Ask Me Help Desk - How do I get out!

After reading many of the letters on this site, I find there are a lot of us in the same type of marriage. A husband who is self centered, unsupportive, lazy and no help at all with the kids. My kids are now over 18 and I am in my early 50's. I want out and I want out now! But don't know how. I have no money, I have tried to squirrel some of it away but we are always so broke that I have to dip into it just to get by. No vehicle, no one I can move in with. Even my doctor has recommended I leave this situation before my health fails any more. I am on meds for depression, anxiety and panic attacks, blood pressure and migraines. I have not worked for 18 years, and live in a very small town where employment is scarce to begin with. Can you tell me if there are any agencies that can help me? I don't care about a divorce as I know that would be expensive, I just need some one I can turn to to give me a start.

Are your kids still at home? Can't you and the kids get together and work something out about finding somewhere else to live? Don't you have any family who would help you or let you stay for a while? Maybe you could get a job with accommodation thrown in. Or try a web search for centres that help people in your situation in your area or in the next town.

If you want to go the divorce route - most states offer a legal aid program. You could get counsel for very little or nothing at all. If he has provided for you for this long - (depending on what state you live in) you could qualify for alimony.
If you could get a job in property management as a leasing agent or even cleaning personel- some companies offer a discounted rate of rent for employees - some even offer a free apartment - but you would probably have to work your way to a management position.
There are options - you just have to know where to look. I would start with checking your county family services office.

Start by getting a job or go to school (grants/loans) for a skill or trade so you can support yourself. Financial independence is the key to your freedom.

Have you talked to him about wanting to leave or will you be springing it on him when it is time to go? Do you think he would support that fact that it is time for a divorce? Sheesh, you have worked a long time with this situation, I am so sorry you have been unhappy for so long.

I would find yourself at least a part-time job... as a start to keep yourself busy and mind off things...

I don't know what state or city you are in but try looking for senior apts. Around where you live. Or Apt's that are based on income. They aren't too flashy, but it is a place to go. Go to a women's shelter, it might not be luxery, but it's a place to go so you can save money. Get a low paying job or what ever and just be OK. Hell after the divorce you should get some of his money anyway. I hope I helped. Oh yea, Y can't u move with your kids? Ask them if you could. Kids love their mommies.

Oh I feel for you! I feel my own situation turning into something like yours. Yes, please be assured that you have MANY different agencies that would be more than willing to help. I work for a Organization that is all over the US and they are just wonderful with Assisting people in need of everything between "Help with my new born baby" to Helping Women get dressed up for job interviews.. even providing them the clothes, to Drug Abuse help.. . Just look in your local phone book. If you want, email me and I can give you the name of a few companies.. I don't want to Advertise over the internet where I am employed. =) Hang in there and I am praying for you.

Hi Stressville,
May I ask what state you live in?

Is he abusive physically or emotionally, if not Divorce is not warranted. Have you cheated on him or has he cheated on you? If not then divorce is not warranted.

If it has just been rough. Remember the until death do you part through good times and bad times, through sickness and health. So counseling for sure and opening the lines of communication is important. Taking the easy way out is just a cop out.

Joe

Yes, file for SSI/SSD from the Federal Government, it is a long process but could be worth your long wait.

Well, I don't know what state you are in however, if you do divorce him you shouldn't have to start at least penniless. You may very well be entitled to alimony. Alimony is usually set for at least a duration of 1/2 the length of the marriage. In lengthy marriages it can be until death or remarriage. That could at least give you something to start with until you can get on your feet. Check with a lawyer and at least know your rights. Many lawyers will at least do free consultations and even over the phone.

Thanks for all the replies! I will try to answer as many questions as possible. I live in Maine. Jobs are very scarce in this small town, no one wants to hire an older woman who has not worked in 18 yrs. I don't much care about a divorce, just want out! No my husband would not be willing to talk about it, he denies every thing that is a problem. I have asked him to leave before, the house was left to me by a relative and I put his name on the deed just to be supportive. He says he's not leaving! NO I have no one to move in with, no family near by. My sons are not exactly set up to take mother in either. My husband is not abusive, but he leaves everything to me, and I mean everything, if something goes wrong it is my problem, not his. I am so stressed that it is very unhealthy for me! I suffer from many anxiety attacks.:confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stressville

After reading many of the letters on this site, I find there are a lot of us in the same type of marriage. A husband who is self centered, unsupportive, lazy and no help at all with the kids. My kids are now over 18 and I am in my early 50's. I want out and I want out now!! But don't know how. I have no money, I have tried to squirrel some of it away but we are always so broke that I have to dip into it just to get by. No vehicle, no one I can move in with. Even my doctor has recommended I leave this situation before my health fails any more. I am on meds for depression, anxiety and panic attacks, blood pressure and migraines. I have not worked for 18 years, and live in a very small town where employment is scarce to begin with. Can you tell me if there are any agencies that can help me? I don't care about a divorce as I know that would be expensive, I just need some one I can turn to to give me a start.

Hi Stressville! I have been an "intermediary" for many friends over the past year looking to get out of marriages... unfortunately, my home is full right now. You must get some sort of counseling. I can't imagine you not having some sort of help around you. Apparently you have an internet connection so start searching for "women shelters". In my county they have special shelters for women or anyone else for that matter. They offer a place to stay and food and even a vehicle in some cases to get you started. Hopefully you can find something close to where you are.

I hope you find some sort of relief. Just get away from the stress as quickly as possible. I have been in constant stress since my grandma passed away in 2001... it FINALLY caught up with me this past June... I developed Alopecia and lost all my hair. Luckily and thankfully it is all growing back and I THINK it has stopped falling out. I didn't KNOW stress until that happened.

I've dealt fairly well with it and I thank all my work friends who have been around me for the past 20 years and were able to make me feel at ease going through this stuff. A lot was happening when it started, I had a daughter that turned 18 and moved away from home into a situation that I did not approve of, my 16-year-old son was failing school and getting into constant trouble, and in April 07 I married a man whom I dearly love and 6-months later he told me he wanted a divorce (after I moved 83 miles one-way from my workplace)... SO 6 months later when the divorce could go through I moved back to my home (that THANK GOD I never got rid of, especially since it is 5 miles from my work) and I started losing my hair. I'm talking ALL of it (not all at once) just enough to be noticeable and very, very stressful to me. I had the most gorgeous, thick, long hair imaginable! Still, a year and a half later I'm not divorced (although still separated)... my son is now expelled for one year from school and will be 18-years-old four months after he is allowed back into school... "no child left behind" was not good enough for him. PLUS I've started a new business and work a full-time job. I guess round two will be coming soon?! LOL!

After reading all this, trust me, and get the heck away from it all. It is not worth it to live in misery. It has taken a long time for me to "relieve" my stress and getting rid of your hair is one of the easiest compared to what could happen. I hope all goes well for you, sincerely.