I have been in an abusive marriage for ten years. . I have made the decision to leave my husband. I have three wonderful children, whom I have talked to about the upcoming separation. My two young girls seemed to handle it well. My 10 year old son , however, is having a difficult time with this. He doesn't want us to leave his daddy, and he stated that he would like to live with his dad. I was so devastated and hurt by this. I know that my husband is not capable of raising my son--my son knows that his father has been very mean to me. I know my son loves his father- and he has every right to. What should I do? I feel trapped---like I must stay in this abusive relationship to keep from making my son upset. I am so torn. Please help.

It is perfectly normal for your son to want to stay with his dad. Children naturally resist change, just as adults do. But its not a decision for a 10 year old to make. Right now you need to worry about you because if in fact you are being abused, its not right for the children to see this happening. Call a counselor if you can to help you with this transisition. And maybe you should wait until you know exactly what you want to do, until you discuss it with your children. And believe me I am not trying to talk you out of it, but it is hard on everyone to endure a separation or divorce.

Being the adult and the parent... this decision should be solely yours. The children are not in a position to make an informed, educated, mature decision. Your son is acting on his feelings not what is "right". It's up to you to do what is best for you and the kids. It sounds like your looking for a reason to stay. This is one of the last reasons you can come up with... While your son may not want his parents to be divorced, he has no idea of what life could be like without fighting/arguing between his parents. Also, by staying with an abusive spouse your teaching your children that abuse is acceptable. Your son is going to be especially sensitive to these unintended lessons as boys typically are... If you believed the situation warranted you leaving before you talked to your son... it should warrant you leaving after talking to him. You should have only TOLD him what your going to do not ask permission. Look inside yourself... are you looking for a reason to stay?

Thank you so much for your response. That really helps me to put things into perspective. I am just feeling a lot of fear right now. This relationship is all that I have ever known,and stepping out on my own for the first time with three children feels a bit frightening... What if I fail? What if I make the biggest the mistake of my life? What if he moves on, and I never can? Just throwing some things out there- I am feeling overwhelmed.

You are the adult and while we need to take children's feelings into I don't think this is one of those times. This child has seen your husband doing mean things to you.
I would take my children and leave before this young man grows up to feel that being abusive to woman is acceptable. He seems to be at risk for this.
I know being on your own can be scary, but there are many resources out there to help you.
For me nothing could be more scary than to think I could be giving the message to my boy that abuse is OK.
My last response is to remember that leaving is the most dangerous time for you. Plan well and get some outside help for yourself. They can take you in, teach you a job skill and help you find a place to live and work.
Don't try this alone. There are many resources for you. This is a very hot subject right now and there are a lot of people willing to help you. You just need to take action and make those calls.

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Originally Posted by teachermama3

Thank you so much for your response. That really helps me to put things into perspective. I am just feeling a lot of fear right now. This relationship is all that I have ever known,and stepping out on my own for the first time with three children feels a bit frightening... What if I fail? What if I make the biggest the mistake of my life? What if he moves on, and I never can? Just throwing some things out there- I am feeling overwhelmed.

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All valid concerns. Just surround yourself with as many supportive friends and family as you can. A good support system is very important on those days you do feel overwhelmed. But know that you are not alone. I am a single mom of 6 kids. It can be hard but it won't be a bigger mistake than staying and allowing your son to be taught the wrong lesson. You can and will move on. It probably will seem easier for him, it usually does, because it is easier to do that when you don't have the daily responsibilities of being a full time parent. But it isn't impossible. :)

My mom was in an abusive relationship and (as a daughter Im sure its different) I was about 8 almost 9 when my mom decided to leave him. Im not sure if she would have if he hadn't slapped me across the room, even then I didn't want anyone to know or think badly of my dad. But at 21 with 2 children of my own I can confidently say with out a doubt this was the best decision she could have ever made. Not only because it kept her safe, but it taught me to be strong and confident in myself. I will never be a victim of an abusive relationship. My mom is my best friend now and I love her very much. She kept me safe even though it took a lot of guts.