Ask Me Help Desk - What does this behaviour mean?

I know I should just dump him technically speaking but when you love someone properly you seek out reasons for why he is acting a certain way etc.

First off, I am pregnant - nearly 24 weeks gone and 26 yrs old, v miserable and alone, working my bum off in Ireland, to try and get money up for the baby as I doubt he will give it to me at the end of the day and I don't want his money anyway.. he on the other hand, is in London - trying to set his new business up and is 34 - he has been on unemployment benefit for last 5 yrs - is living in his parental home and refuses to come to Ireland to rear the child with me. On the other side, he offered me a room in his sisters house but wanted me to pay her a housing benefit as a form of rental income. I flatly refused.. and my mother gave out to him and accused him of wanting to commit fraud.

So since this, I have stayed here and am doing OK apart from the fact I have bought everything for the child and got nil support from him.. I made this point to him and he gave me 40GBP half the price of the buggy I bought.. as he did not want to be accused of not pulling his weight even though he still isn't. He keeps upsetting me and I try to not let it get to me for the sake of the baby.. today I try to understand this behaviour.. one min he is great the next horrible. He calls me untrue names like slut etc.. and is v disrespectful even though I would not even dare cheat on him.. but he has it in his head that I have already done so.. eh nooooo I haven't and even if I was offered I wouldn't bother or want..
But he is powerless to see this - he is unable to trust and wants DNA even for baby still.. even though he knows deep down its his.. I don't mind that.. if that is what he needs on paper to see its his.. fine I am not worried.. but why disrespect the mother of your child?
I threatened to leave him today.. that for me was progress.. but I am not strong.. and broke down into tears and hung up on him.. espec after he said I don't know if I can ever love you to be honest.. he has been thinking of contacting his ex Paki married girlf. I said in anger, why do you give more of a about her than you do of me? He tried to say she is an angel in comparison to me! I said well if she is a f~~kn angel then why she dump you and run off and marry someone else.. he wants to contact her to find out if she got divorced.. I said is that why you act horrible to me.. you try to push me away from you to go to that b##ch.. but he told me to f off.. I said fine I f##n will.. but I broke down as I sent him a gift to mark 1 yr of relationship... so I said.. do you just get some kick out of hurting me.. I just don't know what to think.. and being pregnant blocks me from thinking straight..

What I want to know is.. do you reckon he doesn't give a about me.. wants her so acts crappy on purpose with me.. or is fed up of being with me so wants out.. and a way out of his responsibilities of being a dad? I asked him all this but he denies it.. I said just don't lead me on.. if you don't love just bloody say.. so today he finally killed me and said I don't know if I could ever be capable of loving you.. imagine after I just bloody bought the ungrateful man a gift.. I said you could have said thanks.. a simple thank you is that too much to ask! So.. anyway sorry if I annoy you and rant over.. your thoughts would help me to be stronger.. I just can't think straight.. dont know if its hormones or what..

Thanks.. :(

I think you can think straight but are choosing not to. I think this said it all...

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Originally Posted by miserablegirl

I know I should just dump him technically speaking but when you love someone properly you seek out reasons for why he is acting a certain way etc.

And that was the first sentence. I don't know the laws in Ireland but if they are anything like the U.S. you can start garnishing his wages, although it appears he doesn't have any so I don't know if that would do you any good. If you have these doubts now they aren't going to get better when the baby comes so you might as well start preparing now, and not later.

Thanks for your post - I woke up this morning and now he says he apologises for all the insults.. you can see why I am so confused.. one min he says this the next apologises and I like to be fair.. would you forgive him?

No. Because there is no excuse for his behavior in the first place. This is the same pattern abusers use. They inflict pain, and apologise and are nice, then out of the blue, they abuse you again. It starts verbal, but can get physical and deadly. From your other posts you both can get emotional and say things to hurt each other, and this is not a good sign of a hopeful relationship. Even though the child you carry is bonding you with him, for at least 18 years, I wish you would save yourself a lot of misery and sever the emotional ties to him. And lets be clear, at present he is a bum who needs help feeding himself, let alone independent enough to provide for his own needs, so expecting him to be able to help you with his child is a fantasy on your part. He is not relationship material nor would he be any type of father figure. Sorry, I wish I was wrong, but I'm not. Take care of yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by miserablegirl

Thanks for your post - I woke up this morning and now he says he apologises for all the insults..you can see why I am so confused..one min he says this the next apologises and I like to be fair..would you forgive him??

No. It's one thing if he were to have a bad day and said something stupid. But he is having a bad life and instead of taking action to correct his problems he lashes out at those around him. It's not your fault he's acting like a coward. It's not your fault he's an abuser. But it is your fault if you continue to put up with it. Given that your pregnant most men try to be considerate of those hormones you spoke about and try to say the right thing... or at least don't try and say the wrong thing. He doesn't care one way or another and talks about having an affair openingly to you with another woman is is married. So that tells you exactly what he thinks about marriage. It also tells you what he thinks about commitment.

I see what you are getting at thanks - perhaps I am just too soft.. but yeah I will have to think about this all and act upon it.. I think I am just living in some sort of denial as you know carrying a baby and doing all is v hard on your own but at least I am currently doing well..

One more thing can someone change after they see a baby though? As then they will see also what they could be losing out on?

Quote:

Originally Posted by miserablegirl

One more thing can someone change after they see a baby though? as then they will see also what they could be losing out on??

You sure are in deep denial.

I'm not saying someone can't change because people are always changing and some make 180 turn arounds in there life so the answer is yes he can change but why is that important to you?

I'm totally at a loss just thinking about that statement, your almost using your baby as bait to get him to like you. Your baby did not ask you to hook up with a guy that you fully admit you shouldn't be with. That is not your babies fault. So now instead of thinking "what can I possibly do to get this one guy (who treats me like crap and opening admits to cheating with married women)" it's time to start thinking about your child and yourself.

And I'll throw this one out to you. Let's just say for the sake of the argument that he did change what would you do then? I bet you anything you would get tired of him and dump him. You've had years to see what he's like and nothings changed so deep down you must really like this challenge of trying to get him to change. At some level you've decided that this was worth all the years you put into it with absolutely nothing coming back as far as love or a connection. So at some level deep inside yourself, despite all the tears you like this. So if he changed you would be happy for awhile and then get bored and start the whole process over with someone else.

So instead of living in this fantasy of worrying about him and what he's going to do... which is really not your problem or concern at this point, I recommend you start finding out why this pattern of self abuse is something that makes you happy and start correcting it. You may have to get a councelor but at some point your brain linked up punishment as love or happiness but in reality it has been anything but. So now for YOUR sake and for your child's future you need to correct this problem.

The other reality is you don't even know who you are anymore, as you have no identity outside of him and as such you live by his words and actions and actually hope that his words and actions will change to fit your life and lifestyle. I think you've given up enough of yourself, and you've punished yourself enough for this lifetime so start correcting your belief system that says he (or any other guy) something for you to be happy.

No I am def not using my baby as bait for him to like me! I may be in denial but I certainly am not that.. :-(

I also don't have a low self-esteem and he certainly doesn't control my life even though he has tendencies that veer towards this.. I think he has a low self esteem and he had a nervous breakdown a few years ago. I think he is still depressed but will never admit to it obviously as that would damage his pride.. I love the guy I don't like sticking around just I like the challenge of 'changing him' I properly just love him it's that simple.. I think his strange ways have depressed me! He has not cheated on me.. well not yet.. and I don't think he will while he is with me.. that is why he runs hot and cold as to whether we stay together or not. I put the baby first now.. he has been demoted there.. but I am not as bad you think or make out from your post.. I do appreciate your opinion - there are some valid points that you do make so thanks

Maybe you didn't choose who made this baby that well, but who this baby is exposed to will be important. Hi bio father has rights true enough, but if he were a man he would be by your side, and get a job, and things men do for their family. For all your feelings for this guy his action deem him a bum, and you can't change that. He should see his child, but he has so far not stepped up to be an influence in the child's life, or yours. Since you can only judge by what he does, he is a loser. You both need and deserve better. I know to well the consequences of deadbeat dads, and how they can bring down entire families, and have had to raise nieces and nephews, in my own home because dad was gone, and mom was overwhelmed. You can do better than what this guy brings to the table, and I hope you do.

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Originally Posted by miserablegirl

but I am not as bad you think or make out from your post..I do appreciate your opinion - there are some valid points that you do make so thanks

I wasn't making you out to be a bad person, I was trying to verbally slap some reality into what's going on. I can tell you what you want to hear but that's not the reality as I see it from what your posting. The fact is, and this does include me at times as well, sometimes we get so caught up in a person or situation that we lose perspective of what's really going on and most people don't want to be mean so they say things like "it will work out in the end" or in your case perhaps "once he sees the baby he'll come around." Now he may very well, I'm not saying he won't but I see it as highly unlikely, and even if he does that's nothing you can worry about now. Only he can make that decision and the fact that he doesn't even try to help you during your pregnancy by watching his mouth tells me all I need to know about his character and his devotion to you and the child.

But you said in an earlier post that you felt you were in denial and I think I have an obligation to point out that I agree and try to "verbally slap you straight." It's not a personal attack but it is meant to get your attention and make you start thinking about reality and not fantasy which is where you seemed to be headed.