I wrote in about my husband looking online at dating sites, talking to ex-girlfriend on phone, lying to me, calling singles chatline... I forgot to add something important--my husband says because of the way he was raised, he doesn't bond very well with people in general, and unfortunately I am included. In other words, if I was not in his life anymore, he wouldn't be that devastated. What confuses me, is that he stays with me, even though we have a lot of conflict, and he wants to work things out. I wonder if he is staying for the kids. He says no, but then he talks to ex, calls single phone chatline. I really don't know what to think about him, and what to expect from him from now on... :( :confused:

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Originally Posted by myerskribbs

I wrote in about my husband looking online at dating sites, talking to ex-girlfriend on phone, lying to me, calling singles chatline...I forgot to add something important--my husband says because of the way he was raised, he doesn't bond very well with people in general, and unfortunately I am included. In other words, if I was not in his life anymore, he wouldn't be that devastated. what confuses me, is that he stays with me, even though we have a lot of conflict, and he wants to work things out. I wonder if he is staying for the kids. He says no, but then he talks to ex, calls single phone chatline. I really don't know what to think about him, and what to expect from him from now on....:( :confused:

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I can sort of relate. I am so sorry because I know how I feel about a similar situation. If he says he wants to work things out, have you tried counseling?

And honestly, I have 3 children from a previous marriage. Don't stay for the children! Chances are they are being hurt too by watching the conflict or feeling the emotional charges in the house.

You really have to think about how you feel and dig into your heart and search to find some answers to your own limits. I know I am trying to do the same.

Is it possible to stay and love a man that lies and does not give you the love that you want and deserve? I ask this for myself as well.

Good luck you are in my thoughts. I hope for you as well as myself that some guidance leads us in the right direction for a peaceful heart.

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Originally Posted by myerskribbs

I wrote in about my husband looking online at dating sites, talking to ex-girlfriend on phone, lying to me, calling singles chatline...I forgot to add something important--my husband says because of the way he was raised, he doesn't bond very well with people in general, and unfortunately I am included. In other words, if I was not in his life anymore, he wouldn't be that devastated. what confuses me, is that he stays with me, even though we have a lot of conflict, and he wants to work things out. I wonder if he is staying for the kids. He says no, but then he talks to ex, calls single phone chatline. I really don't know what to think about him, and what to expect from him from now on....:( :confused:

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If you have problems bonding with people you don't seek people outside of your marriage to bond with. His actions are self centered.

I was with someone once who did these exact things. He was just very unhappy with himself and refused to face that. Blamed his and our problems on me and claimed I was paranoid and accusatory all the time.

I have found that when one person is so unhappy within it's hard to be with someone who loves you because they know you so well. It's like looking at the things you hate about yourself all the time. Especially if you fight about those things a lot. For example if he has issues with feeling like a failure inside for whatever reason and you guys are struggling with money issues even if you are not directly blaming him but you guys argue about it he may feel that it really is true. It's like you are a mirror making him see the things he is unhappy about in himself. If you seek people who don't really know you they can't be your mirror and you don't have to deal with the pain or the issues. I have no idea if this has anything to do with your situation or not. But it is a possible cause for his actions.

If you want things to work then I think it is important for him to know that you are willing to work on things but that there are certain boundaries. Like a marriage needs undivided attention so porn, chat lines, and making a confidant of an ex is unacceptable. But even more important to let him know how you are feeling, not how he is making you feel, because of his actions . And that you deserve to be treated in a respectful manner. His current actions are not respectful of you, your marriage or your children.

Individual and couples therapy could be very helpful if you research and find someone good. I wish you the very best and will check back to see if post how things are going.