Ask Me Help Desk - He is cheating. Now I know.

I just found out that my husband of 14 years has been cheating on me for about a year. We have always had a rock solid relationship up until about 2 years ago when his father died rather suddenly. He says that he does not love this other woman, that she just fills a need that he has. He says that he does not want to leave me or lose me. But, I don't know what to do. We have 4 kids (ages 12-3). I don't want them growing up thinking this is OK or normal. But, I don't want to rip them from the only home they have ever know either. I just don't know what to do.

He has promised to stop seeing her. He swears he was just using her and that he has never cheated before. He has offered to move out of the house for a week to let me figure out what I want to do. He says that if he comes back it will be like before he met her. He has even offered to go to see a therapist both with me and without me.

What the heck made him cheat in the first place? And what kind of woman goes after another woman's husband.

What do I do? What do I say to my children?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have a counselor you could go to? Definitely seek counseling alone and together to get your questions answered. You are confused, angry, hurt and need to experience each of these emotions without him hovering. There is no time limit on when to accept him back into your good graces.
See a marriage counselor first, ASAP and then decide what to do about his moving out, the kids, etc.

Oh sweetie I am so sorry. I don't know what I would do if I found out that my husband cheated. I think that you really need to ponder weither this relationship can be saved. I kow that you want to do what's best for the children... but you also have to do what's best for you. He broke your trust and that is a really hard obstilce to overcome. I would have him move out for more than a week. I would have him go to counseling withyou and without you. If he shows you that he can change maybe you can have some type of relationship. Right now you need to focus on you. Again I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
As for what type of woman would go after another woman's husband... an insecure one. A wrong one. Someone that doesn't understand values and morals.. and families. I don't know why he cheated.. that is something he will have to explain.. but there is no reason for someone to cheat... no reason in the world.

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are hurting and going through this.

You have posed some very difficult questions. What do you want to do? Do you want to try to save your marriage? Do you feel you can ever forgive him for this?

I don't think it is necessary to say anything to your children just yet. Let your husband leave for the week so you have some time to think things through and see what it would be like without him around. Tell the kids he is on a business trip. Tell your husband that you need this time to sort through your feelings of anger, hurt, and betrayal. He needs to know what life would be like without you and your kids. He doesn't have a clue as to what the consequences of his actions really means yet. Without his family around for at least a week (if not longer) he will get an inkling.

I think it would be a very wise move on your part to seek out the help of an experienced Marriage Counselor immediately. The counselor will work with both you and your husband. This objective third party will give you the tools you need to figure out what you want, and if you decide to stay in the marriage, how to help you heal and move past this.

As for the other woman, everyone is different. I don't quite understand myself why some women do this. You will hear any number of reasons and rationalizations from them. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. Her reasoning for doing this has no bearing on your decision in figuring out where you and your husband go from here. You need to focus on yourself and your children. You need to focus on what direction or path you want your life to take now. You need to focus on your needs.

Oh my I could just cry for you. But I have to say that I agree with Ruby (sorry Ruby have to spread the love a bit more). Seeing an objective third party might help you get perspective on the situation. As well as letting him leave for a week. You need this time to get your feelings in order. Decide what you need to do for you and for your children.

Best of luck to you.

Sorry to hear about your situation, I know that you might be filled with doubt,hurt and confusion. You should really make a decision not based on how you feel but try to think sober, it seems like he really regrets what he did, please at least try to work things through.

Thank you all. I have asked him to move out for at least the next couple of weeks. I have sent my kids to my mother's house for the weekend. I am just taking the weekend to think, be alone, and decide what I need to do.

I do still love him. But, do I trust him? What happens when he comes home late one night? Am I going to immediately think he is cheating again? I have agreed to see a therapist with him. After 14 years I feel I owe our marriage at least that.

He calls all the time and checks on me. I asked him to please just let me be, let me think, and respect me enough to leave me the heck alone. I am hoping that that happens..

I think you are doing the absolute right thing for yourself. And the questions you are asking now, will eventually be resolved through the counseling. Of course you feel this way. He has broken his trust with you. Not an easy thing to fix. Part of what counseling does is help you to figure out whether you will ever be able to trust him again. If you have a good counselor, that person will help, unscramble the brain, and help you with figuring all this out.

I think the time apart will be his wake up call. It appears that he is fearful of losing you. That is a good sign. But, this isn't about him right now. It is about you and you deserve to take the time you need for yourself. He really needs to understand that what he has done is not something that cannot be forgiven overnight. He needs to understand that you need to work on figuring out if you can ever trust him again. You may decide that you want him out of the house until you feel that you can trust him again. That is okay. However long it takes, is however long it takes. I can tell you that the longer you keep the distance between you, the easier it is to get past the emotional clouding that is going on here. You need to give yourself time to heal and to think things through logically and rationally. The closer you are to an emotional situation, the harder it is to make a decision.

Please keep us posted as to how you are coping. We will be here for you.

You have to figure out if you can fogive him. I know how you fell, it happened to me, I forgave and we are still together 5 years after it happened.
Its hard, but if you work together (as it sounds like he is willing to do), and you are willing to forgive and forget, then it will work if you want it to, if you don't want him back you need to tell him so you can get on with your life with your children

Quote:

Originally Posted by robertsqueen

As for what type of woman would go after another womans husband...an insecure one. A wrong one. Someone that dosn't understand values and morals..and families. I don't know why he cheated..that is something he will have to explain..but there is no reason for someone to cheat...no reason in the world.

I totally agree with this last paragraph of robertsqueen's post. I also feel for you! I am so sorry. I am truly so sorry. I know the feelings you feel and completely understand the questions you asked. My husband of 14 years cheated on me last Fall 06, and it totally devistated me. Here we are with three children and 14 years of marriage, and he goes and decides to "kiss" with his co-worker. It may not sound like a biggie cheat, but I treasure kisses from him, so that hurt. But even more so, I was hurt by the intra-emails through the office computer system she was sending to him. She was telling him that she wanted to lay with him in one email and another she said she doesn't 'just put out for anyone'. Wow, how sweet of her! So, what kind of woman does this? I agree with robertsqueen in the respect that she doesn't understand or care about values and morals. She was/is married too with three children.

And I am so with you understanding the trust issue. I still do not trust my husband and at this time wonder if I ever will. Yet, I had about 8 weeks of pastoral counseling with my husband, and I understand some things a little better. I will tell you of two books I have that may interest you in finding answers and secure your thoughts a little better.

First book is called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley. The second book I have begun to read is called Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass. You can read a synopsis about each of them at Amazon.

Hey, and if you need someone to talk to that knows what you are going through, don't hesitate to contact me. I am still hurting after 8 months and hope there will be a day where I don't wake up and wonder if my husband has had any contact with the Evil One. :rolleyes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadWife116

I just found out that my husband of 14 years has been cheating on me for about a year. We have always had a rock solid relationship up until about 2 years ago when his father died rather suddenly. He says that he does not love this other woman, that she just fills a need that he has. He says that he does not want to leave me or lose me. But, I don't know what to do. We have 4 kids (ages 12-3). I don't want them growing up thinking this is ok or normal. But, I don't want to rip them from the only home they have ever know either. I just don't know what to do.

He has promised to stop seeing her. He swears he was just using her and that he has never cheated before. He has offered to move out of the house for a week to let me figure out what I want to do. He says that if he comes back it will be like before he met her. He has even offered to go to see a therapist both with me and without me.

What the heck made him cheat in the first place? And what kind of woman goes after another woman's husband.?

What do I do?? What do I say to my children?

First off, how did you find out? I'm sure he didn't volunteer this information. Do you think he really would have stopped seeing this person if you had not found out? That answer will tell you a lot about what he thinks about the marriage and his respect for you. Trapped like a rat, he will say and do anything. He doesn't want the shame, embarrassment, loss of income, division of assets... none of which he thought about when he was with her for a YEAR. You have a right to your anger and your lack of trust is well placed. I don't know if you will ever get that back, with such a huge betrayal. And after one week, if he comes back, do you really think it's going to be like the "good old days?" That's another lie. As suggested by others, you work through your anger at your pace. Don't let him decide what is best for you... obviously, he didn't before. Seek counseling, clergy, good friends, Mom or whomever to help you get through this. Do not tell the kids. If need be, that will come later.. and don't use them against him... take the high road on that.. children are very perceptive.. but job #1 is for you to work through your emotions... hurt,anger, depression, anxiety... but don't do it alone. Build a support team. Be strong and show him what you are made of... and make him realize what a big mistake he made. He played his game and you didn't know the rules, now it's your turn to take charge. You can do it. Good luck