I hope we find each other again
Dear Pamela,
These are hard times….. there are things we want to say but can’t….. things we don’t want to say but we do….. things that need to be said….things that shouldn’t be said…….and things that may never be said. We are both going through such confusing times. It’s all a tangled mess of hurt….pain….self doubt….and new discoveries…mostly about ourselves. Through this you have been there for me…and I have tried to be there for you. After this is all said and done, I am still your friend and I want to always be your friend. I know that it is hard for us to do this right now……to keep each other in our lives….I know it is hard for me. But you’re the only one who understands this, what we are going through. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I want to stop hurting. We had 6 years of life together. Six years of good memories that I will hold onto and remember with a smile. I will never forget those moments as long as I live….because my life is better having known you. I am a stronger person because of you. I am a better friend because of you. I am a better person because of you. You have had a profound affect on my life and it is important that you really see that….. that you see past this current situation and understand how much you have made my life better. I know you…I know that you don’t think that. I know that you think that you weren’t a good person…a good partner. I say partner because you were more than just a girlfriend. Don’t fool yourself and diminish what I am trying to say. Let these words sink in….. you and I did the best we could…we loved each other as much as we could.
As you know, I will always love you as I am sure you will always love me. There are things that I need to take away from this. Lessons in life that I need to grasp or we would have gone through all this for nothing. It is hard to deal with some of the lessons. We both feel that we were both not enough….but we were all we could be at the time. You have always been able to cut through to the core of what ever happened to you and learn from it. I on the other hand, take more time. In my own time, I will come to terms with this. Despite what you think, it is hard for me to put my emotions out there. It is hard for me to sit here and write what I am thinking for you to see. Not knowing how you will react, what you will think, or how you will feel. But saying these things is important to me. I know you know most of these things already but it is not just for you but for me as well.
I have relied on you for things. Things I shouldn’t have. I though of you as my ray of light in this world. As the candle that would always guide me home and help me be strong. I depended on you for too much of my happiness and that was a terrible burden on you…on us. I guess I too needed to be more independent. But I guess in my mind it was OK for us to rely on each other. Because there was no one else in the world I would rather be with, that I could depend on or trust. That it was OK because it was you and me against the world. I had expectations of you and our life that over the summer I realized were unrealistic. I regret that it was too late by that time. I wish I could say I don’t have any regrets because we did all we could. But I can’t help how I feel. I regret that I didn’t learn from my mistakes better….. that I dragged us through the mud over the same things….that I spent too much time on things that weren’t important ….. that I talked too much but didn’t follow through….. that I never took the opportunity to really understand and love your family and friends….. that I ever worried about money over our happiness….that I tried to be what I thought you wanted instead of who I was….that in trying to do things I thought would make you happy, I became the man I didn’t want to be….that I didn’t treat you like the princess you are but at the same time put you in your place when you messed up….that I let my emotions rule me too much….. that I didn’t communicate rationally with an open mind and heart….. that I didn’t listen, I mean really listen/understand what you needed….and that I could have been more of a man. I don’t say these things to be down on myself but to understand what I could have done. To know what I must learn from this and apply to my life to help me change. I know they say that you can’t change who we really are. Maybe not the core of who we are but we can change. I honestly believe I can change. The core of who I am is a man who wants to give, get, and live love….who is honest and sincere….who puts his heart out there knowing it may get hurt but knows that there is no other way….that wants happiness…that craves true family and friends that will be there for him. I can’t change the core but I can change me. I will take these lessons….and regrets and learn from them. I will change because I have to or I will never be truly happy.
Haha…it’s hard to say this and put myself out there. But that’s me. That’s what I do. Pamela you are such a beautiful person…. I will always treasure you and our 6 years. The one thing I know I could never ever regret….was you. I love you…I will always love you…and I will always carry you with me in my heart.
Love,
Josh
This letter may seem cheesy to most of you but her and I are still friends and talk on a daily basis. She has been the biggest influence in my life and has definitely left me a better person than when she found me.
Im sure none of you would be surprised to know that I still love this woman with everything I have. She left me during a difficult time in her life last September. It was a hard time for me as I had just lost my mom/bestfriend in July to cancer. I was a mess and I didn't know how to cope with everything. So... eventhough I know it killed her to do it she would call me while I was in japan on work and let me cry about us over the phone. She would just listen and tell me that it wasn't my fault and that it was going to be OK. In October she packed most of her stuff up and moved up north to her home town to be with her family and figure things out. In November I came back from Japan and she drove down and picked me up from the airport. She spend 3 days with me. It was unbelieveable to have her in my arms again. We held hands, kissed, and made love. On the 3rd day, her car was packed and ready to go. We are outside and she has her arms tight around me holding me close. Her eyes are swollen from the tears that are streaming down her face. She says to me, "im confused.....am i doing the right thing?" My voice wouldn't come to me... I could only whisper, "I love you and i want you to be happy. You have to figure this out." Tears were poring down my face and my mind was wishing me dead for saying what I just said. She kissed me so passionately and held me for what seemed like forever. Then she left. She texted me shortly after saying how I would always hold a huge place in her heart and how she would always love me. I wrote her back saying, " Maybe im not Mr. right now but Mr. later." She replied, "i hope so."
I could hold her forever and it still wouldn't be long enough...
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