Four Years Wasted

Hi, my name is Tricia and I am twenty-one years old. I have spent four years with my husband in marriage and I can’t stand being with him. At first everything was fine. He treated me with respect. We enjoyed doing a lot of things together. Now, I am at the bottom of his totem poll. He talks to me as if he is ashamed of me. I can’t express how I feel without him getting defensive. And when I say something he doesn’t want me to say, he tells me to “shut up” or “quit saying that.” My family is sick of him telling what I can or can’t say. I can’t go use the restroom in my own house without him asking “where are you going?” “What are you doing?”
He treats his mother and sister and brother with more respect then he does for me and I am supposed to be his wife. If I like something and he doesn’t agree with it he lets me know. But if his family agrees with it well then it is OK for me to like it.

I am overweight. It isn’t easy to lose weight like most people. I have tried so many diets. I have tried exercising. I have even also tried eating right. It is hard to do when my spouse calls be a FAT A**, FAT BIT**, he says things like “you know you can’t do it” or “what a waste of money.” I have confronted him about it. Do you know what his excuse is? He says, “I am only saying that to motivate you.”
Yeah, gives me motivation to eat more. I am so unhappy right now, often at times I wonder if I would be better off not here on earth. He makes me feel unwanted, ugly, and of course FAT. It is tough to live with someone who is supposed to love you but instead loves to make you hurt in my case.

I can’t have children of my own. I have what they call Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So, I am in the process of a private adoption. I am already taking care of the child. I want to give this child the best life. Happy home, happy parents. I am stuck on this one. You know what my husband says? If you leave, they won’t let you keep him. I am stuck because I am in love with this baby and I don’t know what I am going to do without him. The other hand, I am going to waste more years with a man with whom I fell out of love with. He often tells me I am a bad mother. But I do everything I am supposed to do.

I don’t want to be with him. Does anyone have advice for me? I am tired, I don’t have the energy to deal with him anymore.

Sincerely,
Tricia

Can you talk to his family? Sice they are the only ones who he will listen to you might need to get a medium to talk to him
Other than that I would say to do what you can to better yourself, but make it obvious its for your benefit not his.
Diet and excersize need time to start working, sometimes months of endurance, and a lot of dedication. You need at least 2 hours a day of excersize, anda s a woman focused on losing weight I woul focus solely on cardio, not any type of muscle building which could make you bulk up.
When he talks badly to you, just ignore it, as hard as that might be, or tell him that that's a matter of opinion.
Don't let him think that he has anything to do with you working out, therefore rewarding his bad bahavior.
Just do it... and act like your husband is a bad roommate that you need to stay with, for the time being.

As far as the adoption goes - since it is not complete - he maybe right. You could lose your son if you leave.
You do not have to take this kind of thing from him or anyone.
I would suggest counseling.
I know he is verbally abusing you. Has he ever physically abused you?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NowWhat

as far as the adoption goes - since it is not complete - he maybe right. You could lose your son if you leave.
You do not have to take this kind of thing from him or anyone.
I would suggest counseling.
I know he is verbally abusing you. Has he ever physically abused you?

---

Most of it is verbally. There has been a time where he pushed me around a bit which is no excuse. My son I would still keep him. It was a private adopion. I knew the mother and she doesn't want him I have all legal custady over him. My husband is meaning that he will take him and not let me see him ever again. As for counseling. He doesn't think anything is wrong. It is like he forgets what he says or does.

Oh, so the adoption is final? Well, good luck to him getting your child away from you.
It takes a lot to get a kid from his mother. That has to be the oldest tactic in the world. "Fine, leave - but leave my kids when you do." He is trying to scare you.

When it comes to situations like this - you don't ASK him to go to counseling. You tell him this is what is happening and if you want this to work you will be there. If he doesn't show - then you know what you need to do.

Regarding polycystic ovarian syndrome. I too have this condition. The real deal is to find an endocronologist who is willing to treat this syndrome. I finally found one lost over 50 pounds, and with meds can become pregnant. If I wanted.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anthony12345

divorce with him, well talk to him and say hes and idiot, then divorce, then come to me baby

---

Just what she needs - another loser.

Before you do anything rash. What is most important right now is to introduce counseling. Counseling is very important. If he does not want to be an willing partisipant. Well guess what, Go on your own and work on yourself.

That is what you need right now. How did it get this far, and when did this emotional, verbal abuse start? Was there a defining moment when this behaviour started?

Just would like to get to the bottom of the cause of this behaviour from your husband. Divorce is not always the best or the first answer in a situation. Of course, everybodies situation is different.

Get into counseling and go from there and best wishes to you and your baby.

Joe

Dear Tricia, I am sorry you are going through such a bad time. Here is the good news: there is life after the drama. When people treat other people with complete disrespect it is because they do not feel good about themselves. They have to step on others to make themselves feel better. Yes, you should be number one, cherished, not the total opposite. Beauty comes from within. Your husband obviously does not appreciate the beautiful person that he promised to cherish forever. So, kick him to the curb, take the trash out, good luck with your adoption.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sunshine2

Dear Tricia, I am sorry you are going through such a bad time. Here is the good news: there is life after the drama. When people treat other people with complete disrespect it is because they do not feel good about themselves. They have to step on others to make themselves feel better. Yes, you should be number one, cherished, not the total opposite. Beauty comes from within. Your husband obviously does not appreciate the beautiful person that he promised to cherish forever. So, kick him to the curb, take the trash out, good luck with your adoption.

---

:p very good!

I know you are in a bad situation. But you must not try to fix him. He is who he is and what he choose's to be. He probably swept you off your feet, and as soon as he felt he had you in his grasp he slowly began mistreating you. Also he will give in to you , maybe a cat, a dog, a baby so that he can hold on to you through that. You must do a lot of reading and go to domestic abuse classes, to even begin to understand how people like him operate... you will hear many storys that are different in events but just alike in the end. The end is that the abusers mistreats you, but always he has a good reasion for it. He may say it is to make you strong, to make you be a better person, to make you less sensitive. His family will probably not be much help as he came from that family and they feed into his sickness or possibly the same as he is, in varying degrees. You must focus on your own healing. Ask yourself why you allow another human to treat you in this way? Who in your life told you that women should take that kind of crap. Was it your familly. Did your mother or father put up with abuse? Was it in t.v. shows that you soaked in your young brain? Was it in the music that you sang everyday. Was it popular in school to get attention because your boyfriend mistreated you? There is a reason why you have allowed this to go on this long. And Dear You must be willing to search and find out why? Do not try and force him into counseling, You go and get yourself help, Just leaving him is not the answer, There are millions of men just like him in this world and many would probably be glad to take his place. They are just waiting for a victim that they can bully. You must love and resepct yourself. Miss please, do a lot of soul searching I would really hate to see someone of your age, to continue on this path of soul destruction. From this day forward, every morning look in the mirror and say "I Choose to Be" You choose to be whatever you or whomever you want to be. Never give another human that control. Peace be with you

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bushg

I know you are in a bad situation. But you must not try to fix him. He is who he is and what he choose's to be. He probably swept you off your feet, and as soon as he felt he had you in his grasp he slowly began mistreating you. Also he will give in to you , maybe a cat, a dog, a baby so that he can hold on to you through that. You must do a lot of reading and go to domestic abuse classes, to even begin to understand how people like him operate...you will hear many storys that are different in events but just alike in the end. The end is that the abusers mistreats you, but always he has a good reasion for it. He may say it is to make you strong, to make you be a better person, to make you less sensitive. His family will probably not be much help as he came from that family and they feed into his sickness or possibly the same as he is, in varying degrees. You must focus on your own healing. Ask yourself why you allow another human to treat you in this way? Who in your life told you that women should take that kind of crap. Was it your familly. Did your mother or father put up with abuse? Was it in t.v. shows that you soaked in your young brain? was it in the music that you sang everyday. Was it popular in school to get attention because your boyfriend mistreated you? There is a reason why you have allowed this to go on this long. And Dear You must be willing to search and find out why? Do not try and force him into counseling, You go and get yourself help, Just leaving him is not the answer, There are millions of men just like him in this world and many would probably be glad to take his place. They are just waiting for a victim that they can bully. You must love and resepct yourself. Miss please, do a lot of soul searching I would really hate to see someone of your age, to continue on this path of soul destruction. From this day forward, every morning look in the mirror and say "I Choose to Be" You choose to be whatever you or whomever you want to be. Never give another human that control. Peace be with you

---

That was awesome!

You deserve better than this and so does your son. Do you really want this kind of role model for your son? I agree that you should try marriage counseling and if he doesn't show then you owe it to yourself and to your son to get a divorce. My mom raised me by herself for quite a while and those were some great years for me, even though financially it wasn't easy. It is very hard for a father to get a child from a mother unless your abusive or can't provide for him.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by underappreciated

Four Years Wasted

Hi, my name is Tricia and I am twenty-one years old. I have spent four years with my husband in marriage and I can’t stand being with him. At first everything was fine. He treated me with respect. We enjoyed doing a lot of things together. Now, I am at the bottom of his totem poll. He talks to me as if he is ashamed of me. I can’t express how I feel without him getting defensive. And when I say something he doesn’t want me to say, he tells me to “shut up” or “quit saying that.” My family is sick of him telling what I can or can’t say. I can’t go use the restroom in my own house without him asking “where are you going?” “What are you doing?”
He treats his mother and sister and brother with more respect then he does for me and I am supposed to be his wife. If I like something and he doesn’t agree with it he lets me know. But if his family agrees with it well then it is ok for me to like it.

I am overweight. It isn’t easy to lose weight like most people. I have tried so many diets. I have tried exercising. I have even also tried eating right. It is hard to do when my spouse calls be a FAT A**, FAT BIT**, he says things like “you know you can’t do it” or “what a waste of money.” I have confronted him about it. Do you know what his excuse is? He says, “I am only saying that to motivate you.”
Yeah, gives me motivation to eat more. I am so unhappy right now, often at times I wonder if I would be better off not here on earth. He makes me feel unwanted, ugly, and of course FAT. It is tough to live with someone who is supposed to love you but instead loves to make you hurt in my case.

I can’t have children of my own. I have what they call Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So, I am in the process of a private adoption. I am already taking care of the child. I want to give this child the best life. Happy home, happy parents. I am stuck on this one. You know what my husband says? If you leave, they won’t let you keep him. I am stuck because I am in love with this baby and I don’t know what I am going to do without him. The other hand, I am going to waste more years with a man with whom I fell out of love with. He often tells me I am a bad mother. But I do everything I am supposed to do.

I don’t want to be with him. Does anyone have advice for me? I am tired, I don’t have the energy to deal with him anymore.

Sincerely,
Tricia

---

Hi tricia,
Keep your head up girl.when I was reading your post it reminded me of me in a lot of what you said. I am not married but engaged and I feel the same as you because I'm losing wait but it's hard.you understand. I stay angry at him so much that it seems as if it's turning into rage. Because I feel as if he is trying to control me in every form possible. If I don't answer his call it's an argument, if I don't pick him up from work it's an argument, if I don't say what he wants to hear it's an argument so I understand totally. I am to the point of walking out the door.

I forgot something earlier. Don't lose weight for him; if your losing it for yourself remember its not for him that way when he is being a jerk you can remind yourself and maybe him its not for him anyway so what does it matter if your not up to his standards in weight loss.