Ask Me Help Desk - Should I divorce because husband lied?

My husband has lied to me. Right before we moved in together he threw a bunch of porn into my garbage can at my house. I asked him about it & he said it belonged to the guy that rented his house before him. They are military & he said the guy left the porn behind. I was upset. It was black, asian, & others. We moved in together. Got married. I was pregnant & very moody. I was also in a family crisis. Next lie, I asked if he had spoken to his mom. He said no. I saw in his phone he had , but he still lied & said the cell phone carrier is wrong. The next day he admitted he lied & said he did it to not upset me anymore because I was pregnant & he is trying not to stress me. I ended up with a miscarriage anyhow. Next lie is he went & bought a porno. We are tight on money (according to him) so he spent $50.00 on a porn video. I was angry because he had complained to me about $$$$. I found the video w/a magazine in his car about 3 weeks ago & I asked him about it. He lied & said it was from a year ago, but the date was on the magazine. He confessed & said he lied to not upset me. Later that day, while he was at work I saw him out in a public place & he told me that since we are over that he has not been truthful with me. He wanted to tell the truth. He said he was sexually molested by his father whom he has no contact with since he was a small boy. He also said he had gotten a dui in another country & had to seek a counselor. He originally told me he was trying to be a navy seal but got dropped because he had pneumonia. Now he said he did become a navy seal but since the dui & having to go to a psychiatrist they dropped him. I felt bad. We stayed together. Just a week ago he said he wanted to come clean & that he lied about his dad molesting him. He never was a navy seal, he did get pneumonia & was dropped. He also told me last year he gave his mom 120,000 dollars & he admits now that was not true. He said he wants to come clean because he feels guilty. He admitted to lying about himself since we met to llok good. He said he wanted me to feel sorry for him so he lied about his dad so he could try to keep me & make himself look goo by saying he was a navy seal. I tried to understand but real confused. He promised not to lie again. The other day I came home from out of town & asked if he was on the computer. He said no. Well I found he was & was looking at girls in bathing suits etc. I confronted him & he still acted as if he did not. He kept asking me "What website?" I knew he was lying. We talked later. He said he was looking on Google for something else & the girls came up so he looked. They have nice bodies, but he did not want to tell me that because he thinks I would not believe him. He should me on the computer what he typed in & it was true. He was looking for salsa dancing in rota spain & these girls came up. I am totally confused and crushed. I keep thinking he is up to something as soon as I leave. Playng with himself, watching videos, etc. I don't know what to do. He says he has a problem he realizes because he always lied to friend, girlfriends, etc and it never affected anyone until now. He feels bad & wants to fix it, counselling, whatever. Should I take this risk? I do love him. He is kind etc, but he lies about this silly stuff. He said he was in ESL in school & kids were mean to him so he started to lie about himself to make him look better. That is what he did with me in the beginning, but couldn't go on. So he wanted to come clean. He said he lied about his dad in hopes to keep me. He lies to not upset me or because I won't believe the truth. He claims he wants to be better. What do I do stay or call it quits. Are his reasons for lying forgiveable? I don't want to constantly have fears of his lying. I explained to him I felt inadequate because he bought pron. Then the girls on internet. He says he loves me. Help.

Without a doubt in my mind... I don't know how you could go from day to day.. never REALLY being able to trust what he is saying to you.. UNLESS the two of you go for counseling! He has shown you his pattern.. covering up one lie with another. He needs to understand what this is doing to you and to him. He can't be feeling too good about all the lies, either. In my opinion.. and this only through trying to use my own common sense.. I think going straight to a divorce is drastic. Please try counseling as soon as possible. If you need time to think it out before, during or after counseling... get a separation. Use divorce as the last act. You say that you still love one another.. try to work it out. Talk to a professional. Good luck.

Ok,
When I first read this post, I thought the problem was about porn. Honestly Porn is not a big deal, its just a man thing (unless they are addicted). I would suggest watching it with him. I don't understand how porn makes women feel inadequate (I am a woman). If you are beautiful and feel good about yourself, this should not bother you. Hes probably lying about the porn because he knows it bothers you.
However, as I started to read more of the post, I began to realize that this guy has really deep issues. I had an ex who had deep issues such as his. He has self image and self esteem issues. I think he's the type of guy that would lie about anything, including cheating (sorry, I don't mean to put more negative thoughts in your head). However, since you two are married, I think counseling would help. If he has suggested it, then he is taking the right steps to aknowledge his issues. Individual counseling for him and couples counseling for the both of you would be good. Maybe he can overcome his issues by counseling and can have a normal relationship with you. In the meanwhile, do not drive yourself crazy checking up on him. Find a therapist QUICK and see what happens from there. Give yourself a deadline (a few months) to see if he changes. If he does not make the efforts, dump him.

What a great guy he is by lying that his dad molested him. My partner was raped when he was 11, I can say after the years I have had trying to deal with that after he told me, its not a joking matter, for him to make something like that up is insulting to the people it actually has happened to.
Anyway.. can you really believe a guy who has told you so many lies? its just a big circle of compulsive lying.. but how much of it are you going to take? If he refuses to get help I would think about leaving him because I believe it won't change unless something is done.

Tj, marriage can be tough. If we want to make any relationship succeed, we need to work at them. People sometimes forget going into a marriage that it is not always flowers and candy. No one is perfect. We all have faults. Your husband has a major personality flaw in that he cannot control his lying. You are frustrated and upset by it, which is absolutely a normal reaction. Marriage is about taking the bad with the good and making attempts to resolve the problems. Unfortunately, you didn't realize that he had this problem. Before jumping ship, you need to look at how your life is with him, and what it was like without him. Does the good outweigh the bad? Does he truly want to change? It sounds like he loves you and is willing to make an attempt. That is good, and it is the first step in resolving a problem. But, he cannot easily undo years of a habit that took years to create, on his own or even with your help. You need to find a good Marriage Counselor to help with this. Someone who is a professional, who has experience with this problem, and can help your husband find his way back from the place he has put himself in. He needs constructive help in achieving this. I think you owe it to yourself to attempt to help him through this. If you don't, you will always question yourself on whether you have done the right thing by divorcing him. Divorce is one of those things that you MUST do when everything else you have tried fails.

I don't know where you live, but this link would be a good starting point for you:

Family & Marriage Counseling | National Marriage Counselor Directory

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

Ok,
When I first read this post, I thought the problem was about porn. Honestly Porn is not a big deal, its just a man thing (unless they are addicted). I would suggest watching it with him. I dont understand how porn makes women feel inadequate (I am a woman). If you are beautiful and feel good about yourself, this should not bother you. Hes probably lying about the porn because he knows it bothers you.
However, as I started to read more of the post, I began to realize that this guy has really deep issues. I had an ex who had deep issues such as his. He has self image and self esteem issues. I think hes the type of guy that would lie about anything, including cheating (sorry, I dont mean to put more negative thoughts in your head). However, since you two are married, I think counseling would help. If he has suggested it, then he is taking the right steps to aknowledge his issues. Individual counseling for him and couples counseling for the both of you would be good. Maybe he can overcome his issues by counseling and can have a normal relationship with you. In the meanwhile, do not drive your self crazy checking up on him. Find a therapist QUICK and see what happens from there. Give yourself a deadline (a few months) to see if he changes. If he does not make the efforts, dump him.

So if you are beautiful porn shouldn't bother you?? What about people who don't have blonde hair and blue eyes and weigh less than 100lbs?? I think you need to rethink before you say if you are beautiful it should not bother you... yeah I feel good about myself, I am a mother, a veteran, a biologist a wife an ex wife and I feel good about myself but I am not the "beautiful" person on TV.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MicheleEB

So if you are beautiful porn shouldnt bother you???? What about people who dont have blonde hair and blue eyes and weigh less than 100lbs??? I think you need to rethink before you say if you are beautiful it should not bother you...yeah I feel good about myself, I am a mother, a veteran, a biologist a wife an ex wife and I feel good about myself but I am not the "beautiful" person on tv.

No porn shouldn't bother you if you have self confidence. If you read my post correctly, you would have read the part where I said its different if he is Addicted. Men watch porn once in a while, and I do not understand why it bothers women. That is my opinion and I have a right to it. Calm down and take a chill pill.

I don't have a problem with your opinion I just think you need to be more careful when you say 'if you are beautiful". Everyone has their opinion and a right to it. :)

Omg leave him he is horrible

Quote:

Originally Posted by tjvaquera

My husband has lied to me. Right before we moved in together he threw a bunch of porn into my garbage can at my house. I asked him about it & he said it belonged to the guy that rented his house before him. They are military & he said the guy left the porn behind. I was upset. It was black, asian, & others. We moved in together. Got married. I was pregnant & very moody. I was also in a family crisis. Next lie, I asked if he had spoken to his mom. He said no. I saw in his phone he had , but he still lied & said the cell phone carrier is wrong. The next day he admitted he lied & said he did it to not upset me anymore b/c I was pregnant & he is trying not to stress me. I ended up with a miscarriage anyhow. Next lie is he went & bought a porno. We are tight on money (according to him) so he spent $50.00 on a porn video. I was angry b/c he had complained to me about $$$$. I found the video w/a magazine in his car about 3 weeks ago & I asked him about it. He lied & said it was from a year ago, but the date was on the magazine. He confessed & said he lied to not upset me. Later that day, while he was at work I saw him out in a public place & he told me that since we are over that he has not been truthful with me. He wanted to tell the truth. He said he was sexually molested by his father whom he has no contact with since he was a small boy. He also said he had gotten a dui in another country & had to seek a counselor. He originally told me he was trying to be a navy seal but got dropped b/c he had pneumonia. Now he said he did become a navy seal but since the dui & having to go to a psychiatrist they dropped him. I felt bad. We stayed together. Just a week ago he said he wanted to come clean & that he lied about his dad molesting him. He never was a navy seal, he did get pneumonia & was dropped. He also told me last year he gave his mom 120,000 dollars & he admits now that was not true. He said he wants to come clean b/c he feels guilty. He admitted to lying about himself since we met to llok good. He said he wanted me to feel sorry for him so he lied about his dad so he could try to keep me & make himself look goo by saying he was a navy seal. I tried to understand but real confused. He promised not to lie again. The other day I came home from out of town & asked if he was on the computer. he said no. Well I found he was & was looking at girls in bathing suits etc. I confronted him & he still acted as if he did not. He kept asking me "What website?" I knew he was lying. We talked later. He said he was looking on google for something else & the girls came up so he looked. They have nice bodies, but he did not want to tell me that b/c he thinks I would not believe him. He should me on the computer what he typed in & it was true. He was looking for salsa dancing in rota spain & these girls came up. I am totally confused and crushed. I keep thinking he is up to something as soon as I leave. Playng with himself, watching videos, etc. I don't know what to do. He says he has a problem he realizes b/c he always lied to friend, girlfriends, etc and it never affected anyone until now. He feels bad & wants to fix it, counselling, whatever. Should I take this risk? I do love him. He is kind etc, but he lies about this silly stuff. He said he was in ESL in school & kids were mean to him so he started to lie about himself to make him look better. That is what he did with me in the beginning, but couldn't go on. So he wanted to come clean. He said he lied about his dad in hopes to keep me. He lies to not upset me or b/c i won't believe the truth. He claims he wants to be better. What do I do stay or call it quits. Are his reasons for lying forgiveable? I don't want to constantly have fears of his lying. I explained to him I felt inadequate b/c he bought pron. Then the girls on internet. He says he loves me. Help.

There may be two issues going on. His issues are, 1) some of his lies seem to make the appearance that he is more then he actually is. The examples are the Navy Seal and having a large amounts of money. 2) He lies in an attempt to get him out of uncomfortable situations. The example is the porn.

I believe you have some issues in that 1) You seek to find him in a lie and dig until you find something. Example, searching the Google Auto filler finding that he is looking at women in a bathing suit. 2) OMG, are you that insecure about your body that you get upset and looking at women in general is an issue. Looking is onething, touching is another.

You both have insecurity issues and feed on each other instead of helping each other. He lies to boost his self image and you dig for lies to lower yourself image.

So, strangeone, how does your post help tj? What do you think she should do to solve her situation? She is wondering whether she should divorce him. What do you think?

To me, divorce will not help nor hinder their problems. There is a much deeper issue than the marriage and it is at the individual level. If TJ decides to divorce, her insecurities will just morph to the next person in her life. Her husbands continuous attempts to impress others and lie to avoid uncomfortable situations will continue. They need to seek counseling, not a marriage counselor and decide if they will use their marriage to improve each other or to destroy each other.

Face the facts... guys are going to masturbate. That said... This guy is a compulsive liar. You can't trust him. Trust being blown in a relationship makes a bad one.
End it, move on.

Don't worry about his behavior. The only thing that you can control is your own behavior! You cannot gripe enough at anyone and get them to to tell you the truth or make them change.
You said that you had a miscarriage, your emotions and hormones etc. could be affecting this roller coaster ride you are on. It would be best right now just to see a counselor or a pastor right now whom you think that you could confide in. Work on YOU right now and deal with him later.

I do not know if he is a compulsive liarer. I have known many guys that had a tendency to "expand the truth" to give the appearance they are more than what they really are. The have more money (giving $120,000), almost becoming a Seal (being stronger or more manly). It was not they where bad, they just had self image issues that made them want to always be better than the next. When it comes to the Porn or looking at other women, he lies to avoid a situation he prefers not to be in. We also do not know what makes the situation uncomfortable for him. For example, does TJ get upset when he looks at another woman walking in the mall, or makes a comment about a movie star. Is she so jealous against any women that even looking at women in bathing suits on the internet upset her.

I do not get where trust really comes into the picture with what we know. Unless you are a Saint, there is not a single person that has not lied to their parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, and spouse. There is no person that supports a halo over their heads. TJ has not given anyone enough information to determine if he is untrustworthy. Beside, there is always three side to the story, his side, her side and the truth.