Ask Me Help Desk - I'm dating a married man. ((how dumb does that sound!))

Just to admit that... or write it out... def sucked!
I met this man a few months back- about 5 moths ago. I was out with a girlfriend at a bar celebrating a win for our city's NFL football team... the bar we went to ended up being where most the players ended up so it was pretty fun to celebrate with the actual team. Now I've worked in the entertainment industry for years... so being around celebraties and athletes is quite routine for me.. so it wasn't a big thing at all. I was actually in gym shoes.. jeans... and not really interested in getting picked up- just there for a good time. I noticed this one guy.. and although I love football I wasn't sure if he was a player or a coach- but it was obvious he was joining in on the victory because he had a bottle of champagne in his hand and a victory cap on. He was suited up.. very sharp.. 6'6, had to be the most handsome man I seen in quite some time. I caught his eye a few times.. and finally about an hr later he passed by me and I stopped him and commented on how good looking he was... told him he should be flattered I even complimented him.. and walked away. I'm pretty confident in nature... so I knew I would throw him off with my cockiness.. and I did. He came back to me.. and said I made his day.. and from there the conversation began. We spent the rest of the evening talking.. and after the bar closed his group and my group all went for breakfast. We KIT from then on out.. and it wasn't until he mentioned he had a myspace page- which was about one month into our friendship.. that I realized he was married and expecting a child. At this pt it was all innocent. We had flirted, met for lunch a few times... but I couldn't get upset because he hadn't actually come on to me... I knew he liked me and I was also very attracted to him... but up until that discovery I really had nothing to base it on... but I was upset and I did confront him on it. He said he was sorry he kept it from me... but he didn't know how I'd react to it. We agreed we'd stay as friends.. and at this point I was helping him with some marketing efforts for a business he was starting... it was all innnocent... problems started 3 months later- At this point we were very much having feelings for each other. We were spending more and more time together- whether it be to meet for business.. or just a casual lunch- but it evolved mostly through email.. we'd write these lengthy emails... about life in general.. and we realized we had this odd connection their neither of us could explain.. it was like.. we just had to speak on daily basis.. whether through text.. or email.. every morning he'd call me to say good mroning.. and every night to say good night.. . he'd meet me out with my girlfriends.. I'd meet him out with his guys.. but we still hadn't even kissed. We had developed this weird friendship... we'd HUG a lot... and he'd hold me.. we both knew we had feelings but respected his situation. THe day his son was born he came to me after he left the hospital... and that's when I knew we were both falling in love- that night we made love for the first time... 3 and a half months after we met. We knew we were going about this all wrong... because it wasn't just a fling.. we had begun to have feelings. I struggled with this.. what was I doing? I could have any man I wanted.. and here I am... with a married man. But yet he had become one of closest friends... he and I were so darn compaitble... we'd laugh and joke.. and laugh.. we'd talk about everything and anything... he just made me feel so protected... yet I did the same for him... gave him advice... personally and professionally... then last week he asked that I come over that he had to talk to me.. I went to meet him at a park. He was sitting on a bench... unkempt.. unshaven.. glassy eyes... he went on to tell me he was getting a divorce before end of year. Mind you- I've never questioned or pressured him about this.. he said he was extremely unhappy but he never wanted to disrespect me and discuss this issue with me from fear on my twisting it or translating it as him feeding me what I want to hear.. he said he hadn't been intimate with his wife in 10 months... that she was his college sweet heart that he rekindled the relationship with about a year and a half ago when he resigned his contract with his NFL team... he felt pressured by family and friends because they all said from here on out after his contract the women he'd meeet would prob be after his millions and not really him.. they all loved his college sweet heart and said he should just get married because it was time. He had dated for years... let all his bachelor ways out.. and he really felt that she could be the one. He recognized their differences.. he was a social butterfly.. outspoken. The jokester... yet she was to herself.. cynical and serious. But he got married.. and only weeks after they married he realized he may have made a mistake. She cahnged immediately. He started questioning whether in fact she just did it for his status as well.. because once they married she stopped working... stopped cooking dinner.. stopped taking care of herself.. gained weight and just became insensitive to his career and his well being. Soon after they found out she was pregannt and from there it went down hill. He said when he met me he didn't expect it to evolve.. but it has.. and he feels even stronger for me than he ever did for his wife... that we get along on a level he never did with her... and that he just can't live this way anymore. He has to resign another contract next year and wants to divorce before then because they don't have a prenumpt. He was on fence about divorce because he adores his son and once he tells his wife he wants one she'll leave back to their home town... which kills him to know he'll be separated from his child. BUt he said he has to tell me all this.. because at that moment he said he realized he was in love with me. HE said all this and id idnt knowwhat to say back.. it was so much at once.. I just listened quiet.. taking it all in. BUt it's a struggle. I don't know how much longer I can do it. I can't wait until the end of year.. I just cant. All this is wrong.. but yet when I'm with him it just feels so right. I know it was hard for him to sit in front of me and tell me he loves me.. and I didn't reciprocate the feeling... I just stayed quiet... I have never said it to him. But I do feel it. I keep myself guarded because I know at end of the day- he's still with her. And I can't even believe its gotten to this pt. I've said I would never be involved with a married man.. yet somehow manage to justify this situation as it being unique.. but its still wrong. I want to be with him.. I don't want to cut him off.. but I know I have to.. yet now I know he's getting a divorce... so what do it do.. do I stick it out... yet I know once he does divorce trust issues will be a factor- how can I not think he'd do it to me... he said it wouldn't be the same.. but of course he's going to say that... ahhhhh I don't know. Plus I keep having nightmares about Gods wrath.. about sinning.. about committing adultry- I'm contributing to his sin.. and although I'm not exactly the most religious person.. I did grow up catholic and I know right from wronga and I know I'm sinning! What do I do? Do I wait it out... do I cut him off... he begs me to stay by his side through this.. that he needs me.. that I'm his angel.. that him his best friend.. that he just needs to get through this year until he comes up with a plan on how he's going to give her the news- that he just wants to wait until the summer is through to tell her... right before season starts... It sucks to see his face on TV.. or news.. or articles... I hadn't realized what a popular player he was until after we were involved.. and it sucks to see that... to know that I'm in love with this man that is my secret... ((sigh)) What to do.

If he suckes than all you have to do is to tell him to remember about his family and that he is doing something wrong.than all you have to do is to leave him alone

Firstly, you slept with him the day his son was born? That did actually make me sick in my mouth a little bit! There really is absolutely no excuse for that, and I'm sure you feel ashamed for that, or at least aught to!

If you do love each other, and he's doing this for you, you'd better stand by him. This is going to tear him apart, so you best hope you have an extremely strong relationship otherwise he's going to feel very alone, especially in the public eye!

Finally, make sure he's definitely telling you the truth! It seems like the "I'm leaving my wife, just not yet" is a staple line of adulterers world-wide!

This story sounds all too famillier.. sorry... but it does... im leaving my wife for you, you are my angel blah blah blah.thats what they all say, the thing is this.. how many others has he or will he say this to?
His wife gained weight, his wife doesn't cook, etc etc, have you met her? I'm sure his wife is blissfully unaware of all this lack of love, especially in the morning when he gets out of their bed to come see you.
Just my thoughts.
Could you really be with a man who openly cheats on his wife? You know the story, so he leaves her,then gets with you.. how long before he is doing the same with you? In some bar one night.. yeah my girlfriend has gained weight and we don't have sex anymore.
Think with your head not your heart.
Me? I would cut all contact and tell him to find me when he is divorced.. then you will know his true intentions.

The words... HOME WRECKER... comes to mind when I read your post!
The only thing I can't figure out is... which one did it first?

The fact that your relationship started with a lie should be a red flag. If he lied once, he can lie again. Also, why is a married man on My Space? I thought that was a space for 20 something's and younger. There is a lot of rationalizing going on. I think that a lot of soul searching has to occur. If you feel uncomfortable about this situation, you need to follow your gut instinct.

The best thing you can do is to stay away from him. At least until he is divorced. If he is some big football star - I find it arrogant to think that you wouldn't be smart enough to figure out his marital status. That should bother you.
You can let him know how you feel - but you can't be with him until he is free. You know, once he asks her for a divorce - it could take months on end to get a divorce.
If this is true love - then you can wait it out.
But, what happens when he doesn't leave his wife and you have to start sneaking around because he's in the public eye. He has to hide you away like a dirty little secret. How is that going to make you feel?
Save yourself from that. Respect his commitment enough with his wife and family and let this go. If it is meant to be then it will be - but you can not position yourself in another person's marriage - the result is never good.

I am sorry if I feel a little skeptical about this situation. Why is it always the wife's fault that the marriage went bad? Remember, there is always two sides to every story. I feel sorry for the wife, as she just gave birth to a baby. He apparently "loved" her enough for him to sleep with her and make another life. You say that he was starting to have doubts a couple of weeks after they married? Why didn't he do something about it then? I'm sorry, I just can't see a woman forcing a big-time football player into having sex with her. He wanted it. I don't believe his story. I think that he is pulling your chain and he truly does not have any plans to do anything about "his situation" in the very near future. I also think that you should stay away from him. I don't see this divorce as taking only months to go through, unless he is willing to give up A LOT just to get out of it. If anything, this will take years to go through. Look at Urlacher and he did not even marry the girl. These guys don't want to give up anything. He will most likely use his career to hide behind and say, "I have to do this, I have to do that or else it will ruin my career. Blah, blah, blah." My God, he had sex with you the day that his child was born. I bet that is mostly because he knew that he would not be able to get any for at least 4 to 6 weeks!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mom of 2

The fact that your relationship started out with a lie should be a red flag. If he lied once, he can lie again.

Preach it!! A lie is a lie is a lie. First impressions are the building stone of relationships. If you were married and found out your husband was cheating, how'd you feel? Do unto other's as you'd have them do to you. I may not be religious, but that right there sums it all up. What goes around WILL come around. What your doing can't be changed, only stopped. You've done the damage to three people. You his wife and him. If he can't be man enough to stop it you should be women enough to. Sorry but in my opinion you've destoryed yourself by being with a married man. Ppl will never see you the same way and you can't blame us. You problably woln't ever have a real relationship because of this. It really doesn't even matter IF he was unhappy. Once married always married in my eyes. Divorce is for weak people in not all but most cases. Who want an easy way out of a situation that isn't going their way. You screwed yourself and no pity here sister.

First of all if this man is weak enough to let his family tell him who to marry, HELLO--no backbone. Second, he actually listened ( assuming this story he is telling you is true, which of course we don't know because you are ONLY getting his side)
Third, there is a child involved. No, check that--that should be reason number one to WALK AWAY. To put a precious child in the middle of a twisted drama is not fair. The child is in fact the innocent party here. Whatever his problems, whatever his reasons --IT Doesn't MATTER. WALK AWAY. There are highly qualified psychologists he can go to for any mental anguish or problems he is facing, and a pastor or preist would be an excellent choice for him to talk to about his relationship troubles. Not you. He is married. Period. And until he is not, I suggest you spare yourself the heartache and find someone who is man enough to live with integrity and honor. Why would you want anything less? If you were really his "best friend" he would care enough about you NOT to have an affair with you and risk hurting you so deeply.
This man is a snake. He may be a smooth snake, a pretty one, and a rich one at that, but a snake is a snake.

Run, don't walk. Get away from him. You'll thank yourself later.

I do have to question why someone would want to be with a man that is not emotionally available fully, why you would want to share him with someone else, etc.

I believe in Karma. If you know he is married, and continue on with this, you are just as bad as he is. At no point can you claim being a victim, or innocent. Knowledge is power, and you have the knowledge that this man is married, has a child, etc. It takes two to tango, this man (I use that term VERY loosely, because a real man would not do this to his wife and child) is married, he lied to you. BIG RED FLAG. Distance yourself as far as you can from this guy. Sure, he might do this with someone else, but right now you are the enabler. YOU are letting it happen. And who is to say, if in some twisted way he does leave his wife, that the same thing won't happen to you? Once a cheater always a cheater. If I'm being harsh it's because I can't stress enough how bad of a situation this is for you, and even though I'm not God, there are black and white areas (even grey at times), and morally, this is a black area. Walk away from the guy. You'll thank yourself later.

I'm dating a married man. ((how dumb does that sound!))

It sounds more pathetic, disgusting, mean, cruel terrible, heartless... etc

My X Fiancé and I were deeply and love and so happy and because of a girl like you, hell maybe it was you, tore us apart. I HATE CHEATERS! And to be honest you're giving us girls a bad name to which I don't really appreciate and neither do other people I'm sure

I wonder If Perplexed3024 has had a change of heart on the entire situation. She wanted feed back and advice. What are her plans? What has happened since the original post?

Get out quick before he gets you pregnant and leaves you for single woman who didn't let herself go.

When the tables turn, you'll be heartbroken.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perplexed3024

just to admit that... or write it out... def sucked!
I met this man a few months back- about 5 moths ago. I was out with a girlfriend at a bar celebrating a win for our city's NFL football team.... the bar we went to ended up being where most the players ended up so it was pretty fun to celebrate with the actual team. Now i've worked in the entertainment industry for years... so being around celebraties and athletes is quite routine for me.. so it wasnt a big thing at all. I was actually in gym shoes.. jeans... and not really interested in getting picked up- jsut there for a good time. I noticed this one guy.. and although I love football i wasnt sure if he was a player or a coach- but it was obvious he was joining in on the victory b/c he had a bottle of champagne in his hand and a victory cap on. He was suited up.. very sharp.. 6'6, had to be the most handsome man i seen in quite some time. I caught his eye a few times.. and finally about an hr later he passed by me and i stopped him and commented on how good looking he was... told him he should be flattered I even complimented him.. and walked away. I'm pretty confident in nature ... so I knew i would throw him off with my cockiness.. and i did. He came back to me.. and said i made his day..and from there the convo began. We spent the rest of the evening talking.. and after the bar closed his group and my group all went for breakfast. We KIT from then on out.. and it wasnt until he mentioned he had a myspace page- which was about one month into our friendship.. that i realized he was married and expecting a child. At this pt it was all innocent. We had flirted, met for lunch a few times... but i couldnt get upset because he hadnt actually come on to me... i knew he liked me and i was also very attracted to him... but up until that discovery I really had nothing to base it on... but i was upset and i did confront him on it. He said he was sorry he kept it from me... but he didnt know how i'd react to it. We agreed we'd stay as friends.. and at this point i was helping him with some marketing efforts for a business he was starting.... it was all innnocent.... problems started 3 months later- At this point we were very much having feelings for each other. We were spending more and more time together- whether it be to meet for business.. or just a casual lunch- but it evolved mostly through email.. we'd write these lengthy emails... about life in general.. and we realized we had this odd connection their neither of us could explain.. it was like.. we just had to speak on daily basis.. whether through text.. or email.. every morning he'd call me to say good mroning.. and every night to say good night... .. he'd meet me out with my girlfriends.. i'd meet him out with his guys.. but we still hadnt even kissed. We had developed this weird friendship... we'd HUG a lot... and he'd hold me.. we both knew we had feelings but respected his situation. THe day his son was born he came to me after he left the hospital... and thats when i knew we were both falling in love- that night we made love for the first time... 3 and a half months after we met. We knew we were going about this all wrong... because it wasnt just a fling.. we had begun to have feelings. I struggled with this.. what was i doing?? I could have any man i wanted.. and here i am... with a married man. But yet he had become one of closest friends... he and i were so darn compaitble... we'd laugh and joke.. and laugh.. we'd talk about everything and anything... he just made me feel so protected... yet i did the same for him... gave him advice... personally and professionally... then last wk he asked that i come over that he had to talk to me.. i went to meet him at a park. he was sitting on a bench... unkempt.. unshaven.. glassy eyes... he went on to tell me he was getting a divorce before end of year. Mind you- i've never questioned or pressured him abotu this.. he said he was extremely unhappy but he never wanted to disrespect me and discuss this issue with me from fear on my twisting it or translating it as him feeding me waht i want to hear.. he said he hadnt been intimate with his wife in 10 months... that she was his college sweet heart that he rekindled the relationship with about a year and a half ago when he resigned his contract with his NFL team... he felt pressured by family and friends because they all said from here on out after his contract the women he'd meeet would prob be after his millions and not really him.. they all loved his college sweet heart and said he should just get married beacuse it was time. He had dated for years... let all his bachelor ways out.. and he really felt that she could be the one. He recognized their differences.. he was a social butterfly.. outspoken. the jokester... yet she was to herself.. cynical and serious. But he got married.. and only wks after they married he realized he may have made a mistake. She cahnged immediately. He started questioning whether in fact she just did it for his status as well.. because once they married she stopped working... stopped cooking dinner.. stopped taking care of herself.. gained weight and just became insensitive to his career and his well being. Soon after they found out she was pregannt and from there it went down hill. He said when he met me he didnt expect it to evolve.. but it has.. and he feels even stronger for me than he ever did for his wife... that we get along on a level he never did with her... and that he just can't live this way anymore. He has to resign anotehr contract next year and wants to divorce before then b/c tehy dont have a prenumpt. He was on fence about divorce because he adores his son and once he tells his wife he wants one she'll leave back to their home town... which kills him to know he'll be seperated from his child. BUt he said he has to tell me all this.. because at that moment he said he realized he was in love with me. HE said all this and id idnt knowwhat to say back.. it was so much at once.. i just listened quiet.. taking it all in. BUt its a struggle. I dont know how much longer i can do it. i can't wait til the end of year.. i just cant. all this is wrong.. but yet when im with him it just feels so right. I know it was hard for him to sit in front of me and tell me he loves me.. and i didnt reciprocate the feeling... i just stayed quiet... i have never said it to him. but i do feel it. i keep my self guarded b/c i know at end of the day- he's still with her. and i can't even believe its gotten to this pt. I've said i would never be involved with a married man.. yet somehow manage to justify this situation as it being very unique.. but its still wrong. I want to be with him.. i dont want to cut him off.. but i know i have to.. yet now i know hes getting a divorce... so waht do it do.. do i stick it out... yet i know once he does divorce trust issues will be a factor- how can i not think he'd do it to me... he said it wouldnt be teh same.. but of course he's gonna say that... ahhhhh i dont know. Plus i keep having nightmares about Gods wrath.. about sinning.. about committing adultry- im contributing to his sin.. and although im not exactly the most religious person.. i did grow up catholic and i know right from wronga nd i know im sinning! What do i do? Do i wait it out... do i cut him off... he begs me to stay by his side through this.. that he needs me.. that im his angel.. that him his best friend.. that he just needs to get through this year until he comes up with a plan on how he's going to give her the news- that he just wants to wait til the summer is through to tell her... right before season starts... It sucks to see his face on tv.. or news.. or articles... i hadnt realized what a popular player he was until after we were involved.. and it sucks to see that... to know that im in love with this man that is my secret... ((sigh)) What to do.

The best thing you can do is leave this guy alone and try 2 4 get him it really hurts would you like some 1 doing that to you it's the way you want to be treated you treat hun I no your in love but try dating other men 4 get him he's a lowie if he doesn't treat his wife right how is going 2 treat u

What the hell is wrong with you? I didn't need to read the whole story. You screwed him after you knew he left the hospital when his kid was born? In short, that makes you a tramp and a homewrecker. Don't deny it, just accept it, you're a tramp.Period.

I just can't get over the number of adults who don't have control over their own hormones!! If people really put themselves in other people's shoes, I don't think that they would do half the things that they do. How would these girls feel if they were the wife and their husband was doing these same things to them. Again, a leopard does not change his spots and these girls (I honestly cannot call them women because they are not acting like adults and thinking it through) are getting involved with boys (again I cannot call them men) who will most likely turn around and do the same things to them if given the chance.

Homewrecker!! regardless of what he tells you he is probably lying to her just like he's lying to you and the fact that you slept with him and knew he was married doesn't say much for what kind of person you are either. I have been there and believe me it will get you nowhere. If he was really that unhappy he would have left already. I would tell him when you're single call me if I'm not with someone else by then, then maybe we can get together but he needs to figure out what is important. Never leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like will leave you for the one they love

Wow!! Perplexed3024, you really have some issues you need to deal with quick before you get yourself into a bigger mess, like being pregnant. Put yourself in his wife's shoes. How would you feel if you found out... this isn't even the least bit human. Lets hope there isn't more people in the world like you!!