Ask Me Help Desk - He loves me but not all of me.

Hi everyone,

Here's my problem: he doesn't like a major part of my personality, in fact he hates it and I hate it too. Im quiet and not a real talkative person conversationalist. So it seems that we never really talk, never actually have conversations for a length of time. We text throughout the day and email and talk online. But we talk online because I am so bad on talking on the phone, its just dead air. He says he loves everything else about me and that he can "put up with the one or two traits he doesnt like" about me and learn to love them. So basically he just tolerates me. I want to know if this is OK in a relationship? Can someone just overlook a trait and live with it because I feel like eventually he will start to turn to someone else who he can talk to? I need any advice given, imso confused.

Wow! That's generous of him!

Sweetie, you need to be with someone who likes and loves you for who you are. There's nothing wrong with being the quiet type, a lot of guys like that.

Don't try to change to suit him, it never works.

Tell him to take you as you are. Tell him, “What you see is what you get! Like it or lump it!” Bet that puts him in shock! Lol Stand up for yourself. You are already complete. You are as you are meant to be.

Each one of us has unique personality traits and if someone doesn't like the basic traits, then too bad. The moment you change the basics, the relationship turns into a whore... unless and until u have some grave traits to be changed, which is unlikely in your case, so be proud of who you are, when you respect what you have, people start to respect it sooner or later...

I agree with Bluerose, however, you did say you hate that about yourself as well. If you do, and not because of his opinion, then you can work on it. There is nothing wrong with self improvement as long it is it because you feel it needs to happen not because someone else does.

If you do feel this area in your life could use a little work you could try to become more interested in a variety of subjects. Find one or two to start with that really hit your heart and learn about them, then discuss them with others. This could help begin to improve your communication skills. Discussing opinions, views or feelings about any given subject can be a great way to have a conversation and learn about yourself as well as others.

There are things in our partners that I think we both like and dislike. That is okay. I think it's more in the attitude in which they present their "acceptance" of those things disliked that matters really. If it's "well, I'll put up with it (but secretly I expect you to change it)" then, no not okay. That person isn't for you. But if it's more "I love you and accept you, faults and all and don't expect or require you to change" well that's compromise. We all have to do it in healthy, giving, mutual relationships.

Tell Mr Perfect, that if he can't accept you for who you are, then he can't deal with you at all. It is that simple, especially since he can always find someone else, and will, and try and make it your fault.

So he tolerates a few things about you. Doesn't that make him extra special and give him a nomination for man of the year? Everyone is right - this guy is not the one you need in your life. You perhaps feel intimidated with him and have a hard time talking to him because there is some nagging thought in the back of your head.

I agree with the previous - if there is something you do not like about yourself, work on that FOR yourself, not for someone else, not to please anyone else, but for you alone. Trust me, there is that guy out there who will appreciate and love every part of you - quiet or not.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aes39

can someone just overlook a trait and live with it because I feel like eventually he will start to turn to someone else who he can talk to? i need any advice given, imso confused.

Well, let's put it this way: someone should just overlook a trait and live with it if they truly care about you. If they are unwilling to "overlook" the "trait" that you speak of, then they aren't the one for you. So you're not a very talkative person. Anyone who's going to have a relationship with you has to realize that and learn to live with it. Now it's up to the other person to decide whether they can do that. There's no right or wrong answer to that dilemma, it depends on the individual person. For some people that's something they can easily deal with. Other people could never deal with that. Obviously you're going to have to find someone who can live with the idea that you're not a talkative person. Keep in mind that nobody's "perfect." Anyone you have a relationship with is bound to have one or two traits that aren't particularly to your liking. This doesn't make them right or wrong, it's just a matter of personal preference. Likewise, there's bound to be one or two things about you that the other person isn't going to like. That doesn't make you a bad person. Truly loving someone means being able to overlook those traits that are less than desirable in your eyes and concentrating on the positive traits that make that person special and unique.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aes39

Hi everyone,

here's my problem: he doesn't like a major part of my personality, in fact he hates it and i hate it too. Im quiet and not a real talkative person conversationalist. so it seems that we never really talk, never actually have conversations for a lenght of time. we text throughout the day and email and talk online. but we talk online because i am so bad on talking on the phone, its just dead air. he says he loves everything else about me and that he can "put up with the one or two traits he doesnt like" about me and learn to love them. so basically he just tolerates me. i want to know if this is ok in a relationship? can someone just overlook a trait and live with it because I feel like eventually he will start to turn to someone else who he can talk to? i need any advice given, imso confused.

OK... here's my humble opinion...

It is not possible to love every single bit of the one you are with.
It is about acceptance.
Because we love that person.
Some things we like better than others, but we accept.
Right ?

You are not a talkative person.
Well, you are who you are.
And I think that the person who is the right one for you will accept you whether you are talkative or not...

I am not a phone person myself... I am married and my husband knows that when I am abroad it's harder to communicate with me because I don't like talking on the phone.
But he accepts it. He is not a very outgoing person and yeah, sometimes it would be nice if he would be more cheerful... he is not; he does have many other things that make me love him.

You see... if the right person loves you then it simply does not matter.
And without being criticized you may feel as time goes by more at ease and who knows, maybe you will become a bit more talkative maybe not...

Being quiet is not necessarily a bad thing...

Don't feel bad about yourself...