The 12 Steps can really be a guide how to live your life and how to cope with everyday hurts and joys not only your addiction. Going to meetings is also key to staying clean/sober (in my opinion) because you hear from other people suffering from the same disease. Their stories and their experiences may be different than your own, but the same desperate, self-loathing. Scared, alone feelings could be and very likely are the very same that your wife may have felt at one time (or all the time?) As for AA being a "religious" program - NOT TRUE. It can be if you want it to be of course. But AA and other 12 Step Fellowships are spiritual programs. No where does it say you need to believe in GOD. But you do need to believe in something don't you? And that "something" is entirely up to every person. I pray your wife keeps trying. I know for myself that relapse was a part of my recovery for quite some time. Recovery is a journey. You may also want to check out some recovery for yourself through Al-anon or some kind of support group for yourself. Remember alcoholism/addiction is a family disease and you have been affected as well. Keeping an open mind and talking to others that have been where you are may be very therapeutic and helpful. You are going to want to careful that you are not inadvertently enabling her or berating her and keeping her in a place of shame. Like I said "inadvertently". I don't think we ever mean to hurt those we love but sometimes "not knowing" leads to exactly that. Good luck to you both

Oh my Dear, my heart goes out to you! There is hope. It sounds as though your wife does seek sobriety but is having difficulty with maintaining it.
First you have to realize that alcoholism is a disease - not something she "just does." You know, of course, that she will have to come to that point where she will admit that she has a problem and is willing to seek help. You cannot do it for her.
You can encourage her to seek help and perhaps suggest that she enter an AA program. AA is a great 12-step program that will help the addict understand what is behind his/her addiction and how to begin recovery.
In the meantime, whether she seeks help, you should find an Al-Anon support group for yourself. Here you will find support from others in your situation, learn how to cope, how not to enable and find peace for yourself. I cannot emphasize this enough. Al-Anon literally changed my life. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been drink-free since 1993. Our lives have changed and I am so thankful for Al-Anon helping me to understand the disease and how to cope with it.
Once you understand all the ramifications of the addictive personality, you may decide that you don't want to stay with her, but you will benefit from Al-Anon whatever you decide. Good luck to you both.