Ask Me Help Desk - I think we've broken up

OK...

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years - we have lived together in the past but about a year ago (we had been arguing) he said he didn't think it was a good idea for us to live together anymore as he didn't want us to argue anymore, we broke up for a couple of days and then agreed to give it 6 months living apart to se if it helped and then we would move back in together if it did. It has helped and we have got on brilliantly, I feel very much in love with him but the sticking issue in our relationship is that he seems very reluctant to try living together again.

I know it seems like I am placing a lot of importance on the living together thing but he has always been someone who doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't think about the future and this worries me.

I saw him last night and we argued because we spoke about living together and he said to me the words 'eventually' which is what he always says. I told him to leave and he went home at about midnight. I then sent him these e mails this morning.

"I need for you to make some decisions.

eventually is not a word i ever want to hear again, that and in a sec make my blood boil, because they mean nothing, eventually is a word that describes something a long way a way, the end of a journey or something.

Im already pretty much at the end of my journey - i told you before i am sick of waiting - you say to me that you dont know what the rush is but this IS the reason for the rush. I need a bit more security and for me that would be if we lived together again. I miss you loads when you arent there, its not been AWFUL obviously but i dont want this anymore, i dont want us going to our separate places - and if you do want that, then you need to question what you want from us, because if thats all you want then just let me go because it isnt enough for me.

It would break my heart completely to break up with you, i love you very much but on the other hand i think i deserve something more after all this time. I think i deserve for someone to know that they want to be with me, for someone to want to think about 'our' future and plan to move back in together again. It would also be nice for you to want to plan to move back in together again, deep down though fitz i know that you dont want this, this is the one sticking point in our relationship. I dont know what you are scared of, if this is a massive thing for you but we do need to get over this somehow. Im not the same person that i was when we first got together, I feel that if we did have a place that we could give one another space to go out and do our own thing - its no different now is it?

Please stop tellin gme what you think i want to hear and tell me how you honestly feel. If you still do not feel ready to give me a bit more after 3 years then we seriously need to think where this is going because im frightened to be honest.

also it would be good if you replied to this and actually gave me some proper answers, i need to know that you care about this as much as i do because at the moment it feels like me pushing and you keep trying to fobb me off - stop doing that, just be honest with me and be my friend. "

He replied with

" I am your friend. and i don't understand why or you're or what you're frightened of.

i don't really know what i want, and that is the truth. whether or not that's enough for you is your choice. i'm an indecisive, piece of sh1t. "

Ive told him that I don't think I can be with him anymore, I've waited a long time and we are really good together, I'm heartbroken because he seems to not realise how serious I am. This is my fault as I have always gone back to him and we've always worked things out. I told him id like to see him tomorrow night but he is going out with his work and will not change this.

Talk to him and see if you two are togther or not

He doesn't want to break up, he wants things to stay the same as they are. I need to see him really to talk about this all properly but for now I've said that I need him to make a decision, is it fair to keep me hanging on like this? To make no plans to build future together?

It sounds as though it is time to tell him that it is time for him to make a decision. "Are we going anywhere with this relationship? Will we move forward or stay stagnant?"

After 3 years you deserve to know where this relationship is going and it is time to make some decisions.

If he is unable to make a decision then you are the one who has to make it. Tell him that you cannot continue to wait and that you have a life to live, with or without him.

I agree, I just feel sick. Really sick. I'm at work at the moment and I'm trying not to cry.

IM just devastated as we have a lot of fun when we are together, I trust him implicitly which is very important to me. I don't want to be without him but I know that I really shouldn't continue things if he cannot make a decision. Hes living rent free with him mum at the moment and though it has been good as we've been able to afford to do more things I need to have more security in our relationship. He doesn't understand this as he thinks that as long as we are together then I should feel this, but I am scared he will never make a decision

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisalou

i agree, i just feel sick. Really sick. im at work at the moment and im trying not to cry.

IM just devestated as we have a lot of fun when we are together, i trust him implicitly which is very important to me. I dont want to be without him but i know that I really shouldnt continue things if he cannot make a decision. Hes living rent free with him mum at the moment and though it has been good as we've been able to afford to do more things I need to have more security in our relationship. he doesnt understand this as he thinks that as long as we are together then i should feel this, but i am scared he will never make a decision

Don't start crying it will just bring you down more... (I'm only 17 and I'm saying all these things)

He is living with his Mum? Hmmmmm, first red flag, unless he is a teen.

A couple needs to make decisions together, if he cannot make a decision it is time for you to move forward.

You see, what you get now is what you will always have if you get married. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

Not at all. And I know that. I've asked myself that question too. I am 25 and he is 24. I'm just not very good at breaking up with people, especially when I love him so much.

My Xboyfriend is 23 almost 24 he will be 24 on Oct the 11th and he is still living with his mom and dad and he's not paying rent... I know how it is to love some with all you hreat

You love him? Or you love the idea of him?

You need to tell him that although you love him, his indecision is pushing you to make a decision that is necessary. That you love him, but you cannot sit back and wait for him.

While you are both still very young, you feel that he is holding you back from experiences in life that you need to explore.

It is him I love, we have fun together, he's a lovely guy, I enjoy our relationship (apart from this) - I know we are young, but we have a pretty solid relationship and were best friends before we got together so he means a lot to me. We've got a lot of mutual friends, we've built a lot together, we look after a band and run a clubnight together and enjoy going on breaks together. Its just this one point... I feel like we agreed six months apart, he's pushed it on till now and still he's not prepared to give me any more though I have been patient. I think he believes that I will not break this off and that things will continue as they have done.

Quote:

"im sorry but if you were about to break up with me, i would move heaven and earth to talk to you and spend time with you - you would rather let me down than let down your workmates that you see every day. I dont know if i am going to go on saturday - i think i need to make you see that i am serious this time. Though i love you as i just said, I think i deserve to know that the person ive just spent nearly 3 years with actually wants to make some plans - like i said, im not talking about marriage, im just ready to move back in together again and enjoy having our own place again.

You make me happy for the most part, its just this, and if i could close my eyes and just pretend that im ko with your indicisiveness then i would but i have done that for months now and it has come to a point where it is neccessary for me to make some decisions. I cannot respect you if you do not make a decision, my resentment will grow and it will be impossible to have a relationship. On the other hand, we could get a place, see how that goes - id feel a lot happier about things and I think we can be happy together. I have relaxed into our relationship, you have your freedom and i have mine and i would not expect that to change.

I want you to decide, but it is over if you cannot."

I saw him on Thursday evening, we talked. He thinks we would argue if we lived together but personally I think this is a screen because he feels that if we move in together that would be settling down. Our relationship is pretty good in every other way. Las t night I went out with my friends, he went out with his workmates - we discussed that he might come stay back at mine. Anyway, I tried to call him at about 11 and got no answer, I think he was in a club - he text me at 2am to say that he was going back to his mums as he has no clothes at mine. Thing is, I don't understand why on earth it is so hard for him to contact me before I go to sleep to let me know what's going on. I walked home las tnight alone and crying because I feel like I don't have a relationship. After this amount of time I feel less secure now than ever before. When he calls me this morning I am not going to answer. I have never been one for playing games but I feel that he has every thing he wants and I need to shock him somehow. I am not strong enough to break off with him, I am going to basically see the summer through and then decide how I feel. In the meantime I am not going to be there when he wants me, I'm feeling quite angry at the moment and I'm determined to make him work for me, and not the other way round as it has been for quite some time.

Have you been living apart for 6 months already?

Yes. And I know I may be stupid for hanging around. He says that he loves me and sees a future for us and he's not sure why I put so much importance on living together, but for mei just feel like I should have more commitment from him at this stage.

He has text me this morning and said that he was in a bar underground but that he should have text me before and that he is sorry he didn't. I haven't responded. Im going to try to not be angry when I do finally see him - later on today we have a clubnight on that we run together so I will see him then. He pursued me for 7 months before we got together, we were best friends and he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, he treated me like a princess. He still doesn't treat me badly really apart from this, he will go out and not tell me his plans, I think from now on for the time being I am going to act like I did before we got together, I'm not going to hassle him, I'm going to get on with my life, not jump every time he calls and I'm going to make him work for it again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisalou

not at all. and i know that. ive asked myself that question too. I am 25 and he is 24. im just not very good at breaking up with people, especially when i love him so much.

Well... nobody is :)

Listen... don't wait for other people for things to happen.
This person does not know what he wants...
What are you going to do ?
Sit around and wait till he is ready ?

Good luck

Quote:

He still doesn't treat me badly really apart from this,

He is perfect, but he can't commit after all this time.

Quote:

I think from now on for the time being I am going to act like I did before we got together, I'm not going to hassle him, I'm going to get on with my life, not jump every time he calls and I'm going to make him work for it again.

This sounds like a plan of someone who loves themselves and deserves better than they are getting. Love it!!

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Quote:

Think from now on for the time being I am going to act like I did before we got together, I'm not going to hassle him, I'm going to get on with my life, not jump every time he calls and I'm going to make him work for it again.>>

Exactly do that. Keep a firm step behind and find your own happiness.
He probably needs to find his own hapiness and work on his own issues for now, while living apart,

Forget the questions for now and just get on with your own life, 6 months more will see where things are going.

Meet new people, get new activities, don't depend on him for your hapiness as it seems like you have been doing. Live your life and don't be available every time he picks up the phone. Let him do all the contact, and let him pursue you.

We see one another obn arranged days - like ill see him usually fridays, sat and half of sun, then he comes to mine on tues and thurs - so should I stick to this do you think?

We are going away this weekend too, it was meant to be with friends but now its just us two, going to stay in a wig wam for the weekend! I think maybe it's a blessing its just us two now, we are going to go fishing, go quad biking and stuff like that. No TV no nothing and a very long drive to get there. Im going to try not to mention anything as I spent a lot of this weekend talking to him and trying to figure out what the problem is.

It only took you a few days to waiver. Let him go alone. Why should he have his cake and eat it too?? Why are you allowing him to have fun at your expense? If your going to go along with the program quite bittching.