Ask Me Help Desk - What's wrong with him ?

This is definitely a case of "this hurts me a lot more than it does you....." I dated a man for the last 15 months. He too did the 'need a break' thing everyone on here keeps posting about, and yet nothing really changed until the beginning of March. He had promised me that if he ever started dating anyone else, he would tell me. I thought I deserved that honesty. Well, he wasn't honest. The entire last 2 months have been full of incidents where he went out with other people and then lied to cover it up. I nailed him every time - because I've got common sense, great intuition, and noticed patterns of behavior that didn't follow the norm. every time I had a 'bad feeling', there turned out to be a reason. I told him several times we were over, I changed my phone number, but every time I tried to walk away he would do or say whatever it took to get me back. He knows what buttons to push. And he knows I love him.
This past weekend was the worst. After telling him last week that if he ever lied to me again, we were over, he told me the biggest lie of all. Said he was going to see his daughter at college because she was having a hard time. He called me on the way up there, told me how his drive was! It was just a very elaborate story. Well, it didn't add up. I got up early the next morning, went to his place, and his car was there. And it was still warm. In summary, he admitted that he had (once again) lied to cover up the fact that he had a date. And then he claimed he got so drunk he had to spend the night on her couch. And I just can't believe he slept on the couch... so far every time my intuition has told me something, its been dead on. What blows me away is the depth he went to in the lie.

He begged me for one more chance and went out of his way (until today) to be sweet all week, but then today he said he was somewhere and then said he was going somewhere with 'the guys' tonight and I just didn't believe him... was he lying again ? And I just decided that I can't deal with this. Its going to make me completely crazy, knowing that he's probably lying to me 90% of the time. And if he isn't, how could I ever trust him after the last 2 months, especially last weekend which was so over the top ? He doesn't even seem to feel that bad about it, which to me indicates a more pathological condition...

I told him we were done. He said he would give me a few days to think about it and get back to me. I told him he doesn't ever need to get back to me, which made him angry so then it was him switching into his "I dont care" mode where he says - fine, whatever. And he implied that I was being ridiculous by not trusting him. It just seems like he has some serious psychological thing going on, to lie and manipulate and deceive and then seem to not even acknowledge that he has done those things or how awful they really were. Its like he has no conscience !

So did I do the right thing ? Yes I think so... I can't deal with loving someone who does those things, who thinks he can still date me and yet explore and sleep on other womens' 'couches' too. I just can't do it. I guess what I want is some reassurance that even though this is killing me now, that it is for the best. And I also am curious - is he a compulsive liar ? A sociopath (no conscience) ? I want to believe that people are inherently good but I have to say, he has destroyed that belief... and broken my heart in the process.

You definitely did right by cutting him loose. Now cut all contact with him and get a healthier life. You deserve someone who doesn't lie so you can trust them and not question their actions. Good for you to look out for yourself.

I can empathize. I moved out because my boyfriend was obsessed with me having sex with another woman so he could watch. He finally admitted that was crazy, just to warn me that he was seeing another woman he had met online. "Just a casual thing." Yet the only time she can see him is every Fri and Sat night, so he allows it. She leaves her things there.

But he won't leave me alone. "We have a history" and "he enjoys my company." The only thing to do is cut them off. At the very least, they get to experience what it's like to not have you around. At worst, they disappear from your life so you can pursue a healthy relationship.

And yes, I looked up "Sociopath" and it seems to fit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sydneywagga1

I can empathize. I moved out because my boyfriend was obsessed with me having sex with another woman so he could watch. He finally admitted that was crazy, just to warn me that he was seeing another woman he had met online. "Just a casual thing." Yet the only time she can see him is every Fri and Sat nite, so he allows it. She leaves her things there.

But he won't leave me alone. "We have a history" and "he enjoys my company." The only thing to do is cut them off. At the very least, they get to experience what it's like to not have you around. At worst, they disappear from your life so you can pursue a healthy relationship.

Sis,
What do you mean at worst? (I'm sorry, I am really speaking to both of you.) Hopefully you realize that you have been letting him use you for a door mat. It sounds like both of you ladies need to open your eyes, see the facts and walk completely away. I really don't mean to sound cruel. I'm just angered that a man would treat you in this way and that you would let him do so.

I'll add my voice to that of talaniman... Cut 'em loose and find someone who will treat you right.

You are not put upon this Earth to be a punching bag, a door mat, or a slave. Using the Story of Creation from the Bible that many don't want to hear (but in this case it makes a very good point) God created woman from Adam's rib... Not from his foot that she should be beneath him... Not from his head that she should be above him but from a rib that came from his side so that they should be partners.

Blessings,
Chaplain John

You're absolutely right. It took me a long time to say "just cut them off," so I'm proud of that. Just should have done it sooner. It was hard when he had someone waiting in the wings and I removed myself, having no one, no more dogs, no more house... I'm just glad I had the sense to leave. Should have had the sense not to return.

And guess "worst" was the wrong choice of words

I am terribly long winded most of the time. I never seem to give the short answer.

Well... ill try to compromise here and give the not-as-longish-as-normal opinion.

You did the right thing. Period.

It sucks to be you right now. Never fun when your heart is broken, especially by someone who deliberately did it AND lied to you in the process.

You say you love him. I hope you mean you love the idea of what he could be at his best. But the problem is that he just isn't in "best" form most of the time, it seems.

He sounds like a master manipulator. You have been duped a little by him, and by yourself. Its OK. We all make crappy decisions now and then. Just stop it.

You KNOW you can't trust the guy. You know he lied. And lies. And will lie. And HE knows that he will get away with it enough of the time. If a guy comes on hard to 50 girls and get turned down by 49 and laid fast by the last, is it worth it? Seems to me that he thinks so.

He dates behind your back. Do you think he's doing it just for the company? Ummm... call me a typical guy, but most people date for the interest, attention, and the affection. And when I say affection I mean the possibility of sex, at least if you're a guy.

You get the respect you demand. Period.

I have a friend who has had a similar relationship with a guy for YEARS. She's just hooked on him, in part because apparently he is all that in bed. So now... as she approaches her mid 40's, she's still attached to a man who lies and sneaks on her... and then screws her brains out when he feels like it. Wonder why she's depressed.

Please don't be this person. You love the idea of what he could be. If you love who he really is, you need some help getting away... because until you demand more for yourself, you will only get less.

Yes, the ever-optimistic "love the idea of what he could be..." Good answer. I shall go forth and demand respect.

As long as he remains stuck in the desensitizing world of multiple online flirtations and unrealistic soap opera sex scenarios, he will never know (or provide) a really satisfying relationship.

Thanks:)

You made the right decision. I was in a situation similar to yours. I was with someone for a year who was absolutely wonderful... or so I thought. He was cheating on me with his ex for the last 4 months of our relationship. I found out and the first thing I did was break up with him. During this time I found out about a lot of other lies he told me. He was basically a pathological lier. The breakup dragged on for 2 months. He didn't want it. He kept crying and telling me he's sorry. Although he never admitted he cheated, he lied so much about other things that I really felt he did cheat. The other things he lied to me about were all about her throughout our relationship. The breakup dragged on for 2months because it was hard on both of us because we did love each other. He didn't want the breakup. I loved him but knew he would ruin my life. I regret it dragged on for 2 months because it shouldn't have. Its been about 3 months and I am so happy he's out of my life .Initially it hurt so much. Mind you, I am 28, very attractive and highly educated and successful and have been in relationships before. But this one hurt more than anything in the world when it ended. We were supposed to get married and I think I did truelly love him. I finally realized that I cannot stress about what he did because it was his decision to lie and cheat. Why should you feel bad for his actions? I know you love him, but after all he messed up. You don't need to deal with his messed up life. Once you realize this, you will be much better. Hes not worth it. I am still single after 3 months but that's something I choose for now. I am working on myself (because relationships like this do take a toll on you). The most important part is I am getting better and am much more happier every day. Take my advice, this guy will ruin your life and then it will be to late to try and get out. You will be so used to his crap 4 years down the line and will not be able to leave because you will be stuck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You definitely did right by cutting him loose. Now cut all contact with him and get a healthier life. You deserve someone who doesn't lie so you can trust them and not question their actions. Good for you to look out for yourself.

Very good answer. Definitley a good thing you let him loose. Now it's time to move on because you DO deserve someone better then that. Best of luck to you!;)

Ha ha. Today he asked if I could keep the dogs while he goes to the beach with a woman and her kids! I told him he could "say yes to one and leave the other behind (me)."

He said he will "not choose anyone. Make a SCUBA vacation. I'll go."

HA HA HA

I told him he didn't have a choice in the matter. He has nothing to offer me. He has already given Kathy my space in my house (Fri & Sat) while I was waiting out the Sandi thing.

Like I said, "What's wrong with him?"