Ask Me Help Desk - I hate the fact that I lie

I feel so low about myself at the moment, largely because of the lies I tell people, especially my friends and family. I have a problem with being honest and it gets me so down.
My brother is gay and getting married but I can't bring myself to tell any of my friends because I think they will react badly to it but it's really upseting me that I feel the need to keep it a secret.
None of my friends know much about my past - I was really depressed when I was younger, I've never had a boyfriend, I went to a private school (but none of my friends did so I don't want to admit to it).
There are so many instants in my life when I have lied because I think the truth will make me stand out and make people dislike me. At the time it seems easier to lie but now I hate the fact because for the first time in my life I actually have a group of friends I get on with. I don't know what to do because being honest with them now will surely just make them think I'm strange and not worth staying in contact with, or at least it will completely change their perception of me and I'll end up back where I started. I know this problem sounds trivial and there are far worse things people deal with but any advice or anyone in a similar situation please help!

The first thing is to learn to answer questions honestly but without having to lie. The easiest way is to stop talking. For example- "So hows your brother?" you then simply say he's doing well he's very happy. If they ask if he's getting married you say and when they ask who the lucky lady is you can simply say something like< "Weve yet to meet but Ive heard alot of nice things". Are you getting it?
Imagine you went somewhere you didn't want your parents to know about, rather than lie simply omit that part. Oh we went shopping(at 7-11 while getting gas) went out to eat(again at 7-11) and we hung out and talked(while driving to where you were going).
The second advice I can offer is to remember that by accepting things about other people is not a sign of agreement. Just because you learn to accept the fact that your brother is gay does not mean in any way that you agree with it. I often have to remind my boyfriend about this. Hes always arguing with me about my feelings. Just because he doesn't agree doesn't mean he can't accept them. I couldn't care less if he agrees. THey are my feelings and they are real to me. I just want him to accept them as my truth. Are you getting what I am saying. I think if once you learn to accept then you might find that you aren't embarrassed by other people.
Also by not having to make immature comments such as "oh my fag brother"
Or whatever will only make YOU look bad and immature. So accept the people in your life and accept your past. Get the lessons you learned out of it and be grateful for what you got out of it. I understand people can be judgemental so disclose your past as you feel comfortable. Just learn to be comfortable with it yourself. You did the best you could. We all are doing the best we can. SO STOP JUDGING!

You don't need to lie, just whenever you would normally lie, either be honest, or just don't give them an answer, just say ud rather not answer or change the subject.
Lies catch up to you mate, they have a habit of growing bigger.
Also, treasure is right, your better off if you don't judge, if you be judgemental, then you will not leave a good impression on people. One of the biggest issues that I face as a christian when dealing with atheist people, is that they believe that all christians are very judgemental.

I'd rather have people dislike me for who I am than creating a life of lies. You're too critical of yourself. Be honest because of eventually that little web of yours will cave. Besides if your friends can't accept who you are because you're honest then they are not friends at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rettop

I feel so low about myself at the moment, largely because of the lies i tell people, especially my friends and family. I have a problem with being honest and it gets me so down.
My brother is gay and getting married but i can't bring myself to tell any of my friends because I think they will react badly to it but it's really upseting me that i feel the need to keep it a secret.
None of my friends know much about my past - i was really depressed when i was younger, I've never had a boyfriend, i went to a private school (but none of my friends did so i dont want to admit to it).
There are so many instants in my life when I have lied because I think the truth will make me stand out and make people dislike me. At the time it seems easier to lie but now i hate the fact because for the first time in my life I actually have a group of friends I get on with. I don't know what to do because being honest with them now will surely just make them think I'm strange and not worth staying in contact with, or at least it will completely change their perception of me and I'll end up back where i started. I know this problem sounds trivial and there are far worse things people deal with but any advice or anyone in a similar situation please help!

Lies are soooooo mentally draining... like carrying around a sack of bricks, they just pull you down and the charade is usually uncovered in time. They just make things worse. Stick to the truth... it's so refreshing. And you know what, the truth only hurts once. I would rather have people accept me with all my scars, warts and tattoo's then keep them covered up for appearances sake. And I will bet you that your "friends" have their demons they lie about. You are who you are... my Dad used to say, "If at the end of your life the one true friend you have is yourself, you've had a good life". Once you accept yourself, others will... some of my friends went to private school ( I haven't burned them at the stake), a friend of mine has been married four times ( still a great guy) and I have friends that don't go to church on Sundays (but I don't think they will burn in hell). If you want to stand out, be you... it's what you do best. Give yourself a break... you probably ignored your best attributes (your intelligence, sense of humor,smile) because of what OTHERS might think... don't let their perceptions ever, ever control you... you will be o.k. I just know it...

I just wanted to say thank you for replying to my post, I really appreciate people taking time to write advice. And I do agree with you, I know it is better for people to accept you as you really are but I guess it's just taken me a while to realise. I have been so bothered in the past about making sure that people like me that I suppose I didn't care whether it meant not being honest. I think sometimes I forget that its actually okay to have things about you that aren't so great and that people will still be able to accept it.
Thanks once again for the replies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rettop

I feel so low about myself at the moment, largely because of the lies i tell people, especially my friends and family. I have a problem with being honest and it gets me so down.
My brother is gay and getting married but i can't bring myself to tell any of my friends because I think they will react badly to it but it's really upseting me that i feel the need to keep it a secret.
None of my friends know much about my past - i was really depressed when i was younger, I've never had a boyfriend, i went to a private school (but none of my friends did so i dont want to admit to it).
There are so many instants in my life when I have lied because I think the truth will make me stand out and make people dislike me. At the time it seems easier to lie but now i hate the fact because for the first time in my life I actually have a group of friends I get on with. I don't know what to do because being honest with them now will surely just make them think I'm strange and not worth staying in contact with, or at least it will completely change their perception of me and I'll end up back where i started. I know this problem sounds trivial and there are far worse things people deal with but any advice or anyone in a similar situation please help!

I think you are worrying too much about what you think others will say or think about you. If they are a true friend they will be happy that you trust them to open up about yourself and your past. Too keep a life of shame bottled up is a very hard thing to do. I have 2 girlfriends that I confide in for everything. Every low point in my life and every high point. My girlfriends never judge me - they just try to giveme honest advice to help me through whatever obstacle I am going through at that point in my life. You aren't giving your friends enough credit. Gay relationships are very common in today's society and many people are accepting. If they aren't they can just choose not to be around your brother and his partner. No biggie. Stop worrying. We get one short life and we have to live it to the fullest capacity with no worries-no regrets. Every bad thing we ever did or went through we did to learn from... Move forward and trust others...

Sweetheart, first of all I agree with everyone's advice above. You do not need to lie about anything. Going to a private school in the past is really not as horrible or weird as you make it sound. Having a relative who is gay is not as socially unnaceptable as it was many years ago. You are being way to hard on yourself. If you let people think that stuff bothers you then they will focus on it as well. If you answer their questions like its no big deal, they won't think it's a big deal either. So when someone asks you where you went to school, you just say oh yea my folks made me go to a private school for a while, then I came here. Easy as that, no big deal. Catch my drift? You don't need to share anymore than you feel comfortable with. Simple to the point answers is all you need to use.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AW805

I'd rather have people dislike me for who I am than creating a life of lies. You're too critical of yourself. Be honest because of eventually that little web of yours will cave. Besides if your friends can't accept who you are because you're honest then they are not friends at all.

I agree with this. You should not have to lie to make yourself feel better. It may make you feel better in the moment, but it the outrun, you will get use to the fact that you lie to make yourself feel and or look better.

Lying is very bad, and destroys relationships. Even "white lies", like my friends telling me they actually want my friendship, when they are only doing it out of kindness. Trust me, all lies hurt and destroy.