Ask Me Help Desk - Relationship . I need to vent!

I'm back again on here...

So my fiancé and me are having major issues and most of them in my opinion could probably be resolved..

Problems I have with my fiancé.

1.) Last (nearly) 2 months we've seen each other maybe 6-10 days total... We have had very little passion and sex in our relationship in these two months... She claims that by working her two jobs (over 100 hours) that she doesn't have time to always see me and/or the energy for sex... Ok, I understand being tired... I really do, but there comes a point when you should realize you are destroying a relationship by working too much and not giving your partner what they need (to a point at least)... The lack of sex, passion, and desire is really bothering me... I've talked to her about it numerous times and she just gets all pissy at me and says that she is working to pay off her bills so we can have more time together in the future... Ok, that's sweet, but the future won't get here unless the now is in good shape right?? She doesn't seem to understand that...

2.) Our communication (as you can guess from above) is a bit rigid... about 3/4 of the times I talk to her, I get anger or frustration in her voice... It usually is in result of me saying why are things like this, what can we do to fix it, etc...

So out of these two major problems, I have had numerous thoughts and dreams of us ending our relationship and leaving... The problem is that I do love her with all my heart and want to work out these simple (yet she makes complex) issues... I've been trying my hardest and it really is wearing me out... Do I fight the good fight for another month or so (she should be working a bit less and better hours starting this week) or should I just can this relationship? I put a ring on her finger about 4 months ago when things were at a good pace in every aspect of our relationship (not perfect, but good)... I don't want to give up on her, but I don't want to destroy myself...

Thoughts?

Putting a ring on her finger shows commitment and just caning the relationship might just tell her you're not going to be there for her through hard times. Have you tried surprising her to a night of sex instead of the regular routine with the lights off? She might be so sick of working and wouldn't mind something different in her regular schedule. Not so sure what she is like.

Her anger and frustration might be stemming from you not understanding? Yet you have been patient with her.

Let me put it like this... I can't suggest sex without getting her all bothered because I want it... It doesn't matter what kind of sex, place, etc... She's too tired and exhausted because of her work... She thinks I should TOTALLY understand and be able to deal with this... I'm a strong person, but to totally live without sex with your fiancé after a year of regular 2-3 times a week, is ridiculous... She's pushing our relationship to the edge over this and it really makes me mad... Her attitude is not very possitive most the time anyway... I'm so frustrated on this entire ordeal... I've tried being patient, but no matter how hard I try, a few later I usually say something suggestive and then WAM she gets all bothered that I don't understand... How the hell can anyone say that when it takes all of my being to hold back and not reveal that I want her?

I can sense your frustration and I have been in your position. My way around it was just be abstinent and have faith, it's harder said than done. If everything else is going great why let sex get in the way of destroying the relationship. She's doing what she needs to get done and even communicating to you about the future to be there for you.

Except I wasn't patient enough in my situation and gave me a huge heartbreak.

This is terrible and I don't know why you go on like this.. I know that you love her but it seems as though she may have another guy that she is seeing or interested in. You may suggest seeing a conuselor, although she may refuse but this is about all you can do. If you can't sit and talk about it than what is the point! The longer you stay in this relationship the harder and longer it will take to get over her and move on. Do not let her use you, it seems like you are hanging on because you love her but she may not care for you or she's hanging on for a back up plan or for support or something!

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Jeremy4719]I'm back again on here...

I do remember you, and your workoholic female.

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So my fiancé and me are having major issues and most of them in my opinion could probably be resolved..

From where I sit, and what you've written, I wholeheartedly agree.

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Problems I have with my fiancé.

Obviously from your point of view, which I know to be selfish, and biased, and all about you.

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1.) Last (nearly) 2 months we've seen each other maybe 6-10 days total... We have had very little passion and sex in our relationship in these two months... She claims that by working her two jobs (over 100 hours) that she doesn't have time to always see me and/or the energy for sex...

She is right , those are brutal exhausting hours for anyone to work.

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Ok, I understand being tired... I really do, but there comes a point when you should realize you are destroying a relationship by working too much and not giving your partner what they need (to a point at least)... The lack of sex, passion, and desire is really bothering me...

I can understand and feel you pain, and lonelyness too.

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I've talked to her about it numerous times and she just gets all pissy at me and says that she is working to pay off her bills so we can have more time together in the future...

A goal thats worthy, but how come she is doing this alone, when you both should be working together. Seems if you helped with the load, she wouldn't have to work so hard and you'd have more time to rest and enjoy each other more.

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Ok, that's sweet, but the future won't get here unless the now is in good shape right?? She doesn't seem to understand that...

Seems you to don't agree about what's important now. Or the future for that matter.

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2.) Our communication (as you can guess from above) is a bit rigid... about 3/4 of the times I talk to her, I get anger or frustration in her voice... It usually is in result of me saying why are things like this, what can we do to fix it, etc...

Help her work for the future, would be my suggestion.

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So out of these two major problems, I have had numerous thoughts and dreams of us ending our relationship and leaving...

There goes the relationship, your looking for the easy way out.

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The problem is that I do love her with all my heart and want to work out these simple (yet she makes complex) issues...

You mean working them out to your satisfaction? Do you even know what she wants?

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I've been trying my hardest and it really is wearing me out...

It looks from here that she is doing the work and you the complaining. But all that beeyaching is hard work isn't it?

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Do I fight the good fight for another month or so (she should be working a bit less and better hours starting this week) or should I just can this relationship?

If you aren't willing to work together to the benefit of both, why bother? Did you ever think of following her lead, and help her secure a better future for you both?

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I put a ring on her finger about 4 months ago when things were at a good pace in every aspect of our relationship (not perfect, but good)... I don't want to give up on her, but I don't want to destroy myself...

You've already given up for the simple reason you refuse to listen to what she has told you, and aren't busting your butt as she has, for the benefit of the relationship.

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Thoughts?

You better have one good excuse for letting your female do the work, while you beeyatch about your own lousy needs. I bet you aren't even thinking of her needs are you? I would love to hear what she says abut your lazy arse. Do you at least rub her feet, or cook or anything??

Sorry guy as I really can't see you as a good willing long term mate, and I think she will resent you for being selfish while she is trying to build a life. Please tell me why you are not helping get rid of thos bills, so you can have a more secure future?? I am just curious.

Those that cannot work together with their partners, get kicked to the curb.

Everyone, here is my update..

We talked a bit tonight... We both got some of this off her chest... I told her that I won't bother her about much of anything in the passion, sex, or communication departments for the next few weeks while she transitions to a more "normal" 2nd shift... Less hours... More sleep... She & I agree that this will hopefully (and most likely) take care of our recent problems... Thank you for your kind words and help.. I'll keep you updated...

Talaniman...
I think it is funny that you can sit here and say I don't listen to her, or do things for her? You do not know me, you do not know what I do for her. I help her by providing her a place to crash when she can't drive home, I rub her head and play with her hair and help her go to sleep when she can't, I buy her dinner as well as make it on occasion, I take her medicine and soup when she's sick, I give her all the love she could ever want and desire and more... How dare you say I'm selfish for wanting a relationship that is filled with passion and more..

I love this woman with all my heart and would do just about anything for her... Our relationship has had numerous ups and downs, but I'm still here and so is she! I will spend every bit of energy and ounce of love to keep "us"... It may or may not work out, but I can at least say I gave it my all!

You still haven't answered the question of why you aren't bustin' your butt to help pay that debt, that will benefit you as well as her??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You still haven't answered the question of why you aren't bustin' your butt to help pay that debt, that will benefit you as well as her???

1.) She would not ever let me do that.. She is the kind of person that says I made the debt, I pay it...

2.) I have my own debt that I'm trying to pay.

Trust me if I could afford to help her in addition to what I already do, I would... Welcome to 2007 where money doesn't grow on trees! That comes in 2009 ;)

If you love this woman as you say, then please put those earthly needs on the back burner, and do whatever it takes to help and support. Just me, because she won't let you help with her debt, doesn't mean I wouldn't. What you are going through now is not permanent and I have to say you have one strong, independent, dedicated female on your side and I respect her greatly, so if I have come harsh that is only a reflection of the respect I have for a hard working female. AND YOU BETTER TREAT HER RIGHT.

Whens the wedding? Money is the number one reason people divorce. Figure that out, get the passion back, then get married. Otherwise, don't, you'll become a statistic

<<It usually is in result of me saying why are things like this, what can we do to fix it, etc...
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I totelly agree with all Tal says
One other point, sometimes a woman just wants to vent without the guy saying "what can we do to fix it" she just needs to be listened to.

Read the men are from mars on a date book, it could help with some issues you are having, I think a lot of it is to do with communication

How is it I'm being looked at like I don't do anything for her, when I clearly explain what is going on?? She is very stubborn, but I love her... She works too much and that should NOT be my fault.. She needs to make ME a priority in her life, as I make her MY PRIORITY!

How about getting a part time job and help pay her bills? She can quit one of hers and have time to relax & feel sexual energy flowing through her body. I understand where she is coming from, although you are annoyed with the entire situation. I am a full-time student with a full-time job, I am on call 24.7 for work, I am a full-time mom, a house-wife, and a Softball mom. After my 100 hour week I just want to sleep. I know what you are thinking - well they are her bills, but if they are not paid off before you marry her - they are yours too. Sooooo - if you want things to get better in the bedroom than take some of the weight off her shoulders. For women everything is emotional - men it is physical. Help her & I am sure she will help you...

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Originally Posted by klinus1997

How about getting a part time job and help pay her bills? She can quit one of hers and have time to relax & feel sexual energy flowing through her body. I understand where she is coming from, although you are annoyed with the entire situation. I am a full-time student with a full-time job, I am on call 24.7 for work, I am a full-time mom, a house-wife, and a Softball mom. After my 100 hour week I just want to sleep. I know what you are thinking - well they are her bills, but if they are not paid off before you marry her - they are yours too. Sooooo - if you want things to get better in the bedroom than take some of the weight off her shoulders. For women everything is emotional - men it is physical. Help her & I am sure she will help you...

I appreciate your response... I do have a job and I do have numerous bills of my own that I struggle to pay... We are both struggling with our bills...

I do understand what you are saying about helping her, but I have no way of doing any more then I already do... I do as much as I can for her (including trying to buy dinner when I have a few extra bucks)...

IF and I do say IF I had extra money, which I don't, she would not take it... I have had a hard time giving her money back for soemthing she purchased on her credit card (had to be on one card)... I gave her the money and she told me I didn't have it to give, I said that's OK I'll eat really cheap stuff for a bit...

I love this woman, and yes I'm frustrated... I don't think sex is the primary problem, but it is a big one...

The biggest problem really lies in her lack of sleep.

= She's not in a good mood
= We get moody with each other as a result
= I tell her to work less and don't take out your stress on me when I'm being sweet to you
= She tells me she's working to pay her bills
= I say you need to rest, its not healthy, I worry about you... Just pay what you can and don't kill yourself!
= I have to pay these bills
= I say OK, be stubborn and over work yourself and hurt our relationship by not giving "us" the time we need...
= She responds with she needs to pay the bills off because of interest
= I say work a good amount, that is fine, but leave "us" some time... Interest is a pain in the rear, but you can't live your live by working to constantly get out of debt... You will destroy yourself... You work to survive and try to play catch up... You lose things in your life that are important if you over do it... Today's world, you will be in debt, that's life...

The good thing as I've mentioned before is that from this week on, she will be working 2nd shift... Still a good chunk of hours... Her sleep cycle should hopefully get back into a normal swing... I think SLEEP is this ultimate factor in everything..

Thanks for letting me vent... Sometimes its good just to get it off your chest... I think there are some really good people on here, but there also some really nuts and feminist on here that honestly think they know everything... I appreciate those of you that are more down to earth and see things from both sides and not just female or male...

Update:

We (Fiance and self) had a good talk last night when she came over... We both expressed our worries and fears. We then popped open a bottle of red wine and relaxed in each others arms (and she got a short foot rub) while continuing to have a good heartfelt conversation. After a few glasses of wine we decided to make love and it was amazing! It was something that ranked up there with the first month of our relationship. I think that this 2nd shift thing is going to make things OK in the areas I'm worried, and I'm going to try and be more supportive if/when she is worn out... All in all we seem to be (after one day) heading towards our old selves. I know one day doesn't change everything, but it really was the type of day that saved our relationship...

Much Luck Jeremy, you don't know how lucky you are.