Ask Me Help Desk - 22 and a virgin- why does this bother all the guys I meet?

I wasn't exactly sure whether to put this in the dating thread or this one. I'm 22 years old and I'm a virgin- never been in a relationship, barely dated. The problem is that every guy I meet who's my age (and I'm not interested in anyone more than say 5 years older than me) treats me like I'm the strangest person to ever walk the earth. I'm very attractive and nice, so guys have trouble believing I exist the way I do. I'm not religious, so they're always trying to figure out the mystery of why I haven't been in a relationship before- and the truth is, I don't know either!
All the guys I meet are scared away once they find out that I'm a virgin. I have learned not to tell anyone until I feel like I'm close enough to them, but at the same time, I'm not going to hide it when I'm interested in a guy. Then inevitably they make me feel like I'm inferior for not having much experience. They seem to be afraid that they're going to break me and see me as younger than my age. I feel like I scare away every boy that I like eventually. Sometimes it makes me feel pretty bad about myself, and I kind of dread telling a guy about my lack of experience. My sister and I joke that I have amazing virgin powers to drive boys away. I know its irrational but all this makes me feel like a big freak. Why do guys treat me like this? What is it about our society that everyone is supposed to lose their virginity in their teens?

They may be scared off because they get the idea that you'd like for sex to be something really special and meaningful instead of something like a sneeze. Don't worry about it, and don't hop into bed with some guy just to get it over with. You have plenty of time to find a guy who respects you and isn't intimidated by your virginity.

I agree it's a shame. In their "defense" much of the attraction to a partner, especially in the beginning, is that primal urge and the excitement of getting know the other person, and that includes getting to know someone physically. Some guys just probably don't know what to "do" with you.

I dated a girl through 2 yrs HS, all college... we didn't have sex until soph year college.. making me 20. I liked her, loved her, and she just didn't want to have sex... well, she WANTED to, but she wanted to wait. And we did, until we didn't.

So... I don't have a great answer for you. Is it sad that guys might turn away because you are a virgin? Sure. And on the flip side, is it wrong to interested in satisfying your desires? Not always.

So... I guess you just have to look at it as you haven't met the right guy yet. And only you can decide when is right for you. But I think once you have had sex, it just becomes a part of you... and that alone isn't something that's bad... just as abstaining isn't "wrong" despite their actions.

I think a lot of these guys feel threatened. By not having casual sex it tells them that your looking for something serious before that happens. A lot of young guys aren't interested in getting serious. Also, the climate we live in has casual sex as the norm. I say good for you for not giving in to social pressures! Be patient in finding that right guy. You might also try developing male relationships as friends only. Letting them know this in advance. As sad as it is that your most precious gift to someone (sexual intimacy) is viewed so flippantly, there are exceptions to this attitude. Stay strong. Cathy

I personally would feel quite special if a girl gives her virginity to me. I've got no clue why guys should be scared off.
Probably it's just your luck. You don't meet decent guys. First get into a relationship and start building a strong bonding. Make sure the guy's a proper one! After you're close and open , then share your secret with him.

I can assure you if this boy that is less than 5 years older met you then he sure wouldn't be driven away or find it strange. Not in the slightest. In fact he would have a lot of admiration for you and find it even more attractive that you have so much self respect. The only thing I would feel ashamed of is not living up to your expectations.

You have nothing to worry about. I think this just means that you haven't met a guy yet that is worthy of your time anyway! So don't stress and just continue down the path you have taken so far!

The ones who are "scared away" are likely only looking to get laid as a first thought. If they were drawn to your personality they would not care if you were a virgin or not. Now this is NOT an invitation to lose you virginity. Because a clod that won't go out with you unless you sleep with him is not worth having around.

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Originally Posted by sveltskye

I wasn't exactly sure whether to put this in the dating thread or this one. I'm 22 years old and I'm a virgin- never been in a relationship, barely dated. The problem is that every guy I meet who's my age (and I'm not interested in anyone more than say 5 years older than me) treats me like I'm the strangest person to ever walk the earth. I'm very attractive and nice, so guys have trouble believing I exist the way I do. I'm not religious, so they're always trying to figure out the mystery of why I haven't been in a relationship before- and the truth is, I don't know either!
All the guys I meet are scared away once they find out that I'm a virgin. I have learned not to tell anyone until I feel like I'm close enough to them, but at the same time, I'm not going to hide it when I'm interested in a guy. Then inevitably they make me feel like I'm inferior for not having much experience. They seem to be afraid that they're going to break me and see me as younger than my age. I feel like I scare away every boy that I like eventually. Sometimes it makes me feel pretty bad about myself, and I kind of dread telling a guy about my lack of experience. My sister and I joke that I have amazing virgin powers to drive boys away. I know its irrational but all this makes me feel like a big freak. Why do guys treat me like this? What is it about our society that everyone is supposed to lose their virginity in their teens?

Because the guys feel that it would be a bit hard to establish relationship first time with a girl who is not yet ready for sex and will be less exotic to go through this experience. So girl u are lucky to be virgin, us could be a good life partner with strong commitment as with your body.

The reason these boys run is because they are just that - boys. I'm not saying you need to find an older man, but you need someone more mature. You need to be open and honest with these men from the beginning. This is part of your personality and if they are going to love you then they need to love this about you. The ones just looking for sex will bale at the first hurdle, but this is not the way you want your first time to be. Eventually yopu will meet a decent guy who will respect you for this and be pleased that you are willing to give this to him. Not having had a relationship does not say anything bad about you, it just shows that you know what you want and you are not willing to give in to peer pressure or settle for anything less. I was the same when I was younger and lost my virginity when I was certain

Men are immature horndogs. Well, I shouldn't say that. Haha. But it has no thing to do with you my dear. You just need to find someone that is mature, which is possible.

Best of luck to you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sveltskye

I wasn't exactly sure whether to put this in the dating thread or this one. I'm 22 years old and I'm a virgin- never been in a relationship, barely dated. The problem is that every guy I meet who's my age (and I'm not interested in anyone more than say 5 years older than me) treats me like I'm the strangest person to ever walk the earth. I'm very attractive and nice, so guys have trouble believing I exist the way I do. I'm not religious, so they're always trying to figure out the mystery of why I haven't been in a relationship before- and the truth is, I don't know either!
All the guys I meet are scared away once they find out that I'm a virgin. I have learned not to tell anyone until I feel like I'm close enough to them, but at the same time, I'm not going to hide it when I'm interested in a guy. Then inevitably they make me feel like I'm inferior for not having much experience. They seem to be afraid that they're going to break me and see me as younger than my age. I feel like I scare away every boy that I like eventually. Sometimes it makes me feel pretty bad about myself, and I kind of dread telling a guy about my lack of experience. My sister and I joke that I have amazing virgin powers to drive boys away. I know its irrational but all this makes me feel like a big freak. Why do guys treat me like this? What is it about our society that everyone is supposed to lose their virginity in their teens?

First and foremost you're not a freak.. lets be clear about that and now.

When you meet the right person then they shouldn't make you feel bad at all, I mean, I've never treated a girl any differently based on her experience or direct lack thereof, nor would I, as far as I'm concerned sexual interraction in a relationship is for the most part about bonding on as many levels as there are humanly possible i.e. physical, spiritual, emotional, mental. Though I consider the most important part of a relationship is companionship these days as potentially 'boring' as that might sound, but if you have a good bond with trust and clear open communication then you can get past almost anything really..

Your question about society is an interesting one being that I'm one person and thrown into the quagmire we call 'society' even though I'd prefer not to be hahaha
But it means I can't really answer that question sorry, it seems that we're rapidly seeing people 'growing up' faster and faster but not learning anything about self respect, and not maturing properly what are your thoughts on this?

Ah anyway sounds to me like you and your sister have a good sense of humour about things at least hey, keep smilin' I'm sure you'll meet someone nice soon enough..

Holy crap your 22 and you've not had sex? Wow... That is ridiculous... I'm sorry but any one that hasn't had sex by 22 has some major issues going on or they are religious nut... You need to find a nice guy that won't screw you over (no pun intended) and let the juices flow... You don't want to be 30 years old and test driving the car for the first time... You are missing out on one of the best aspects of life... Men are not dogs, we are human... Sex is a NORMAL part of life, regardless of what some of these wack jobs in here say... So be safe, have fun, and go get yourself a good guy and enjoy the pleasure!

If I were single and looking for someone to become my wife you would move close to the top of the list. I can think of no other thing that would stop arguments in your married life than for both of you to have been virgins when you marry. I praise you for the way you have lived your life and when the time comes, and as long as you have waited now you should continue to wait till you are married, you and he both will be so very proud of each other. The first time may be a disaster for both of you

If I were single and looking for someone to become my wife you would move close to the top of the list. I can think of no other thing that would stop arguments in your married life than for both of you to have been virgins when you marry. I praise you for the way you have lived your life and when the time comes, and as long as you have waited now you should continue to wait till you are married, you and he both will be so very proud of each other. The first time may be a disaster for both of you but then you will learn together.

Thanks everyone for your comments, I really enjoyed reading everyone's imputs. The last two posters certainly have different perpectives! :D

Letmetellu- I'm not necessarily waiting until marriage and I'm not religious- in fact, I think if I was it would confuse people less. It's pretty hard to find non religious people out there who wait for marriage, so I might have some difficulty (not that I'm against dating someone religious, its just a lot of them want someone religious too). I'm not looking for my future husband to be my first (although that would be cool), I just want to feel like its someone I really care about and that they care about me and the timing is right. When I was younger I wanted to wait for marriage but I've come to find that I don't need that necessarily as long as I have a good experience with the right person.

Jeremy- Yeah, that's pretty much the response I get, although its usually accompanied with a "but why?" Anyway, I'm pretty much ready to "enjoy the pleasure" as you said, I just don't want to find the first guy I see, I want my first to be someone I care about. And as I said in my post, I'm having trouble getting guys to stick around enough to get that far. I just dated a guy for about a month and expected something to happen a little further down the line but he backed out, saying he "wouldn't want to do something he'd regret". Whatever that means. Anyway, I'm not a prude- I think that you're right, sex is normal and fun, but its also something that I consider to belong in some kind of relationship- meaning, you care about the person you're having it with. So I'm going to wait until I feel like I can respect my own feelings and values.

Ceriphante- Well, thanks for saying that I'm not a freak ^_^. I think I'm a pretty normal girl, just maybe a bit shy and I just missed some chances that most people had to get dating experience growing up. But when people have the reaction of "what's wrong with you" or "what happened",I feel like I have to explain something that I don't know how to explain. As for the whole society thing, I think that teenagers and young adults feel a lot of pressure from their peers to start early and its not fair to those of us who either choose to take their time or kind of have missed chances (Both of those are kind of true in my case) to be labeled as unnatural. It kind of reminds me of the 40 Year Old Virgin- I actually sympathized with that character a lot because he was a lot like me: for the most part, a nice, harmless person who has some quirks yes, but overall there's nothing wrong with him. He just had bad luck and kind of builds up defenses to deal with those experiences. As for what you were saying about self respect in society, I think someone who knows what they can handle, whatever they're doing or not doing, deserves more respect than someone who goes out and expiriments just for the sake of expirimenting and hurts themselves or others.

Rockabilly- LOL, you made me laugh. Thanks for the confidence.

English Rose- Thanks for the kind words. I have been honest with the guys I've met, at least once I got to the point that I thought it might go somewhere. The funny thing is that the guys I've told have felt like suddenly they were doing the right thing by *not* continuing with me any further. I think I make them feel like they're bad or something, when the truth is, I'm not judging them at all for what they've done. I could easily be in the same place they are, I'm just not. I wish they'd give me the same courtesy. The last guy I was interested in didn't think he could handle giving me "the commitment I needed" (as if that's any different for me than another girl) and was afraid he would hurt me. I think if he was looking for sex he would have gotten it and then left. I don't know, maybe I guilt tripped him. :) Anyway, I just wonder how long it's going to take before I find a "mature" one.

Smoothy- Thanks for the tip. I have no intention of going out and getting laid for no reason, don't worry :). I kind of answered what you said about guys who are just trying to get laid in my last paragraph. The funny thing is that I think I guilt trip the ones who are just trying to get laid into leaving me alone!

Skell- Thanks, that's awesome that you're around my age and you think that! Restores my faith in the male gender a little, hehe. I understand that it does kind of put pressure on a guy to "live up to my expectations" although I don't feel like I am giving myself super high expectations by waiting (of course, I wouldn't, would I? I might be biased!)

Dard- Maybe it is my luck- wish my luck would change though! I've unfortunately had the experience of getting to know someone, knowing that they liked me and feeling like they were a decent guy and then telling them and getting rejected anyway. But I feel like they need to know once I start feeling like I really like them.

1BadChoice- Interesting name! I could see them feeling threatened by me, just cause I actually think sex has some meaning to it, whereas so many kids my age treat it like its nothing. I think that it will probably be less of a big deal to me once I start having it regularly, but at the same time I think a person's deluding themselves if they think it means nothing. It's called intimacy for a reason. Thanks for the confidence, anyway.

KP- That's interesting, I never thought of it that way. I'm not adverse to having physicality be part of getting to know someone, I just think it needs to be far enough down the line that there's some commitment. The weird thing is that I made this perfectly clear to the guys I dated and they were like "oh no, not with *me*". Like they were afraid of ruining me or something.
That's really good for you that you respected your girlfriend's wishes like that. You can understand that sex isn't the be all end all of relationships then- and I want to make sure that there is a relationship before I have sex. I think that turns a lot of guys my age off.

Ordinary Guy- Heh, a sneeze. That pretty much describes it. I don't feel like I have plenty of time, though, cause the longer I wait the more of an anomaly I become and more intimidated guys will be. But yeah, you're pretty spot on in this post I think.

I nearly rolled on the floor laughing when I read Jeremy's post, its like he read the title and nothing else then posted some stuff based solely on the title, I mean it clearly states in your first post that you are not religious ah anyway lol typical YOUNG guy thing to do hey? Hahaha
:p

I must say though many kudos for living without religion, that's one thing we have in common, just a shame that I probably live on the other side of the globe and am outside your age range (I'm 28) or I'd take you out for coffee to chat about other things than this post ha :P~ seriously though I think you'll be fine..

Mmm I really fail to understand why people go :eek: when the word commitment comes out eh..

Where is the point in a non committed relationship, I mean if you want an open relationship just stay single and have no strings things lol these days its almost too hard to meet someone for something more profound, I think it mighta been easier before the internet took over

Don't worry that someone nice you're waiting for will show up sooner than you think!!

Something that a worthy man would know. Being a virgin until your mid to late 20's if that's when you marry doesn't make you weird or a dud in bed. I've been around more than a few women when single but my wife was a virgin when we married, she was just past mid 20's and let me tell you. While we have our share of fights like most couples, as far as the bedroom I would not trade her for any woman I had been with before.

Don't feel as if your clock is running out. It isn't. Not by a long shot. Its what's in your heart, not how many notches on your belt that matters most.

You're wise and mature beyond your years. This can be awkward at times, as you know, but believe me, it's a huge advantage in the long run.

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I've unfortunately had the experience of getting to know someone, knowing that they liked me and feeling like they were a decent guy and then telling them and getting rejected anyway. But I feel like they need to know once I start feeling like I really like them.

I guess I don't understand why you think "they need to know". I can see how knowing might increase the guy's anxiety and worry about how it's going to go and there's usually plenty of that already. You might consider just not mentioning it at all. Most people don't expect to be told how many sex partners you've had before, so why should it be any different if the number is zero?

And don't forget, sometimes we just go through "bad timing"...

After my first big breakup I didn't date anyone for almost 2 years. Not necessarily because I didn't want to or wasn't ready... though id have had some issues to work through... I just didn't find anyone I was all that interested in at that time. Maybe I wasn't looking that hard, or maybe it was just bad timing.

I know a person who is successful, cute, and looking for a partner and she's had a crappy time finding someone shed really like to be with. Bad timing.

As much as I think some of jeremy's post was sophomoric, there was some healthy truth in there. Sex can be a great part of a relationship, and I do think it takes some experience before most people get it "right". In particular, I think a woman's body and needs are more complex than a mans... and you have to experiment a bit to figure out what gets the job done.

So sex for the sake of sex isn't necessarily a healthy approach, I think his point about exploring this area has some valid points... and I think your response to him, as well as all the other posters, shows you are thinking clearly... you've just had some "bad timing"...

I'm still baffled by the guys acting like theyd "break you"... I could understand them walking away if they thought their sexual desires were just not going to be met, but the breaking you thing is just silly.

Hell... we get posts here about guys all nervous about being the 2nd in line... scared that they'll be compared and contrasted. Again, its just insecurity coming though.

In the meantime, since this is in the sexuality topic, you might, if you aren't already, do some self exploration sexually. Even women who are active sexually can learn what they like from this, and knowing what your body likes and responds to can be key. I have half a clue about what a woman generally needs, but if I get absolutely no feedback from her it can be frustrating if my intuition, timing, pressure, etc aren't quite right. Just a thought.

I agree with you about commitment, Ceriphante. I talked to a friend today about this issue (I think this is getting to be like conducting a survey lol) and he was suggesting to me to keep myself from getting too attached to anyone but just enjoy myself and get some experience with dating. That's a good idea, but its hard to keep from getting attached to someone if I genuinely like them. And then suddenly I think it scares a lot of guys my age to have a girl, especially a virgin, really like them- OMG, commitment! At least that's my been my observation.
BTW, I can chat with 28 year olds over coffee :)- Coffee dates are harmless enough. There is that whole ocean thing though- guess we'll just have to leave the chatting to the internet

That's good to hear about you and your wife, smoothy. Another thing my friend said today was that the first time is really awkward and guys probably are afraid they'd dissapoint me and wouldn't live up to my expectations. Though I don't think my expectations are too high, they probably think I'd have some really high ones after waiting for 22 years.

Thanks so much for the kind words, ordinary guy. The reason I feel like they should know is because I think if I don't tell them until right before or don't tell them at all and then they found out they would feel like I was using them as an expiriment or something. And anyway, I believe in honesty, and in this case I think when they are sharing something as important as this with me it's their business too. Aren't relationships built on communication?

As for your post, kp, I actually have done some self exploration, so I'm not completely clueless. And unfortunately the "breaking me" thing has come up several times. I've gotten a "I don't want to do anything I'd regret" "I don't want to hurt you" and "the only thing I'd worry about with a girl like you would be hurting you". I don't know what the heck the last guy was worried about in terms of hurting me, but he seemed really concerned. Maybe he had a bad experience with his ex or something. But whatever.
And its funny, it seems like when they find out I'm a virgin they feel really self conscious about how many partners they've had and like I'm going to judge them as a bad person or something. Suddenly they meet me and they're "bad" and I think the underlying sentiment is half that they don't want to be responsible for me and half that they don't feel good enough for me, even though I obviously like them for who they are.

Anyway, I'm getting a little tired of being turned down for this reason. Why is it that when a guy says that he wants to be "just friends" with you it really means that he's really going to try and pretend you don't exist for a while? I've had this happen too many times to ignore the pattern.