Ask Me Help Desk - Loss of my twins

I want to know how should I feel about losing my twins, I was 4 1/2 months when it happened they were born too early. My question is I don't know if I was griveing like I should have because my boyfriend took it way harder and everyone around my says there sorry and I really don't think about them like I should I only get sad when I think about them and when I see a pregnant woman am I wrong for feeling like this do I need help? I know everyone takes a loss and handles it differently but I want to know is this normal.

My dear, there are many stages of grief and no there is nothing wrong with you; you should not ask 'is this normal' but 'what is normal'. There is no clear cut answer because we all grieve differently. You are doing it at your own pace, which is good. Some people get through the hard part right away, others take their own time. I took my time and got through the difficult part, after my mom died, way beyond anyone else. If you would feel better, perhaps you should go to a grief counsellor and I am sure they have one at the hospital you attended with your twins.

1. You may still be in shock... it takes longer for some people to start the grieving process than others. 2. not too sound mean... but some people believe that if you loose them it is God's will... maybe u feel that way. 3. Maybe you had not fully bonded with them yet. 4. You can not judge your grief by your boyfriends... this is not fair to you. 4. Allow yourself the right to feel like you feel without judging yourself. I hope this helps

I agree with the above posters. Do not compare your grief to anyone else's. Allow yourself to feel whatever sadness you feel. Pain cannot be avoided. You must go through it in order to get through it. Best of luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jameiewilson123

I want to know how should i feel about losing my twins, I was 4 1/2 months when it happened they were born too early. my question is I don't know if i was griveing like i should have because my boyfriend took it way harder and everyone around my says there sorry and i really dont think about them like i should i only get sad when i think about them and when i see a pregnant woman am i wrong for feeling like this do i need help? i know everyone takes a loss and handles it differently but i want to know is this normal.

I lost a baby girl I was 4 1/2 months I was of course sad but I did not grieve as I did when I lost my sister (which was years earlier). I know there is no 'normal' way to grieve but I felt guilty that I did not grieve as I thought I should have. As I think back, I believe that it was not meant to be, which is certainly sad but I have realised that I have accepted that too. My close friend who very recently lost her unborn baby was devastated as was her husband, so from personal experience people really do react in very different ways. If you feel ready to comfort your partner as I did then there is nothing wrong with that. I am sure if you ever did feel you wanted to grieve he would be there for you at that time. Good luck

You know, we aren't all wired the same emotionally and pregnancy is kind of a weird experience anyway. Your miscarriage was fairly early on, just when you would be starting to show, and for a lot of women it doesn't even feel real at that point. The feeling of connection can build at different times for different women. Honor how others have felt, but also honor how you have felt as perfectly acceptable and adequate. As the mother of the babies, it's entirely possible that without even realizing it, you knew the pregnancy was not going to succeed. Our bodies are so complicated, and forget about trying to make sense of emotions. Just take care of yourself, and move on, accepting that your feelings are legitimate and are appropropriate.

I lost my twins and in some way I know how you feel,

The first baby was lost very early on at 10 weeks or so they thought, I knew the dates didn't add up to how far pregnant I was but they insisted I was wrong, the sac was left inside of me and I was bleeding every day during my pregnancy , I tried to be strong for the baby I was carrying at the same time not knowing what to think about the first baby, I didn't know weather I should be effected or not as I had to pretend things were normal, they kept telling me I was bieng paranoid at the hospital as I was bleeding and in severe pain for months... I often wished I had never been pregnant in the first place and then in the end hated myself for thinking this when I was as apparently thought 18 weeks pregnant I lost my baby , alone at 1 am in the morning, I didn't know what to do and was in severe shock, for a long time after I didn't know how I was suppost to react , I was very upset but scared to show my feelings, the parnter didn't care one bit and said we could always try for another (this was at 6 am in the hospital with my baby still attached to me) he told me to get over it and get out of the hospital as he didn't have time to watch the kids he needed to go to work...

The hospital then told me that I was 24 weeks pregnant and not 18 as they thought (which added up to my dates exactly) they refused to say the mistake had been their fault and that they could have tried to save the baby...

It hit me hard after the funeral (which took them 4 month to get around to organising as my papers said I was 18 weeks nobody would give me a death certificate) I had to have my baby bueried in a hospital grave because of this and when I turned up at the cemetry one day walked in to find them burying a baby in the same hole, to this day there are 9 plus babies all in the same hole, I am really gutted about it,

I couldn't cry in front of anybody or show my feelings,

I refused to accept the loss of my baby upuntil the day of the funeral and then it hit me, and gosh did it hit me hard, I was in a right mess but still had to hide it from my family,

As soon as I mentioned it everybody shut up , or walked away or changed the subject.. this I found the most hard, it is like he didn't exist at all to any of them because he wasn't here...

However emotionally we all have different way of feeling this grief some feel it some don't, we all have to get on with our lives..

If you have accepted the death of your baby or even if you haven't you are normal to act this way, if this is how you feel and you only get upset when you see a pregnant woman then this is normal for you, you show your grief when you see somebody pregnant ,
A lot of people only get upset when they really sit and think, other wise there are many hours of the day and you all have things to do that keep you occupied and stop you from thinking , this is how I went through a lot of my pregnancy... was by pre occupying myself with other things, this didn't give me time to think or get upset... to focus on something was to stop me thinking of the other baby...

That was until I lost the other twin then I started to blame the other baby for it.. stupid I know.. but if the sac hadn't have remained inside me the other twin would still be alive, the hospital never told me of the dangers the sac could cause and if they had I could have prepared myself

You are very normal and I guarantee their will be many others that act the same as you and feel the same as you, if it is what you feel inside then don't let society dictate to you how you should or should not act or what you should or should not feel, only you can decide that, you need to do and feel what is best for you!

No one can tell you how to grieve, its something you have to do on your own, I personally think figuring out how to grieve is the biggest part of grieing. I lost a baby when I was 16 I was 3 months pregnant, and it broke my heart every time someone said they were sorry, or like you said, when I seen a pregnant women. But that is natural, everyone's body and mind find ways of grieving.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jameiewilson123

I want to know how should i feel about losing my twins, I was 4 1/2 months when it happened they were born too early. my question is I don't know if i was griveing like i should have because my boyfriend took it way harder and everyone around my says there sorry and i really dont think about them like i should i only get sad when i think about them and when i see a pregnant woman am i wrong for feeling like this do i need help? i know everyone takes a loss and handles it differently but i want to know is this normal.

I do not know if you have other children, however, for me I didn't really bond until I felt the baby move... I loved them don't get me wrong but the relationship of a mom is very special and grows during the conception and oninto eternity...
I also lost two bablies one at 2mos and the other at 3mos, I felt I lost the potential life... because I was entertaining the idea, I knew I was pregnant, but did not feel the same a I did when the life in me first moved and it was in that quickening that something clicked in me and awoke a maternal feeling in me, which exploed at the birth.
I hope that is helpful, I am sorry for your loss... God Bless

First off, you are feeling how you should feel. Just because someone else's feeling are different doesn't make your feeling wrong. I had four miscarriages, one before each of my living children, it wasn't until the last one that I actuall said, man that was really crappy. I was also 4 1/2 months along with the last miscarriage. Some people are just more emoptional that you or I are. My husband for one was so sad with all of them, he cried at the birth of our four children, and I didn't. That is just how it is. Feel how you feel honey, it will all be OK. Go and be happy, with lot's of love in your heart! Good luck.

Well, I never experienced such tragedy or heartbreak as you, or Start. I didn't know that someone as positive as Start had been through that. WOW, you amaze me every single day on here. I don't think there is any right way to grieve a death, there is only your way of being true to yourself and your emotions. I truly believe that it touches all of us in such a unique way, as we are all unique and special human beings. Your sadness isn't any less real, because it is expressed differently than those around you. As long as you find an outlet for your emotions and you allow yourself to express them, that is really the only way to be true them. YOu are a resilient person and I wish I had the right words to express my sympathy for the loss of your beautiful babies. I don't know how anyone goes on, but somehow life makes you. Just remember that you will be with them again one day and until then they are your beautiful angels. I know that isn't so comforting when you wish they were here. May God's love and strength surround you and give you some comfort.

As you said, everyone copes with loss differently. It's not a question of right, wrong or normal. If you ever feel the need you can get in touch with a counselor or support group.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jameiewilson123

I want to know how should i feel about losing my twins, I was 4 1/2 months when it happened they were born too early. my question is I don't know if i was griveing like i should have because my boyfriend took it way harder and everyone around my says there sorry and i really dont think about them like i should i only get sad when i think about them and when i see a pregnant woman am i wrong for feeling like this do i need help? i know everyone takes a loss and handles it differently but i want to know is this normal.

I am really sorry to hear about your loss.I lost my baby when I was 19 weeks pregnant, that was 6 weeks ago.I cry every time I see someone pregnant.my partner says I need to talk to someone but I wouldn't know what to say.I have a little book that I write in so when I am feeling sad I write like I am talking to my little baby boy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by triggerdave

i am really sorry to hear about your loss.i lost my baby when i was 19 weeks pregnant, that was 6 weeks ago.i cry every time i see someone pregnant.my partner says i need to talk to someone but i wouldnt know what to say.i have a little book that i write in so when i am feeling sad i write like i am talking to my little baby boy.

Hello Triggerdave,
The book idea is a great healing tool. I lost twins on February 12th at 24 weeks gestation. I found that writing to them helped me so much. Also after a couple of months I sat and read it and it was such an encouragment to see just how much better I had been as time went on, I can actually see parts of my old self coming back slowly. Not saying that this will be the same for you but even now it hurts when I see babies and pregnant ladies but I have just learnt to deal with it better. I don't think you actually ever get over it.
I wish you all the strength in the world.
JACKGRACIE

People grieve in different ways, so you cannot go by how someone else is grieving. It maybe that months from now this hits you like a ton of bricks and if it does, you go right a head and grieve.
I'm sorry for you loss. I have lost 3 myself and with each one it was different.
I wish you wellness and peace.