my first love x 20 years ago- broke my heart - tortured dreams - called me 1 week ago
Ok, really confused here and I am not sure why it even effects me still so badly (annoyed with that fact actually)
To understand I have to tell a little story:
1. I was a kid in high school, from a small town with a crappy childhood and I fell hard for a guy that absolutely broke my heart when it was all said and done! We dated for about a year and then he went into the armed services. We tried to make it work through a long distance relationship while I was finishing up school but it didn't work. It ended when I found out that he was telling his family we had already broken up and he was living with another woman! I really loved this man and I had given him my whole heart! I knew breaking up with him was already decided for me and that I needed to move on but it was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to move on like it was nothing when I felt like I had died inside!
2. I still have an ache in my heart when I think of him and I am STILL trying to move on like I am OK when I guess I am not! I have dreamt of him 6 or so times every single year for the last 20 and in every single dream Ive ever had I cannot see his face! They are seldom a "romantic" dream, I am usually just looking for him and I cannot fond him ro he is just around the corner - only he never shows up! There has been many times he was in my dreams just before I woke up and I would wake up crying! I have not seen this man since I was 17 years old and he haunts me and it makes me sick!
3. I am so different than I was then and I am sure he is too! WHY does this matter to me still when logic tells me this! What does any of what happened back then have to do with things now? I am a happy, active, successful, married mom that lives life in a way so far removed from my days in that small sad little town!
4. He calls me after all of this time about 2 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. We talked for a little bit and it turns out that he lives about an hour away from me. I asked to see him, not trying to take it where it shouldn't go - just needed to see his face. I thought it could put an end to my dreams. He said he wanted to see me too - and I don't think he has bad intentions either - except he hasn't called me back to set something specific up. I feel like I am that kid who waited around after school for somebody that never showed and it wasn't even a date!
I can't do this anymore but everything I have tried has never made this go away! What do I do now with this feeling? I could call back the number he called me from, but what would I say? Why would it matter? How do I finally walk away?? How can I make him stop haunting my dreams?
Please help.