I met and befriended a guy during my first year of college. We grew close and he ended up living with me and two other girls as my roommate. Throughout the duration of our time together, we've had a platonic relationship with maybe a few drunken kisses and cuddling sessions, even though I've been harboring romantic feelings for him despite his short-lived relationship with a friend of mine. After it crashed and burned, and I told my girlfriend about my feelings about him, I started to be optmistic about our relationship developing into something more.
As the year went on, he'd spend most of his time with me, constantly telling me how he's closer to me than any one he's met at school. But then, when he decided he was going to drop out of school, I started to question the stability of our friendship, yet alone ever having a romantic future with him. Now that we are not in school, he lives twenty minutes away from me, and despite his promise that we would communicate and still spend time together, I feel that he has been pushing me away. While I was living with him, I've seen him treat other girls like this, including my girlfriend and his ex-girlfriend from back at home. I'm moving away from the state in less than a week, and he will be moving to a different state in three months, and I just want to spend time with him. When telling him this, he told me that our friendship was no longer convienent for us to be the way we were and that he has plenty of friends that he doesn't talk to that often, that he still calls his friends, and then proceeded to tell me that he'd always love me and still be my friend.
Him telling me this also makes me wonder if he's pushing me away because of my romantic feelings towards him, because we've had many conversations about what would happen when we weren't living together anymore to our friendship, and he sang a very different tune before he knew that I had romantic feelings towards him.
And now I'm struggling with the fact that not only do I NOT want to be just friends with him, on top of that he's being an awful friend to me now that he knows this. He knows of my romantic feelings for him, and always has known, but due to recent events I've finally accepted that I can no longer just be his friend. I want to get over him desperately, and stop caring about him. But how can I detach myself from someone when he's the first person I've ever had true deep feelings for? It it wrong for me to want all or nothing from him, despite the fact I can not fathom my life without him in it in some way or another. Why can't I just get him to say he doesn't feel the same and have things go back to way they were? How can I tell him this without it being an attack? And how can I get him to stop pushing me away!
Sorry for the long post, I've been fuming over this for the past YEAR of my life.

dang girl... well, from what I see you guys are friends. If you want answers answered, it's soon to be too late. I mean you leave in a week, and he's gone in a few months. You better just write them down and straight up ask him everything, and make him answer. If he values your friendship he will answer (although he may not be happy getting put on the spot, we guys get a little unhappy about that), and stay there for the grilling, if he doesn't value your friendship he may leave or answer your questions to that effect.
whichever way it goes, just be happy to be young and have a lot of time left in your life. If it doesn't work out, thenmove on and find a new guy, or just stay off the market for a while and concentrate on your school. Good luck.

Aw, I feel for you so much. I'm dealing with some similar feelings although in my case I've known my friend for a much shorter time than you. It's such a terrible feeling to know that you care about this person so much even though sometimes it feels like you shouldn't because they're mistreating you.
I would suggest writing a letter if you really want to get through to him. Stay away from the romance topic, just emphasize how much your mutual friendship means to you and say that you'd be happy to discuss openly with him anything, and you won't get angry at him if he's honest with you. I think that's the best you can do. That way you show that you're open to communication and you want to keep up the friendship, but you leave the ball in his court.
I don't know if that's a standard way of dealing with these things, but it's the only thing I can think of that might be appropriate. You're in a tough situation. But I think the only way your going to get over him is to either not contact him completely, in which case you'll either a) be friends with him later or lose the friendship, which I know you don't want or b) Get him to stop with the distancing thing and actually talk to you honestly until your friendship gets back to normal. The second has happened to me before, except I was the person turning the friend down. I felt pretty squeamish right after I found out, but he talked to me and reassured me that he was OK being friends and after a while it returned to normal for the most part.
Anyway, feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss more.

Ok, let me give you an insight into this because I had gone through this and know what you're going through... HORRIBLE SITUATION... I must say. No matter how hard you'll try, at this point you will not get the answer from him. He wouldn't want to give any explanations, no confrontation (which he's going to abhor) and on top of that you would be made to feel all ridiculous about yourself... still I suggest be bold, be mentally prepared for any kind of bull he's going to give and shoot an email of how you feel and that you would be willing to be his friend if he respects you... say that in the email and also that you would wish him well always... with this note... back off a little... it's true you have feelings for him but hey, he's not there to respect them.. so? Be strong... stop contacting him for awhile except a few hi's here and there... if he becomes interested again(most likely he will because you would have backed out), go slow... don't harbour false hopes, don't let anyone ruin your entire being... Remember you're precious for yourself... think about it in bigger perspective...

I'm going to see him tomorrow for lunch, and I'm taking all this advice to heart. I think it's time for me to definitely back off.

So yes... Update...
I'm completely fed up with this guy. After saying we were going to meet for lunch and all, he forgets of course, and then doesn't pick up my phone calls for two days. When he finally picks up the phone the night before I left the State, he explained how he forgot that we were supposed to meet me, and how he couldn't come see me before I left because he didn't have any gas, and it wouldn't help the situation, (by this point I was hysterical). I don't know with him anymore. Even after telling him how I feel about him, even after me telling him I don't like how he's pushing me away, he continues to do it. I've officially decided to back off with his friendship period because I can't think of any other options and I don't even want to have a conversation like the last one I had with him ever again, so talking to him again is out of the question. Does anybody have any other suggestions?
How can you stay friends with someone who's idea of a friend is so different from yours?

I think you just have to back off and let him come to you if he's going to. You can't control whether he wants to be a good friend to you or a friend at all. This has happened to me before with a close friend (not the one I was talking about before). She kept flaking out on me and even apologizing for it (I'm sorry I've been such a bad friend lately) and I was like OK, what are you going to do about it. Eventually I just had to let go and realize that I was caring about this more than she was and that she was going to treat me how she wanted to. And after I stopped caring so much, she started reaching out to me more and proved what a good friend she was.
I know it hurts and he's being lame. And its hard to hear stuff like "he's not worth your time and energy". But if he's going to treat you like this, its true, he's not worth the amount of energy your putting into the relationship, so back it down a notch. The more you say "I don't want you to push me away" the more freaked out he'll be and the more he'll push you away.

You couldn't make it as friends, and never will. So I guess that cancels trying to move to the next level, as that's really what you want. It Ain't working and your leaving so look ahead, not back. Be honest you just wanted him to keep in contact, and he has other ideas, it happens so don't trip, just move on.

I must say I disagree with Talaniman (but the little agree/disagree button isn't working for my computer). You obviously already *were* good friends so I wouldn't say you 100% for sure are never going to be friends again. He may realize that you were a good friend to him and contact you sometime, but he may not, so just try not to set any expectations on him, to his face or in your own mind. Let things be what they're going to be. And just try to do things that will make you happy and concentrate on the people you can count on.

Friends don't send each other through all those changes, and over the course of life you'll see the difference between a friend and some one you are friendly with. Her feelings for more than friendship will end in a lot of hurt feelings as he is not interested in a relationship. So sveltskye, our disagreement is mutual and my disagree button does work, but since I didn't want to give you a reddie without cause I thought it better to explain my post and its okay if you disagree and I am glad you let me know.

Honestly, if two people have slept together, can never just remain "friends"... try hard on it you'll rarely succeed. Secondly, u must realize that if any relationship is draining your energy, then it's not worth it... at the momen, he sure is not interested... and why should you be interested in someone who thinks nothing of you? Do you not hv your own self worth? The more you're going to bother yourself 'bout it, more this guy's going to run away from you... relax and breathe easy... shut him out of your system for sometime... sip a cup of coffee, read a book or simply look at the bare sky... so beautiful... love all of that... life's got more to offer.

On the whole friends/ not friends point, I think you guys are both right in a way. Because to him I think he thinks we'll always be friends, even if he doesn't call me or talk to me. But I don't view that as a good friend. So as far as he's concerned, we're friends. As far as I'm concerned, I've decided not to wait around for him to see that we aren't friends in my eyes right now. (I told him this on the phone, and it came out all wrong. And in retrospect, you should never tell anyone You aren't my friend when they honestly think otherwise.)
And So far, being away from him and basically all my friends is soothing. Because I get phone calls, and emails and messages from people that I realize truly are there for me, and I shouldn't gauge my life or my self-worth on how many times he calls me or asks me to hang out. Yeah, every now and then I get sad about what was and how it's never going to be that way again, but I think only time will make it better. Broken hearts are es.