Ask Me Help Desk - Victim or paranoid

I have been married for a couple of years and have always had to deal with this friend of my husbands. I don't have a problem with friends of the opposite sex, quite honestly I prefer male friends myself. Thing is though, I don't hang out with my male friends anymore. We got married and I moved to his town and have no one. I have sacrificed my career, salary, friends, family and had a baby on top of all of this. So my life has had to change and I have had to make personal sacrafices for this to work. The past 6 months I have finally had too much of this friend. She is married and they live next door. I see her everyday, she is a stay at home mother and always there when I am home. No privacy. I work though, not because my husband doesn't make enough money, but because he is very materialistic and wants me to take care of my part so that he can still have his wants met. PS3 Xbox, LCD TV.. ect...
Thing is that this friend works for him occasionally. He is a carpenter she is a mother of 3 and has no skills. She drills nails into trim and carries tools from truck to job. He pays her $100 a day to do this. After taxes this is more than I make. He gives her work because he feels sorry for her and their financial situation and because " he loves his time with her."
Recently I told him that I didn't want her working for him anymore because if we have money to throw away I would like to go part time and be with my daughter more. He told me that he wouldn't have her work for him anymore. Last week he had her work with him for 4 days and I knew on the second day that he was and he lied until they got the job done so that he "wouldn't have to hear my mouth." She knew that it was not OK with me and she did anyway. There is no respect for me in this marriage. I gave him the choice of me or her and he says that he still may need her to do jobs so he can't promise me that he won't work with her again. Says it is just in my head that they are doing something in appropriate. I don't think that they are sleeping around but they do fill holes in each other that obviously me and her husband don't fill. Help

I'm sorry! It sounds like this is a one way relationship! That you do all the giving and he does all the taking. You need to really sit down and talk with him about how you are feeling! If he truly cares about you he will understand! It's rediculas that he is so selfish. It sounds like you would rather not work and spend your time with your baby. I hope you can work things out!

I don't want to seem negative, but what a jerk!! @ Is he kidding? I think you should be royally pissed off in this situation. Although, usually when you give people ultimatums, it doesn't go the way you want it to. For starters, part of the problem is that you don't value yourself in this marriage, and neither does he. Marriage is a sacrifice and a compromise, but it doesn't mean compromising everything that matters to you. You sound like you have given everything of yourself to him and now nothing is left for you. All you wanted was him to respect your feelings, and he doesn't care about that either. MY first instinct tells me that they are very attracted to each other. I don't know if they have moved past that stage or not, but no one takes on a female to work with him for $100 a day, when he could hire a labor guy for half the price, unless they want to be with the girl. She seems like a selfish you know what. I feel like kicking her and I don't even know her. Well, now that he says he can't promise you anything, I would say the same thing. I am like that though. I wouldn't sit around and let him abuse me like this. IT's harmful to bring a woman like that in between you. STart getting your life together. Take some power back and stop letting him control you. You shouldn't work to support his boyish play stuff, you should work because you want to. If you wanted to be home, he should support you! I feel like you need to stand up for yourself here. Stop letting him decide where you future is going. He is like a runaway horse, you are going to fall off and get really hurt. Start doing things to protect yourself and child's future. Get in touch with your friends and family that are far away. Start doing things for yourself and think about creating a life that makes you happy. You have no control over what this man does, but you do have control over how you respond to him. I think you need some serious support, because this may get way worse before it gets better. I hope everything works out, I know people here can help you because they have definitely helped me. Most importantly, don't isolate yourself, you will get very depressed and then become immobilized. You seem like a very understanding person, because he gets away with stuff that I cannot imagine letting slide. Maybe you are too giving to him, what does he do for you? Don't take this the wrong way, I don't want you to be upset and think you have to defend him. He may not have done anything, but if it doesn't stop, he will. Then, there is even more to deal with. You should go out, even by yourself for a few nights. Not tell him where you go, with who, whatever. It doesn't matter what you do. Make him a little worried about you for once. YOu are always there waiting for him, he needs to wait around for you. Maybe he will get a little nervous and wake up!

Ask him what part of the company you will own after the divorce.

But as the pay, honestly in construction for go/for labor that is about right, or even low in some areas of the county. So the pay does not seem out of line for the job she is doing,'

Set boundaries.

To me this one is worth a "good discussion" with your husband.

He must be kidding...

This is one of the cases where I think... "don't give in"

Good luck !

Quote:

Originally Posted by patientlywaiting

I have been married for a couple of years and have always had to deal with this friend of my husbands. I don't have a problem with friends of the opposite sex, quite honestly I prefer male friends myself. Thing is though, I don't hang out with my male friends anymore. We got married and I moved to his town and have no one. I have sacrificed my career, salary, friends, family and had a baby on top of all of this. So my life has had to change and I have had to make personal sacrafices for this to work. The past 6 months I have finally had too much of this friend. She is married and they live next door. I see her everyday, she is a stay at home mother and always there when I am home. No privacy. I work though, not because my husband doesn;t make enough money, but because he is very materialistic and wants me to take care of my part so that he can still have his wants met. PS3 Xbox, LCD tv..ect........
thing is that this friend works for him occassionally. He is a carpenter she is a mother of 3 and has no skills. She drills nails into trim and carries tools from truck to job. He pays her $100 a day to do this. After taxes this is more than I make. He gives her work because he feels sorry for her and their financial situation and because " he loves his time with her."
Recently I told him that I didn't want her working for him anymore because if we have money to throw away I would like to go part time and be with my daughter more. He told me that he wouldn't have her work for him anymore. Last week he had her work with him for 4 days and I knew on the second day that he was and he lied until they got the job done so that he "wouldn't have to hear my mouth." She knew that it was not ok with me and she did anyway. There is no respect for me in this marriage. I gave him the choice of me or her and he says that he still may need her to do jobs so he can't promise me that he won't work with her again. Says it is just in my head that they are doing something in appropraite. I don't think that they are sleeping around but they do fill holes in each other that obviously me and her husband don't fill. Help

Your husband must respect you and your feelings. Paying that woman so much just isn't correct. From what you write I get the feeling that they are definitely having a relationship and it's important to them that you are out of the house at work!