I am in a divorce situation in the state of Maryland, and my question is relative to custody. The paragraph in the separation and property settlement agreement is written in such a way that states joint legal custody between the parties with primary residential to wife and reasonable and liberal visitation reserved to me (dad), but it grants final say to my wife in the event of a disagreement.

Isn't this in essence sole legal custody? Doesn't this "final say" invalidate the meaning of the term "joint"? Can they even call it "joint" when one party has the final say?

Other than what I think this means, what does it really entail? Can she take the children out of the country without my consent? Can she decide how much time I am to spend with my children?

Well yes but someone has to, since without someone having final say it can be a mess. Lets say that mom wants her in dance class, she enrolls the child, so dad comes in the next day and takes her out,? See the issue.

So of course in the long run someone has to have a final say or it never really works, unless the couple gets along, but if they got along they would not be getting a divorce.

I would have to agree with your thinking. I hope for your child's sake that all will be well between the two of you and that you will work in the best interest of your child. If that is the case, then there shouldn't be a problem with one parent having "final say". That is not to say that I think that you will be the difficult one, as females are just as likely to be inflexible. From one divorcée to another, please keep your child in mind with any decision that you make. Often times, what is best for the child may not be best for you. I would check with your lawyer about whether your ex has the ability to take your child out of the country. The way that I understand it, in order to get a passport (which everyone needs in order to go to another country), you need both parents' consent. I think the form that has to be filled out requires both parents' signatures. If another signature is not able to be gotten, the person requesting the passport needs to provide proof that the other parent was unable to be found, is dead, etc. Check with a lawyer because I may be wrong on this.

Thanks very much for your input. I agree with you 100% about keeping the children in mind with any decision. Also agree with what is best for the child may not be the best for a parent. I pray to God that I (and hopefully their mom) always watch for our children's best interest. I never in my wildest dreams saw myself in this kind of situation, but nevertheless here I am after 21 years of marriage.

Thanks again and God bless you and your family.

Just remember that if you truly follow through with keeping the children first and foremost in mind, then you will continue to build a strong relationship with your children, regardless of how little time that you have with them. Your children will respect you more for this. If your ex chooses NOT to do the right thing, she runs the risk of ruining whatever relationship she has with them. You need to allow her to do that, as you don't have control over what she thinks or does. I struggle with this all the time, as I try to always take the higher road, but I am often tempted to act in the same manner that my ex does. I pray all of the time for knowledge and strength in order to follow through and make the right decisions for the children. Good luck to you and your family. If you have not signed the settlement agreement yet, read through it VERY carefully. If you do not feel comfortable about even one thing, have questions, etc. don't sign it until you are certain you can live with what is written in paper. Consult with your lawyer at least one more time. You may think that you are saving money now by just signing it, but if anything has to be changed down the road, it will take money to change it. As part of my divorce decree, we are required to see a "parent coach". Could this be an option for you? I would think that at least mediation would be available for checks and balances on the big issues. Remember, don't sweat the small stuff, but do stand up for BIG issues. I hope this helps. Sorry for being so wordy!!

You are not being wordy at all. I appreciate your perspective. And no, I have not signed the agreement yet because I have asked questions about alimony that her attorney has not answered (I don't have my own attorney). The alimony is indefinite as it stands now, and I am questioning things like: what if she finds someone to share expenses with and live together but doesn't remarry, what if she gets a job, etc. Also, the joint custody issue with her having final say has me a bit concerned. I have been re-reading the agreement very carefully, and have found a couple of additional items that do not make sense (to me). For example, I will be (as the only bread winner) paying child support and alimony, but she gets to deduct the children on tax returns,? Anyhow, I don't mean to be wordy myself. Once again, thanks very much for your input.

WHOA!! You do not have your own attorney? That is why you are being taken advantage of. Her attorney is laughing straight in your face and you do not realize it. May I ask why you don't have your own attorney?

If you pay child support, you can deduct that on YOUR taxes.

If she receives alimony, she has to declare that on her taxes as income. I don't know if YOU can deduct alimony on your taxes, but it is worth finding out.

I feel the need to make the following points (it is VERY lengthy, but I feel all is very important):

1. Joint custody is joint decision making on education, religion, health and major decisions in the children's lives. Stipulate in the decree that you want a mediator involved in all issues where an agreement is not met, otherwise, yes, she will be making all of the decisions.
2. YOU NEED TO CONSULT WITH YOUR OWN LAWYER. I can't say this enough. Don't sign anything until you consult with one. Some lawyers may not want to get involved so late in the process, but I woud not sign it until you get your questions answered by some kind of legal professional. I think you are getting a VERY bad deal. Keep in mind that just because you don't have a lawyer does not mean that anyone can force you to sign an agreement that you do not like. At the very least, you have the ability to wear her down by not signing it so that she will ultimately give up on the issues that you have problems with. Stand your ground for the sake of your children.

Based on what you have said, I would make the following changes: (The following information is not intended to be legal advice, just my opinion)

-- Read above about joint custody - There will be disagreements and mediation is a good way to work them out on major things without the need to go back and forth to court. Give in to the little things, such as park district, etc. Remember, when the kids are with you, then you do what is necessary for them and she cannot tell you what you need to do and when. If a park district program Truly interferes with your plans, then you are not obligated to change your plans. Leave mediation to MAJOR life changes (changes in visitation schedule, medical issues, religion issues). The rest should just roll off your back.

-- Put exact days and times for your visitation on paper (i.e. every other weekend starting on what day and time, ending on what day and time; who has them on Christmas 2007, Thanksgiving, etc.) Reasonable time with the children means absolutely NOTHING if it is not spelled out on paper. Put as many specifics on paper as possible. AnyiInterference with visitation is a criminal offense and something that she can be arrested for. If the police are called and the visitation schedule is written out in the divorce decree and she does not honor that, then just show the paper to the officer and they will enforce it. Hopefully it will never come to that, as calling the police on the other parent for anything is very traumatizing to children. Sounds like she and her lawyer want to try and sweep things under the rug by not anwering your questions and by being VERY general in the areas of the settlement agreement that they want and being very specific in the areas that they want.

-- In regard to child tax deduction, if you have more than one child, agree for you to take one child and she take the other child every year. If you have only one child, then agree to trade the deduction every year (you get the deduction on odd years, she gets the deduction on even years).

-- In some cases, you DO NOT HAVE TO pay alimony. That is something that you agree to do. If you agree to do it, then stipulate the amount, when it will end (2-3 years is typical - in Illinois anyway), if she gets remarried then it will stop. You do have more control than you think. If she Truly needs it (has been out of the workforce for a number of years because she was at home taking care of the kids), then she deserves it in order to get back on her feet and back into the workforce. If she has her own, well-established career and does not need what is known as "rehabilitative maintenance", then use that as your argument for not giving her alimony. Just because you were married a long time does not mean that alimony will is an automatic right.

You sound like you are a very giving person and I don't want you to be aken advantage of. Don't be a doormatt!! Remember, knowledge is power, and so far you have not been very powerful because you have not had the knowledge. Get the knowledge by researching and/or speaking with a professional about all of this.

Hope this helps!!

Believe me, I fully understand that researching and learning about this is the only way to go; that explains why I am doing this and have not signed anything yet.

I did see an attorney, a very good one in this field I might add. However, the service costs 5,000 without complications as explained by the attorney. It almost sounds as if there will be complications, and that is what I have a problem with, besides 5,000.00 just as my daughter (the oldest of 3 children) enters college is not good, so I am trying to avoid what might in the long run be inevitable.

I could not agree more about the fact that reasonable time with the children means absolutely NOTHING unless it is spelled out on paper. I like things black or white and not grayish or something in between. Right now the agreement spells it out just like you describe it. Also, I did talk to a mediator, and I think that using one in case of disagreements is the way to go. Hopefully we won't have to resort to this ever, but then again, I tend to be naïve.

As it stands now, I have issues with the joint/sole custody and the alimony paragraphs. The alimony portion really does give the impression that they are trying to sweep a few things under the rug as you said. I don't have an issue paying alimony because she has not worked in a long time and is now 50, so naturally it would be difficult for her to get back into the workforce. Paying it is not what I have questioned. What I did ask was: why indefinite? What if she goes back to work, remarries, etc. The agreement does not address these important items that I need to know about.

Thanks once again! I find it amazing how much you have picked up with the little info I have written.

I thought that your children were younger. Unless the laws in your state are different issues regarding custody usually end when the children reach emancipation (the age of 18). They should be old enough to decide to keep you in their lives. I now understand why you don't want a lawyer and I agree on your rationale. In all fairness, you really don't have a complicated divorce, you just have to iron out some issues. I went through a 2-1/2 year custody battle with my ex, in which he was trying to get sole custody. I had to go through so many psychological tests, examinations and interviews I should have a psychology degree by now! I was awarded residential custody with joint legal custody. I was forced to think of every little thing. That is why I was able to pick up on a lot of things that you did not come out and say. Usually in regard to alimony, it ends when your ex finds employment, but it has to be written down, otherwise it would be indefinitely. I commend you for being an understanding individual and realizing that it will be difficult for her to find employment after being out of the workforce for so long. However, it will not be impossible for her to eventually find employment. There is something called rehabilitative maintenance, in which alimony is given for a specified period (usually 3 years) so that the ex-wife has time to get any training/schooling that she needs in order to gain employment and take care of herself. Remember, you are getting divorced and for the most part, your obligations toward her have ended. It sounds like she is getting a lot out of this. Just make sure that you get something out of it as well by being as specific as possible. If it is not in writing, then it does not exist. Don't sign until you feel more comfortable with everything. If alimony continues indefinitely, then you are only enabling her and not forcing her to get on with her life. Again, I hope that this helps.

Not really. I have two gorgeous boys, 11 and 14, and my beautiful 17 year-old daughter who is now going off to college. And yes, I believe I do not have a complicated divorce. I am trying everything possible to go through this without an attorney. However, my wife became irate when she found out I consulted with an attorney, especially one with very sharp and long claws. This attorney read our settlement agreement and immediately picked up on the joint/sole custody issue and the fact that the alimony was indefinite. In a matter of 30 minutes this attorney told me what I needed to do (in addition to hiring her). Thank God this was a no-charge first visit.

Sounds like you went through something a little more complicated, but I take it that you and your children are doing fine now (I hope).

Thanks again, you have helped me open my eyes wider. I am definitely going to take my time to research and make sure I cover all of my bases as best as I can. The agreement needs to become more black and white!

I'm sorry, I thought that you said that your YOUNGEST was going off to college. I went back and re-read and realized that you said that your OLDEST of three was 17. Yes, you definitely need to get that custody thing worked out because you still have at least another 7 years to have to deal with custody issues. Of course your wife became irate when she learned that you spoke with an attorney because she and her attorney thought that they had you hood-winked. Remember, knowledge is power. Do not feel bad about her anger, as you have every right to be informed. You did not cause it. She is just frustrated because her little plans are not going as she had planned. Isn't it weird how someone you thought you loved and who loved you would stoop so low and try to deceive you? That is the part that I have the hardest time getting over, but I know in time that I will.

My kids and I are taking one day at a time and trying to make the best of our new life.

Good luck to you and your situation. Keep me posted on how things turn out. I think that you are in good hands now and I am sure that everything will turn out well.