This might be a long one so please bear with me. I pretty much know I have depression, but I'm not sure how bad it is. I really don't know how long this has been going on, but it has carried on for quite some time. Myself esteem has never been that great, but I always did well in school so that kept me going. Once that was over I felt myself starting to fall into this deep hole. I started not to care about things I used to. I started to lose interest in a lot of things I once loved to do. I would wake up wishing I didn't have to. I've pretty much turned into a recluse. I don't really talk to anybody anymore unless I have to. Most of the people I consider friends are people I met online. I talk to them about this sometimes, but not anyone I know personally. I've held a loaded gun to my head a couple of times and even Googled on how to tie a hangman's noose. I've started to lose a great deal of weight, mostly because I don't eat much anymore. I don't know if I would ever go through with it, but a part of me wants to. I really don't feel comfortable talking to a doctor about this, which I guess would be my best option. So I guess that means I'm stuck on what to do. Maybe it'll get better with time. I just glanced at my wall where my college diploma hangs. I crossed out my first name on the frame and wrote the word loser. I feel like one. I even feel like one having to bug you guys with my problems, but maybe someone can help. Who knows. Thanks for listening.

Although you don't want to go see a doctor--I think it is the best thing for you. It seems like you are deeply depressed and might require medication. I was hesitant when I first started going to see a shrink and I was very hesitant when I started taking medicine. Although I am not completely healed, I know longer of thoughts of suicide... so I guess I am getting better. I hope this helps.

You should not be embarrassed about going to see a doctor or a psychiatrist. Depression is as much a medical problem as the flu or cancer. In several areas of my life, I have been too proud to ask people for help and it has never worked out too well. Most people know what depression feels like. It sucks and I really hope that decide to go see someone. Please don't commit suicide. Whether you think so or not, there are many people who care about you. There is so much to live for, but sometimes we need other people to point it out to us. This is o.k.
Here's what you do. Go to a psychiatrist or psychologist and try it out for a few weeks. I think you will find that it will help. Good luck, and let us know how we can help.

That someday should be soon. Look at it like a medical illness. If you had cancer, I'm sure you would go see a doctor as soon as you can. If not, it will get worse over time. Keep us posted let us know where we can help.

It's been a few days since I asked my question. Nothing much has changed. I haven't been eating much lately, and it's not really bothering me. I've pretty much shut everything out of my life, except some of my family and friends. I really didn't want to burden anyone in the first place, so I'm sorry for that. Some of the things I have done in recent days are worrying me. I've done my best to patch things up with people, I've given away things, and I've made sure all my priorities were in order. But I've always been like that. Part of me feels like these are my final days here. That would scare most people, but for some reason it doesn't scare me. People come and go, that's the way life is. It's going to be my time sooner or later.

The thing is. Life is a giving force. We do not decide when we live or when we die. To force it one way or another is not a good judgement and will only cause more tormant. People come and people go, but you do not have the right or priveledge to end it before your time.

I do think you need counseling and you do need to see a doctor. These are your options. Doctors are here to help. Counselors are here to help. You came here seeking help and I am here to tell you there is a lot of help out there, but you need to be willing. You need to learn how to get the help you need and actually want the help bad enough that your way of thinking will change for the better.

When your not eating. When your not getting enough nutrients and vitamins. This alone can cause depression. It is a proven fact that what you eat or do not eat. Actually effects the way you feel and the way you think.

I know I and us here will here from you soon, letting us know that you have contacted a doctor and started counseling.

Best wishes.

Joe

I want to thank you three for taking the time to share some of your thoughts with me. I think there comes a time in every person's life when he/she wonders if it's the end of the road. I think I'm at that point right now as I'm writing this. I'm sure I have many things worth living for, but in my sick and twisted mind, I don't. I lost one of my brothers to suicide about 18 months ago. He and I were alike in many ways. Unfortunately, I think this is one of them. I honestly don't think anybody that knows me personally would think I would do something like this. But then again, I'm sure those who knew my brother well thought the same thing, including myself. No matter how well you think you know someone, I don't think you truly know everything about them. I can't help but feel a little bad because I feel I've wasted your time. But I want to thank you for trying to help. I guess some people you just can't get it through to them. I'm sorry. Thank you again.

You have not wasted anybody's time.

Please don't give up on us!!

Each person has their own reasons they are here on the earth. Some figure it out quickly, while others take a little bit longer. You need to figure out why you are here. I feel so bad that your brother committed suicide. You need to, in a way, live for your brother; do the things that your brother won't be able to do.
Please keep writing to us. Please let us help. We won't give up on you. Please don't give up on yourself.
Would you be interested in talking on the phone?
Let me know and I will give you my personal number.

Take care

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Originally Posted by BigJG

.... there comes a time in every person's life when he/she wonders if it's the end of the road. I think I'm at that point right now as I'm writing this. I'm sure I have many things worth living for, but in my sick and twisted mind, I don't.

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JG, is it possible that you are punishing yourself and depriving yourself of joy and good things because of grieving your brother's death? My best friend lost her twin sister in a house fire at 16 yrs old, and the tragedy of losing her sister caused her to devoid herself of pleasure or even moving on for a number of years before we met.

I encouraged her to make herself attend to her needs and clean up her environment. When life itself is not enough to motivate us, we must force ourselves to motion, less we find our lives in a state of decay and atrophy.

While the process was hard, leaving the house to shop groceries, for instance, she didn't give up [though she wanted to many times], she persevered to a happier life. It can happen for you, too.

What is your current lifestyle like, what would you like to see different in your life? Do you consider yourself as enjoying friends ?

If you could paint a picture of a happy life for yourself, what would it include? What has made you happy or brought joy in the past? What do you feel a current picture of your life would look like, please describe in detail.

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Originally Posted by BigJG

I can't help but feel a little bad because I feel I've wasted your time. ...I guess some people you just can't get it through to them. I'm sorry. Thank you again.

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You've not wasted anyone's time, for we all have chosen to be here writing, just as you have. Everything happens for a reason, I hope you find your reasons. You aren't a lost cause, you know. ;-)

Your not wasting any of our time at all. We will be here as long as you need us.

By the sounds of it you could still be greiving the loss of your brother which does have an effect on everybody, and everybody is effected differently.

Best wishes for you and I do hope you continue to seek the help you need. With counselors and doctors and with us here.

Joe

It is completely OK and normal to want to be secluded by yourself. Though I consider myself a social person, I value my time alone highly. Trust me, it doesn't sound crazy. Being alone gives me time to think a lot. It gives me an opportunity to take an inventory of my life; where I am; where I am going; and what kind of person I want to be. I feel that this is important for all people in order to have purpose and meaning in their life. This sounds like something you may be struggling with. I promise you that a counselor will be able to help you with this. If you need help finding a good one in your area, let me know what city you are in, and I will ask some of my colleagues for recommendations.
Hang in there!

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JG says: My idea of a happy place would be to be alone in seclusion away from civilization, as crazy as that sounds.

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Actually, that sounds positively wonderful to me.

Perhaps it is realistic then, for you to get some alone time. I am that kind of person. I can be a people person but one thing is for sure, I must have alone time to recharge my batteries.

Plan some alone time for yourself each morning to start your day. This would prevent being overwhelmed by the day's distractions. Just food for thought. :-)

This is probably going to be my last post about this subject. You've all been very helpful and I thank you for it.