A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

The bartender brings the sandwich and beer. "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for two weeks. Then one day, the circus comes to town. The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him, "You own the circus? Listen, I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the circus owner, "get him to give me a call."

So, the next day when the duck comes into the pub, the bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I've got it all set. I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck inquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

*claps* brilliant!

Tee hee I love the duck jokes there are a few floating about at the moment but that has to be the best so far :D

It's very similar to the;

A screwdriver rolls into a bar, hops up onto a stool and asks for a pint,

The barman is stunned and exclaims;

"Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

The tool looks puzzled for a second and replies;

"What, you've got a drink called Dave?"

Bangs head on the table lol your getting worse lol

I could do bar jokes all day;

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, they spend all day drinking and get smashed.

As they turn around to leave the giraffe trips over it's long legs and falls across the door of the pub, knocked out cold!

The man just steps over him, about to leave

"OI!" Shouts the bartender "You can't leave that lying there!"

The drunk looks confused for a second, and replies;

"That's a giraffe mate, not a lion!"

Oh my stop now or ill report you to the bad joke police giggle

A guy walks into a bar...

Ouch!

My favorite "drinking joke" :

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with. She thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"

LMAO ashley that was funny