My good friends' brother passed away a few days ago, I was with him when he got the news and immediately broke down, and have a couple times since. I don't have a lot of experience in dealing with death, I have never even been to a graveyard funeral, only a couple of memorials. I don't know why or how to explain this, but I feel weird and a bit guilty in grieving, like I'm not the one who's supposed to be this upset and crying, because the family must feel so much more pain... I don't know what to say to my friend, I don't know how to talk to him about how he must be feeling, I'm afraid of bringing things up that will make him feel more pain, or things that might remind him of his brother when he may be trying to focus on something else. I don't know how often I should call or if its appropriate to ask him to do things (hang out, go to the movies, dinner.) I also feel weird because this happened on my birthday... any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

The more you care for your friend, the more you will feel his pain. It's okay. It shows you care and are willing to share in his grief. You also have no reason to feel guilty because I am sure that you also care about your friend's family and what they are feeling and thinking. Again, in slightly different words, the more you care, the more you hurt. I'm glad that you care. It's nice to know that your friend has someone as nice as you to share in his grief.

It's okay to do things with your friend. It's okay to remember his brother and to talk with your friend about his brother. His brother should not be forgotten. Now, is the time to share things about that. The fact that it happened on your birthday can give you good reasons to share with your good friend about his brother when your birthday happens again. Birthdays are a time of remembrance and also of remembering. How sad it would be if we did not remember those who have gone before us. But, we really do need to put most of our concentration on the living and on living, though. In my personal belief, there is nothing that we can do for the dead except make sure that they are remembered for the good things that they did. And, if they were good examples for us to follow in terms of living a full and productive life, then to follow through and follow the good example that they have set for us.

Life goes on. Onward and upward! We need to move on when someone dies. Death is a part of life, as is also the grieving process. Acceptance of that fact can be a real challenge. And, it takes practice to know how to be accepting of death as a reality and how to cope with dealing with it. Now you can say that you have had some experience in working through death and the grieving process. What have you learned by what you have been feeling? It is all a growth process for knowing how to cope with it better the next time that it happens.

I don't know what your personal beliefs about death are, or if you have some kind of faith in a God or something else concerning our existence in this reality that we all face called "life." So, I can only share with you from my personal experience as being a Christian. I'm sure that many things concerning what I believe as a Christian can also be carried over into the beliefs about death and the grieving process of others who don't share my same, specific, Christian beliefs.

A long time ago, when I was in my mid-twenties my father suffered with cancer. For over a year, I watched him go through the process of dying. When I would cry over him and grieve about the suffering that he was going through, the thing that he would say to me was "It's just one of those things." He was so accepting of the fact that he was going to die and be with those who had gone before him. I had never in my life, up until that final year of his life on this earth, told him to his face that I loved him. I knew that I loved him before that. But, it took something like his dying to get me to finally say it. I had learned something from that. No matter how good we all feel, someone could be taken from us without a moments notice. So, ever since then, if I have the chance and it is appropriate, I will tell someone that I love them. You never know, you might not get the chance again.

You have the chances with your friend now to do things with him that will never be forgotten. He will remember how you have cared and been there for him.

One of the things that I do for a living is that I am a professional musician. One of the instruments that I play is the organ for churches. Because of my immaturity at the time of my father's death and my lack of understanding of the whole process, I chose not to play for his funeral. I just couldn't do it. I regretted it at the time, that I wouldn't play. But, now I don't, because I realize that at that time in my life that I didn't really understand or believe, in the Christian sense, all about death and the grieving process.

My mother died about ten years ago. She had Alzheimer's disease. That too, is a dying process. I watched her die and reach the moment of death on that hospital bed. One of the people who came into the hospital room was a woman who had taken care of my mom at a nursing home during my mom's last year on earth. She is very much a Christian in her beliefs. I had been crying in the hospital room waiting for my mother to die. The woman came over to me and whispered in my ear, "The more you care, the more you hurt." I will never forget that. I had learned something and it helped in the growth and understanding in the things that I had already learned about how we will all be together again someday. I played, sang and spoke at my mother's funeral.

You are learning things right now with feeling what your friend is feeling and reaching out and trying to find out the answers to what you have been sharing concerning your feelings above.

Please do what you feel is best with your friend. Go with his flow. Listen to him and continue to feel with him. It's okay. I'm sure that you will be good at it.

Thank you for being a good friend to people.

I hope that this has been helpful to you.

WOW... what a response. Thank you so much for your kind words, you've really made me think and realize quite a bit. I feel so much better now and feel like I know how to be much better of a friend.
I'm glad you are out there... I'm glad you read my post and answered with such heart! Thank you so much, know that I took it to heart as well.

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Originally Posted by rosy_123

my good friends' brother passed away a few days ago, i was with him when he got the news and immediately broke down, and have a couple times since. i don't have a lot of experience in dealing with death, i have never even been to a graveyard funeral, only a couple of memorials. i don't know why or how to explain this, but i feel weird and a bit guilty in grieving, like i'm not the one who's supposed to be this upset and crying, because the family must feel so much more pain...i don't know what to say to my friend, i don't know how to talk to him about how he must be feeling, i'm afraid of bringing things up that will make him feel more pain, or things that might remind him of his brother when he may be trying to focus on something else. i don't know how often i should call or if its appropriate to ask him to do things (hang out, go to the movies, dinner.) i also feel weird because this happened on my birthday....any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

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I know what your friend is going through my 14 year old brother died when I was 10 but your friend is probably worried about if he mentions something about his brother that makes you feel awkward I know I do and I feel I can't talk to anyone about him and he just never existed so be their for your friend.

I agree with the other posts and wish you and your friend well. We do not have to grieve in the same ways and I think it's perfectly fine for you to just ask your friend, "I feel so badly about the loss of your brother. I have not had any experience with this kind of loss before so I don't even know what to say or do to help you, but please know I'm here for you."

It's just a coincidence that he passed away on your birthday, but that maybe is just meant as a reminder so that each year on your birthday you remember to call your friend and say, "I just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you today".

Let your friend set the pace but don't be afraid to talk about her brother. If you don't know what her comfort level is, just ask her, "do you like to talk about Bob or does it make it harder? I think of him all the time, but don't know if I should mention things when they come to mind." She will let you know.