I have a reasonably well behaved daughter but lately every time I try to consequence her she runs to my ex's who is not her biological father and has no legal authority over her. The latest example is this. She had gone out the night before, had very little sleep was really tired and forgot to organize her band practices. Her managers cancelled practice and I relayed the message and she replied to me " I got the ing message, now screw off" So I took her phone away. She literally had an anxiety attack when I grabbed her phone. I told her she could have it to walk to school and back for safety but other than that no. She continued to escalate told me I was stressing her out and took off her to my ex's. This is the 2nd time she has done this and it's a HUGE ego trip for a man that does nothing to support the five children he has. He doesn't raise them, teach them life skills, be santa , the easter bunny or even pay for birthday parties EVER and because of that I am the one that has to discipline my children when needed.. Im the heavy, Im the bad guy... So Off she runs crying and saying how unfair and abusive I am and all the things I do wrong in her life!! I have made numerous sacrifices for her, especially financially so could pursue a music career and have braces. I call my ex telling him he needs to send her home and that he is being completely unsupported and he tells me he is NOT sending her home and that I am pretty much a horrible mother that has ruined her life.. I can't even believe the situation as I type this... Its so ridiculous. AND... if I call the police she is just going to say that she doesn't want to come home because Im abusive... is that!! I can't believe my ex is letting her do this...
Any advice would be appreciated.. Im really stressed!

OH, I really feel for you! My oldest is 11 and she is really mouthy, but thank goodness I haven't ever been spoken to like your child is speaking to you. If I were you, she would begin losing every privilege ever given to her... Cell phone, radio, television, clothes, even her pursuing a "music career". Let her call the police. But I would have called them myself already to let them know that I was on my way to get my daughter from my ex's house. I would explain what she will probably say against you, and cover yourself. Yes, she will hate you. But I would rather be hated and demand respect... than have no respect no control, and sounds like she's not too keen on you right now anyway. Find her currency (in the words of Dr. Phil). And remove it! How is she getting to your ex's house? Cars are privileges too. Just a thought. Whatever you do, remember that this too shall pass, and you are not alone. Blessings.

This is what some children do.. To get there way they will threaten abuse or run to the other parents house until they get in trouble from that parent. I have a close friend who's teenage daughter threatened to call the police because she took away her privaledges and the police arrived and said "do you want me to leave the room why you whip her".. Tell her to call the police, trust me they want do anythig and they have no control over your children. Frankly me and my brother respected my mom in fear that she would bust are butts if we were bad and we never cussed and was very well behaved in and out of school.


I would tell your daughter that if she liked it so much at her ex's house to go move there... Trust me she will not like it at all! She may be thrilled at first but give it a few days, she will just come back to you when they fight or when she needs something. You have to STAND UP, give discipline to her and teach her respect and take away a lot when she is bad.

She has to know that you are the boss and don't dare let her cuss at you. It seems as though she has already got away with too much!! If I ever cussed one word at my mom I would very much regret it. This should have been taught at a much younger age but it may be too late.

She may hate you at first but she will learn and this is the only way that it has to be done is full descipline. I know this is easier said than done because you love your daughter and want to be her friend as well but she has to be taught and punished from her mistaked because how you raise her is how she is going to become as an adult.

We are living in the end times... The times where daughters disrespect there moms and sons disrespect there fathers. The times where children are rebellious toward their parents and have little respect.

Spare the rod and spoil the child doesn't have a room in my house. She reminds me of my mother... long story... I am a child that raised her parent. I would report her as a runaway the next time she took off. Your ex would then be harboring her.

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Originally Posted by flygurl

I have a reasonably well behaved daughter but lately every time I try to consequence her she runs to my ex's who is not her biological father and has no legal authority over her. The lastest example is this. She had gone out the night before, had very little sleep was really tired and forgot to organize her band practices. Her managers cancelled practice and I relayed the message and she replied to me " I got the ing message, now screw off" So I took her phone away. She literally had an anxiety attack when I grabbed her phone. I told her she could have it to walk to school and back for safety but other than that no. She continued to escalate told me I was stressing her out and took off her to my ex's. This is the 2nd time she has done this and its a HUGE ego trip for a man that does nothing to support the five children he has. He doesnt raise them, teach them life skills, be santa , the easter bunny or even pay for birthday parties EVER and because of that I am the one that has to discipline my children when needed..Im the heavy, Im the bad guy...So Off she runs crying and saying how unfair and abusive I am and all the things I do wrong in her life!!! I have made numerous sacrifices for her, especially financially so could pursue a music career and have braces. I call my ex telling him he needs to send her home and that he is being completely unsupported and he tells me he is NOT sending her home and that I am pretty much a horrible mother that has ruined her life..I can't even believe the situation as I type this...Its so ridiculous. AND.....if I call the police she is just going to say that she doesnt want to come home because Im abusive... is that!!! I can't believe my ex is letting her do this...
Any advice would be appreciated..Im really stressed!

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In any case since you are her mother you have the right to hit... not beat her or anything like that, but you can hit her and the police will say the same thing. My mother had asked an officer if they could spank/disapline thei child if they weren't behaving, and they said yes. Also you hsould talk to your ex and ask him if he can stop letting her come over

Explain to the ex, that you will call the police on him next time for interfering with custody or kidnapping because you are refusing him contact with your minor daugter.

And do it,

If she runs over there, drag her back using the police if you have to.

Get a restraining order on the ex in regard to the daughter,
If he knows he is going to lock up for interfering, bet it stops

The root cause of your problems start with you and the ex being adversaries instead of allies. Until you both get on the same page, and support each other, she will always run to daddy for support against you. Call the cops if you have to. Let daddy have her if you must.

Just a small point for readers to note: the OP said this ex is not the biological father. Just thought people might have missed that.

Well a lot has happened since I posted last... firstly thank you for all the feedback!
She has been skipping school now, and going to my ex's and crying that I stress her out too much for her to attend. She refuses to go to counselling but she tells me she feels like killing herself. I found a letter yesterday that said She doesn't want a mother, need a mother and she hates me and wishes I was dead. She took of to the ex's when I confronted her and while she was gone I packed up her whole entire room.
She called me last night and said she didn't have a way to to train to go to band practice. I told her it wasn't my problem and that was the end of the conversation. She doesn't want a mother Im going to let her not have one for a while.
I have had it... she threatened to tell the guidance counsellor my husband beats her ( LIE) he physically picked her up and put her in her room when she told him to off.
It was really hard to not drive her to the train today and do all the things I do for her that she doesn't appreciate but I have no choice... She made me physically sick to the point of vomiting the other day when she listed all the things I have done wrong in her life and flat out said' You are a horrible person and I hate you"

I think you did the right thing... sometimes growing up is hard work and now that she's made her bed it's time she lye in it...

I don't think it has been mentioned here before... where is her biological father and what is his take on all this? If he is an absent parent do you have any close family members she can stay with for awhile? Grandma, aunt?

She has no contact with her bio-dad.
Last night she came by with my ex and seen all her stuff packed. She took it all with her. I am phoning the school on Monday to remind them that no one has legal authority over her other than me therefore not to accept any notes from anyone regarding absence unless from me. She is supposed to be getting a wack of detentions starting Monday for skipping according to the principal.
I could get really really hard *ss but I am trying to avoid calling authorities and taking away her working with her famous managers and such... Funny that according to her Im such a horrible mother, yet I still don't have the heart to play hardball like I potentially can.
She says everything I do makes her want to shoot me... told me that again yesterday. Im so exhausted and drained from the drama.

My sister said wait till the first time she falls ill and wants her mommy. Im not going chasing after her and begging her to come back.. thats what she wants... power over the situation.
As hard as it is that she is talking bad about me, and my husband I have to resist trying to prove to people she is seriously out of control and just hope in the end people will see right through her.

Just going to add my two cents... she is running to your ex because she knows you don't get along and he will support her even if he doesn't think what she is doing is right because it will upset you. She is playing both of you. That said, call the cops. She can make any allegations she wants to. There has to be proof of abuse, and a cocky teen who is mad at her mom for punishing bad behavior isn't going to fool anyone. Go to his house and pick her up. If she refuses, call the cops. If he refuses to let you in to see her, call the cops. Threaten to press charges against him for custodial interference. Report her as a runaway if you have to. I am sure your house is better than juvy hall. You have to take charge of the situation. Make it clear to your ex you will pursue legal action against him if he takes her in and refuses to bring her home or allow you to get her. Make it clear to your daughter you will report her as a runaway every time she pulls these stunts and she will end up locked up. Be strong.

She may need to have a professional, to identify the root cases of her behavior, as it may give you insight, and a starting place, to deal with her behavior. A referral from her doctor, or a call to the mental help facility near you, may give you the name of a good therapist who deals with the issues of young girls, who display this type of behavior. We as parents don't always see the problems are kids are going through, and educating yourself could help you both.

First, you need to cut off her contact with the Ex unless she has your permission to be there for scheduled visits. Advise the ex that if she runs to him, he is to immediately send her or bring her home, or you will contact the police. Advise your daughter that if she goes to his house without your permission that you will contact the police that she has run away. If your ex is not voluntarily cooperative, get a court order of protection barring him from having contact with her.

Your daughter needs a few things. First, she needs counseling to deal with your two severed relationships (or more?) with her father and the ex you mentioned. She needs to work through that list of grievances she rattled off to you in a safe and reasonable environment, and you will need to be honest and take responsibility in front of her for what you have done wrong. It's amazing how much anger at people can be difused when the person takes unequivocated responsibility for the wrongs that resulted in that anger. Do it with a counselor so you have some good boundaries and a third party to make sure the discussion is productive, and not just a new layer of hurt.

She also needs boundaries. She is not at an age where she should be leaving the hosue at all without your express permission. You also need to be tougher. She does not, for example, need a cell phone at her age. Take it away completely and when she is meeting her basic responsibilities and being respectful, she can ask for it back.

She has to have set chores, a set schedule and set responsibilities toward the family.

And she needs a good example. Consider what example you set for her and whether your actions are what you want her to emulate. If not, change.