Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend says she loves me, but is not in love with me. Says she needs time alone?

My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years has recently moved out, and she says that she loves me as a person, but is not in love with me anymore. We had only been living together for 2 months, and she has ended it. Before this, we were both madly in love. I thought she was the one, and she thought I was the one. Now she says all of this to me, and she says that she needs alone time? I love her more than anything in the world, and only want to get her back. It's only been about 1 week, and I find myself lost, and with no hope. I have asked her if there is any chance we can fix things, and she says " Right now, I am not sure if we will be together again, in that way" She still tells me she misses me, and that she loves me, but it is all so confusing. I just need help to figure out this whole situation. I know I want to be with her, but I don't know what it is going to take to win her heart back? She says that there are many reasons for her feeling this way. She says that she felt as though she "lost" herself, and that I would always say one thing and do another. She also says that she didn't feel as though she could hang out with her friends as much anymore. The thing about this, is that I never had any problems with her being her friends! I am not the controlling type, and never said anything except "Have fun, I love you!" Man, I'm confused! Sorry if this sounds like a bunch of jibber jabber, but you know how it goes!

This is common. Unfortunately, people can drift apart like this. You can't make her anything... meaning you cannot make her come back.

And really, you don't want to make her come back. What you really want is for her to come running back and begging for another chance. You want her to need to be with you. At least that's what you should want.

And until she does, you need to live like its not going to happen. She left for a reason, or reasons.

Sometimes a relationship can be great for a time... and then the time changes. I know I've had 2 fantastic relationships end because of "bad timing"... it happens.

So... I know you don't want to hear this... but you need to move on and live without her. Waiting for her to come back does you absolutely nothing except delay your moving forward. She has already taken this step, and is likely to keep moving on.

Its just the truth. I've been where you are a couple of times. You can fight it all you want. Hurts like hell and then some. But... all you can do is pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other.

I lost my first great love... only to find my next great love... and lose her... and find another... and lose again... and eventually I found one that stuck. Its just how its done.

There really isn't an easy way to break up with someone. Sounds like she's being honest with you. The reality is that you aren't going to be able to win her back simply because her feelings for you have changed. That's just the way life is sometimes. It's time for you to move forward with your life, busy your time with friends and family.

Sounds exactly like my story. Same thing, we were together for 18 months, living together, he told me I was the one, I was ready to marry him and then one day out of nowhere he decides to break up with me. I got the same line as you, I love you but I am not in love with you. I don't really know what that means, and I totally understand how you feel... my ex said he tried to give me signs and hints along the way that he felt this way, but I'm not a mind reader, I thought we were beyond signs and hints... so yeah its been two months since he broke up with me and as far as I know he has moved on. All I can say is that I definitely feel a lot better now then I did two months ago. It still sucks, I get depressed all the time and I'm always thinking about him. But day by day it has been easier and I'm sure it will be for you too. Just hang in there and try to keep busy. There really is nothing you can do to convince her to come back. It has to be on her terms, otherwise you are just going to push her further away and mean while you won't be healing and moving on. Wow I should really take my own advice. Its so much easier said then done though.

Thanks for the responses guys! I guess, because I have never been through this, I am not sure exactly how it works. I know there is no standard text, or theory behind it, but it's just confusing. I guess because I feel like I know her so well, I just have this feeling that things will be OK in time. All of my friends keep telling me that the best way to get her back is to give her space. Don't talk to her, don't see her, and just let her be. They are trying to convince me that this is going to make her miss me more, and eventually she may come back. They said that this is really my only chance at this point. I guess my biggest concern is that I am not sure how this works. I don't see how this makes a girl want to be with you? All I know is that I can't give up on this girl. I am willing to move forward with my life, because I am not the kind of person to curl up in a ball for 2 weeks and cry. Some advice on this would be great!

Here's the reality.

The only thing that you can do is move on.
The female mind is not loical when it comes to romance. They need time to miss you.

Now I am not saying that she just needs time to think things over and then she'll come back to you. This could certainly happen. Women do surprise you every now and then. Wish her well and then simply cut off all contact.

If she gets to the point where she misses you enough to come bacck then be cautious but enjoy it while it lasts. If someone leaves once, chances are they will leave again. NOt pretty.

Word of caution... DO NOT LET HER STRING YOU ALONG. In other words if she calls and says that she misses you but doesn't really make the effort to get back with you then she is just toying with you and you need to tell her to make up her mind and only if she is committed tto you can she come back.

As for moving on... man there simply isn't any easy way to do it. Well there is, but it can backfire. Go get another girl. One that you like and that makes you fforget the old one. However this is not the best cure. It only defelcts pain and does not, in the end make you a better, stronger person.

The best way is to face itt head on, enjoy being on your own. Get to know yourself again. Use this time to take up hobbies or activities that you've always wanted to but never had the chance... d stuff like that. Take the time to heal yourself and in a few months you will be abbsolutely fine. Guarantee. You will wak eup one day and think to yourself that you did not even think about her once the day before and then you know you are on your way to being just fine

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

this is common. unfortunately, people can drift apart like this. you can't make her anything... meaning you cannot make her come back.

and really, you dont want to make her come back. what you really want is for her to come running back and begging for another chance. you want her to need to be with you. at least thats what you should want.

and until she does, you need to live like its not going to happen. she left for a reason, or reasons.

sometimes a relationship can be great for a time... and then the time changes. i know ive had 2 fantastic relationships end because of "bad timing"... it happens.

so... i know you dont want to hear this... but you need to move on and live without her. waiting for her to come back does you absolutely nothing except delay your moving forward. she has already taken this step, and is likely to keep moving on.

its just the truth. ive been where you are a couple of times. you can fight it all you want. hurts like hell and then some. but... all you can do is pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other.

i lost my first great love... only to find my next great love... and lose her... and find another... and lose again... and eventually i found one that stuck. its just how its done.

Wonderful advice. I'd like to add that you have to cut her off. She might try and keep you on a string while she tests the waters of the unknown. Remember, she is the one that left she lost the privilege of having you dote on her and support her. You are no longer an emotional booster nor should you be. People can easily say they love you, but I think it is best to judge love by actions. She has taken one of the most obvious actions against the love you had, which is to leave it. The only thing you can do is let time and fate mold the outcome. If she truly loves you she will come running and beg for you back, but you cannot hope to influence that, because if she doesn't come to this realization on her own then is it really a product of her own desire? Have some gusto,realize many people go through the same thing only to learn and grow from it, and move on. Take this situation as a learning one. Do not, I repeat, do not pick up her calls because she is lonely or because she is feeling guilty. Unless she blatantly calls you and says I made a mistake and I want to work it out, you have to take a bow and say good night. Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jshrckstar

My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years has recently moved out, and she says that she loves me as a person, but is not in love with me anymore. We had only been living together for 2 months, and she has ended it. Before this, we were both madly in love. I thought she was the one, and she thought I was the one. Now she says all of this to me, and she says that she needs alone time? I love her more than anything in the world, and only want to get her back. It's only been about 1 week, and I find myself lost, and with no hope. I have asked her if there is any chance we can fix things, and she says " Right now, I am not sure if we will be together again, in that way" She still tells me she misses me, and that she loves me, but it is all so confusing. I just need help to figure out this whole situation. I know I want to be with her, but I dont know what it is going to take to win her heart back? She says that there are many reasons for her feeling this way. She says that she felt as though she "lost" herself, and that I would always say one thing and do another. She also says that she didnt feel as though she could hang out with her friends as much anymore. The thing about this, is that I never had any problems with her being her friends! I am not the controlling type, and never said anything except "Have fun, I love you!" Man, I'm confused! Sorry if this sounds like a bunch of jibber jabber, but you know how it goes!

Hey jshrckstar, I know this question has been posted 2 years ago, but I did a search on Google in regards to relationships and it has landed me on this thread. I can pretty much say that I recently came across a similar situation as yours. My girlfriend of 1.2 years has recently ended our relationship just like that. The only difference to our situation is that our relationship started as a long distance relationship, I lived in new zealand and she lives in melbourne, australia.

She said the same line "she loves me but she is NOT IN LOVE with me"...

Just a background check with our relationship, we started with long distance relationship, I came over April 2008 to visit her for 10 days and it was awesome! I finally got to see her again, for the first time as my girlfriend. When I got back from nz, it was back to being long distance relationship again, we missed each other so much as the days go by of us being apart again. I came over again July 2008 for her birthday and again, it was awesome! Although when I got back, when August came by, she nearly broke up with me, because her reasoning was she wasn't ready to commit and that she was overwhelmed with all the love and affection I give her. For me its only normal to do that as she is my girlfriend. The very next day, she was fine and we were all good and back together again.

When December 2008 came, I also visited, only this time, it was longer, I stayed for 3 weeks! She even said it herself that she really loved it and that she would have been distant if it wasn't for my December visit as she realised and convinced herself that she really loves me and that this is it.

Now this March 2009 I came to melbourne to live and stayed with my parents while I look for a place to stay. The first few weeks, we were great! She was saying all these things that she missed me and that she doesn't want to break up with me. Then late march, her cousin came and I gave her time to spend time with her cousin. I told her this and she said it was cool. During the days went by, she became very distant and blunt with me. Then last Sunday, she broke it off and gave the reason above. She said "I dont want to lie to myself and to you, if we stay together, our relationship will be a complete lie"

After some dramas, I left and she kept calling me but I never picked it up and obviously I was devastated... its only been 2 days and I'm slowly moving on just what the expert says.

It all happened too fast but I could already see it coming with her bluntness and her being distant. I just can't believe she said all those things and have just broken it all off like this. She also said she's confused with her career and our relationship...

What could be the reason to this?
Maybe she just got used to me?
Maybe she couldn't handle the fact that I was living here in melbourne already?
Maybe she took me for granted?
Maybe she was just occupied with her cousin being there that's why she didn't miss me as much, but if she really loves me, she would have missed me...

How's everything anyway? I bet you have moved on with your life