She wants space.But tells me not to give up on her.
Wow... Where to begin. Ill try to make this brief but how do you sum up 7 years of living together and 7 months of being separated.
The Breakup..
She needs space. She is unhappy with herself. She just finished college and was starting the masters but it was too stressfull. So she drops out. She is on the phone with me... crying saying she is so confused and she is so unhappy. She screams over the phone "i love you..i love you so much." but I can't be with you.
Needless to say.. it was a little hard to take. I have worked hard for us to get where we are. I have come along way as a person and built a life for us. I found my career... worked my butt off to get us a house and tried my best to be the best I could be for us. Anyway... back to the story.
The reasons she left..
I know most of the reasons she left. It was a mixture of her expectations that I didn't meet and her longing to be back in her home town with her friends and family. She is very close to them. She never really got a chance to be independent and be on her own after she moved because I came later and moved in to be with her. I always took care of her. She had had self esteem issues as well and she didn't like herself. So in other words she was a mess and she didn't feel that she could work it out while being in a relationship. She also couldn't find a job here after finishing college... in her home town, she got a job right away. Her career is very important to her.
Post Breakup...
Ok... this is where you guys are going to tare me up. After the breakup over the phone in September (cuz I was in japan on business) She didn't have anywhere to go so I told her to stay till she figures out her next move. Mean while I'm overseas with my heart gutted out and losing it while trying not to get fired from my dream job. She did the hardest thing and she called me so that I could vent and get it all out. She would let me sit there and cry while listening to me and telling me that it wasn't my fault and that it would be OK. It went on almost everyday for 2 weeks and I started to get better. Kind of. I was just trying not to cry on her shoulder as much. So in October she decided to move back home to her family and friends and packed most of her stuff up.
We continued to talk almost everyday on the phone. My work friends in japan kept me going out and having fun as much as I could... which was hard to say the least. One night she asked me to call her and she had been drinking. She was having a hard time and she let slip that she loves me still so much. I played it off by saying that we will always have those feelings.
So I fly back a month later and she told me that she was driving down to pick me up from the airport. So she does and she stays at "our" my house for 3 days and it was weird at first but after a little bit she naturally reached for my hand and later kissed me. We slept in the same bed and made passionate love. On the 3rd day we packed her car with more of her stuff and ready to go. We are outside and she has her arms tight around me holding me close. Her eyes are swollen from the tears that are streaming down her face. She says to me, "im confused.....am i doing the right thing?" My voice wouldn't come to me... I could only whisper, "I love you and i want you to be happy. You have to figure this out." Tears were poring down my face and my mind was wishing me dead for saying what I just said. She kissed me so passionately and held me for what seemed like forever. Then she left. She texted me shortly after saying how I would always hold a huge place in her heart and how she would always love me. I wrote her back saying, " Maybe im not Mr. right now but Mr. later." She replied, "i hope so."
Way post break up....
So here is the latest... short and brief. She asked me to spend thanksgiving... christmas... and newyears with her... and I did. I have gone up to see her a couple of times a month. She calls me everyday and texts me everyday... I never initiate it. We both have not dated anyone else and are uninterested in dating anyone else.
February she calls me one night and she tells me that she had a conversation with her friend (who is a guy). She says that he asked her, "if he was all those things why aren't you with him. Why do woman do that to nice guys. If he was a jerk to you...you would have stayed but instead you hurt him for being good to you." She said that he really made her think about what her expectations were of me and how she always raised the bar every time I met her expectations. (which I didn't know about. I always just grew as a person). She then said that she thinks she made a mistake and that she wants to work on us but take it slow. That she still needs time to work on her but that she wants to be with me. So since then we have spent much time together as we can. I have been driving up 500miles to see her and she came down on spring break to be with me. We had such a good time.
Recently in April I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said she couldn't and that it was because if she was she would always be worried about what I'm doing and who I'm talking to and she said that she doesn't want to be crazy like that. I said that if we aren't dating anyone else and you say you want to be with me... what is the difference. She said she couldn't deal with the stress of it right now and to just take it slow.
After that I had doubts. I was questioning the whole thing. Worrying about the distance, fading love, and the influence of time. She said that she isn't losing hope and neither should I.
Well... its May and I have spent more time with her. Last night we got into it about some stupid stuff and I showed jealousy... she was mad but understood. We worked it out over the phone and she said something that made me laugh after such a serious conversation. "I love you...Deal with it."
So.. here I am... loving this woman with everything I have and wondering what the future holds. Which is pointless because you can't predict the future.
Things i NEED to do.......
Any advice would be appreciated.
But meantime I think I'll
-work on me.
-hang out with my friends and enjoy being out of a relationship
-try to be happy
-work on bieng a complete person
-get my routine going again at the gym
-stick with my hobbies of racing motorcycles
