I'm at my wits end.
A year ago I discovered that my husband was having a 3 month long affair with a woman at the post office that he goes to frequently. I found out through phone records. He said he was going to tell me, just that he hadn't found the right time yet. He wanted to break it off with her first. Ok, well whatever. He didn't even break it off with her right away. It lasted another month (behind my back) all the while him telling me how bad he felt and nearly begging me to stay. He said he couldn't believe that he did something like that. He said he's always set a high moral standard for himself and he's learned from his mistake.
So a year has gone by, and I still feel like it was yesterday. I remember one night while I was so distraught, that I drank way too much and we got in to it and I went in to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and said "you've killed me already so I might as well die" and proceeded to cut my wrist. 10 stitches later I found myself at home just moping around not believing what I had done. I laid in a makeshift bedroom I made (actually a large closet) for nearly 3 weeks barely eating and I think suffering from post traumatic stress.
So that's the history on my story.
My real problem now is that I stayed. Even though he won't communicate with me and let me know what was going on in his head at the time and why he did it. All he says is that I made him feel like crap most of the time. Mind you, I'm not going to take the blame for him cheating. If he was feeling so crappy, then he should have sat me down and talked to me. He's landscaper and doesn't work most days in the winter. I would come home from work and nothing would be done. Nothing. So, what was I supposed to do? Keep my frustration bottled up? Of course I was pissed off to come home to a messy house. He doesn't see it that way. I should have done all the housework, cooking and work full time while he did whatever he damn well pleased. Am I being unreasonable?
I can't tell you the amount of arguments we've had since the affair. All because he won't give me the answers that I so desperately need! Why?! Give me the real reason please!! I know there has to be more to it than him saying "I just felt like crap". So now I can't get over the affair and I don't know what to do. I know that I should have left on the spot, but I loved him.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Please?

I can't explain his reason for the affair, but at this point he's acting like he is because he thinks he can get away with it. Consider this - he did everything wrong and yet You slit your wrists! I'm sure you'll be getting a lot of encouragement here along with some very good advice... I wish you all the best of luck! Although my first impression is that you should move on.

First question is did you guys do any kind of counseling. Are you open to counseling is he open to it. Even if he is not open to it and you are. Why not go on your own. I always always recommend counseling as last resort.

If you do not feel that you can get past his betrayel. If you do not think that you can work through this, which I can not blame you. Yet, when communication goes down hill and there is no communication that is when trouble starts and obviously there was problems with communication before this happened. He felt miserable and he was feeling better with somebody else. Do you need to take the blame for it, no. It was his choice, but at the same time many people do things under pressure that they might not normally do.

Now in my own opinion. I would say, if your truly feeling miserable. The trust is not there. You need to get yourself out of this marriage. A separation, a divorce is very much needed for you to be able to move on and be a happier person.

Now the trick here is also to recognize that negatives in this relationship, also the negative reactions you have had and the things you attempted and what you think drove you to make drastic decisions with your life like you did, because honestly this means that you have lots of personal growing for you, yourself. The only way to do that is to get away from this situation and work through things that you need to before jumping in or even wanting to have another relationship.

Hope you make a decision that is better for you and decide to deal with things in a better way.

Joe

You need to get into some sort of therapy NOW! For yourself and if he wants to go, that would be good too, but you need to focus on yourself NOW!!

I have been in your shoes and somedays I am in your shoes still, but I am still with my wonderful husband that I love deeply. What is done is done, NO ONE can change the past, you can only change the present.

After learning of my husband's affair, I went to a therapist and was diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder, so I know how you feel.

I am sorry this has happen to you, but I would not leave my husband if this is his only mistake! Cheating is like a drug and is hard to stop, that is why it took him awhile to stop the affair. It is his fault that he cheated... NOT YOURS!! Just remember that! It is not an easy road ahead of you, but you have to learn to forgive him if you want it to work out! I would look into therapy soon!

Good Luck and God Loves You!

I think our only problem now is non-communication. Maybe other problems will arise after we really do have a sit down and discuss it openly and honestly but I'm still waiting for the day for that to happen. Every time I want to talk about it he says "are we gonna bring this up again?" And I always say "yes, as long as your not telling me anything and not answering my questions and opening up to me, then yes"
And that's why I'm at my wits end. We have tried marriage counseling and that was even before the affair, with no results. We did that twice. He doesn't even open up to the counselors. Feels that it's really none of their business either. He only went because I wanted him to. But after the affair, he's the one who was asking me to go to counseling, and I truthfully don't want to spend the money or the time. I just know we can work it out here at home if he'd only talk about things with me. I just don't know.

That's a very sad situation, I hope you're OK.

As other people said seeing a therapist, and getting out of the marriage is proably a good way to go.

Yes, I'm OK. Thank you. I guess I'm giving up. When I think of all the years that I've tried to have an open honest marriage with him it makes me sad and angry at the same time. It's like I just want to get out of this thing now and be happy for a change. I'm working on 'me' now. Forget what he wants or needs. My needs didn't matter, so neither do his now. This is the thing. He just wants to forget it all, says that he made the biggest mistake of his life, he's learned from it and just wants to put it to rest. Even after I told him last night that "I'm gone", this morning he wakes me up and says 'good morning, I love you'. The gives me a kiss on the forehead and goes off to work. He always acts like things are OK. I can't do that. He's not filling my needs!

I know this is going to sound harsh, but...

You talked about him filling your needs, think... have you really ever filled his needs? Maybe your not being clear to him about your needs? Men and women have two different languages, so you must be very clear!

I think that in his mind he is trying? But from what you say, it sounds like he doesn't care, but I think he is trying, just not the way you want him too.

I questioned my husband to death about his affair and he hated answering the questions, he wasn't smart enough to get out of arms reach, lol. But he did it and it hurt like hell at first, but in the end it helped me heal.

Let him know that you need to know this stuff so you can heal! Leaving should be an absolute last resort!

Good Luck and God Loves You!

Well I have let him know many times over that I need to talk about it. And when I delicately bring the subject up, he just says "oh are we going to go over this again?"
I've told him I need to talk in order to heal... and nothing... so, any more suggestions?

p.s. I've been trying for a year now for him to open up to me and just be honest... nothing.

And believe it or not, leaving was my last resort.

Mediator and counseling. Somebody from the outside looking in will be able to help both of you open up. Now stop being so stubborn which is part of your problem and get into some marriage counseling.

Joe

When people cheat, its all about their needs are not being met, and in there minds its okay to look out for themselves. The truth is they are selfish, and cannot or do not know how to communicate with their partner, and so they take the easy way out. And we all know the emotional storm that wrecks on lives and emotions. If he will not go to counseling with you, you should go yourself and get guided through the process of healing, that you have denied yourself for far to long. Decisions made under duress, or impulse hardly ever work, so make your mental health a priority. This is a process, and in no way a quick fix, so you have to be willing to invest the time. Decisions will be much better once you are on a healing path, and can think clearly and reasonably.

If he won't talk you can't make him and that is too bad, but I agree with talaniman's suggestion above about getting yourself into counseling. I went to counseling by myself, my husband never went with me!

The fact your first reaction was to cut your wrist scares me. And that you literally put yourself away for 3 weeks in a make shift bedroom. Youhurt yourself and hid from him and I bet he didn't even blink. That shows you where his priorities ly, with himself. He can't tell you the reasons because I doubt he can really explain it. When my hubby cheated and badically laid blame on my feet and not knowing any better I took it. The frustration and the anger and the hurt built up to the point I had chest pain. Then one day I literally blew him away. (we separated and managed to get back toeghter) even after the affair, I'd ask him what made him do what he did. His response was it was none of my business. If that didn't wake me up nothing would. So I told him exactly how I felt. How he shamed and made me feel like a tramp in my own bed. That sleeping with his misstress he put me and our son at risk. I didn't care about his excuses anymore but what I was feeling. When he tried to talk, I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to hear his excuses or anything else. I needed to feel better and move on and heal. In doing what I did and making him sit there and listen to me I felt like I had wings and soured. I also told him that I loved him that I forgave him this but if he did it again, we were done and the kids were coming with me.
You can't get over it because it still bothers you. All the pent up hurt and anger are eatting you alive. No matter what his reasons were, to you they will always be excuses. You need to sit him down and tell him how it was for you when you found out not once but the second time. We all have troubles in our marraiages but no one put a gun to his head to have an affair. Which is basically getting sex on the side. I know it hurts and you love him . But you have to put yourself forward and heal too. Counseling as the others mentioned is wonderful. If he doesn't want to go then don't let that stop you. Go for yourself. Its common for cheatting partners to blame the non cheater for their woes. Its how theyu justify why they do it.

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I think our only problem now is non-communication.

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I think this has been a problem for a long time and has gotten worse since no one worked on it.

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But after the affair, he's the one who was asking me to go to counseling, and I truthfully don't want to spend the money.

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So who isn't willing now? Forget the money, this is your life. Now that he is willing, let a counselor show you how to communicate and work together. This may be the only way to get your answers and learn to work together to solve your problems.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I've read every one of them thoroughly and will take your advice. I'm going to counseling, with or without him. I have to work on 'me' and making myself whole again. If he wants to come with me, then good. If not, then I'll keep going to help myself become strong enough so I can make the decisions that I'll be able to live with. Thanks again.