If you feel like your mate is the most important thing in your life at the time and he/she breaks up with you, you feel as if your world comes crashing down, everything gets placed on hold, you turn from happy to depressed... would this be considered co dependency?:confused: :

All I know is that if my husband left me, I would be at a loss for words. I depend on him for everything. I would be extremely depressed. Some people call it co-dependency. I just look at it like you have been used to something for so long and now it is gone. Losing someone can be very hard to deal with, you just have to take it day by day and as time passes you find new ways of doing old things. I hope you feel better.

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Originally Posted by startover22

All I know is that if my husband left me, i would be at a loss for words. I depend on him for everything. I would be extremely depressed. Some people call it co-dependency. I just look at it like you have been used to something for so long and now it is gone. Losing someone can be very hard to deal with, you just have to take it day by day and as time passes you find new ways of doing old things. I hope you feel better.

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That is true. It happens to me only when he breaks up with me. Which seems to be his way of handling our discussions and srguments by threatening to leave or end the relationship. I just get taken for granted I guess.

You might want to check out one of the definitions of codependence.

From Codependency Test And Definition

Definition Of Codependency:

Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed. This addiction is sometimes so strong, the codependent will cause the other person to continue to be needy. This behavior is called enabling. The enabler will purposefully overlook someone abusing a child, will call in sick for someone suffering from addiction, will put roadblocks to prevent their child from becoming independent, or even keep a sick family member from getting the treatment that would make them well. These are behaviors common to codependents. A codependent often suffers from a 'Messiah Complex' where he sees problems with everyone and sees himself as the only person who can help. Here is where I need to work... trying to be 'Mr. Fixit' for everyone... even those who don't feel they need anything fixed. A codependent counselor (common) will never think your sessions are done. In fact, they often create issues that weren't there just so they can continue to feel they're an important, no, essential part of your life. This is one of the reasons I always spend the first counseling session evaluating the problem and setting up a schedule of sessions to complete the work. If we're not making progress, I don't want to become the person you feel you have to take every problem to... it's too addictive to me. That's what codependence is... an addiction to being needed. To learn more, try one of these recent top-selling books on the definition and treatment of codependency.

If he keeps breaking up with you, then maybe it is high time to find someone else to be with. It is very childish to keep breaking up. I think you are right about getting taken for granted. Time to go I would say! Good luck and get on with your sweet life!

Co-Dependency is basically a one-way relationship. Someone is always the giver, the doer, the caretaker, the maker of all things right, and the one responsible for all things. The other person is the taker. They do not give, they only receive. The relationship is lopsided and serves the purpose of the one taking. Definitely not in the interest of the one giving.

There is so much pain, so much pain, in this kind of relationship. You want balance and yet do not have the tools to achieve it. You want happiness but it always seems to come at a high price. Your needs are often shelved. Frustrating, isn't it? Depressing!

Alfred H. Ells wrote a great workbook for those kinds of relationships, called, "One-Way Relationships Workbook". Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1992. Dr. Steven Stosny wrote, "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore", published by Free Press, 2006. I have both books and many more. They all add to developing insight.

You need to know that you cannot change your partner. No matter how many hoops you go through, it will all be the same in the end. But you can affect change for yourself. Knowledge is power. I say that so often but it is true. What you do not know can definitely harm you. What you find out may lead you to an emotional happiness and security that you have not felt in a long time. Can also lead to some more questions and decisions and some tough decisions. What have you got to lose?

If you do not find out why you have this behavior, you are going to repeat yourself in the next relationship. You have trigger points, patterns of learning you have ingrained into your life. Learning them and how to uncover and get past them, is the best gift you can give to yourself.

While reading a book or two or three is a great idea, you need some one-one counseling time with a professional. Now that can be your pastor/minister/rabbi/mentor, a psychotherapist, an addiction counselor, etc. There is Al-Anon for families who struggle with those co-dependent issues.

Here are some web resources that you might find helpful in getting your inner self back to full health. Hugs to you and wishing you all the best.

Inner Bonding: Relationship Advice, Relationship Help, Spiritual Growth, Parenting Advice
Difficult Relationships
Coloring Therapy - Elements of Personal and Collective Self-Sabotage
QuestForSelf.com: Alternative Health, Personal Growth, Psychology Books, Spirituality, Relationships, Articles, Human Evolvement
Michele Germain

I grew up learning how to be co-dependent, without even knowing what in the world I was doing and why. I just developed survival skills and tried to keep under the radar. That was not always successful. Lol. But I did not know any better. When I married, it was so darn easy to keep up the patterns of behavior. In fact, I remember telling one of my friends that when I met my future husband that "everything seems so comfortable." In later years I found out why. He was the adult version of my childhood. When I started in therapy, one of the therapists called me an "ACOA". He had to explain it. "Adult Child Of An Alcoholic". I had individual counseling as well as group sessions. Once I started to process how I came to where I was, it was like the flood gates opened. The light went on, as the saying goes. This time I was home.

I wish I could say all the miracles happened, but they did not. But I did learn how not to respond, I learned how to affirm my ownself, and believe that I was okay.

You can learn so much that will take you down the path to healing your emotions and your heart. One thing, make sure you are physically healthy! That your immune system is strong. All the stress from being in a dysfunctional relationship can really do harm to your body. See your doctor if you have to. Take your vitamins (I sound like an ad) - my doctor recommended to take a B complex, a C, and a Lysine (because it helps with stress). But ask your doctor before taking anything. Also, talk to him/her about the depression. There are meds to help with that - even if it is situational depression.

Hugsss.