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I need some help if any one can help me. I have just recently lost my mum to cancer on the 28th march. I am having trouble coping with it but I have a 10 year old daughter who thought the world of her nan and she is just not coping at all which seems to make me feel even worse. I have her in counselling but she doesn't like it (I make her go) so anyone with any tips would be great. I know only time will heal but I just need some sort of suggestions on what to do.?
Thanks
I am sorry for your loss. The best thing I can tell you to do is to let your daughter feel what she does. And allow yourself to feel. It is okay to be sad and angry. I truly believe if you can get it out now - there won't be any of those feeling haunting you in the long term. Talk to your daughter about your mom. Share stories of good times. Try to get involved with cancer charities. The two of you together could raise money or do the cancer walks, etc. doing something in honor or memory of your mom.
Again, I am sorry for your loss.
Children tend to perceive the world from a different perspective than us adults do. They lack the knowledge and wisdom we have built up with years of personal life experiences. Be her guide not her dictator. What we sometimes fail to remember is that each child has their own set personality and therefore deals with things differently than the next. Forcing her to go talk to a therapist could actually have the reverse effect of the outcome you are looking for. Be open about the way you feel... but do not expect or force her to do the same. Try approaching her from different angles to get her to open up. The indirect approach is sometimes the best way to approach a situation like this. Like nowwhat said perhaps involving yourself in those activities will make you feel better and like they say lead by example. I am truly sorry that you and your family have to endure this. I wish you the best. Remember that everything in life tends to happen for a reason even though at times the reason is not so obvious.
Kay, please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother. At times like this it is very hard to know how to be emotionally supportive, even to our own children, when we ourselves are having trouble coping with our own grief.
It might be beneficial for you to start searching out books on grieving for both yourself and your daughter. Here is one that I found that was given some very good reviews. Please click on the link:
Amazon.com: Helping Children Grieve: When Someone They Love Dies (Revised Edition): Books: Theresa M. Huntley
You might want to consider taking a trip to your local bookstore and seeing what is available to you both. It can be used as a constructive mother/daughter outing. Spending time with your daughter doing things together, finding fun things to do together, will help her. She was close to her nan. Although she is having trouble verbalizing it, because your mother's cancer took her too soon, your daughter may have a buried fear that you will die as well. If this is her first major experience with death, it is a very traumatic time for her. You just might find that finding a grief counselor for yourself, will help you with your own grief, and the counselor will be able to give you advice on how you can constructively handle your daughter's grief. I think forcing her to go to counseling, if she doesn't want to, may not be the best thing for her right now. At 10 years old, it may appear to her that this is a punishment for her not being able to cope, instead of the help you believe it to be. She may feel that she is the only one that misses nan and is wondering why she is being singled out, and you do not seem to be affected by your own mother's death. Obviously, you are, but as adults we feel that we have to hold it together for our own children, and not show them our own grief. Sometimes, that is not the most constructive way to handle it. Once you go through some sessions with your own grief counselor, inviting your daughter into your sessions so that you both are given the benefit of the counseling together, might be the way to approach it. Every child is different and their needs are different. I hope this helps. If you have any further questions, please post back.
SO sorry for your loss. In our family we had several grandparents die within 1 1/2 years and I didn't realize the toll it took on my daughter until a few days before Christmas she asked "who is going to die this CHristmans mom?" I hadn't realized that she was worried as to who might be next. WE had a talk about the illnesses that had taken our loved ones and our belief that we would see them again. WE also discussed how we knew some time a head that they were sick and we had some time to prepare. THis reassured her and she was able to move on after a while. I agree with Ruby that she possibly may be worried for you or herself so open the conversation about it and see where it takes you. There are some excellent books available as well.
Sometimes children just need a way to communicate their feelings, and a way to mark the loss. I would say something to her like, "I was thinking we could do something really special, just between you and me, to remember Nan. I know she watches over us, and I thought we could come up with something together just to show her that we still love her and we miss her". You can do something as simple as writing her letters and releasing them from a place she liked attached to helium balloons, or you can do something more permanent like having a brick engraved with her name at her favorite park. Or, you can have a memorial service at church on the anniversary of her death, and your daughter can speak at the service if she would like to. Or maybe you could get a special frame to put in your home, and your daughter can draw pictures to put in the frame as her way to say what she wants to her grandmother. Artwork can be very therapeutic, and you can ask her to tell you about what she drew. This gives her a little emotional space because she can talk about the picture instead of directly about her feelings. Whenever she has more to say, on her own, she can make a new picture and put it in the frame.
If she hates the counseling, she might need a different avenue, like a children's support group for grief with other kids. Maybe the counselor is not the right fit for her, or she needs to share the attention with other kids to feel comfortable expressing her feelings.
Losing someone is very hard I've lost a parent myself I no it's the hardest thing in the world but you need to just keep going and support your daughter as much as you can help her and try and give her an easy life and keep her happy no matter what it takes I'm a lot younger than you 13 to be percicse 14 to month I should now because my lifes hell and its because of my mam and step- dad grounded me every to secends for nothing treeting me like a kid and a foul its really hard but she's still in your hart and sheel never leave no matter how much you try breavement is really hard and I feel for you but your strong and you and your daughter will get through this very ruff patch and get on with your lifeQuote:
Originally Posted by kaytlynk
. You WILL BOTH PULL THROUGH.
JESSICA
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