Ask Me Help Desk - First Love or Bad Timing

Here Goes:

I meet an amazing girl. Fall in love. It is all magical and we just fit in our own wiered little way. We date for a year, then realize the relationship is requiring a lot of time, and preventing her from the room she needs to finish her last year of high school and decide her future, and me who was struggling with my first year of University. We end it on excellent terms to focus on our lives. We promise to pick things up again as soon as we get the chance and the time is right-- we still see each other everyday, the 5 hour phone calls don't stop for 6 months...

Then her best friend comes out towards her high school graduation...

He starts saying things like he deserves a chance to date her because he waited all this time while she dated me, and he did not want to interfere. (she admits she was not expecting this, and that she thought he had no feelings for her). She told me if she was ready to go into a relationship, then we would pick things up again- now she is saying she wants to date him because: " He has always been there for me, and I need to know what would happend between us." and "Worst case, I know if dating him doesnt work out he will always be there for me as my best friend". Her and I start arguing, because I don't see why she can't fix things with me, and why all this is happening when we promised to get things going with us again..

What worries me is that when we dated everything went so well. And he is romanticizing his friendship with her to pull her in. She says she needs her space and does not want to committ to a full-on relationship like what she had with me, and he agrees, yet I know that is all he wants with her.

I am well aware that their friendship is quite something... that is what really scares me. She gets angry at me whenever I say, I can't stick and be her friend while she dates him. She thinks I am deserting her and she still tells me that she is unsure what will happen between him and her, yet she is still wants that second chance with me. Then she goes on about how she loves both of us and knows that at the end of the day her and I had something exceptional. I said she does have to option to date me again, yet her response is that this is just not the right time for her and I, and what he is offering is a casual relationship with someone she can lean on.

What do I do? Stick around even though it hurts me? Forget about her? She is my first love, and now that she is done high school, she is coming to my University(her alone, not her new b/f) where I will undoubtedly run into her.. Even while dating him, she still tells me she can't see herself settling with anyone but me (take it as you like), and she admits she still has feelings for me... And then she threatens me by saying if I abandon her now, I am ruining any chance of us in the future...

Let me get this straight. She says I want space, and you agree to that, and this came out of the blue. Then he says he wants her, and she acts as though she is blindsided by this. Then she says I will date him, but nothing serious and I would like you to be my back-up and catch me if I fall. Is this correct?

Man, you have been duped. Almost everyone who says I need space ends up having another person in mind that they want to share that space with. I know you have feelings for her, but what kind of person would ask you to wait for her if it doesn't work out. You are both young, and she wants to experience the joys of dating. That happens, and is very normal. You are both too young to be committed to a serious relationship! You are not turning your back on her, I don't care what she says. You need to stick to your guns! Would she wait for you if the scenario was reversed? Probably not, it is over and you need to let her know that. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

Too add-on: My biggest fear is that I move away and forget about her for my own good and well being, and that we grow apart and something as great as what we had dies with time for no good reason... She is EXTREMELY stubborn, and she will be spiteful towards me for walking away from her(though I am sure it will wear off)... its almost as if she wants me around for when she is ready. But what happens if she finds something great with her best friend? I don't see it working as well as her and I but who knows?

Since I found out about her and him, I have already said I am gone... she acts angry but she knows I love her too much to move on... and she is right, since I wind up calling her about 2 days after I say I never want to see her again... /sigh

Move on. I know that is easy for me to say, I am not in your shoes, but I have been in your shoes, so I say, move on. Let her have 40 acres of space. Let her go and explore her world; the friend who shows up and "blindsides" her, her feelings for you, etc. She just graduated from high school. Who can be expected to be pinned down for a life decision at that age? You spend 12 years in a system that you absolutely know what is coming and what is expected. So when you graduate high school, it is really like life is starting anew.

Give her the space she says she needs but do not forget to give yourself the same space. You must have adventures waiting for you too. In the meantime, establish a very strict policy for yourself about NO contact with her. No calling, no texting, no seeing her. Honest. When you allow her to come in and out of your life, it only messes you up. Because you think there is still something there.

She wants you to be her base and to be able to land there again, should things go wrong. Don't allow that to happen to yourself. That is like living in limbo. You never get out, you never grow up, and never experience your own life to the fullest. Because you are waiting and waiting and waiting. Please, do not do that to yourself.

Are you done with high school? What are your plans? What do you want to explore in life? Is college in line for you or a tech school or working for awhile? What activities do you participate in? Do you volunteer at all? Do you have hobbies? Do you belong to any organizations? Are you busy? One of the best ways to stay busy and not dwell on this girl is to get involved in life. Every opportunity is an open door that can lead to some great learning and fun.

I sincerely hope you take care of yourself first. Respect yourself enough to not hang around and wait for this girl. She is not waiting for you.

Good luck.

You just got a life lesson in women. She didn't dump you because she didn't have the time. She dumped you because she had another guy, and it was him. She kept you around for awhile as a back up plan, as someone she could dump all her problems on. He doesn't put up with that. He doesn't talk to her for 5 hours a night. That's your role and one that you did well until you started making waves and making her choose between the two of you. Then she did choose and it wasn't you. What she's telling you are just lies to protect your feelings but you gave so much and she gave nothing in return so now you left confused. She's gone, she was gone long ago she just neglected to mention it to you.

Thanks for the great advice. One thing to keep in mind is this best friend is more of a chump than I am. I was always there for her- true, but our time dating was fun and eventful... he is the quiet guy who can listen to her for even LONGER than me, but to quote her friends... all he does is listen( I have hung with him on a few occassions--verrrrry simple and lifeless), and right now she needs that comfort and someone who will listen to her.

She even b%$@*ed to him about us when we were dating, and he sat there and took it. In a recent conversation she admitted right now she has fears of us dating because she doesn't have the energy to go full force with me, and that he is someone who will be there for her, and is passive enough to leave room for her to live her life. She is a total Alpha female, and he is quickly turning into her puppy.

Anyway, I am done- as hard as it will be its time to get life sorted out. I don't think I'm going to bother rebounding or looking for another relationship... Im just going to go grab life by the horns and be a new man when the next one comes about.

Yes, lesson learned , move on.

If you are really in love, no you don't have to take time, you merely see each other when you can, one can date while in school, but just have to take time for it properly.

It can be assumed that if she would date someone else, then she is not having those feelings toward you, ( she could not) so move on.

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she was gone long ago she just neglected to mention it to you.

I think you already felt this and just wanted to hear it from others. You have better things ahead, to be stuck on her.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you already felt this and just wanted to hear it from others. You have better things ahead, to be stuck on her.

Well I had to spread it, but I think deep down we all know when it's over but we just don't want to face it. Sometimes it's good to hear it from others to verify what your thinking is what others would think in the situation. After having just read his update I agree that he probably knew but just didn't want to make a mistake.