My brother is getting married in a few months, and I'm the best man. While out at dinner last weekend, we bumped into him with another woman (someone whom he had romantically pursued for years before getting engaged). His fiancée was out of town, and given her jealous nature, I am certain she does not know.

How can I, in good conscious, still agree to be his best man? I am walking a fine tightrope here, because I have, in the past, made it abundantly clear to him that he's making a mistake in marrying this woman in the first place. Among many other things, she's offensive and petty; characteristics that everyon else can see but he refuses to concede. I've always believed that he doesn't really love her, since he's never seemed excited about the upcoming wedding; now I feel my instincts are correct.

Now, since I'm sure she knows my feelings towards her, I can't tell her without sounding like I'm lying and trying to break up a marriage I don't approve of.

I may not like her, but no one deserves to be cheated on, and I feel sorry for her, and for the future of this marriage. On the other hand, is it any of my business? Does being the best man make it my business?

Isn't this only supposed to happen in soap operas?

Nobody deserves to be cheated on.
For sure.

Is it any of your business..
How good is your relationship with your brother ?
Do you get along well ?
It is after all his decision to marry this woman.
And she has decided to marry him.

If I were you I would probably stay out of it.
Chances are that things might get worse... also because you don't like the future bride.


However..
Your decision.
And apparently these things happen in real life...


Good luck in this tricky situation !

It's your business because it's family.

Confront your brother about it first. Give him the chance to come clean on it... he's your brother and deserves that chance. She, no matter what you think of her, deserves to hear it from him rather than somebody else, if he's willing to do that.

If he won't, I would send her a letter anonymously letting her know about it. Both of them will be less likely to turn around and say that you're making things up because you don't like her if you do it that way, even if (and it probably will, since at that point your brother will know that you're the one who caught him) it comes out that it was you.

I am confused. Since when does being out for dinner with an ex constitute as cheating?? If you could, in all good conscience, agree to be a best man when you feel your brother is marrying the wrong girl then you can still be best man now. However, if you feel that you can't, then you sit down with your brother and tell him that you are backing out as best man for several reasons. Then you tell him everything.

As for the woman he is marrying... keep out of it. If you tell her he is cheating (and to be honest, it sounds to me like you could be wrong) and they still do get married you will never be accepted, respected or trusted. If you tell her and they don't get married, everyone will blame you.

Look up what the best man's responsibilities are and decide if you can meet those responsibilities or not. Then either speak with your brother, or forget it.

Hope this helps.
Didi

Let me see going out to dinner with a ex, yes that is cheating esp if the bride to be does not know about it.

Tell everyone, and save this poor women from a divorce down the road.

I agree. The letter sounds like a great idea. If possible, write the date and restaurant you saw them at together. That way she can possibly see it on his bill, etc... I was cheated on and it only causes MAJOR problems down the road if the truth does not come out. Her heart will be more broken in 6 months or 5 years or however long it takes for the truth to come out, and it always does!

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Originally Posted by grammadidi

I am confused. Since when does being out for dinner with an ex constitute as cheating???? If you could, in all good conscience, agree to be a best man when you feel your brother is marrying the wrong girl then you can still be best man now. However, if you feel that you can't, then you sit down with your brother and tell him that you are backing out as best man for several reasons. Then you tell him everything.

As for the woman he is marrying... keep out of it. If you tell her he is cheating (and to be honest, it sounds to me like you could be wrong) and they still do get married you will never be accepted, respected or trusted. If you tell her and they don't get married, everyone will blame you.

Look up what the best man's responsibilities are and decide if you can meet those responsibilities or not. Then either speak with your brother, or forget it.

Hope this helps.
Didi

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I would have to agree with you.

Speak to the brother, but stay out of it.

Interesting dilemma. You have loyalty towards your brother, yet your conscience tells you to come clean and give the girl a fighting chance. I think that is honorable, considering you don't even like her. I have been in the situation of telling someone about their boyfriend cheating. Needless to say, she didn't believe me and she told me I was jealous and trying to break up their relationship. Now, as the years have gone by, she got married and he cheated at his bachelor party. He has cheated on her for years and after she had one miscarriage and then another baby, she finds out he is with someone else for over a year. HE moves out and won't divorce her, still living with the girlfriend. So, do I regret telling her? HECK no! I just wish she would have listened then. Even though our friendship changed and eventually she stopped talking to me, I would've felt worse if I know I kept it a secret. She looked like a fool then, and throughout their marriage still looked like the fool. Now she is a alone, with a baby, and he is still messing with her head and won't talk of divorce. What a @!! I have to say it is important to handle this carefully. If he wasn't doing anything wrong, why do it when she is out of town? Also, if she is an ex, why is he going out with her now? I think he doesn't want to marry her either, but he doesn't know how to get out of it, so he has resolved himself to go through with it. I think you should confront him first. Tell him you are going to tell her if he doesn't. Give him a chance to come clean, either way she would want to know what happened. Maybe nothing did, but it's still deceitful the way he did it. If he chickens out, then you get together with her and give her all the information of where, what time and everything. YOu tell you her it is up to her what to do with all of it, but you felt she had a right to know. AND say that even though she isn't your favorite person, you felt it was something you had to do, because this is such an important step in their lives. You don't want to seem them go through everything and fall apart later, that wouldn't be better. If they get through this, then they will be ready to handle all the stuff that comes their way later, if they don't , it wasn't meant to be anyway. I know you love your brother, tell him your doing this because you care about him, and what he did makes you concerned that he is making the wrong decision. Either way, they will both be mad and probably blame you, but ultimately you will know you did what is right. You will be able to live with yourself, because the truth my friend, "shall set you free"! Sorry I am little tired so I am getting more cheesy as I go. Good luck and let us know what you decide. WE will be happy to help if we can!

Stay out of it. It isn't your problem even though it is family.

If you don't want to be best man because you feel he is cheating on his fiancé tell him as much privately and see what he has to say!

And you may be wrong. He may not be cheating. I don't go along with Chuck when he says that having dinner constitutes cheating, but I will admit that it is more than likely what is happening.

Still, I don't think it is your right to get more involved.

I guess I am a bad person but... while visiting, with both being present, I would probably casually ask if your brother planned on meeting up with the ex again, like when his fiancé was out of town?

I know, it opens a can of worms but his expression will be honest and she will see it and know that you are not lying. You won't be saying the "word" cheating but it brings it out into the open that you brother did take another woman out.

I guess it depends on how blunt and involved you would like to be.

1. You don't know for a fact he was cheating 2. If there is something wrong in their relationship " she knows it....we all have a 6th sense. 3. Are u sure that you feel sorry for someone that you feel is "offensive and petty" or would this be a good chance to get rid of her.4. Its your call, you have to live with your actions just as your brother does.5. If I thought it would cause a rift between me and my brother I would think twice before I said anything.
Good luck

If you are certain he is actually cheating (and it wasn't just them having dinner an "innocent" dinner together) I would probably tell her.

There is something that really breaks my heart about people cheating right before getting married. Isn't that supposed to be the time when you are so in love you want to commit yourself to another person forever? If he is cheating now, I doubt he'll stop once they get married or have a few kids.

To be fair to her, before she spends more money on the wedding and will go through more pain and embarrassment, she deserves to know the truth and all the facts. The more time that passes before she finds out the worse she'll eventually feel. And, after the wedding there will only be a bigger mess to clean up.

Just my opinion, though. You do what you feel is right. Good luck!

Send her an anonymous letter! Make it very polite, and state that you're doing this because you believe she needs to know. Hey, you can make it sound like it's coming from a woman.
I think you should not be the best man.
A very, very close friend of mine is engaged to a man I hate! I made it clear, I don't give a , I will not come to the wedding. It's one way of showing how serious you are.

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Originally Posted by svatnsdal

Send her an anonymous letter! Make it very polite, and state that you're doing this because you believe she needs to know. Hey, you can make it sound like it's coming from a woman.
I think you should not be the best man.
A very, very close friend of mine is engaged to a man I hate! I made it clear, I don't give a , I will not come to the wedding. It's one way of showing how serious you are.

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Adding my two cents - if you have decided it is your business after all you tell the person. Anonymous letters are written by cowards and largely ignored. And the advice to make it sound like it's coming from a woman - doesn't seem sensible to me.

You say what you saw and you let the other person make the decision what to do next. Would I want to be told face to face? Sure.

I don't think the "I hate your husband to be, I'm not coming to the wedding" statement works - lots of people get married with disapproving family members absent. It's your friend's life, not yours, and I think you support your friends, not alienate them. And if it works out, you've just lost a friend.

You might start by telling your brother that he is wrong if he is trying to continue other sexual relationships with other woman while he is engaged to another and simply ask to no longer be his best man. It's your issue, based on your conscience.

State your case, listen to his response and make your judgement accordingly. If you no longer feel you can continue as the Best Man, then do not do it!

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Originally Posted by DJon

My brother is getting married in a few months, and I'm the best man. While out at dinner last weekend, we bumped into him with another woman (someone whom he had romantically pursued for years before getting engaged). His fiancee was out of town, and given her jealous nature, I am certain she does not know.

How can I, in good conscious, still agree to be his best man? I am walking a fine tightrope here, because I have, in the past, made it abundantly clear to him that he's making a mistake in marrying this woman in the first place. Among many other things, she's offensive and petty; characteristics that everyon else can see but he refuses to concede. I've always believed that he doesn't really love her, since he's never seemed excited about the upcoming wedding; now I feel my instincts are correct.

Now, since I'm sure she knows my feelings towards her, I can't tell her without sounding like I'm lying and trying to break up a marriage I don't approve of.

I may not like her, but no one deserves to be cheated on, and I feel sorry for her, and for the future of this marriage. On the other hand, is it any of my business? Does being the best man make it my business?

Isn't this only supposed to happen in soap operas?

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I think you should talk to your brother's fiancée when it's not too late, even though this can cause a family scandal. This woman, however she is, deserves to know the truth. Sooner or later, your brother will do this again to her. If he could do this before wedding, that's very clear indication of how his 'moral principles' work. He will cause troubles in the future and his marriage will be ruined sooner or later, since his bride-to-be is jealous, as you say... It's simply not fair what he did. Everyone deserves the truth, that's my opinion.