Ok, really confused here and I am not sure why it even effects me still so badly (annoyed with that fact actually)

To understand I have to tell a little story:

1. I was a kid in high school, from a small town with a crappy childhood and I fell hard for a guy that absolutely broke my heart when it was all said and done! We dated for about a year and then he went into the armed services. We tried to make it work through a long distance relationship while I was finishing up school but it didn't work. It ended when I found out that he was telling his family we had already broken up and he was living with another woman! I really loved this man and I had given him my whole heart! I knew breaking up with him was already decided for me and that I needed to move on but it was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to move on like it was nothing when I felt like I had died inside!

2. I still have an ache in my heart when I think of him and I am STILL trying to move on like I am OK when I guess I am not! I have dreamt of him 6 or so times every single year for the last 20 and in every single dream Ive ever had I cannot see his face! They are seldom a "romantic" dream, I am usually just looking for him and I cannot fond him ro he is just around the corner - only he never shows up! There has been many times he was in my dreams just before I woke up and I would wake up crying! I have not seen this man since I was 17 years old and he haunts me and it makes me sick!

3. I am so different than I was then and I am sure he is too! WHY does this matter to me still when logic tells me this! What does any of what happened back then have to do with things now? I am a happy, active, successful, married mom that lives life in a way so far removed from my days in that small sad little town!

4. He calls me after all of this time about 2 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. We talked for a little bit and it turns out that he lives about an hour away from me. I asked to see him, not trying to take it where it shouldn't go - just needed to see his face. I thought it could put an end to my dreams. He said he wanted to see me too - and I don't think he has bad intentions either - except he hasn't called me back to set something specific up. I feel like I am that kid who waited around after school for somebody that never showed and it wasn't even a date!

I can't do this anymore but everything I have tried has never made this go away! What do I do now with this feeling? I could call back the number he called me from, but what would I say? Why would it matter? How do I finally walk away?? How can I make him stop haunting my dreams?

Please help.

You can't let go because you didn't have the chance to do it before. So here's your chance to do it now. Call the number he called you from. If he answers or you get the voice mail. Tell him you had a change of heart and do not want to see him. And not to call you anymore. Tell him that he had his chance 20 years ago. And by the way, he can tell that to his parents as well.
Take the bull by the horns and set yourself free.

Your time has come. The only reason he is calling is he is interested. You can now let go, tell him he missed his opportunity with you. I would meet up though I believeyou need to do this. I know when you meet him you will not get the feeling you may be thinking you will get. You will get a feeling of relief aND YOU CAN LET GO. YOU Won't WANT HIM LIKEYOU USEDTO BUT YOU NEED TO SEE HIM. MEET HIM And FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE NOT MISSING. ITS BEEN SO LONG YOU HAVE NOT SEEN HIM AND FEEL IT INSIDE STILL BUT YOU CAN RELEASE THAT WHEN YOU SEE HIM AND YOU WILL TELL YOURSELF I CARRIED THAT FOR SO LONG AND NOW I CAN GO ON YOU HAVE A FAMILY WHO IS THERE FOR YOU THIS GUY DID NOT HAVE YOUR INTERESTS AT HEART. IT WAS HIS LOSS AND THAT IS WHY HE IS CALLING TO TELL YOU HE MADE THE MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE!!


Toooo late brother!!

Are you single is he single? Why not call him, twenty years is a long time, that's nearly my whole life, you are both probably different people maybe you could strike up a friendship maybe more. You really want to live your life as what if? Call him back or just forget about it.

Her post stated that she is a happy, successful, and married mom now.

I'm not so sure seeing him would help you put it to rest. It might just reopen the wounds and set off a whole new round of anguish. It really isn't about him any more anyway. It's more about your crappy childhood and your crushed hope that he would take you away from that. The fact that he hasn't called back may mean that he's having second thoughts about seeing you as well. I'd say if he does call, tell him you've changed your mind and don't want to see him. If not, leave it alone and get some counselling to help you get past the old hurt. Keep in touch and let us know what you decide.

As much as it hurts, seeing him would be the wrong thing to do, as your feelings of rejection, and dashed hopes, are still to close to the surface and they main thing is you have moved on and made a life your happy with. He had his chance and blew it so leave the past where it is and move on with your life. Just so you know you aren't the only one who still has feelings for that long lost love who broke our young heart, but we aren't kids any more and have to deal with our heads, not our heart. Forget him, its you that's kepping those feelings alive.

Go see him! And you will finally reilse how much happier you are now, and make yourself not regret anything he did keep us updated!

Listen.. . You sound like I really nice good person, and you remind me of one of my friends. She had a boyfriend that was the same way, and trust me, if they can't even tell you its over before they move on, then they don't deserve you! You said you where a married mother, MARRIED, you found some one who loves you, and WILL call you back. If he calls you back, I would lay his sh** out! After my friend gave her boyfriend all the hell he gave her, and broke it off with him, she was happy and moved on. Don't let this a** hole make you fill like sh**!

I don't think he will make her feel like I think she will find out what a losser he came out to be, and finally be much more satsified 20 years is a lot, I dotn think she is that dumb to loose her whole family, for this dump guy that's prob lonely and has no one, so gives you a booty call

Unbelievable that someone would hold on to something like this for 20 years. Honestly, I don't think your unresolved issues come from just this guy you dated when you were a kid but also from your "crappy childhood".

I think you really need to re examine your emotional state from your childhood. Maybe in your dreams he is faceless because it represents something more significant than this guy. Whatever it is, you need closure and appreciate the life you have now with your family.

Hi everyone - thank you so much for your response to my question. Ive appreciated them all and they have given me some things to think about.

Yes - I think this IS bigger than just this man and it is rooted in my childhood and everything that happened to me back then. I didn't realize that until the last few weeks when I started to think about all of that, and the reason I changed in the ways I did.
I also agree that I need to seek professional help to sort all of that out, I have an appointment tomorrow.

BUT - Part of "sorting this all out" to me is to still see his face. I think it would do exactly what some of you said it would do - help me to see him as someone different than this faceless man I am endlessly searching for in my dreams. To be honest, in a very childish way it is to make him eat too! I am still a pretty attractive woman and I am confident in myself, he has never seen that side of me because I didn't really know it existed way back then. He was always "Mr popular" and his mother and some of his friends told him he could do better in life without me. I DO hope he has found success and done well in his life, but I know I have also done well and I am proud of the hole I dug myself out of! I am not that insecure little girl that walked around with a chip on her shoulder daring someone to nock it off anymore. I am a better person - I guess I just want him to see that "moma is not always right" and that people that are born into do not always create more when they have an opportunity to change. (I know, a little arrogant - but most cannot fathom the reality I was raised in either)

A couple other comments to your observations:

1. Some of you said he was after a booty call - you may be right and that really bugs me! My booty is not that easy to get into! And yes - I AM a married mom. But that whole concept still doesn't completely make sense to me. If that was all he was after I am sure he could get some "booty" from women that do not share this history with him. Marc (I am sure because some of my old friends that have seen him over the years have told me so) is STILL very good looking. How could this be his only objective?

2. I do appreciate the life I have with my family. I am happy. But with all of that I still have this horrible ache inside, and I still have dreams that happen way to often. I feel like I am haunted by them in a way and it has never stopped. Telling him that I have changed my mind is only going to perpetuate this issue. Moving on with my life without trying to see him, or have some closure has never made him leave my heart or my subconscious.

3. I can't believe this has gone on for 20 years either - like one of you said "unbelievable". But it has, and logic has never made it stop or feel any better. I have to stop it and I don't care if I have to show up on his doorstep to do it! That's exactly what I am prepared to do if I can't get him on the phone!

Ill let you know how it works out. Thanks to all of you - please feel free to add more if your so inclined since it is a "work in progress".

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Originally Posted by libertycs

3. I can't believe this has gone on for 20 years either - like one of you said "unbelievable". But it has, and logic has never made it stop or feel any better. I have to stop it and I dont care if I have to show up on his doorstep to do it! Thats exactly what I am prepared to do if I can't get him on the phone!

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The problem is that showing up on his doorstep WON'T stop it. What it will do is open up a whole new chapter in the saga, and it won't matter whether he pursues you or rejects you again, either way it will make your recovery more complicated and difficult. I can see you're determined to do this, but please wait until you've talked to the counsellor before you do.

If you can't consult your husband, then its not worth it. I think maybe you need a good vent to clear your mind. Can you talk with your husband? You have tripped on this alone for to long, get it out where you can deal with it, in a safe and healthy way.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

If you can't consult your husband, then its not worth it. I think maybe you need a good vent to clear your mind. Can you talk with your husband?? You have tripped on this alone for to long, get it out where you can deal with it, in a safe and healthy way.

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Your right Talaniman - I do need a good vent before I do anything because Ive tripped on this alone for too long. I will wait to do anything until after I talk with the counselor because lord knows I don't want to perpetuate the issue for another second!

No- can't talk to the hubby about everything, Ill stick with objective facts for him vs. my feelings on the subject. He knows Marc called, I am not going to lie to him. I would also tell him if I go through with seeing Marc. I just not going to tell him how much all of this has effected me because he would internalize it and then all of the sudden Marc would be a conversation piece for the next few months in a negative way. It would only add unnecessary energy to the already complicated issue that he doesn't understand. My husband is the kind of guy that is very black and white about these things. In his mind, if I am so effected by this then that means things it does not mean to me. He doesn't know Ive had dreams, he doesn't even really know much about my childhood or what happened in this relationship. Ive always kept these things separate from my life as it is now and try not to go there too often.

Ill get through this - without doing anything crazy. I guess my first step to venting and getting it out was here in these posts. Im really not as nutty as this may seem to all of you, I am just trying to deal with old baggage that has turned a little stinky because I left the lid on too long I guess. I KNOW everything happens for a reason and I am here for a reason. Ill try to learn what is needed so I can be done with this finally. Thanks for listening... (or reading).

:o)

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Originally Posted by libertycs

He doesnt know Ive had dreams, he doesnt even really know much about my childhood or what happened in this relationship. Ive always kept these things separate from my life as it is now and try not to go there too often.

Ill get through this - without doing anything crazy. I guess my first step to venting and getting it out was here in these posts. Im really not as nutty as this may seem to all of you, I am just trying to deal with old baggage that has turned a little stinky because I left the lid on too long I guess.

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Yep, time to open the lid and let the sunshine in. It's all about you and your husband and your future, not about Marc. He was just a bit player in the drama of your unhappy childhood and youth. Get to the bottom of that, and he will recede into insignificance where he belongs.

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He doesn't know Ive had dreams, he doesn't even really know much about my childhood or what happened in this relationship. Ive always kept these things separate from my life as it is now and try not to go there too often.

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Some times my wife just wants to talk her feelings out, and I know to just listen with out comments, and no matter how long she talks I just pay attention, and give her hand a squeeze when she's done, and she feels so much better because she doesn't have to internalise a lot of her bad feelings. I truly suspect you are in dire need of the very same thing, to put those old built up feelings out where you can deal with them. Don't sell your husband short, he may be a big help in you venting those feelings, and trust me it will bring you closer, and you will feel much better. Just tell him you need to talk, and want no comments at all, just vent. It may take quite awhile to get it all out, but we men really don't have anything better to do, now do we.

JUST REMEMBER ONE THING MARC WAS Probably A PLAYER AND HE WAS MORE THAN HAPPY TO TOSS YOU TOO THE SIDE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.yOU HAVE A LOVING HUSBAND WHO STUCK BY YOU AND YOU TALK ABOUT THIS GUY mARC!

Well now I think of it his not worth it, h used you then and you never got over it. Step back for a minute and realise what you are doing! Im changing my mind on this take this guy does not deserve to be able to ring you and see you . I know you want to and I'm not too sure part of me wants to tell you too ring him and tell him he had his chance.

But even better turn up and say listen I came to see you but unfortunately I can only stay for a minute I wanted to see you nut Im more than happy with what I've done stay for two minutes and then say well it as good seeing you . LET IT GO!! HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO EVEN GET MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME. TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE TOO WILLING TO LET PEOPLE IN EASY. YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT DESERVE YOU MEETING THIS GUY THIS IS SHOWING THAT YOU ARE NOT 100% IN LOVE WITH YOUR HUSBAND. I

What should be happening here is when marc ranfgyou should have said No sorry no chance and Hung up!!

Now I now Im thinking straight he through you aeay then don't even let him see you his dying inside of his lost opportunity, leting him see you is only doing wghat you did all hos years ago and what was that aALL HIS WAY AND ON HIS TERMS LOOK WHAT UR DOING HE RINGS AND YOU STILL JUMP ALL THESE YEARS LATER!! WAKE UP

IVE DECIDED Don't SEE HIM!! ITS LONG OVER .

BE HAPPY HE CALLED YOU THIS SHOULD BE ENOUGH CLOSURE FOR YOU HE CALLED YES That's RIGHT YOU GOT WHAT MOST PEOPLE HOPE TO RECEIVE FROM THERE EXS ON HERE A CALL!!

FUNNY THING IS I TELL EVERYONE ON HER NO CONTACT AND WAIT FOR TEM TO CALL That's ALL YOU CAN DO. I ALWAYS SAY NO MATTER WHATTHEY WILL CALL . EXS can't JUST LET IT GO.

GOD DAM I WAS RIGHT AGAIN I SAID THEY ALWAYS CALL NO MATTER WHAT AND YES 20 YEARS BUT HE CALLED... tHE MAC!! WAS RIGHT AGAIN!. HHAHAHA

you need to meet him. Only then you can be clear about your feelings. U really need to meet him. See how he turned out. You said that you are happy so I am assuming that you have a good husband... go meet him and do ask what mede him call you so randomly after such a long time. I've been there and I've done that. And it worked for me... here is your chance to finally get rid of him. Otherwise you'l be thinking about what you missed by not meeting him. And it'l make it worse.