The EX

I recently lost my dad who had congestive heart failure. I was wondering what the etiquette is for an ex spouse for whom my dad did a lot. I don't care if he were to talk to me or anything, but he didn't even send a card of condolences to my mom. We were together for nearly 10 years and it's been 4 years since we've been apart and I'm over it, but I'm angry with him for the fact that he didn't offer any condolences what so ever to anyone in my family. My dad did a lot for him while we were together. If it had been one of his parents I would have at least sent a card and flowers. I had other ex's (boyfriends) that showed up at his service to offer condolences. I know this is not all about bereavement, but I was just wondering if it would have been better etiquette on his part to at least send a card to my mom, or heck even his family could have done that. It just makes me so angry with him for his coldness. I have been far past the ending of our marriage now for at least 2 years. I wasn't happy with him, he wasn't happy with me and things are better off this way, so it's not about me being mad over the end of our marriage. I just think it's coldhearted after all that my dad did for him. My dad was there for him like a dad when his own dad wouldn't be. You know, I saw people at my dad's service I have not seen in 15 years... my friends from my teen years. I guess I expected this from him though because he always seemed to be a cold person... but I guess I had hoped that he had grown up some since moving on with his life.


My Family And Friends

How do I get my mom to not just curl up and sleep until she goes too? I feel she is sinking into this dark place and I've been trying to get her to go spend time with her own mom, the only other person she's close to that knows what she's going through. I stayed with her for 2 weeks and she finally told me that I could go home, that she needs to have some time alone to deal with this. She is, however, taking things one day at a time. There are days that she seems fine and even will leave the house to go to the store, but the other day she went through his clothes and gave me some of his shirts and sweats. Well, the very next day she woke up and saw that a lot of his things were gone and she broke down and slept all day and has been doing that since. Part of me knows that she is a strong woman and won't give up on life, but then I see her like that and I just don't know what to do or say to help her.

My brother, also, I don't think is coping too well. He's pushed himself into work so much that he hasn't taken the time to grieve. He's taking on way too much at one time. He and I didn't grow up together very close and we're just now this past year trying to change that, so I really don't exactly know how to relate to him. We are so different and 10 years apart in age.

I think that I am coping okay with this. I have my own spiritual beliefs that help me through this. It is still hard to believe he's gone and when I am alone I do cry and think long and hard about things. I just don't get upset in front of anyone else. I try to stay strong for my mom, my brother and my nephew. I am so much like my dad. He always was strong for everyone else and the only person that saw him at his weakest was my mom. That day in the hospital that he passed, I was the only one out of family and friends that just couldn't cry. I just kept consoling my mom and close friends. Don't get me wrong, inside I was dying, but I know my dad would have wanted me to be strong for them, so I was. I also guess part of the reason I couldn't cry was that I was in disbelief... shock. My dad has always been my hero, even though we would fight like cats and dogs most of the time. I now know why he did and said the things he did, I may have not always agreed with it, but I do understand it. When I spoke to him before we took him off the respirator, I told him that I was sorry for all the times we argued, for how I may have disappointed him, I told him to not worry about us or me, that I was strong just like him and will be all right. And of course I told him that I will miss him and that I loved him.

When someone passes away, you find out who your true friends in life really were. My dad had a "feud" going with another man and his family for nearly a year and that man came to the hospital to make peace with him and our family. He truly broke down and cried and now he and his family have done nothing but help us through this time. When someone passes, it is not a time to hold grudges or be angry at the wrong people, it's time to forgive. And my dad knew this... he was rough on the outside, but a real softy and very forgiving. It's sad, but true... people with good hearts truly come together in times like these. That day in the hospital... my dad had so many people there to say goodbye. The majority of our family and so many friends…

--Dee

I will ask, did anyone call and tell the ex ? One of my ex's was dead and buried for 2 months before anyone even called and let me know.

But there is no way to made someone else get over the way you want them to get over someone. All you can do is be there for them when and if they want you to be.
And often you can not pre-judge someone becausse they did not say or do something, often they don't know what to do or say, so they do nothing, they can't deal with it, so they don't

Dee, please accept my deepest condolensces on the loss of your father. I know how tough this is and how devasting it can be to a family.

First, the ex. Of course, the proper ettiquette would be for your ex to acknowledge your father's death. But, your anger at him isn't constructive for you. You are angry at him because he is the easy target right now. You need to forget about your ex. This is about you and your family and how to cope with this huge gaping hole in your lives.

Your Mother's reactions are quite normal. Everyone deals with death and grieving differently. Your father was her spouse. She lived with him day in and day out. It will take her longer to work her way through this. I know you are worried about her. That is good. Be there for her when she reaches out to you to tell you she needs you to be there. But please know that the days she gets out of bed and does the things she has always done is a very good sign. There are some people who do not get out of bed at all. Just accept that some days are going to be better than others for her, for a long while to come. They were married many, many years. It is so very difficult to adjust to being alone. You have to let her grieve in her own way and in her own time. Just be there for her and give her as much encouragement as you can. Make her smile. Make her laugh. Take her out to dinner and a movie. Take her shopping or to a museum. If she doesn't want to go, don't push. Just let her know that you are willing when she is up for it. If she has good friends, you may want to call them and ask them to check on her and invite her out to do the things they have always done. Again, they shouldn't push her but make sure they don't forget about her.

As for your brother, he is coping with this the only way he knows how. You will both eventually be able to find common ground and find a way to talk about the positives regarding your Dad. You will share the good memories. Trust me on this, it will happen. Right now, it is still too early. When he needs you, he will call. In the meantime, you can also just call him and check up on him. You didn't mention if he has a family. If he doesn't, invite him out to dinner or over to your place for a home cooked meal. Again, don't push. Just let him know the invitation is there. He will reach out to you when he is ready.

When we have never experienced the loss of a close family member, we find ourselves in a state of shock. It is a whole new experience of emotional turmoil we have to figure out how to constructively deal with. You are right in that you do find out who your friends really are when someone we love passes away.

I can see from your post that you are in a state of flux right now. You feel unsure of how to handle everything and you are worrying and thinking about everyone else. You need someone for you to share your grief with, and your Mother and brother aren't available. I think it might be very beneficial to seek out the help of a Grief Counselor or join a Bereavement support group. A professional can help you get your thoughts sorted out and allow you to express your emotions when others won't. It might also be a good way to figure out what you can do to help your mother and your brother through this. You can express your specific concerns about how they are coping, and you will receive constructive advice on those problems. A support group is a good way to find others who are going through what you are going through. You can help each other heal and find create new friendships in the process.

I don't know where you live but these links might be of help to you.
Grief Counseling and Grief Recovery Resources Chicago, Illinois, USA
GriefShare: Grief Recovery Support Groups

You also might want to go to your local library or bookstore and search for books on Bereavement. There are a number of good ones out there for adult children who have lost a parent.

If you have any questions or specific concerns, you can always post back here. We will help you as much as we can.