I'm 21 an been in a somewhat good relationship for about three years. We've been engadged for about most of the three years. In the past I wasn't a very good person. Due to all the hurt I was given by my parent's and ex's and even friends who I thought cared, it made me weak, mean and not a good person. I used to lie a lot about things. More then a year ago I talked to people on IM's and got to know guys. I talked to them and went as far as having them call me. I really don't know what I was thinking at that time. But I got caught and my fiancé wasn't happy. But I appologized because I loved him and wasn't sure why I was being this way. So I stopped talking to people. All was fine until we moved into our first home together a year ago. I started playing an oneline game and people would be nice to me and I met guys once again. And once again I talked to them. Acting like I cared for them. One night I texted the one guy that I had no feeling for that I loved him. Which makes me sick thinking about it. My fiancé took my cell without my knowing and saw what I wrote. He was very hurt. For a few days, I thought about why I'd do these things to someone I loved. Was it because I deep down didn't feel he care enough? Give me enough time? I still don't know. But I never thought I'd hurt him sooo much as to possibly lose him for good. He was going to leave me, and I begged him to not. I did love him. But I finally realized I needed to make some changes in life and I was hopng he'd help me. He took me back and for a month things were really hard. I had to sleep alone and I had no one to talk to. But we made it. We still are together, and we are happy most of the time. Don't get the wrong ideas though, I've never slept with anyone BUT my fiancé. So sleeping around wasn't part of this equasion.

The thing I'm trying to say is, I was forgiven by him and I have NOT done wrong for about a year and going strong. BUT I still think about what I did in the past and just last night almost was crying about it. Maybe I haven't forgiven myself for what I did? How can I make myself move on? I don't want my past to haunt me the rest of our lives together. I feel like crying about it right now, it make me so sick I sort of want to hurt myself. But why? Why do I still feel pain about this? It's been fine for a year or more, but of late I've been thinking about my old self and the self I'm sick of. Please help me if you can. Thank you.

The simple but toughest answer
1 Try to busy yourself with any sort of work
2 Try to figure out cause of problem and discuss with your fiancé
3 Don't yell over net or friends about your issues rather talk to your fiancé, if you are true
To him, he will forgive you and you may find yourself in a better position.
4 Carefully think whether the answer I gave u suits you best or not
Hope this will help you
BYE :-)

Hi Rayne,

Boy you sure are putting yourself through some hard times. Sometimes I think, those that had it so rough growing up, so difficult, when they become young adults themselves, and find happiness, it is such a foreign concept, it makes the feel so uncomfortable and subconciously try and sabotage their very own happiness. Why? Why would one do this?
Maybe, because they have been beaten down so much, they feel they don't deserve the happiness that has finally come to them.

Rayne, you have to start building up your internal self esteem. How to do that? I would think seek someone to talk to. Someone that can give you some loving advice. Probably a professional would be best.

All I know is, as I have told you the other day, is you are so incredibly special, you have to find a way to look in the mirror and see what I see looking back.

Please never even hint about hurting yourself. I know you don't mean it and wouldn't, but it upsets me. And we can not upset Allheart, can we :).

Hugs to you Rayne. Good for you for writing this and beginning the cleansing process.

My best to you. Sending good thoughts.

Allheart

I have a very very bad past, and sometimes my past haunts me for weeks. Im a born again christian now and the only way I get through the hard times is when I surrender problems to Jesus, he knows best.

Hello Rayne,

First - It is your fear of going back to the old person or doing the things from the past I think has got you scared. Could be wrong, but I also think you keep going over this and bringing the past up in your mind because you feel you do not deserve to be happy, but this is further from the truth.

Second - You never slept with anybody. It was more of an emotional void that you were trying to fill at the time. That was the way you were able to handle it back then but it is not terrible.

Third - You need to learn to forgive yourself for the past and believe me when I say that majority of people have made some real big mistakes in the past but what the most important thing about mistakes is that you learn from them.

Fourth - You learned from it. You were brought out from your boyfriend, now fiancé. He has forgiven you for it. Now you need to forgive yourself.
All your doing about bringing the past up again is hurting yourself and hurting your future with your fiancé.

Fifth - Leave the past in the past. The only way to learn how to do that is to change your way of thinking. Look at things differently.
First of all, what you did. You learned from it. You figured out why you were doing it. It was brought out in the open. You stopped doing it. You know that mistakes are lessons in life we learn and as long as we do not keep making the same mistakes then it is okay.

Sixth - You need to look at all your experiences as learning experiences. Shaping who you are today. Mistakes made in the past, now making you a better person for today. Life, is a school in process and we are all going through it to be better people.

Do not live in the past or you will not be able to move forward. Do not worry about the future because it is not here yet. Always live for today. Today is the only day that is important.

Best wishes to you and yours and remember that it is okay to think about the past but not to dwell on it or make it more important today, when today is not about the past.

Joe

Dear one, know that the universe we live in holds nothing against us, ever. We have unconditional love and acceptance from the universe, God, Krishna, Divine Spirit, Reality - whatever you decide to call it. Just know that you are safe and that all is forgiven, right here, right now. No matter what you have done in the past - you, your very being - remains whole, perfect and complete. A divine and loving spirit in truth, in goodness, is yours at this very minute. There is a part of you that will never be tarnished, never be hurt, or degraded in any way, no matter what has happened. Know that you are learning and changing. You are evolving every day, to be and do better as you recognize the truth of your being.

Try this one day - sit outside in the night sky and see all the stars and darkness - the moon in all its glory - see how vast and beautiful the sky at night is - and know that it holds nothing against you. Not now, not ever. Know that you are accepted by the very universe that we live in, forever. Bless you.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Hello Rayne,

First - It is your fear of going back to the old person or doing the things from the past I think has got you scared. Could be wrong, but I also think you keep going over this and bringing the past up in your mind because you feel you do not deserve to be happy, but this is further from the truth.

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Well I think of late I've been thinking of what I did more. I was having werid dreams there for a few days so that could have triggered it for some dumb reason. Also when my fiancé get's upset with me it makes me think about the wrongs I've done and then I get feeling all bad and stuff. It's not that I want to go back to doing it, I just keep remembering and I don't want to, it makes me sick.