What's the best way to find out why I'm such a door mat?? I'm 47, my husband has
Hero syndrome, my mother has no respect for me ( but she really is mentally ill).
Why do I take it. I am a strong woman, but time after time, I take crap from my family. The stress is really starting to do a number on my body.

Savoy, it might be time to look into seeing a therapist or counselor. Seeing a trained professional is the best way to uncover why you put up with this behavior from others and how you can find a constructive method to handle these people that doesn't leave you stressed and feeling like a doormat.

I don't know if you have insurance, but if you do, get a referral for a therapist from your doctor. If you don't and money is tight, if you check the front of your regional yellow pages there should be a page entitled Helpful Numbers. Look for Family Support Services. Under that heading you should find phone numbers to Counseling Centers. They usually charge on a sliding scale basis depending on what you can afford. Good luck! :)

Dear Savoy, please tell me what you do for a living, your hobbies and interests, your ways of fighting stress, why your husband has hero syndrome (no need to tell me about your mother) and maybe we can get to the bottom of the doormat problem and raise you to the lintel!

Keeping the peace is often easier than rocking the boat. You've learned that not taking your family's "crap" can be a hard road to take. Standing up for yourself is very hard in the face of conflict. Some people don't handle conflict well. Talking to someone (therapist) can provide you with the support you need in order to take a stand. Setting limits/boundaries with family is hard but possible. What is acceptable, what isn't acceptable while your around/they are in your home/towards you. Start with one or two of the most important things you want to limit from your family. Decide what your willing to do if boundaries aren't respected such as not being around your family/not having them over/not leaving children with them. Let family know about new boundaries. This all takes time, energy, strength, support. Start small... take baby steps. Setting limits can empower you and reduce some of your stress. Don't forget getting counseling/talking to church/friends/spouse/whoever you can get support/strength from. You can do it! Cathy

It would be nice to hear from ms. Savoy again so she can respond to our concerns. And provide input.

Tickle,
I'm not sure why you disagreed with me... I understand finances may be difficult but there are places that provide treatment based on sliding fee scale. To not suggest therapy would be short sited. I stand by what I said. Cathy

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Originally Posted by tickle

It would be nice to hear from ms. Savoy again so she can respond to our concerns. and provide input.

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Hi, the problem is mainly with my husband, he has "Hero Syndrome", and there are
Days I can't take it anymore. He will SAVE anybody, and leave me hanging. I feel trapped. I can't sell my house and leave him, because the house needs work, but he will
Not help me fix it up. BUT, if one of his friends NEEDS ANYTHING, he will be there.
He is also in our local volunteer fire Dept. He knows he has "some kind" of a problem,
But doesn't do anything to fix it. His father, mother and sister also have this problem.
But his sister's husband had an intervention, and she went for mental help. I tried doing the same, but picked the WRONG people to help, so it didn't work.
The house was bought and paid for by ME. We have gone to marriage counselors, but none have work, he can BACK PEDDLE, better than anyone I have ever seen.

Savoy, if you have gone to marriage counselors and it hasn't worked, maybe it is time for you to find a counselor for yourself. Start there. It is obvious this is upsetting you. Since you can't get help for your husband at the moment, you need someone YOU can speak with who can help you with the day to day details. An objective professional should be able to help you deal with the frustration you are feeling and suggest some proactive methods to help you cope. You shouldn't have to go through life feeling like a doormat.

With my second marriage I had problems with my husband not helping me with kids, around house, etc. Tried going to marriage counseling, he said he would go but didn't at first so I saw a therapist separately until he was ready. Then found a marriage counselor who could help us both. I continued to see my personal therapist to give me the support I knew I would need in dealing with our issues. Sounds like that might be something you need to do... Maybe in other aspects of your life you are strong... but for whatever reason you cannot be that when it comes to your husband. Ultimately you can only change you. Hopefully he will see this and want to get help with you. It's very hard to take these steps. I have confidence you can do this... now you need to take one step at a time. Not view the whole picture at once. Take first step of calling insurance and counselors. My heart goes out to you. Truly, Cathy

Sometimes I also believe that I allow myself to be a doormat for others, I always try to see the good in other people and not to judge them, whenever they treat me negatively I always try my best to make the best out of the situation, the bible teach me its better to suffer doing what is right as for what isn't. Whenever I feel I can't take it anymore, I kneel down and pray

You have brought up a good point Marily. If Savoy practices any faith, praying can help bring some peace and ease one's mind.