Ask Me Help Desk - A 20 year old son who won't speak to me

I was a young single mother, I have 3 boys 20, 17 and 10. They are my life. I sacrifced so much for them and love them very much. Recently I have had a lot of problems, I am losing my house to foreclosure and money is tight. My 20 year old is in college and works, but I pay his car insurance and helped in buy a decent car. He moved in with his grandfather recently and I don't see him that much. I told him I could not afford his car insurance anymore and he freaked and said all I wanted from him was money, and now he does not speak to me. It hurts so bad, he was ADHD and I never missed a school trip or missed volunteering in his class even though money was so scarce. It just kills me that he thinks I was a bad mother and that he thinks he does want me in his life now. Its almost like he is being a brat and throwing a temper tantrum and he has to blame someone for his life. Have I lost him forever, or will he grow up and see the light. Thank you for your help.

Sounds like to me that he doesn't understand that it is HIS responsibility to pay his own car insurance. Yes, he has a job but he also pays for his own college I am guessing?; even though college probably using most of his money he earns he still needs to realize that moma can't pay for all his expensives.

Here's some questions for you though. How long has he not been speaking to you for? What expensives do you pay of his? Does he rely on you for a lot of things?

Give it time, he probably knows that he is in the wrong but is to stubborn to admit it. Most likely he will grow up and give in because this is nothing to get mad over really. Although, some people never tell the truth to themselves and in turn they don't change their attitudes and don't really grow up; you just have to realize that you are NOT in the wrong. It is his problem that he has to deal with inside himself; you are NOT a bad mother for not paying HIS car insurance. He is already 20 and he doesn't understand his responsibilities; I am 19 and it is obvious to me so it most likely is obvious to him. Like I said earlier, I would probably just give it time and wait for him to give in.

*EDIT* Oh, and I forgot to post that from your explanation, it sounds like he has been spoiled into thinking that mother will be there to take care of everything (I kind of covered that but wanted to make sure you understand this). It will take time for him to get away from this, so just sit back and bare with it for now.

Wow, Your 19, Your Very Mature. Thank You For The Kind Words. Actually He Does Not Pay For His Own College, When He Was Young I Started A Fund For Him And He Has 2 Free Years Of College Upfront. After That, I Told Him I Would Help Him Finance The Rest. Its True Sometimes People Don't Want To See How Their Acting, I Have Made A lot Of Mistakes, But My Love For Him Stayed True As It Is For All My Boys. Again Thank You For Your Help.

Just a point "he was ADHD " and he still is ADHD. This doesn't go away but hopefully he will learn compensating skills. It probably has little to do with his current emotions. You are under great stress and so is he. He is striking out at you but it doesn't mean that you are a bad mother. Young people often strike out at their parents since the parent is the authority figure in their life. It is time that he starts stepping up to the plate and this is just a starting point for him. It will pass.

No problem, but I have to disagree with your idealogic of you made a lot of mistakes [I am sure you have because everyone does, but in this case there are none except maybe too much of a caring mother ;) ]; your latest comment even more so justifies my edit I posted in my last comment though. You spoiled him and now he depends on you. There is nothing wrong with this because you are just loving him. Although, this does however make him dependent on you so like I have been saying just give it time because it takes a while to break this habit. He will still be dependent on you because that is how he was raised but will break out of this for the most part with time. I too am spoiled by my grandmother and ask her to take me out to eat a lot because that is how I was raised with her. Good luck and keep loving your children because this is the best thing you can do for them, but remember, love can also be tough love and sometimes it is necessary for growing children so they mature right.

He is a spoiled brat and this will be good for him, in fact often parents who give too much and don't teach enough repsonsiblity find this happens often, He has grown to expect, and be given a handout.

But this is a common stage teenagers normally go though, he is doing it a little late, and perhaps grandparents may be urging this on a little also, I found that often can be a problem. He has yet to understand he is responsible for hisself.

And yes he is being a brat and yes he is throwing a fit, too bad you can't just put him over your knee any longer

At 20 he should not expect to get anything from you. At 20 he is an adult and responsible for his own affairs. Whatever you do to help him should be viewed as a gift and not be expected. It seems to me that he might be a bit spoiled and he has come to expect things. That is a hard thing to change. But you need to hold your ground and be firm. There is nothing wrong with a 20 year old paying their own insurance or even for college. Many students do... and they are just fine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daisysmiles

I was a young single mother, I have 3 boys 20, 17 and 10. They are my life. I sacrifced so much for them and love them very much. Recently I have had alot of problems, I am losing my house to foreclosure and money is tight. My 20 year old is in college and works, but I pay his car insurance and helped in buy a decent car. He moved in with his grandfather recently and I don't see him that much. I told him I could not afford his car insurance anymore and he freaked and said all I wanted from him was money, and now he does not speak to me. It hurts so bad, he was ADHD and I never missed a school trip or missed volunteering in his class even though money was so scarce. It just kills me that he thinks I was a bad mother and that he thinks he does want me in his life now. Its almost like he is being a brat and throwing a temper tantrum and he has to blame someone for his life. Have I lost him forever, or will he grow up and see the light. Thank you for your help.

He's still a kid, figuring his way through life. Being 20 years old is hard. He's still, maybe, not quite ready to be a 'grown-up' and he no longer thinks of himself as a kid. You shouldn't blame yourself for the mistakes you made. When we love our kids and do the best we can that's all we can do. Hindsight is 20/20, sure. You look back on your mistakes and try and figure out the lesson you learned from them. Don't be sorry. It's time for him to grow up and as much as we always want to be there for our kids we need to let them go. He needs to start being responsible for the things in his life. If he can't pay for his car insurance HE needs to figure something else out.

Sure, he's mad at you now. Don't buy into it. Don't shy away because he's not speaking to you. Contact him when you can and just make sure that he understands that no matter how mad he is at you that you still love him and want to be a part of his life.

Children are victims of circumstance. They don't have a say in what their life is like. At 20 years old he can decide for himself and he's not a victim of circumstance. He can either see that you've done the best you can and deal with it or not. Just don't let him shutting you out be an issue for you. Go along your merry way and, again, tell him you love him. Invite him to family outings and stuff just like you would before. If he wants to talk to you about things he will, if he doesn't he won't. If this goes on long-term I would deffinately consider trying to get him alone and talking things through with him. Tell him he's an adult now, like it or not, and you have enough going on with your children who are still at home to have to worry about supporting him too. The job of the parent is to raise their kids and let them out into the world. It's not to support them until their 30. He's got to start being responsible for himself.

I have an 18 year old daughter that is much the same way. I'm a jerk when I can't give her what she wants. She'll go without talking to me for long periods. She's just angry. I call her everyday and tell her that I love her. If she doesn't answer the phone I leave a message. I don't ask her to call me and I don't bother her. I call her once a day, that's it. Just to remind her that I'm thinking of her. She usually straightens out after a few days and calls me and talks to me just as if there was never a problem to begin with. The same sort of thing spurs her into one of these fits as well. We have slowly been giving her all her bills to take over. And each time it's a big scene but she has to do it sooner or later. We give her time to adjust and we tell her in advance it's coming. Still, when the day comes that we stop the payments she gets very upset. I tell her I'm sorry. I tell her I know it's hard. Then I tell her that's what being grown up is and if she feels she's ready to be out on her own and not live with mom and dad anymore she needs to be responsible for her own life. She has to pay her own rent, buy her own food, etc. It's hard on me too. Sometimes I cry when I'm by myself thinking of her on her own without my help. But, what's the alternative? I want her to be strong and independent. This hard time now will pay off in the future. She'll remember that I was there for her when it counted. When she and a boyfriend broke up, when she needed a shoulder to cry on, when she needed someone to take care of her when she was sick, even now, when she just wants to come home and spend the night so she can have that warm, fuzzy secure feeling. Those are the things she'll remember 10 years down the road. Those are the things she'll know she can depend on always and forever. Those are the things that matter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by daisysmiles

I was a young single mother, I have 3 boys 20, 17 and 10. They are my life. I sacrifced so much for them and love them very much. Recently I have had alot of problems, I am losing my house to foreclosure and money is tight. My 20 year old is in college and works, but I pay his car insurance and helped in buy a decent car. He moved in with his grandfather recently and I don't see him that much. I told him I could not afford his car insurance anymore and he freaked and said all I wanted from him was money, and now he does not speak to me. It hurts so bad, he was ADHD and I never missed a school trip or missed volunteering in his class even though money was so scarce. It just kills me that he thinks I was a bad mother and that he thinks he does want me in his life now. Its almost like he is being a brat and throwing a temper tantrum and he has to blame someone for his life. Have I lost him forever, or will he grow up and see the light. Thank you for your help.

Well daisysmiles- I am the mother of a 24 year old and am going through the same thing. I am hoping that they do grow up. That is the important thing- we can't give up hope. And I think you answered your own question- yes he is trying to find anyone else but himself to blame- my son is doing the same thing. You have done what you can- what any good mother should do- been there for him. It is time he becomes responsible for himself.

No, you are not a bad mother. I took over paying for my own car insurance at 18. My father passed away when I was 17, and I understood that money was going to be tight. I've gotten into horrible fights with my mother, even after I got married (when I was 20, I am now 23), but we always make up soon after. Try calling him daily like somebody (I'm sorry, I can't remember who) suggested. It may take time for him to come around. My 10 yr. old stepdaughter threw horrible fits before her father and I got married (includng slashing a bus seat) but she eventually accepted it. I wish you the best of luck.

I found this post because my 20yr son is not talking/texting me either. I was wondering how everyone here has made out since this forum was posted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marla67

I found this post because my 20yr son is not talking/texting me either. I was wondering how everyone here has made out since this forum was posted.

Most of these posters disappeared from the site, so please post your situation as a new question if you want some input from current members.

This thread is ancient and now closed.