My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months now. He was hurt very badly by his ex. He also is not a very affectionate man. Except when we are being intimate. My question is, he says that he is still "picking up the pieces". I knew in the beginning that I needed to be patient with him, but I'm at the point where it feels like it's taking him forever to get over his ex! He doesn't talk to her, or ever see her, but I can tell he thinks about her a lot. I don't want to sound unsympathetic, and I really do love this man, but it is hurting me to watch him go through this. He says he loves me, and I believe he does. His mother thinks we should get married. Honestly, neither one of us are ready for that step. We are both in agreement that we want to take our time. Is there something that I can do to help him get past that pain, and the fear that he is going to get hurt again? He knows that it is hard for me, and he is apologetic for that. How long should I continue to be patient?

It sounds like he didn't spend much time alone after this ex, it's up to you but I definitely wouldn't get married while he's like this.

How long were they together, it's not normal that it would take this long to get over her, was she his first girlfriend?

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Originally Posted by jdk3

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months now. He was hurt very badly by his ex. He also is not a very affectionate man. Except when we are being intimate. My question is, he says that he is still "picking up the pieces". I knew in the beginning that I needed to be patient with him, but I'm at the point where it feels like it's taking him forever to get over his ex! He doesn't talk to her, or ever see her, but I can tell he thinks about her a lot. I don't want to sound unsympathetic, and I really do love this man, but it is hurting me to watch him go through this. He says he loves me, and I believe he does. His mother thinks we should get married. Honestly, neither one of us are ready for that step. We are both in agreement that we want to take our time. Is there something that I can do to help him get past that pain, and the fear that he is going to get hurt again? He knows that it is hard for me, and he is apologetic for that. How long should I continue to be patient?

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I feel you have given plenty of time for this. Why should you put your life on hold for someone else's heartache. I went through this not long ago and I am in so much pain, confusion, and financial ruin over trying to help him through HIS heartache. I ended up marrying him Oh yes he may love you but he is not in love with you. I think you should move on. I was always told only time heals maybe he needs more time and then let him come to you when he feels he is over the EX. But it shouldn't be your responsibility to put your life no hold or stand back and except the hurt you feel until he heals from this.

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Originally Posted by jdk3

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months now. He was hurt very badly by his ex. He also is not a very affectionate man. Except when we are being intimate. My question is, he says that he is still "picking up the pieces". I knew in the beginning that I needed to be patient with him, but I'm at the point where it feels like it's taking him forever to get over his ex! He doesn't talk to her, or ever see her, but I can tell he thinks about her a lot. I don't want to sound unsympathetic, and I really do love this man, but it is hurting me to watch him go through this. He says he loves me, and I believe he does. His mother thinks we should get married. Honestly, neither one of us are ready for that step. We are both in agreement that we want to take our time. Is there something that I can do to help him get past that pain, and the fear that he is going to get hurt again? He knows that it is hard for me, and he is apologetic for that. How long should I continue to be patient?

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If he trully was apologetic he would get over it already. You've been there for him for this long, and if he's not opening up when not being "close" then he's still haboring feelings from you which isn't right at alllllll! Sit him down and just break it down, " I love you , I'm here for you, so MOVE ON!" Everyone's going to be hurt every now and then, and lets hope its not going to be you in the furute if it continues.

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Originally Posted by comingback

I feel you have given plenty of time for this. why should you put your life on hold for someone elses heartache. I went through this not long ago and I am in so much pain, confusion, and financial ruin over trying to help him through HIS heartache. I ended up marrying him Oh yes he may love you but he is not in love with you. I think you should move on. I was always told only time heals maybe he needs more time and then let him come to you when he feels he is over the EX. But it shouldn't be your responsibility to put your life no hold or stand back and except the hurt you feel until he heals from this.

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Great response. It will take longer for him to get over her as long as she is there absorbing the lonliness he feels from from the loss of his ex.
Familiarity is not always exciting and new but having someone can be better than having no one.
Somebody is going to get the short end of the stick in this relationship.

It's been 11 months so far! If he doesn't know that you can be trusted not to hurt him by now, It sounds like you are too convenient.
Everybody's affectionate when they are at the peak of intimacy.
I don't want to sound unsympathetic either but I'm starting to feel that way about your position in this relationship. Forget about his mother. Think about yourself. You are the one in this triangle that is in a position to get hurt.
Sounds like he is telling you that he's afraid of getting hurt for 2 reasons: #1- to keep you around because you are trying everything under the sun to make him happy. You are not making any demands of him. And #2- To avoid having to make a commitment.
If he was as thrilled to have you as you'd like him to be, then he wouldn't need SO much time to get over his ex.
You really, REALLY need to think of yourself.
Don't be so lost in his eyes that you can't find your way out.
No hostility intended toward anyone in this response. Good Luck, Rewes

I feel for you my friend. I was in a very similar place at the beginning of this year. I was a world of difference and fresh air with the girl I was dating at the time but her immature ex put her through hell for months before she met me. He's a disgraceful person and that saying a lot because I don't speak badly of anyone. She never healed from it, subsequently carried all of that into our relationship and I was on the thinnest of ice and one little slip and that hurt would be taken out on me. I did my absolute best to honor her wished and love her insecurites, many of which he attacked, but to no avail.

Its truly unfair to you and I am terribly sorry, I dealt with it months and was patient, compassionate, even willing to open and talk about that past relationship in depth so I could understand her and love her deeply from heartbreak to healing. I did this from December to May, denying myself to love this person and when I finally couldn't take it anymore and asked for a better effort and commitment to fighting for me & our relationship, she couldn't do it. I believe strongly in fighting for what you believe in and genuinely loving someone; BUT at some point you have to love yourself and realize you deserve someone who matches the efforts you put into them and treats you right. Even if means standing up for yourself and calling him out, it takes to make it work and one person for it not. You're going all out for him, but he's stuck in the past

Don't look at marriage so soon- this guy could be on the rebound- especially if he shows you little affection WITHOUT sexual intent. Be very cautious.