Since I was a little girl, my family has been difficult. My father, an emotionaly and physically abusive alchohalic, has made me scared to come home at night since I was a little girl . My mother, clingy controlling and erratic, and still will not let me move out (I am 19). And now at the ripe young age of 19 I have decided to get married. I've dated plenty of people in my short life and have been in love and in a long term(more than a year each) twice before this and I know its corny but I JUST KNOW it's right. No one has ever been more supportive and giving to me ever before. Don makes me want to be a better person and is always positive even when I feel like giving up. He is my strength and courage, my heart and soul. The problem is, he is currently in Texas in the army. I have already decided to move to Texas with him in August after I graduate from cosmetology school without my parents knowing and we are getting married in 7 days. I need to know, should I feel guilty for this? I feel like I am a dissapointment but I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and that if I stay here the abuse will only continue, and I will keep being told that I'll never be able to do anything in life. Even though I feel this is my path am I doing the right thing? Am I a disgrace?

No it is your life your mother and father need to let go and let you live your own life. Feeling guilty is normal in these situations but know that you shouldn't and if he is still abusing you or threatining you to keep you in the house you should start either recording the injuries sustained and then call the police or just call them right now. Another piece of advice is to be careful with the marriage, I wish you well but don't rush things, you have the rest of your life ahead of you and don't need to have to many things on your plate to early.

Good Luck
Syujin

Your parents espically your mom will always love you no matter what, do what makes you feel happy your parents will soon understand and adapt to you, just be sure what ever you do think about it, 19 is still too young things happen, know that. Good luck

Well, going by what you've gone through, you're bound to have insecurities, however let nothing in life be rushed upon. Especially Marriage which requires lot of maturity and u have seen it already what repurcussion bad and abusive relationships have on kids... so DO IT when you're absolutely sure and strong to handle responsibilities... in the meantime, take nothing to heart, no guilts whatsoever because whatever makes you happy is what you deserve... Do it right and stay bright!

You aren't the first female who goes straight to marriage and babies after an abusive child hood its pretty common actually. There are other options such as learning independence and self reliance that would be better than marriage to this point. I mean as a young inexperienced person what is it you bring to the marriage to help make it work? But its your life.

Actually, I have been independent all my life, and I learned to take care of myself from a very young age. I've been through more and experienced more than most 26 year olds. Your are as old as you feel you are and as mature as well. I am capable of having a good healthy devoted marriage and I never questioned that, so please do not question me

Don't get mad at me for trying to help and unless you put those facts in your post all I can do is answer according to what you've written. For the record I never doubted you only wanted to give you something to think about. Just trying to help and as I say it your life. I was not trying to offend just help, sorry it didn't.

laura kirchner, Tal is right and I am not here to advocate anyone but you need to realize that all of us are here to help each other and the advice that we all give is based on our thinking and written with the best of intentions. This forum is one of the most wonderful sites I've come across having people with varied regions and diversities... we're all sharing our experiences here and thus the lessons learnt from them. If you need to hear what u want to hear, then may be this forum may not be best for you but if you respect others advices whether right or wrong and need more input, put the best possible information forward for other people.

You need to get "life experience" before you get married. I know when I was 20 I thought I was grown up and then I matured and at 25 I thought I had it all figured out. Now at 30 I realize just how naïve I've been. I'm sure at 40 I'll say the same about this age. But the point I'm trying to make is that I got that way with life experience not by going from one surrounding (that being my parents) to another that requires a commitment to some one else without getting a life education. I'm not saying it can't be done while married but if the love is there as you say, what is the rush to marriage now? I assume it's ultimately for security but how secure can a marriage be when the foundation doesn't have a solid knowledge base for life experiences.

When I was around 19 or 20 I started dating a woman and did so for 3 years. At the time, I thought that was going to last forever, and we would be married and have children and life would be grand, just like in the movies. Then she cheated on me. Looking back now I ask myself "What the hell was I thinking?" That relationship was never going to work. It worked for it's time but it was not a lifetime relationship. I see that now. I couldn't see that then. That's life experience. Before you make this kind of decision why not get a solid base of life experience, same with your boyfriend, so that when you get married you both have a solid fondation to build off and fall back to when the times get tough.

Feel free to attack me like you did Tal, but I've got 11 years over you in making mistakes and learning from them, and messed up parents just like you so I know what I'm talking about. In 11 years you will too.

Never did I yell at anyone. I came here for information on how to deal with the guilt towards my parents, NOT my marriage and judgement on my life experiences. That's all I said. Attack is hardly what I did. Nevertheless, nothing anyone has said has actually helped me on how to manage the situation, therefor, being a memebr here is and was entirly useless. Goodbye

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Originally Posted by laura kirchner

never did i yell at anyone. i came here for information on how to deal with the guilt towards my parents, NOT my marriage and judgement on my life experiences. thats all i said. Attack is hardly what i did. nevertheless, nothing anyone has said has actually helped me on how to manage the situation, therefor, being a memebr here is and was entirly useless. goodbye

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Yeah that's exactly how I was at your age. Like I said, life experience will cure that.

being a memebr here is and was entirly useless. goodbye

Gosh... guys.. another facet of human behaviour... let the music flow... hmm

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I stay here the abuse will only continue, and I will keep being told that I'll never be able to do anything in life. Even though I feel this is my path am I doing the right thing? Am I a disgrace?

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As I alluded to in my first post that being independent, will put you in a good place to grow healthy, and explore yourself, giving you time to plot your own life course, and a plan to get there. Independence also removes you from the pressure of those around you, and allows you the chance to enjoy your freedom and find your own happiness. I have found that removing yourself from bad non supportive situations and people, helps to lighten the attitude and give you a chance to go from the negative to more positive outlooks on life. No, you are not a disgrace, as you may have been led to believe, just a normal young person looking to have a good life, and you will find it. Sorry it was unclear before and I hope this helps.

<shrug> If you're so mature, why fly off the handle just because someone questions your quite questionable choices? No one said you were wrong... But marriage is a big step, especially to a man in the army who is simply not going to be around very much for the next few years (maybe decade). We are not getting out of conflict any time soon!

What if his strength leaves you while he's busy fighting for his life across the Atlantic? Will you be able to handle that? What if there are children involved as well? Don't put all your eggs into one basket is all that I think people are saying, here.

That's the point of being educated... That you have something to fall back on. Your husband is not a perfect person... I'm sure you know that... If you expect him to be perfect you're going to end up being let down... And it sounds like your family won't be there to help. I don't think it's too wrong to worry about these things.